Kybosh on retirement

[Twebby]

I'm married, late 50s and was starting to look forward to retirement. Kids are almost grown up, my parents are no longer with us, so it's a chance for us to pursue our dreams.

However. My SO's parents are still around as is his sister. All three live together because his sister tried to commit suicide a while back and is now severely disabled. His parents care for his sister and quite frankly it has ruined their retirement, all their money is gone and their dreams shattered.

His parents know they are not long for this world and have been pushing him to agree to take on his sister and become her carer. I'm furious with this because it's not something I ever agreed to and even before she became disabled I quite frankly disliked her. She receives a flat and money from the state and quite frankly is better off than we are at the moment.

What would have been a pleasant and quiet retirement somewhere warm will now be someone I dislike, joining our family until I die.

I have tried talking about it but all I get are evasive answers.

Am I unreasonable to say that it's all over if he won't accept that I don't want her in our future? I'm repeatedly being told I'm "selfish" for not wanting to scrap my retirement plans? I'm the main wage earner, by the way.

@RemyHadley

The OP said that the sister has a flat provided, but prefers to sleep on the sofa at her parents house. So they informally live together but she does have other options.

Ah. Apologies. Don't know how I missed that

I think your partner has an absolute cheek to call you selfish and to put this responsibility on you. He's happy to say yes as its less for him to do if you're there. I would be leaving him.

I'd be telling him that he can go sleep on his sister's sofa, and be her home help.
That no way will she live with you.
That she is not related to you so you have nothing to deal with.

1. Get all your ducks in a row in case the worst happens in future.

1. Engineer a situation where you spend long weekend with in-laws to give them RNR and SO takes sole care of his sister.

Maybe situation will resolve itself

This is deceitful to keep a council flat empty designed for the disabled while she living with her parents sleeping on their sofa. If the MH is a new issue inform relevant authorities.
Flat should be returned to LA for other disabled in need.
And then could ask LA to build extension disabled friendly add on to parents house. Ground level bedroom and loo. If there is a grant for this like adaptive living.
And parents should apply for carer for respite and send her to day care center to interact with others like her to keep living than stuck at home.
That's no life for all of them in the current situation.
Why is she not handing over her state money to her parents to cover all costs of keeping her with them.
If the flat won't be relinquish then inform your partner that when the time comes he will be living with and looking after his sister at her flat (or parents house, does he know what will happen to the house? ) to carry on his parents roles.
The other option is to arrange to have her living in shared residential accommodation with others similar people.
She will have company, family visiting, looked after professionally etc.
maybe the flat is too isolating for her.

I am very unclear as to the level of care your DP's sister actually needs. This would be the issue for me. Needs and wants not being the same thing.

For example if she has been funded for a flat clearly she has been assessed as being capable of living independently; if she can sleep on a sofa she is clearly to a significant degree mobile. If she has and can express 'expensive tastes' then I don't see that she could be significantly cognitively impaired i.e. unable to process/speak. So I actually don't see why she needs a carer in the sense her parents are currently providing.

It sounds like what she does need is motivation and support to use the tools she has been provided with to live more independently. And as her brother, I'd say if DP wants to do that part of your role as his wife is to support him to do that - not I say you provide support, he is the one who has to do it.

I do think he probably feels a certain obligation to her as his sister, and to his parents to help take some of the burden off their final years. I'm not saying he should feel that way or must act on it, but it speaks well of him as a person if he does, and surely that compassion and sense of responsibility is part of what attracted you to him and has made your marriage successful.

I'm not a believer in marriage but those who do sign up supposedly do so 'for better or worse', which surely includes an understanding that the partner's family may run into trouble and the partner may want to offer them support.

Expecting her to move into your house, dictate your shopping list and inhibit your lifestyle is one thing and would BVU of him/them; demanding he drop any support to his sister and his parents like a hot potato or you'll leave him just because you don't like them much is quite another, and again while you are free to do what you like I would think was a bit princess-y and selfish and not very loving.

I'd aim at a middle road. Support your DP to tell his parents that while you won't assume what they have in terms of caring for his sister, he will support them to manage her back into some sort of appropriate assisted living and care plan which is long term and sustainable. If she has complex needs in order to live independently solutions need to be implemented - with professionals, not family delivering that support. If she needs to be in a home/supported living complex, he'll help them make that transition. He is in an ideal position to help unstitch this unhealthy dynamic, as he loves (presumably) his parents AND his sister and doesn't want to see anyone thrown under the bus for the sake of the other. If he puts the time in now, he could save his parents' final years and also lay the foundations for a worry free retirement together for you two as well. As well as preventing a rift in your relationship where you either split up or he sees you as having forced him to abandon his family.

Moving her in with you will only kick the can down the road in any case. When you two in your turn are too old to manage her who's next in line - your grown up children?

So no-one's really BU; but you need to have a proper talk and pin him to the wall on what he expects and what you are and aren't willing to do.

YANBU

Your sister in law has a flat, care/support & financial state support.
At this point all should be required of your DH is that on his parents' death, he has Power or Attorney for his sister's finances & health/welfare.
Her situation will not change.
A friend has a severely schizophrenic brother who has lived in a care facility for as long as I have known her. When her parents died, she took on the PoA for her brother's finances & health/welfare.
He continues to live in the facility and his finances/care have remained the same.

Your DH can become his sister's carer if he wants (if he will provide 35 hours per week of care to his sister) but there is no reason why that should involve living with you. She has a flat and should be receiving:
DLA/PIP
ESA/UC (if under State Retirement age)
Housing Benefit
Council Tax Support

There is no need whatsoever for you to have to provide financial aid. Her PIP can be used to provide any care she needs. Her brother could just help with obtaining the care. Surely he would not wish to provide personal care if she needs it?

How does your DH get on with his sister?

If she has MH issues, then living with you (who dislikes her and resents her for ruining their life and previously your PILs' retirement) will be awful for her. You are not responsible for her, but I do understand your partner's feeling that he wants to take care of her. I expect this may be driven by wanting to please his parents, who have obviously given up a great deal to care for your SIL.

I would resist temptation to issue a binary "me or her" ultimatum as it is perfectly understandable that your SO is conflicted. But he does deserve to know that you cannot see your partnership working with your SIL as a dependent person.

On the other hand... suppose things were different. Let's hypothesise in a few years one of your children is paralysed in a car crash, or you have a stroke and can't function any more. Would you expect your partner to walk away? Would you walk away from your adult child in this situation and insist on enjoying your retirement?

Personally, if it was my brother, I'd be looking to get him into a flat near me where I could keep a very close eye on him. I probably wouldn't take long holidays unless there was a full time carer I could leave in charge. But no way would I move him in with my family, so I think yanbu overall.

Caring for this lady sounds very hard even if she was your much loved sister - let alone a disliked sister in law.

I agree you should promise to look out for her best interests but not for her to live with you or to dominate your family life.

Brace yourself that your in laws might decide to leave everything inheritance wise to her to help her future thinking that your other half will manage OK.

Ask your other half if he would like to live with his sister can he see himself coping with being her sole carer - because that will be his position.

For what it's worth I don't think it would do the sister and favours to swap her reluance from her parents and onto you anyway. She needs her own appropriate routine and support structure.

Tell them you're too old. Job done.

Are you married to him OP? I hope not and it would be a big fat no from me too.

I'd start making sure your finances are as separate as possible from his from now on too.

Carry on with your Retirement plans.
She can have carers come in...that's what she gets the Benefits for.
It is definitely not your responsibility but it looks as though your 'SO' and his parents are planning on giving you a lot of the responsibility.

I say this as someone who is disabled who's plans for retirement abroad went out the window due to a accident I had a good few years ago and I do not rely on any family to help me...(I don't think it is their responsibility)... I have a personal care assistant and I pay her from my benefits as that is what the money is for.

I also don't understand what your PIL are buying for your SIL as she has her own income.

I would tell your DH you need to have a proper and calm conversation with him about this, during which you talk of the problem, how each of you feel about it, the possible scenarios to resolve it. If you don't want to have her live with you then you must say so. However, try not to give him an ultimatum. I'm sure there are other ways of her being looked after that don't involve her living with you. You can still visit and advocate if needed without being in each others pockets.

@Twebby.
@VeniceQueen2004 has nailed it , this is the best way forward

I think it's fair to expect siblings who are on good terms to care for each other in the sense of having POA, overseeing her bills, supervising care needs as required.

YANBU to not want her to live with you or do 24/7 care of her yourself. Women have done this type of silent work forever. In fact, it's expected and the care system would collapse if we all suddenly stopped.

She has her own flat and money so the best way forward after your PIL die would be to support her to live independently with carers coming as needed.