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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to contribute to daughters rent?

62 replies

Applepea1 · 01/08/2020 11:29

So I know this is the opposite of what would usually be asked but in a dilemma about this.
Daughter was due to go away to university last year but took a gap year at the last minute. She then met her boyfriend who had to leave his shared house during lockdown and ended up moving in with us. This situation is ok but never supposed to be permanent and I'd like it to end soon. Daughter and I have had issues and I was honestly really looking forward to her going away to uni!
She is due to start at our local University now in September as she doesn't want to leave BF.
Rents around here are extortionate and they couldn't afford a one bed place with his wages and her maintenance loan.
So I'm wondering if I should pay her share of the rent or something towards it so they can move out? If she'd gone away to uni I would have paid for accommodation but I'm not sure about this situation.
If he moves back to his parents I think he'd just be staying over here most nights anyway and I'd just lose his rent money.

OP posts:

KorkMum · 01/08/2020 12:16

Your choice OP. I wouldn't. Hes got a home.

KorkMum · 01/08/2020 12:17

If your running a free hotel I'll take a room😂

Cadent · 01/08/2020 12:27

Why are you letter this randomer that she met and moved in straightaway move in with you?

Tell him to move out asap. Then decide about your dd.

I paid for halls out of my student loan.

Cadent · 01/08/2020 12:29

If he moves back to his parents I think he'd just be staying over here most nights anyway and I'd just lose his rent money.

This is YOUR home, he doesn't get to stay over whenever he wants. Just put your foot down and send him home.

Please don't me you're cooking for these users?

TooFrickinHot · 01/08/2020 12:31

If you can afford it and you would prefer that she moved out, then I don't see why not.

Nb - just because they're a couple doesn't mean they need to rent a one bed flat - plenty of couples (especially students) rent a double room in a house share, or their own rooms in separate house shares.

SqidgeBum · 01/08/2020 12:31

Why can't she get a job and supplement her own rent?

Ellisandra · 01/08/2020 12:34

Lockdown is over. Tell him to move out. Tell her that you’re happy for him to stay over, but you don’t want a de facto lodger - so decide what’s acceptable to you, and tell her - be that once a week, or whatever.

Ellisandra · 01/08/2020 12:35

Absolutely don’t get into paying her share of the rent... then you’re fucked paying it all if they split up. At their age (well, any age!) there’s a fair chance that they will.

Somethingkindaoooo · 01/08/2020 12:38

Wouldn't she get a student loan?

Regulus · 01/08/2020 12:39

Can you pay for halls of residence? Then DD can move out boyfriend can go back to his parents and you are paying what you would of she'd gone away to uni but unlike paying 'normal' rent it's conditional.

ImaginaryCat · 01/08/2020 12:46

I'd encourage her towards living in normal student accommodation, halls or a big shared house. It's an important part of the student experience and helps her make friends. He can stay with his parents.
I knew several people at uni who made the decision of where to study based on a pre-existing relationship, and then they lived together. Every single one of those couples broke up and they ended up regretting missing out on the social side of uni accommodation.
But if she does do that, just remind her not to take the piss and move him in by stealth to a shared house. That will also cost her many potential housemates and friends!

Original poster

Applepea1 · 01/08/2020 12:50

They are good together, she's the happiest she's been in years. They buy their own food and do their cooking and cleaning (she has the loft room with en suite) I do their washing as I'm a control freak about my washing and drying but that's all. They don't cause any issues so I've not rushed to get him out. But they are just there. DD lost her good temp job during lockdown and is now working PT in a shop but I don't want commit to working when uni starts until she knows the timetable. Her maintenance loan is £3500 and halls accommodation would have been between £170-£220 a week. It's the unwritten rule that parents pay this, the loan doesn't come close to providing rent and living costs.

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 01/08/2020 12:53

Well your first mistake was letting him move in , however that’s easily sorted lockdown is now over so sit them down and ask them what the plan is . If the plan is he moves to another house share or moves home and she stays with you make it clear that sleepovers are only on x days at your discretion. Has he been paying you board whilst he’s been with you ?

Cadent · 01/08/2020 12:56

@Applepea1

Her maintenance loan is £3500 and halls accommodation would have been between £170-£220 a week. It's the unwritten rule that parents pay this, the loan doesn't come close to providing rent and living costs.

I'm not buying it sorry. Student loan got my through 3 years of living in Central London Halls. My parents didn't pay a penny.

She's happy because she's not adulting, you're doing it for her.

jay55 · 01/08/2020 13:00

Why can't they live in a shared house?

SqidgeBum · 01/08/2020 13:04

Maybe it's just me, but when I wanted to move out I was told 'you have to get a job'. I was like your daughter where I didn't necessary need to move out as I lived an hour drive from university. I also had no student loan (not UK) so I just had to get a job, as did all of my peers. There is no 'rule'. Its whatever you decide to do or can afford to do. Expecting basically an adult to fund themselves isnt the worst thing.

DoIneed1 · 01/08/2020 13:06

Cadent my dd's student loan didn't cover her rent. Not everyone's does.

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 01/08/2020 13:10

It’s time she smells reality. Gap year unexpectedly? 🤔 oh please!
Ultimatum, she chose this uni, she can choose again. It’s about time she learns some accountability for her actions! 👍

...and you get your peace and quiet back 💐

IntermittentParps · 01/08/2020 13:22

If you were going to help with her rent anyway, I don't really see why you shouldn't do so now. She's just going to a different uni but otherwise it's the same deal.

OTOH, I don't think it would be outrageous of you to leave her to pay her own rent. I got a student loan and small grant (yes it was aeons ago) and worked through most of my degree.

Tropicalsunshine · 01/08/2020 13:35

If her maintenance loan is £3500 then that is not the full amount of £7529 and has presumably been assessed on your income? Parents are expected to make up the loan shortfall. It seems reasonable to do that and let her decide how it's spent? (Based on a requirement to move out)
I think the advice to get a shared student house is spot on- it's all part of the experience and a private flat may be a luxury for later in life.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 01/08/2020 13:38

I am expecting to help my dc with rent payments when they get to that age, depending on where you live in the country rents have risen so much that it’s really hard to pay them on minimum wage.

Pay her rent to help her out

Emeraldshamrock · 01/08/2020 13:39

I would do it for 6 months see how it goes. It will probably be worth it for the peace of your home back.

Winter2020 · 01/08/2020 13:41

As mentioned by previous posters the government assumes a parental contribution based on your household income:
blog.moneysavingexpert.com/2016/09/how-much-are-parents-supposed-to-give-their-children-when-they-go-to-university/

Fairybio · 01/08/2020 13:44

It will be good for her to move out and live like an adult. I would pay for her accomodation either in halls or a flat, and she can then live off her student loan. Make sure you are only the guarantor for her, and not for the whole flat.

katy1213 · 01/08/2020 13:48

Not a good idea to start university tied to a boyfriend, anyway, so I wouldn't be enabling it.

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