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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hateful child. Is it my fault? Most likely it is.

84 replies

CatsArePeopleToo · 02/08/2020 19:51

My 11yo DS is one of these "soft" boys who gets pushed around and picked on. Recently he said he wanted to murder those other kids. I didn't pay much attention earlier, but he said that recently about family friends. It really scares me.

OP posts:
louleey · 02/08/2020 20:58

@missyB1

Hateful??? That’s an appalling thing to call your child! He sounds angry because he gets pushed around and picked on. I don’t blame him I’d be angry too! I suspect he has low self esteem and that’s why he’s a target. What have you done over the years to address this? Apart from calling him hateful...
I don’t think she is calling her child hateful as such, I read as he is hateful towards others
lilgreen · 02/08/2020 21:04

You gave him violent games????

lilgreen · 02/08/2020 21:06

A few years ago, so at age 8 you gave him violent games and now you’re concerned at his violent thoughts...Hmm

eatsleepread · 02/08/2020 21:07

Please don't worry about what he said. It's not his fault. I'd be angry too, in his shoes Thanks

streamlinedcaverns · 02/08/2020 21:08

@CatsArePeopleToo

He was 8 when started Skyrim. Then the Assassin's Creed, because we travelled to places depicted in there. Some older games on PC, themes of WW2.
If I heard that about a child at my school then I would be reporting it to the safeguarding lead who would contact Social Services.
letsgomaths · 02/08/2020 21:09

I used to say things like that when I was that age, when I felt powerless in the face of unfairness. I'd threaten to run away and never come back, to kill myself, to kill whoever was wronging me.

And I too remember (with a lot of resentment) being labelled as "soft" or "wet" or "sensitive" for being upset about such things.

And give him some positive strategies about dealing with bullies: saying no, being assertive, phrases such as "I am not going to put up with this". Nobody taught me how to be assertive at that age; and also I felt I wasn't allowed to be. So I felt very hateful full of hate.

I think

Thisismytimetoshine · 02/08/2020 21:10

You would appear to be the biggest abuser in this poor child's life, op Hmm
This thread is hard to credit.

IseeIsee · 02/08/2020 21:11

Is this for real? You are calling him hateful and soft?? And then allowing him to play 18+ games. Must be a troll.

Bishoprick · 02/08/2020 21:21

Um... a bit baffled, here. OP, you give your son games that are completely age-inappropriate, then get upset because he talks about wanting to murder people.

Too many things to unscramble here. But when my DC were little and being horrid, my first thought was always: what could I do differently?

DianaT1969 · 02/08/2020 21:22

Sorry OP, but I think you need parenting classes.
I also agree with a PP who said get him boxing lessons. Offer him martial art training. Obviously take the games away and get him age appropriate games instead.

Original poster
CatsArePeopleToo · 02/08/2020 21:32

Ok. I get it it's my fault for those games. But I played them myself and thought suitable and appropriate.
My fault also for not paying attention to "murderous" comments earlier.
We absolutely talk about feelings and being "soft" is a positive thing.
Family friends being a target is scary.

OP posts:
whataboutbob · 02/08/2020 21:33

Well I think this is real and OP is realising the previous strategy of giving access to violent video games isn’t working and she’s looking for solutions, not a beating.
OP as I’m sure you know those games do not offer real world solutions to anger and aggression, but a kind of fantasy of being all powerful. He needs the tools to deal with the aggression and potentially the bullying other kids dish out, and to deal with his feelings. It’s part of a parents job to help kids manage their more difficult feelings and it will be much easier if you start now and put strategies in place before he hits adolescence. I’m no expert on this except I have two boys ( now adolescents) and one in particular has been a handful.
A lot of areas are allocating extra funding to child and adolescent mental health at the mo because of lockdown, so it might be a good time to ask for a GP consultation and discuss what help your DS can get. Good luck.

LovingLola · 02/08/2020 21:40

But I played them myself and thought suitable and appropriate.

For a young child?? Did you not notice or understand the age rating?

Original poster
CatsArePeopleToo · 02/08/2020 21:45

Also regarding games. He loves them. Learned a lot from them. I bought him art albums relating to them. (Yes, these things exist) so to do a complete u-turn - I'm afraid will feel like a punishment and make him angrier.

OP posts:
Nevergoingbackthere · 02/08/2020 21:47

Try to parent OP. It might help.

mathanxiety · 02/08/2020 21:48

Your child is having a huge problem processing the violent content in the games. Take them away and push him out into the real world of a martial arts club where he will learn self control and respect in a very formal system, surrounded by real people.

You have to make a (very belated) stand here.

Josette77 · 02/08/2020 21:50

I would suggest parenting courses for you and therapy for your ds. He needs someone to talk to and you need to learn appropriate parenting skills.

mathanxiety · 02/08/2020 21:50

What exactly did he learn from them?

If your answer is history or geography, there are books and documentaries and the internet for that.

year5teacher · 02/08/2020 21:50

If I heard that about a child at my school then I would be reporting it to the safeguarding lead who would contact Social Services.

Ok just to comment on this as I can imagine this is frightening for OP to read, while I would consider mentioning the 18+ game playing to the DSL especially if I felt that the child’s mood/behaviour was a concern, there is absolutely no way that SS would be contacted for this alone. Absolutely no way.

Porcupineinwaiting · 02/08/2020 21:53

What is the name of these violent but very educational games?

Who is bullying your son?

Original poster
CatsArePeopleToo · 02/08/2020 21:55

*What exactly did he learn from them?

If your answer is history or geography, there are books and documentaries and the internet for that.*
Actually yes Blush AND we did books and films too. But getting excited about Hagia Sofia - that was from the game.

OP posts:
Porcupineinwaiting · 02/08/2020 21:58

The head of DC's secondary always stated that allowing the children to play 18 games was a safeguarding concern and would be treated as such by the school. It was part of her open evening talk to parents about what she expected from them if they were sending children to her school.

Bloody marvellous women.

ConstanceSalinger · 02/08/2020 22:02

Hahahaha, are we only a week into Summer Holidays? 3/10 OP, and that's with points for trying something new.

Any second now, wait for it... What does his twin say? GrinGrinGrinWink

ShawshanksRedemption · 02/08/2020 22:03

@CatsArePeopleToo
Sounds like you don't know how to handle this situation. How has school addressed the bullying? Is he at primary, about to go to secondary, so maybe a new start will help? Maybe he is feeling worried nervous about going from primary to secondary? If he is at secondary already, what support have they given him?

You can ask for help for him if you are worried - phone GP and talk to them, or again, school may be able to help and give access to support.

Why has he said about hurting family friends? What is his reasoning when you have spoken to him about this?

Some websites to check out:
youngminds.org.uk
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/for-children-and-young-people/

If at any point you feel he is genuine and will act upon what he says, please call 999.

Original poster
CatsArePeopleToo · 02/08/2020 22:04

Lol no twins, holidays were cancelled this year

OP posts:
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