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Original poster

Partner isn't bothered about my 30th

62 replies

Bex781 · 01/08/2020 11:30

So I turn 30 on Monday 3rd August. I was furloughed in March and told i was returning to work on Monday my birthday. I didn't have a problem with this as work is work and I've been desperate to get back to it. I asked my partner if he had any plans and he said he had too much work on to book any time off so he hadnt planned anything for us to do as a family. I made the plans for our daughter to go to my parents so we could at least go out for a meal somewhere. His 49th birthday was January this year and I paid for us to have a weekend away up north to visit a place he's always wanted to go for it cost about £400 all in for the weekend. I get him a cake every year for his birthday. I didn't get a card for mother's day which he usually buys from my daughter he said due to lockdown. I went to buy him a card for father's day also in lockdown but morrisons had sold out so I brought some craft supplies and made him a homemade card. I feel like I make effort for every celebration of his and he can't be bothered to do anything for my birthday!? Am I being harsh?

OP posts:
ItchyScratch · 01/08/2020 16:29

It was my 36th birthday yesterday and for the 15th year in a row I got nothing off my DH.
And to top it off it took him 4 hours of being awake to say “oh shit yeah it’s your birthday- happy birthday” and that was it.

I’m lucky in that I have some friends and family who treat me.

katy1213 · 01/08/2020 16:36

Well, tell him to step up as restaurants aren't taking walk-ins so he needs to book. But that a £200 a head dinner somewhere nice will be very acceptable.

AlwaysCheddar · 02/08/2020 07:59

Why would you put up with this?

User87471643901065319 · 02/08/2020 08:35

I asked my partner if he had any plans and he said he had too much work on to book any time off so he hadnt planned anything for us to do as a family.
That doesn't say he hasn't planned anything at all or isn't going to even bother buying a card or a gift. Why is everyone slagging this man off and making assumptions when it isn't even the OP's birthday yet? He may have bought her a lovely card and present. He may have something in mind to do which just doesn't involve a day off and a family day out.

As for Mothers' day, only essential shops were open so everyone had to buy cards from supermarkets and they weren't equipped for the demand at such short notice. OP had the same problem with Fathers' day (despite non-essential shops opening the week before). Not everyone is good at crafts so can't make cards.

Give him a break!

Pinkyandthebrainz · 02/08/2020 08:36

YANBU. He sounds lazy and thoughtless, but I bet he'd kick off if you didn't do anything for his 50th!

@ItchyScratch Isn't that really crushing? How have you coped with that over the years?

Winterwoollies · 02/08/2020 09:36

@ItchyScratch that’s awful. I know on MN it’s deemed ridiculous to celebrate birthdays and special days (why, I don’t know. I love making people feel special on theirs and like to feel loved on mine) but this is very sad. Do you celebrate his?

MrsClatterbuck · 02/08/2020 10:06

@SmudgeButt

My OH made a big effort for one significant birthday and organised a big birthday party attended by all of his relatives. Then on the next decided we should have a week away in a place I didn't really want to go to at a hotel that was at best ok and it was a 8 hours drive. And included his aged and somewhat incontinent mother. Who I got to look after for the week.

I remind myself that at least he knows it's my birthday and is making an effort even if it's not what I want.

Sorry but I would have refused to go and had a lovely week to myself at home. I would not call that making a effort. Sounds like your birthdays are a way for him to get doing what HE wants go do. Very selfish behaviour.
brastrapbroken · 02/08/2020 10:09

It sounds quite passive of you to sit and wait for him to make plans, then be upset when they don't materialise, rather than simply discuss what you want to do. We just communicate and organise any birthday etc type thing.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 02/08/2020 10:11

It’s about showing you what you’re worth to him. If he does nothing it shows that what he thinks you’re worth - possibly quite deliberately to put you in your place.

At least that’s what my exh was like!

Showing someone you care on their birthday goes a long way.

Ellmau · 02/08/2020 10:19

What happened on your last birthday?

onceicaughtafishaliv · 02/08/2020 10:26

Let us know tomo what happens

Regularsizedrudy · 02/08/2020 10:36

A 49 year old has no business dating a 29 year old. Seriously he sounds like a miserable old git.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 02/08/2020 10:39

so he doesn't have plans
so he is free to babysit while you go out with friends

Prettybluepigeons · 02/08/2020 10:41

Why are you with a 49 year old?
What on earth can he possibly offer a 29 year old?

He needs to shape up or ship out!

Longdistance · 02/08/2020 10:44

Wait until tomorrow. See what he comes up with.
If nothing, he gets fuck all for his 50th and every other celebration forthwith.
I know on MN no one ever celebrates birthdays, but it costs very little to buy a card and make them think they’re being thought of.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 02/08/2020 10:49

Does he know what you want and what matters to you? If so he is unkind. If not you should tell him.

EinsteinaGogo · 02/08/2020 11:54

@Elieza

In my experience men don’t arrange stuff. That’s women’s work!!! Apparently. Either that or they don’t do stuff as they wouldn’t enjoy it but don’t care/engage brain sufficiently to consider that their other half/dc would enjoy...

Do you do most of the arranging and basically sort stuff out etc? If so it probably hasn’t crossed his mind do do something as he ‘knows’ you would do it if you wanted it. Not that he should get off his fat lazy carcass and crack on with arrangements himself.

You have to tell them what you want in words of one syllable.

ie, “you know it’s my birthday on Monday, well as it’s a big one I would like to do something really special. So can you book us a hotel overnight on Saturday next weekend and we can go away? Feel free to book next Monday off too and then we could go away for a couple of nights next weekend like we did for your recent birthday which wasn’t even a biggee. And on my actual birthday I would like a family meal at a restaurant and a birthday cake. I hope that’s not too much to ask as I’m really looking forward to this birthday and want you to make me feel special on my Big Birthday. Thanks babe love you’.

I think your post is sad, @Elieza.

Men / women / good partners in general DO care about their loved ones and want to make them happy.

OP - it sounds like your DH doesn't value your feelings. You have nearly a 20 year age gap. Is this really how you want the rest of your life to go?

EinsteinaGogo · 02/08/2020 12:03

Sorry, @Elieza - I think I misunderstood your post. I agree that promoting & specifying can be a good way to avoid disappointment.

Sorry for the misunderstanding.

billy1966 · 02/08/2020 12:10

OP, why are you with a selfish old man?

Selfish old men only get older and grumpier.

Why would you want to end up wasting the best years of your life with someone who cares so little for you?

Give yourself a shake.
Flowers

ddl1 · 02/08/2020 12:41

'Showing someone you care on their birthday goes a long way.'

For me, it doesn't. Showing me that you care EVERY day goes a long way. Showing that you care on Valentine's Day or Mother's Day or Christmas (I won't say my birthday, as I am birthday-phobic in any case - perhaps partly for this very reason) does not make up for a lack of caring on other days. And if you treat me well every day, I won't be that bothered if you forget or neglect a special occasion. I feel that a person, just like a dog(!), is for life, not just for a special day.

Motoko · 02/08/2020 12:50

Why are you with a 49 year old?
What on earth can he possibly offer a 29 year old?

Does he have a pension? (See a recent thread here, where the OP has the same age gap and has just discovered that her now 68 year old husband doesn't have a pension.)
Have you considered the future with him?

What has he done for your other birthdays? Even though they weren't milestone birthdays, he should have done something nice for you. If he hasn't, why do you expect him to do anything different? And why do you do so much for his birthdays?

mamapearl · 02/08/2020 12:52

Could you do something with friends? I'm 30 in 2 years- planning to go on a girls holiday- but wouldn't think to get my partner involved. I'm happy with a card and a kiss from him.

Motoko · 02/08/2020 12:53

'Showing someone you care on their birthday goes a long way.'

For me, it doesn't. Showing me that you care EVERY day goes a long way.

It's not either/or. People can show they care everyday, but also push the boat out for your birthday/Mother's Day etc.

fflelp · 02/08/2020 12:57

Does he have a pension? (See a recent thread here, where the OP has the same age gap and has just discovered that her now 68 year old husband doesn't have a pension.)
Have you considered the future with him?

Yes, please look at that other thread. It popped into my mind too when reading this.
Imagine yourself at 48 and your partner is 68 and wants to retire but has no pension so you're going to be working to provide or him and he's going to be sitting around at home.
Please discuss the finances and the future properly but frankly as he can't be arsed to do something nice for your 30th birthday, save yourself the bother and get rid.

mamapearl · 02/08/2020 13:08

I wasn't going to mention your age gap because I thought it would be rude, but others seem to think it's a bit odd.

You're just a few years older than me and I wouldn't look in the direction of an old man. Still prefer a 20 something