Partner isn't bothered about my 30th

[Bex781]

So I turn 30 on Monday 3rd August. I was furloughed in March and told i was returning to work on Monday my birthday. I didn't have a problem with this as work is work and I've been desperate to get back to it. I asked my partner if he had any plans and he said he had too much work on to book any time off so he hadnt planned anything for us to do as a family. I made the plans for our daughter to go to my parents so we could at least go out for a meal somewhere. His 49th birthday was January this year and I paid for us to have a weekend away up north to visit a place he's always wanted to go for it cost about £400 all in for the weekend. I get him a cake every year for his birthday. I didn't get a card for mother's day which he usually buys from my daughter he said due to lockdown. I went to buy him a card for father's day also in lockdown but morrisons had sold out so I brought some craft supplies and made him a homemade card. I feel like I make effort for every celebration of his and he can't be bothered to do anything for my birthday!? Am I being harsh?

Well he is utterly thoughtless when it comes to you. Id also say that you expect, on your birthday, to feel loved and appreciated.

Id also be spoiling yourself on that day.

You are not at all unreasonable, but on mumsnet there is some weird competitiveness with who can say celebrating, or even acknowledging, adult birthdays is ridiculous, immature and lacks class with the most enthusiasm. Very, very weird.

Christ you bunch of wankers! 49 isnt bloody old!!! Stop calling him an old man.

He is selfish and thoughtless, yes. An old man?! Give over.

I may be taking this too personally...

@fflelp

Does he have a pension? (See a recent thread here, where the OP has the same age gap and has just discovered that her now 68 year old husband doesn't have a pension.) Have you considered the future with him?

Yes, please look at that other thread. It popped into my mind too when reading this.
Imagine yourself at 48 and your partner is 68 and wants to retire but has no pension so you're going to be working to provide or him and he's going to be sitting around at home.
Please discuss the finances and the future properly but frankly as he can't be arsed to do something nice for your 30th birthday, save yourself the bother and get rid.

Ohhh, I can relate to this.

My ex didn't do much about a pension. And during the year before I left, he was telling other people his plan was to retire early (at 60), leaving me to carry on working and paying ALL the bills. This after bleeding me dry of any money I was given, inherited, redundancy payment, etc.

I don't think it's any coincidence that he rarely ever made an effort for my birthday, and if he did, he expected gushing praise for managing to buy a gift, like a CD of a band I like . He never bothered with cards. He used to say he was busy so hadn't had time, yet we were together a very long time and the date was the same every year. I, too, made efforts for his birthdays.

He knew I wanted a bit of care and attention on my birthday, especially as he didn't bother much at other times (unless he wanted something). That he didn't bother was a sign to me how little he cared.

I think the MN competitive dislike of celebrating birthdays is a bit wanky, really. For most people, celebrating someone's birthday is about showing them you care about them. Most people do find themselves going through day to day life and celebrating a birthday helps to lift people a bit when they feel cared for.

I also don't set too much stock in the "languages of love" I feel this only works when the people in the relationship are pretty decent, and has no relevance when your partner is a dick.

OP, I think you need to take a really good look at this relationship. He's a 49 year old grumpy wazzock, and I'm sure you can do better. By not bothering with your birthday, he's actually showing you how little he cares or respects you. And don't do anything for his 50th.

I’m in my 40s. I can’t imagine dating someone in their 20s. It seems really off.

I think it doesn’t tend to get better. He is happy for the OP to spend hundreds on his birthday but can’t even be arsed to organize her a card.

What’s he like at home? Does he do his fair share of housework? Does he do half the cooking? Half the childcare? Yeah, I thought not.

YANBU. He sounds lazy and thoughtless, but I bet he'd kick off if you didn't do anything for his 50th!
Hopefully, the op finds out this within the year, when she lets his 50th pass without note.

Is there a possibility of a surprise party? Be prepared just in case. I had one thrown for me and I looked like shit.

'Why are you with a 49 year old?
What on earth can he possibly offer a 29 year old?'

Potentially quite a lot! I'm not saying that this particular partner is the greatest, but I've known age-gap relationships that were ideal. Not everyone fits an age-stereotype, and assuming that a 49-year-old cannot possibly offer a 29-year-old anything is really no better than someone in the 1950s saying that relationships between people of different skin colour cannot work; someone in the 1980s saying that same-sex relationships are unnatural; or someone at any time saying that there should never be relationships between people from different social classes.

Of course, some older men do fit the stereotype of a well-off selfish type wanting a 'trophy wife' or someone to look after him in his old age. Just as some younger men do fit the stereotype of 'horny' unfaithful types just out for a good time. But the stereotypes do not apply to everyone or even the majority.

PS 49 is hardly an 'old man' in any case!

'For most people, celebrating someone's birthday is about showing them you care about them.'

Not for me. (I am talking about what I want from others, not saying that I refuse to celebrate their birthdays). It's just a way of rubbing in that I'm a year older, and trying to force me to conform to an age stereotype (see my other post for my attitude to age-stereotypes). And if you need someone's birthday for an opportunity to show that you care about them, then you don't care about them that much! This isn't a competitive Mumsnet thing; even as a kid, long before the Internet let alone Mumsnet, though I'll admit that I liked presents, I hated the attitude of 'Now you're age X, you ought to be able to do Y!'

Now: I do think that one sign of caring is to be willing to accommodate another person's wishes; and if you know that someone wants to have their birthday celebrated, then it is unkind and inconsiderate not to do so. But it should also be remembered that there are some people who genuinely don't want to, and that we do mean it: we are not being coy or capricious or playing a competitive game. For some reason, people seem to be far more willing to believe that some people (not only people of other religions) hate Christmas than that some people hate their own birthdays!

(OK, I realize that I'm derailing the thread a bit!

Quite honestly I'd be tempted to either try and organise a special meal somewhere with a friend, or bugger off to a luxury hotel for the night.

I also don't set too much stock in the "languages of love" I feel this only works when the people in the relationship are pretty decent, and has no relevance when your partner is a dick.

Agreed.

Well has he made an effort today?

Happy Birthday OP!
🎂 🎁 🥳