To ask whens the right time to have a baby and to want one so badly?

[Givemealltherice]

So I know there's no such thing as the actual right time but I wonder whens not the wrong time?
My partner and I want a child really badly, it's very important to us. We're both students and everything I see and read is saying don't do it when you're a student, so when? I think it might help with the waiting if I had some sort of time frame. So when was or would have been the right time for you? If you were me when would you start trying?
For context I'm 20 husband is 21, married last year been together 5 years. I'm in biochemistry and husband is in physics both graduating 2022 (both currently doing a placement year) we live in Newcastle. I would really settle for any job, whatever I do I imagine I'll have to enter some sort of graduate scheme based on my post graduate job research. Husband wants to be a science teacher so when graduating wants to enter something like the teach first scheme. We think we'd like 2 children but that seems like the kind of decision you make once you know what parent hood is like. I have a family history of people having trouble conceiving and I have irregular periods which I imagine will affect fertility.

Hi OP,

I’ll be honest I think the whole “there is no right time” thing is a bit naive. Of course there is a right time and there are times that are a lot, lot better than others.

Obviously people have children in all sorts of circumstances but why make it a struggle? I don’t mean to be unkind but I think the fact you have to ask if having a baby as a student is the wrong time shows you haven’t really considered the reality of this. I totally understand the feeling of baby fever (I’ve had it myself!) but the reality is it’s really hard work and your circumstances could be a lot better than they are now.

Have you thought about how you will afford to feed, clothe and house yourselves and a baby? How will you pay your bills? Will you be able to afford child care? Will you have any money left over to actually spend on enjoying yourselves? If you literally live hand to mouth every month, it probably won’t be much fun. Money worries are stressful anyway without adding a newborn to the mix.

You say you’re willing to settle for any job but why not aim higher and get a good graduate job in the field you’re qualified in? You say your husband wants to teach, which is great, as science is a shortage subject so he probably stands quite a good chance. Your NQT year is hard though, I couldn’t imagine doing it with a young baby. It just seems like unnecessary stress on you both.

I know waiting a few years seems like ages away but I’d honestly wait until you’ve both graduated, are in stable employment with a decent place to live and can afford to take care of yourselves and a child. Also, have you thought about child care? If you decide to conceive now then who looks after the baby when you both need to be in lectures or writing and researching projects or whatever? What if you have a difficult pregnancy and end up with HG or something, so can’t attend a lot of your lectures or complete a lot of university work before you give birth? Would you be able to defer your course? Is there any guarantee that if you did defer, you’d be able to pick it up again with a newborn?

I also totally understand your fear of infertility. I knew I was going to struggle to conceive, I’d know that since I was 18, but I still wanted to wait until we were settled in good jobs and would be able to support ourselves and a baby financially. There is no reason that just because your family members have had infertility, you will. Try not to let that fear push you into making a rash decision.

I know it all seems so wonderful when you start thinking about having a baby and of course it is wonderful but I think you need to really, really think about this.

Good luck OP. I hope this hasn’t come across as unkind. I really hope everything works out for you.

Please, please, do not sacrifice your opportunity for an independent career and income. I hate that you say you would settle for any job. Don’t waste your education while your partner makes the most of his.

I had my oldest daughter at 20 in the second year of a 4 year degree. I completed my degree and got the job I wanted and my daughter has turned out perfect but I really wouldn’t recommend it, although I wouldn’t change her for the world and we’ve had an amazing life, it was very hard at times and I can’t imagine why anyone would choose that path on purpose. My youngest I had at 30 with an established career, my own home and savings - so much easier in every way

Also if you're worried about fertility problems, focus on getting a well paid job. Fertility treatment can be expensive!

So much good advice on this thread. You are really fortunate that you are in a position to plan well for this, so don’t cock it up!

Of course you could have a baby soon and you’d probably cope, but you would be unlikely to be happy and you also wouldn’t be in a financial position to set your child up as well in life as if you waited a few more years. Money isn’t everything but it is really important!

You need to graduate and both qualify into careers that you want. You have amazing potential - dont throw that away! You need somewhere secure to live (ideally owning a property - much easier to get a mortgage pre kids with two salaries and no dependents or childcare costs). You need maternity pay so you can take the time off with your baby that both they and you need. You need to be able to afford the right childcare for them. You will also want to be able to get them nice clothes, lovely Christmas and birthday presents, treat them to family holidays and days out etc.

Realistically, if you have a baby now you will seriously impede your chances of graduating, getting a graduate job, owning a property, and being financially comfortable. It wouldn’t be impossible but it would be much much harder. It will make absolutely no difference to your fertility to wait a few more years so you’re trying properly at say 24/25.

I’d wait until you’ve graduated and try and save hard for a house deposit between now and then. If you don’t quite have enough by the time you graduate you will at least have got some savings and won’t have to work as long to save.
Life is easier when you own you’re own home.

Thank you everyone for the advice! I think I could have phrased this post better. I'm not asking should I have a child as a student, sensibly I know the answer is no (although I would be lying to say that if 30 people had said go for it now I wouldn't have thought harder about it). I'm more asking when is a good time, I look forward in our careers and I don't know when we can just step out and have a baby before it's too late? Btw for those of you concerned ideally oh wants to be stay at home dad/on call parent, I probably should have mentioned this to avoid the whole you'll work part time thing. What I meant by I'll do anything is that I'm not particularly concerned on whether I go into pharmaceuticals or water testing or any other sector not that I'm happy to keep stocking shelves at the weekend.
So what do I do with this ache? Right now it feels like all I can imagine is getting pregnant, irregular periods mean I find my self having to test semi regularly incase of condom failure and every time I'm half hoping it positive. Our flat won't allow pets and just want to care for something so badly.

I’d say the solution to that is to move flat and get a pet!

Once you have a career, the minimum time to wait is the time it takes to qualify for your enhanced maternity package. Probably 6-12 months before conceiving. But it’s much easier to establish yourself and reputation before you have kids, so that people will trust that when you leave early for childcare pick ups etc you’re reliable and not just slacking off, so probably a couple of years realistically.

As for when it’s “too late”, you’ve probably got a 20 year window here so you’re not in any rush. Irregular periods don’t mean you’ll have problems conceiving. You should definitely have some testing done before making any decisions based on that.

I look forward in our careers and I don't know when we can just step out and have a baby before it's too late

It's not that much of a conundrum, surely? Graduate, find a job with some promise of security and progression (insofar as this is possible now), save, get yourself into a position of economic security as far as you can, ideally own your own home or have a secure tenancy, because moving on periodically against your will with a small child is grim -- then ttc.

I am not saying a pet is a substitute for a child just that it might occupy my caring urges.
Also I am genuinely so greatful for all the advice!

Also based on your latest post try and think past the being pregnant stage which honestly goes by very quickly, what comes after is the hard part no matter how hard the pregnancy/birth.

I don't think there is a right time hun but your both so young I would just enjoy married life for a bit...do things like go on amazing holidays etc as life is totally different when you have a child (obviously for the better)...me and my husband waited 2 years after our wedding to have a baby and when we were financially stable xx

I mean this kindly OP, but have you got much experience with babies or small children? Yes they are wonderful and lovely, but God they are hand work! And a major life change.

Also, are you sure you would be happy to go back to work and your husband be a stay at home dad? Not saying it doesn't work for some couples, but seems mismatched with your statement of I "just want to care for something so badly". Don't rush into anything.

You say your DH wants to be a SAHD but you might want to be a SAHM when the time comes. You need to have graduated and got a good few years steady employment under your belt in my opinion. You are so young yet. I would give it at least 5/6 years before trying.

I would have ideally loved kids at 27/28. It wasn't to be though as I didn't meet DH until 29 and then infertility meant I was 34 before DS came along. You're halfway there if you've already got the bloke, just take some time to do things for yourself first.

I felt like you did around your age OP. I'm 28 now, and had my first baby a few weeks ago. We have had fertility issues and had been trying since 2017.

For me, I wanted to be on the property ladder and reasonably well established career wise. People will have different ideas about what established career wise means. I'm only a few weeks in, but having a baby turns your life upside down, and being stable in this way gives you more options. I actually had a termination at 19 and found it incredibly tough. In truth, I didn't want the termination. However, I can see now that I am in such a better position to be a parent. I'm sure I would have coped back then, but it would have been so much harder and I doubt I would be on the property or in the career I am.

Get the groundwork ie. uni and a decent job, sorted, and then re evaluate. Also factor in maternity leave/pay/savings needed and you'll be in a much better position to enjoy your time out.

Wait till you have graduated. 2022 will be here before you know it. I had baby (unplanned) in the middle of my nursing degree and finishing my course and bringing up a baby was extremely difficult emotionally and financially. I wouldn't change my dd for the world, but we would of been in a better position financially and I could of spent more time with her if i had her a year later. One thing to look into is the help you get financially when your a student. Throughout my mat leave I could only get maternity allowance which is a lot less than what I would of got if I had been working. I went to CA for advice as I had no clue where to start

@Givemealltherice you sound pretty severely naive about a lot of this, tbh. "Caring urges" are not really a good enough reason to have a baby at 20, there are a huge number of ways in which you could really do with extra life experience and maturity before having a baby. Especially if you got married as a teen - i would give your relationship a good handful of years before you add the strain of a baby.

@Bitchinkitchen I don't know what I'm being so naive about? I know I shouldn't have a baby at 20, I'm not having a baby at 20. I'm asking whens a good time.

When you can afford to have one, when your relationship is long term and solid, and you've established yourself in your career.

I felt 'ready' at 25, DH felt ready when I was 28 (he's one year older). Had my DS at 29!
I still would have preferred to start our family at 25 as by then we had our degrees, were started on our career paths & had a home.
Also, I want 2 or 3 more and fear fertility or health issues (for eithet me or baby) the older I get.
Everyone is different but if you are financially ready and both want one then why not?

Get good jobs.
Buy a house.
Have savings and pensions.
Travel.

I would get your husbands teach first training out of the way then go for it. It is such an intensive year I would be very reluctant to do both at the same tine unless you had to.

Honestly? I think I did have mine at the right time and I was 34 when I gave birth. I won't list our exact situation as people would say you don't need X and Y, but it was mentally made much easier after 14 years of travelling, working and saving together than it might have been.

I've been broody forever! Been with my husband since we were 14. Both graduated uni and good stable jobs, got a mortgage at 24 and married at 25. I found that was a lovely time to ttc for a baby! Hubby wanted to wait a little so tried at 27!
My advice is stable job and home.
I don't live far from you are, house prices are good l.

My tick list for when to have a child was
Graduated
Married
Stable jobs
Home owner
For me those didn't all fall into place until I was 29 but for you that could be 23 - some people don't care about marriage or dont ever own a property so the list isn't the same for everybody. You need to work out what your priorities are starngers on the internet can't do that for you. There is a whole world of difference between not having everything in place and being 35 so you decide to go for it because it could be now or never and being 20. Graduate, sort out a job, sort out somewhat to live, save, save, save then the time will be as good as any.