To ask whens the right time to have a baby and to want one so badly?

[Givemealltherice]

So I know there's no such thing as the actual right time but I wonder whens not the wrong time?
My partner and I want a child really badly, it's very important to us. We're both students and everything I see and read is saying don't do it when you're a student, so when? I think it might help with the waiting if I had some sort of time frame. So when was or would have been the right time for you? If you were me when would you start trying?
For context I'm 20 husband is 21, married last year been together 5 years. I'm in biochemistry and husband is in physics both graduating 2022 (both currently doing a placement year) we live in Newcastle. I would really settle for any job, whatever I do I imagine I'll have to enter some sort of graduate scheme based on my post graduate job research. Husband wants to be a science teacher so when graduating wants to enter something like the teach first scheme. We think we'd like 2 children but that seems like the kind of decision you make once you know what parent hood is like. I have a family history of people having trouble conceiving and I have irregular periods which I imagine will affect fertility.

I'd wait until you both have jobs. Babies are expensive

I had my first at 26, and will be 28 when number two is born. I have to say it was pretty perfect timing for us. I wanted to be young enough to have lots of energy and be able to ‘bounce back’. Whilst I hate being pregnant (suffered with hyperemesis and am used to a very active lifestyle so hate feeling limited), recovering from pregnancy was a dream. Parenting is hard, but it’s also doable. I really don’t feel like it’s holding me back or stopping me doing anything. We probably go out partying less than other people in their 20s but I think that‘a partially because we feel a bit ‘over it’ anyway so don’t bother. Having a really supportive partner who shares in parenting and household tasks is definitely key to getting the most out of parenthood. We did a fair bit of travelling before DS was born but I have every intention of doing more with DCs when finances allow. Our financial situation is fine, but it isn’t amazing tbh. We get by, we can afford little luxuries occasionally, but we don’t have much in the way of savings. I don’t think you need to have thousands in the bank just to have a baby. As long as the mortgage or rent is paid and everyone is fed, you’re grand.

Basically what I’m saying is I don’t think waiting until your late 20s or 30s because you need to have done XYZ or saved X amount is particularly necessary. Just graduate and get a stable job.

I felt exactly the same, honestly all that stopped me was the fear of telling family! We waited until I was 24 and OH was 26, id finished uni, but like so many, hadn't stumbled into the perfect job, I was doing mostly admin work (business degree). I now have a 19 month old and due baby 2 in January.

I earn very little and do a basic admin job 18 hours a week..: I wouldn't have it any other way! I love being at home with my DD and love being young enough that I have (hopefully) all my life and adventures ahead with her and baby 2! Being a mummy is amazing, and 24 was the right age for me. That said, my OH is very successful in his work and earns enough to comfortably support all of us and have treats. You do need to be financially stable. Babies are SO expensive! Also a support network, which can be be friends or family. For me, you don't need to have a "career" not everyone I that way inclined, but it MASSIVELY helps to be financially stable.

I’m not convinced you’ll be happy to have a child and then hand it to your husband to raise. You talk about a deep urge to care for something, if you’re craving for that is so strong you are going to want to be with your child for longer than a few months. With that in mind I would want to be in a place with my career where I had good maternity provision and could work part time.

I don't think there's any right time. There's certain circumstances that make it better but life usually has a way of working itself out. I had a baby at 20 and by 29 I had four. I'm a sahm, I was never going to have a high flying but I will have a job again when the kids are older. I'm not saying my way is right for everyone but I'm happy and content with what I have. If you're able to get a career first then I would do that as it would be harder with a child but ultimately it's up to you.

• high flying career

It’s worth doing all the other things that are important to you before having a child. At times they are positively awful for your self-esteem, so it needs to be pretty solid. For that, you need to have done a fair bit of living before you launch into nappies, Calpol and the ‘joys’ of suckling small mammals (aka life as a dairy cow). Who wants that aged 21? On a more positive note, greater life experience means you have more to share with your kids as they grow. Seriously, what is the point of merely completing your education and reproducing? Why are you so desperate for a child at this time?

you need to have done a fair bit of living before you launch into nappies, Calpol and the ‘joys’ of suckling small mammals (aka life as a dairy cow). Who wants that aged 21?

I did. It worked for me and thousands of other women. It’s great having your kids when your fertility and energy levels are at their peak, it’s equally great building your career in your 30s without the distraction of sleepless nights and paying £££ for childcare.

At a point where your contemporaries’ careers are stalling because of maternity leave and part time working, you storm past them because you’re a better bet from an employer’s point of view. Then you have the joy of adult children in your 40s. You get to enjoy your increased income and new found freedom.

I know a few people who have ended up having children as students. All have struggled far more than those who had them a few years later. Some didn't even complete their studies.

I had my first at 24. I'd graduated, we were married, we had a secure house and both of us had jobs. My job wasn't great but it was enough to get some savings behind us and for me to get maternity pay. Don't underestimate how much difference that makes.

Especially right now you may need to move for jobs and you really don't want to do that when pregnant or with a baby. I'd say get your degrees, get your DH through his training and NQT year and into a job then go from there.

Teacher training is insanely stressful but the career is secure if you can hack it. Get him into a job (and get yourself earning and saving) and you'll have a lot more security whatever life throws at you and likely you'll still have kids before 30, even if it takes a while.

I would await until you've both graduated, and been in jobs long enough to give you a decent mat leave

I totally get the desire you have a baby but I don't think you've thought beyond that point at the moment and you're only 20 so not surprising really.

You need to wait until you pu both have jobs and have been in those jobs a while. Wait until you know what your maternity package will be. Will the job you have earn enough to warrant your oh to stay at home? Thats not luxury many parents have so you do need to consider that both of you will might have to work if you can't pay the bills on one wage so then there's the cost of childcare to add in.

Dont just settle for any job, just to have a baby earlier, you could regret that later in life. Get all the practicalities in place first and you're young enough to have time to do that.

@VinylDetective THIS! We get such a hard time having babies in 20's. But there are MASSIVE pros. Your most fertile while you are young for a reason... raising babies is physically hard! And just because we had babies first, doesn't mean we can't go on to have brilliant careers and fantastic holiday. No doubt I'll get hate for saying this.