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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Kybosh on retirement

42 replies

Twebby · 02/08/2020 11:31

I'm married, late 50s and was starting to look forward to retirement. Kids are almost grown up, my parents are no longer with us, so it's a chance for us to pursue our dreams.

However. My SO's parents are still around as is his sister. All three live together because his sister tried to commit suicide a while back and is now severely disabled. His parents care for his sister and quite frankly it has ruined their retirement, all their money is gone and their dreams shattered.

His parents know they are not long for this world and have been pushing him to agree to take on his sister and become her carer. I'm furious with this because it's not something I ever agreed to and even before she became disabled I quite frankly disliked her. She receives a flat and money from the state and quite frankly is better off than we are at the moment.

What would have been a pleasant and quiet retirement somewhere warm will now be someone I dislike, joining our family until I die.

I have tried talking about it but all I get are evasive answers.

Am I unreasonable to say that it's all over if he won't accept that I don't want her in our future? I'm repeatedly being told I'm "selfish" for not wanting to scrap my retirement plans? I'm the main wage earner, by the way.

OP posts:

noideaatallreally · 02/08/2020 11:36

No not unreasonable at all. No one should be expected to put their life on hold. I know that may sound selfish, but you have worked and planned for your retirement. I have told my DC many many times that I would never expect them to have to nurse me if that were ever needed. I have seen the impact that taking on full time caring responsibilities for parents can have on children, so to expect you to do this for your SIL is just not fair.

Original poster

Twebby · 02/08/2020 11:40

Thanks.

You know when you think something appears reasonable to you, but someone tells you repeatedly that it is you that's unreasonable and you start to doubt yourself? That's where I'm at.

Mods: I think I posted this in the wrong section so please move or detete.

OP posts:

blue25 · 02/08/2020 11:40

You’re not being unreasonable. I wouldn’t be having that at all. Why should your retirement be ruined. If he insisted, then the relationship would be over for me.

Original poster

Twebby · 02/08/2020 11:48

The other thing that concerns me is that the money we have saved would probably get used up too. Whilst she gets money for her rent and living/caring expenses, she doesn't live there, but lives on the sofa at the in laws (mental issues) and their savings have dwindled due to her expensive tastes. I can understand why they are doing it - their daughter, but I don't want to end up in the same situation.

OP posts:

MNHQ

CarolineMumsnet · 02/08/2020 11:50

Hi, Twebby and no problems - we can move this one for you.

We'll drop you a mail to see where you'd like it pinged over to, or just let us know here.

BestestBrownies · 02/08/2020 11:51

Fuck that!

And you can bet your bottom dollar you’d be the one left wiping her arse whilst he swanned off for a ‘quick’ game of golf.

FWIW I am in a potentially similar position, although it would be DP’s disabled adult child. I have already made it clear that I would be against them living with us in retirement and that if he forced the matter, I wouldn’t be involved in any aspect of their care. The realisation DP would be doing it all himself whilst I went on lovely holidays, met up with friends etc, etc soon helped focus his mind. Adult DC lives in managed accommodation with 24/7 carers and other disabled adults his own age. DC loves it and we/DP visit often.

Miljea · 02/08/2020 11:53

I think it's entirely reasonable for you to not want SIL in your life to that extent.

It would be a deal breaker for me.

MNHQ

HebeMumsnet · 03/08/2020 09:09

Morning, OP.

We've moved this to AIBU for you. If you'd prefer it in Money Matters or elsewhere just drop us a line and let us know.

lidoshuffle · 03/08/2020 09:19

You are totally not being unreasonable. She is no relation to you, you have no obligation to spend your savings or time on her. You didn't ask for any of this.

It would be bad enough now, but what will it be like in another 10 years time when you are pushing 70 and looking after another near-70 year old with severe care needs? It's only going to get a lot worse.

As another poster says, what's the betting a lot of the care would fall onto you as the woman of the partnership?

LakieLady · 03/08/2020 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread.

LakieLady · 03/08/2020 09:24

Boodly hell, how did that happen? Last time I looked at the screen I was in the Bowie thread.

Sorry, folks, I'll report myself.

EL8888 · 03/08/2020 09:26

YANBU. It’s a massive ask and l would say no if l was you. SIL sounds hard work and why should she burn through your money and ruin your retirement? Feels like the classic dynamic where women are expected to do most if not all caring responsibilities. I would decline to get involved

llangollen11 · 03/08/2020 09:26

YANBU given that already care is being provided that seems to be as good or better than you can provide.

StarTrekRedShirt · 03/08/2020 09:40

YANBU, taking on somebody who is severely disabled is a big ask and I know I couldn’t do it. Not wouldn’t do it, but couldn’t!

Would it be very wrong if you promised to take care of his sister and by “take care” you actually put her in a home? I don’t think that’s wrong, but not everyone could successfully lie to their parents/in laws.

She’s not your responsibility and I think it’s unfair that you are expected to give up your retirement or your husband. Best of luck to you, I sincerely mean that.

wink1970 · 03/08/2020 09:53

OP, don't accept this. It will ruin your own life, and it's not your problem. Like you say, you don't like her personality (and 'hell no' just based on the their savings have dwindled due to her expensive tastes), so don't be guilt-tripped just because she is disabled.

InTheWings · 03/08/2020 09:55

I am sure your DH feels very emotionally torn over this, and is probably finding it harder to say ‘no’ to his parents than to her.

But that is very unfair of his parents.

All the parents of disabled children that I know are working hard to create adequate care for them so that the siblings are not pressured / obligated to become carers.

V V tough to have a child with MH difficulties and disability, but loving all your grown up children equally means not expecting them to sacrifice their lives.

It is really hard getting support, but they have clearly managed it if a flat etc has been provided.

Hard as it is I wonder if your DH can be encouraged to have a think, possibly with the support of counselling, about his sense of obligation and guilt.

A clear ‘this is not something I can take on because of the impact in Tweeb, my own grown up children and the worry of what happens when I get older. But I will always support her in getting the care she needs from Adult Services and keep up our sibling relationship. You have supported her as she is your child and the toll on your lives has been immense: this is not something I can ask Tweeb to take on. We need to make a different plan”

I think Relationships or Disabled Adults might be a better place to discuss this, but YANBU to say you will not take this on.

Beebumble2 · 03/08/2020 09:55

I’m probably nearer your age, so have seen similar situations. This is a huge ask and not your responsibility.
You deserve to live your retirement how you have planned. You say SO is evasive, maybe you should definitely decide how you want the future to be and tell him.

RemyHadley · 03/08/2020 10:15

We have a similar situation, although it’s my brother who is disabled.

DH thought about it and then told me bottom line he will never allow my brother to live with us. If my brother moves in, he will leave. Brother can stay for a few nights at a time, DH is very supportive of me spending time with them, he’s even said long term he will financially support my brother if needed. But he’s drawn a really clear line in the sand that they will never move in.

It was upsetting at first - I have a tremendous sense of guilt and responsibility towards both my brother and my ageing parents, and I felt angry at DH/resentful. Any time we had an argument or he annoyed me I’d be thinking “I gave up my brother for you!” And it made it worse.

What helped was counselling for me, to tackle my sense of responsibility and to better understand DH’s perspective. DH’s position has now given me a wonderful “get out of jail free” card which is frankly a massive relief for me.

I think in your shoes you have to be really clear. She cannot live with you. You will not fund her. You will not look after her. You will support DH emotionally and practically in making sure his sister has the support she needs from adult social care, but that is it.

Prepare for some difficult times with your DH as he processes this. But it’s much better to be clear with him than to let this linger on as an idea and then find that he’s assumed it’s happening.

And if he doesn’t accept your position, then seriously rethink the relationship.

Best of luck finding a resolution to this.

TheFaerieQueene · 03/08/2020 10:18

I bet if he was single they wouldn’t be pushing this.

contrmary · 03/08/2020 10:20

Tell the parents it's fine, then once they are gone you can dump the person who attempted suicide and you never liked. That way the parents will be happy in their final years but you know secretly that the moment they're gone, so is she.

DoubleTweenQueen · 03/08/2020 10:21

I think she will need to go into a care home or sheltered housing. This should not be your responsibility. You need to have a very honest talk with your SO and find out what's possible.

AdaColeman · 03/08/2020 10:22

Your partner has probably been/is being guilt tripped into caring for his sister by his parents, he's got FOG fear, obligation, guilt.

You need to take a firm line with him, point out that this was never part of your life plan with him.

It sounds as though the sister could actually manage on her own, has a home & financial support etc, but it's easier to live with her parents. None of this is your fault or responsibility.

If it were me, I'd give them all a few months to get the sister living independently, and use that time to sort my own plans, finances, protect my savings etc.

If they make no changes, then you should split with your partner. Not only will the sister soak up you hard earned money, but I'd bet that you would end up doing the major part of the physical "caring" too.

Once the sister was ensconced in your home, you would never get rid of her, as SS would be reluctant to take responsibility for her. All this might sound harsh on the sister, but proper provision for her care should have been put in place long ago, it's not your responsibility.
I hope you get the retirement you've worked for and deserve.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/08/2020 10:24

Without wishing to sound heartless, and maybe I’m ignorant but couldn’t she have a carer / go into a home- and her brother promise to check on her, visit her etc ?

saraclara · 03/08/2020 10:26

She receives a flat and money from the state and quite frankly is better off than we are at the moment.
I don't understand. I thought you said that she and the parents live together?

RemyHadley · 03/08/2020 10:30

The OP said that the sister has a flat provided, but prefers to sleep on the sofa at her parents house. So they informally live together but she does have other options.

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