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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask whens the right time to have a baby and to want one so badly?

87 replies

Givemealltherice · 01/08/2020 18:18

So I know there's no such thing as the actual right time but I wonder whens not the wrong time?
My partner and I want a child really badly, it's very important to us. We're both students and everything I see and read is saying don't do it when you're a student, so when? I think it might help with the waiting if I had some sort of time frame. So when was or would have been the right time for you? If you were me when would you start trying?
For context I'm 20 husband is 21, married last year been together 5 years. I'm in biochemistry and husband is in physics both graduating 2022 (both currently doing a placement year) we live in Newcastle. I would really settle for any job, whatever I do I imagine I'll have to enter some sort of graduate scheme based on my post graduate job research. Husband wants to be a science teacher so when graduating wants to enter something like the teach first scheme. We think we'd like 2 children but that seems like the kind of decision you make once you know what parent hood is like. I have a family history of people having trouble conceiving and I have irregular periods which I imagine will affect fertility.

OP posts:

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 01/08/2020 21:00

Im going to add i remember being really broody at 20 too. Must be hormones.

flowerycurtain · 01/08/2020 21:08

Honestly? A good 10 years. A marriage, car and house deposit behind you. A good career that either of you can flip to p/t if you want.

Mommabear20 · 01/08/2020 21:09

DH and I have been together 5.5 years (married October'19, 1 month shy of our 5 year anniversary) and now have a 1 month old. Wed have loved to have children sooner but we're now grateful that we waited and could enjoy our early 20s as a couple without the worry of raising a child. You're both still very young and there's so much more to marriage/relationships that starting a family. Enjoy each other for a few years, finish your studies and then start trying. Having said that, there's no reason you could t start preparing for children, creating a savings account to buy all the babies things (crib, clothes etc) so that it's not a sudden expense. Just remember that whatever advise you get on here and from friends and family, it's ultimately up to you and you'll know better than anyone what is right for you.
Good luck to you both though whenever YOU decide it's the right time for YOU!

Tobebythesea · 01/08/2020 21:16

Please wait a few years and establish your careers. I have 2 small children and I’m going back to retrain in September at university. This has taken years or saving and planning. The everyday logistics and costs of doing this are very challenging.

It obviously depends on your circumstances eg family help, flexible schedules,
savings etc. Please do me a favour and telephone even 1 local nursery on Monday and find out how much a place is. It’s eye watering!

Children are amazing but they are also the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

eausolovely · 01/08/2020 21:16

I'm 24 and due in two months, we own our home and my partner has a really good stable job. I am finishing my degree but it's online and I also work full time. I will have him as I finish my last year of uni then after my maternity leave I will be starting my PGCE. Students actually get a lot of discount on childcare which is great. I would say it's okay for one of you to still be studying but I would say having one regular good income is great to feel like it's not going to be a financial struggle.

Aneley · 01/08/2020 21:18

Not the same situation at all but while we were struggling with infertility - pets DID help. At one point we couldn't have one of our own (we were renting) so we signed up for Borrow my Doggy - check it out. It may help channel your caring instinct a little.

jimmyjammy001 · 01/08/2020 21:21

Good career, financial stable, good amount of equity in a family home so not having to move around, married, emergency savings and your good to go

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 01/08/2020 21:23

I'd say as a bare minimum, the right time for you would be when -

You've both got graduate jobs and dont have any more studying to do, and have been in your jobs long enough to qualify for enhanced maternity leave (usually one or two years)

You have saved up enough money to cover a year of maternity leave, baby things etc.

BendingSpoons · 01/08/2020 21:26

Make a list of things you want to do or achieve and then focus on completing some of them. Some might be practical like graduate, buy a house, save money, some might be more project like, learn a language, visit a place, watch the sunrise. You can work towards the practical ones as steps towards your goal of having a baby and enjoy completing the others, knowing they would be harder to complete with a small child.

VinylDetective · 01/08/2020 21:26

Graduate first then crack on. I had my son when I was 21. I had loads of energy, could get by on very little sleep and didn’t worry about anything. You’ve never had any money so you don’t miss it. I thoroughly recommend it. Grown up kids when you’re in your 40s are awesome.

Blackbear19 · 01/08/2020 21:32

Your 20 now, graduate 2022, work for at least 5 years, you'll still only be 27, get as much experience as you can in that time. Save as hard as you both can for a house deposit. Get in your house - then think about babies.

Ideally I think late 20s is the ideal time for babies but life doesn't always work to that plan.
Don't wait until late 30s then get upset because it doesn't happen.

KorkMum · 01/08/2020 22:04

After you have graduated.

OnTheFencePaint · 01/08/2020 22:09

I would really settle for any job

Are you perhaps having a crisis of confidence, and are thinking a baby would be a way out of getting a challenging job?

Sorry if I am off track on this! I wasn’t sure what you meant when you talked about postgrad research and having to take a graduate scheme job. Are they not very competitive? Is this if you don’t have a baby by then?

You have 45 years of work ahead, give or take a few - babies don’t last that long. So I’d give the first step on the ladder some more thought.

I can’t relate to you both wanting a family so young, but that doesn’t mean you are wrong. Maybe in your region it’s possible to live a comfortable life on one teacher salary, or you might have relatives to provide childcare which would mean you could afford to work, and you might not care about material things or travel. Just make sure you have done the sums and thought ahead (and read about the challenges of babies/children on mumsnet)!

2020iscancelled · 01/08/2020 22:09

Live and enjoy your life for a while first, what’s the rush?
Why are you in such a rush to give up any freedom you currently have?
I find it incredibly hard in my late 30s, I can’t imagine how difficult being a parent at 20 would be.
Makes me sad to think about it tbh

Purpletigers · 01/08/2020 22:17

Completed education and working , owning a house( if you want to own a house), able to drive so not limited with job prospects. Some
money in the bank .

trixiebelden77 · 01/08/2020 22:36

Once your career is better established.

An essential part of being a parent is being financially responsible for another person for at least 18 years.

Misscoffeecrazy3 · 01/08/2020 22:38

I met my DH at 18, got to together at 19, married at 25, first baby at 27 and second at 29. At around the age of 21 I was absolutely desperate for a baby. To the extent that I was trying to persuade my DH to go for it even though I had only just graduated and he was in a lowly paid job. He said absolutely not, (he already had a child and knew what we would be letting ourselves in for!) so we waited. I’m so glad we did. I spent my time focusing on other things, wedding, holidays, building my career, Supporting him through his degree and building his career. I can’t say our first child (or second!) was perfectly timed but we were much more ready to deal with parenthood at this stage than we would have been years earlier. Those years helped us improve our prospects in regards to career, finances and general quality of life. Sometimes I even think we maybe should have waited a bit longer, had more savings, enjoyed travelling. I know it feels unbearable to wait but really, once you have your child you have them for life. Spend some time on you first so when the time comes you’re ready.

Misscoffeecrazy3 · 01/08/2020 22:42

Also will echo what a PP said, as soon as your child is born you lose your freedom. I know a lot of people will say babysitters shared care with the other parent etc but the reality is you can’t every just put yourself coat on and leave the house on a whim. You’ll have to meticulously plan childcare for every adult outing you have until they’re old enough to take care of themselves. Enjoy living your life for a while!

Misscoffeecrazy3 · 01/08/2020 22:43

Sorry for typos. Also a result of babies - you’re constantly bordering on being asleep due to night feeds and hectic days!

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 01/08/2020 22:44

The 'right time' is when you have someone truly committed to you..being married is the best show of commitment.

After that it's really all about income. No jobs atm so now is not a great choice. You are a student so obviously trying to learn something in order to do something... so do that first. Then when you've got a couple of years under your belt and so has he.. go for it.

Rabbittheart · 02/08/2020 07:15

Lots of good advice on here. For me both mine and DH careers fell into the right place in our late twenties meaning we were ready to ttc. Having established careers and financial security made the world of difference. I could go back to my job part time and during this hideous pandemic he has had the flexibility to work from home. We would gave been screwed otherwise.

If you are worried about your fertility you could ask to speak to your gp about your irregular periods. Fwiw mine gave always been irregular, bit I conceived first month twice in my thirties. I was convinced it would be a struggle.

Re nuturing- you could see this part of your life as setting your life up for babies, or volunteer, they have cuddle buddies in hospitals, or local playgroups maybe? It would give you a window into the realities of being a parent.

Sailingblue · 02/08/2020 07:23

Personally I think you’re too young. You both sounds like you’ve got good prospects for future career development. If you were my child I’d say enjoy your 20s, get established in your careers, sort out housing and then think about children in your late 20s to early 30s. Children are wonderful but expensive, hard work and I’m very glad we were able to establish ourselves first. There is a lot of drudge and stress. I knew it would be hard work when I started but you don’t ever really have a clue until you have your own.

MsTSwift · 02/08/2020 07:25

Didn’t meet dh until I was 28. Married at 31 first baby 32 second at 34. Both had professional jobs and we owned our house so for us that was the right time. Wouldn’t have occurred to me to have a baby when a student makes zero sense. Why would you?

Sailingblue · 02/08/2020 07:29

Also I can’t reiterate how different it is being responsible for small people and having time
For yourself. We had childcare planned for a night out this weekend for the first time since February. One of the children was ill so we had to cancel. We’ve had it planned for weeks and we were gutted.

pupstersdream · 02/08/2020 07:34

Totally understand. I married young and we did wait a while to start trying. We started at 24 and actually had a baby after fertility treatment at 29. I’d definitely wait until you graduate though, it will be so hard to go back and finish.

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