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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner isn't bothered about my 30th

62 replies

Bex781 · 01/08/2020 11:30

So I turn 30 on Monday 3rd August. I was furloughed in March and told i was returning to work on Monday my birthday. I didn't have a problem with this as work is work and I've been desperate to get back to it. I asked my partner if he had any plans and he said he had too much work on to book any time off so he hadnt planned anything for us to do as a family. I made the plans for our daughter to go to my parents so we could at least go out for a meal somewhere. His 49th birthday was January this year and I paid for us to have a weekend away up north to visit a place he's always wanted to go for it cost about £400 all in for the weekend. I get him a cake every year for his birthday. I didn't get a card for mother's day which he usually buys from my daughter he said due to lockdown. I went to buy him a card for father's day also in lockdown but morrisons had sold out so I brought some craft supplies and made him a homemade card. I feel like I make effort for every celebration of his and he can't be bothered to do anything for my birthday!? Am I being harsh?

OP posts:
zigaziga · 01/08/2020 11:32

I think you should say that for your 30th you want to go out for dinner, or get a special takeaway, an expensive bottle of wine and have a nice evening at home.
He hasn’t planned anything which is a bit rubbish but that doesn’t mean nothing needs to happen. You have your babysitters lined up.. book something yourself?

Sparklesocks · 01/08/2020 11:33

I would be hurt too.
Have you talked to him openly about birthdays/mother’s day being important to you and feeling let down when nothing is done for them? Some people don’t seem it as a big deal themselves and may assume others feel the same way.

Shamoo · 01/08/2020 11:39

Have you spelled out that it’s important to you? You shouldn’t have to, but I do think that’s the next step. Tell him you expect him to organise something for you like you always do for him. If he doesn’t, then you know you have a real issue.

Bluepolkadots42 · 01/08/2020 11:51

I think it's really shitty he hasn't planned anything- or appears not to. 30th is a bit of a milestone birthday and you sound like you always make the effort for his special events. I would tell him you're expecting something nice to happen - along lines of what other PPs have said- and also make it clear that you're upset you're even having to ask him to remember your special birthday.

Emeraldshamrock · 01/08/2020 11:53

Yanbu. I'm not big into birthdays even milestones neither is DP. As you made a special effort for him he should do the same.
Is he planning a surprise.

InDreamland · 01/08/2020 11:55

I would be hurt and disappointed too. Have you spoken to him? Some men are rubbish at cards, presents and organising things for birthdays and Mother's Day - my DH is an prime example of that (my 40th and first Mother's Day were a total let down this year, just before lockdown came in). Your DP can't use lockdown as an excuse for not getting a card for Mother's Day, he had plenty of time to get one before, my DH even managed that. Supermarkets were still open, he could've picked up a card from one of them if he left it last minute. Is he normally rubbish at organising cards, gifts and a little celebration meal/activity or is this year the first time? Do you normally have to tell him what you want maybe rather than wait for him to use his initiative? My DH has to be told what I want to do and then he'll attempt to book something but if I don't tell him, as in spell it out, I get nothing.

CausingChaos2 · 01/08/2020 11:56

Yanbu. It’s a special birthday, he should be making the effort.

LannieDuck · 01/08/2020 12:10

Maybe a conversation?

"Do you like it when I organise things for your birthday, or are you not really bothered? Because I put a lot of effort into it, and you don't seem to want to do the same for me even when it's a milestone birthday.

If you're really not interested, that's fair enough, but please be honest about it and I'll stop organising things for you. At the moment it feels really unfair and it's upsetting me."

And then just put your efforts into organising something for you own birthday.

Elieza · 01/08/2020 12:18

In my experience men don’t arrange stuff. That’s women’s work!!! Apparently.
Either that or they don’t do stuff as they wouldn’t enjoy it but don’t care/engage brain sufficiently to consider that their other half/dc would enjoy...

Do you do most of the arranging and basically sort stuff out etc? If so it probably hasn’t crossed his mind do do something as he ‘knows’ you would do it if you wanted it. Not that he should get off his fat lazy carcass and crack on with arrangements himself.

You have to tell them what you want in words of one syllable.

ie, “you know it’s my birthday on Monday, well as it’s a big one I would like to do something really special. So can you book us a hotel overnight on Saturday next weekend and we can go away? Feel free to book next Monday off too and then we could go away for a couple of nights next weekend like we did for your recent birthday which wasn’t even a biggee. And on my actual birthday I would like a family meal at a restaurant and a birthday cake. I hope that’s not too much to ask as I’m really looking forward to this birthday and want you to make me feel special on my Big Birthday. Thanks babe love you’.

Cadent · 01/08/2020 12:24

You're not being harsh.

You should stop making an effort for his birthday. Definitely don't do anything for his 50th next year.

He's a selfish knob.

Nicknamegoeshere · 01/08/2020 12:29

YANBU, he should make more of an effort. And it isn't about buying expensive gifts of course - it really is the thought that counts. The little touches.
My fiancé is getting off lightly for my 40th this year as our daughter will be just six months. So very little alcohol or child-free celebrations for me! My 30th was the same - my son was six months too at that point! Well at least that won't be happening on my 50th!! Grin
Have you spoken to him about how you're feeling?

vikingwife · 01/08/2020 12:30

Pretty poor of him, it’s a milestone birthday.

I hope you’ve discussed his pension plan !

fflelp · 01/08/2020 12:30

What has he done for your previous birthdays? Nothing?
He got a trip up North for his 49th birthday and gets a cake every year.
I think he's a knob.
The very least he should be doing is arranging a meal out for the two of you or if that's not possible because of Corona restrictions, getting some really good food in and cooking for you and buying good wine, chocolates etc... as well as a present.

I think you need to have a conversation with you. If he's not prepared to make an effort like this then I'd be rethinking the whole thing.
And I wouldn't be making a fuss for his 50th either. He had a trip away for his 49th. He'll have to make do. If he doesn't care about your 30th, then he's sending you a message that he doesn't care about birthdays so let him know what that feels like.

Shoxfordian · 01/08/2020 12:32

Have you told him how annoyed you are? I wouldn't be happy with this complete lack of effort

RandomTree · 01/08/2020 12:34

Definitely don't lift a finger for his 50th next year!

redcarbluecar · 01/08/2020 12:42

No I don't think you're being harsh; that sounds disappointing. I agree with PP about having a conversation with him, but in terms of celebrating your birthday, is there anything you could do as an alternative, with a friend maybe?

Nikori · 01/08/2020 12:44

My Ex was like this. I stopped making effort for him and spent the money on myself instead. I'd order myself a nice cake for my birthday and take us all out for dinner or on Mother's Day, I'd buy myself something special. On his birthday, I'd just wish him Happy Birthday and that was it. Yeah, it was petty, but he started it.

SmudgeButt · 01/08/2020 12:54

My OH made a big effort for one significant birthday and organised a big birthday party attended by all of his relatives. Then on the next decided we should have a week away in a place I didn't really want to go to at a hotel that was at best ok and it was a 8 hours drive. And included his aged and somewhat incontinent mother. Who I got to look after for the week.

I remind myself that at least he knows it's my birthday and is making an effort even if it's not what I want.

Grobagsforever · 01/08/2020 13:01

Sounds like you're married to a grumpy old man.

Can you go to a nice restaurant with a friend and live him to babysit?

Cadent · 01/08/2020 13:02

@Nikori brilliant! how did ex react?

Lazydayt00day · 01/08/2020 13:35

Happy birthday 🎂

I had a birthday during the lockdown

My partner went to the super market & bought me a few treats & a surprise birthday cake 🎂
Homemade birthday card
Takeaway, because all restaurants were closed
Bottle of wine
We went for a nice walk in the countryside
Perfect day

Your partner's actions, speak louder than words
He can't be bothered to make an effort

You deserve better

Wait until tomorrow & if nothing happens, let him know how insulated you are

Lazydayt00day · 01/08/2020 13:38

My other suggestion & I know a few people who do this

The person who has the birthday
Gets to choose what they want to do
So, this may take some pre planning in advance, if you want a holiday or an activity

Therefore guaranteeing your perfect day !Grin

Dazzedandconfused · 01/08/2020 13:46

I'd be a bit upset as well! Your 30th is a bug birthday imo! I celebrated my 30th last year and went on holiday with close friends, we literally partied for a week and my friends made it very special. (Banners and balloons, shout outs, organised a surprise boat trip etc)
If your DH isnt putting effort in you should at least go out for a nice meal etc with friends

ddl1 · 01/08/2020 14:21

Maybe as some pp have suggested, these sorts of Special Days aren't terribly important to him. (In my own case, if anyone even TRIES to get me to celebrate an age-milestone birthday of my own, they'll be lucky if I don't actually boil them in oil; but I realize that I've always been unusual on this issue.). You should tell him that these things matter to you. If he continues to ignore them, then YANBU to be hurt that he is not taking your wishes seriously. But I do think that lockdown may be exacerbating the problem, by having an opposite effect on people who start with different attitudes. For some people, birthdays (even if they don't hate them as much as I do), Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, etc. are mainly social occasions that are fun to celebrate, and if it's not possible to socialize, the purpose of the occasions mostly disappears. For some, they are signals of love and caring, and for them, they may become even more important under near-isolation. Maybe your partner is in the first category, and you in the second. Does he treat you in a caring way in general? If so, then I don't think the 'special days' matter so much, though if they're important to you, you should tell him. If not, then you have a bigger problem than his omissions on the 'special days'.

Nikori · 01/08/2020 15:48

[quote Cadent]@Nikori brilliant! how did ex react?[/quote]
He never showed that he was bothered about it. I have no idea if he was genuinely not bothered or if he was secretly raging. He did start paying for dinner if we went out though.

I prefer treating myself on my birthday though. I always get myself the perfect gift!