AIBU - people need to stop enabling her horrid behaviour

[PeoniesGinandBags]

My sister is and her husband live a pretty closed off life... lovely home, he has a good job and they pretty much do everything together. Their social lives don't really exclude each other from any aspect. That wouldn't be for me, my DH like to do things together but also separate to each other (!) and have our own groups of friends. Just mentioning this for context as it's one of the things my sister thinks is 'odd'.

Recently my work has changed so that, like most people, I'm working remotely. I was furloughed for 6 weeks but since then it's been as full on as usual. DH works away so with having my daughter at home (6) it's been really busy for me trying to juggle.

Sister does not have children and is currently not working (her choice, they can absolutely afford for her not to) while she decided "what she wants to do next". She's applied for a few jobs and each time, she's asked me for help with her application which I've done, even though it's been tricky as I've been ridiculously busy.

Whenever I have asked sister to help with childcare at all. She always says no and does have an excuse. I know this might be plausible but it's literally every time. I don't ask a lot, just because she makes it so awkward. Think perhaps 4 times over the last year. During my working-from-home, I asked her to help one morning, she said no, and I've not asked since. BTW she's an ex-primary school teacher so it isn't as though she'd feel out of her depth etc.

Sister has a history of making really shitty comments to me and other family members, which everyone excuses as "she's in her own little bubble" and "that's just how she is". Things about my weight, personality, things Nan buys for her home being a waste of money etc etc. She's really upset people a few times but no-one challenges her on it.

Earlier this week she messaged to ask if I was around that day and I said yes but I was working (it was 9:30am). She then sent me a really shitty reply about not taking any time to see her, I was selfish etc etc. I told her it was 9:30am on a Tuesday and so like most people, I was working. She replied with some barbed comment about a commitment she knew I'd made with another family member for later in the week (I'd arranged to go for tea with an aunty that's been experiencing some poor mental health).

I replied that I'd made the arrangements last week, needed notice etc etc. Trying to appease her as everyone always does.

Today my Dad let it slip that sister had been to his house and told him that I "couldn't possibly be at work" as "everything is closed".,... making our like I'm some kind of bloody liar! As usual. he's then said "oh just ignore her. You know what's she's like" etc.

So, am I being unreasonable to now be at a point where I say that enough is enough? Surely the fact we're all pussy footing around her is contributing to her feeling that it's okay to be like this?

Stop helping her with her CV and point out her double standards.

@VettiyaIruken

Stop helping her with her CV and point out her double standards.

This

You are enabling her behaviour too by allowing her to treat you like this

So stop being her PA. She can ask her dh to help her. She obviously has no duty to help with your dc. Likely because in her eyes she is the only one needing attention...

YABU to expect her to help with your kids and moan if she doesn’t. They aren’t her responsibility. She doesn’t have to whether she has an excuse or not.

Plus why doesn’t she have kids? Maybe they’ve tried and not been able to do she doesn’t want to be around your kids in a ‘mother’ stand in role.

You are just different people, she’s in her bubble but you are in yours too.

This MN OP where you must never ever ask family for help with your children, even if you have helped with other things for family. In RL people ask family for help with their DC all the time. Your DS is self absorbed and cannot comprehend anything beyond her own little world.I would pull back and ignore her. Don't ask her for help and be polite and a bit aloof when telling her you are not available to do whatever she his asking.

This sounds like a family member of mine; difficult and prickly but no one wants to challenge her. She once rang me on a Monday morning at 11am and wondered why l was at work . It’s interesting your sister being so dismissive about working from home. Feel free to challenge her, no one seems to want to challenge my difficult family member and their is push back when l do. But lm not into pussy footing around other people’s rude and self absorbed behaviour

Your sister is under no obligation to assist with child care. But on the flip side she can’t be getting job application help at the drop of a hat, if she’s not willing to help you in return

@TheWildOnesNeverDie

YABU to expect her to help with your kids and moan if she doesn’t. They aren’t her responsibility. She doesn’t have to whether she has an excuse or not.

Plus why doesn’t she have kids? Maybe they’ve tried and not been able to do she doesn’t want to be around your kids in a ‘mother’ stand in role.

You are just different people, she’s in her bubble but you are in yours too.

I don't "expect her to help with kids" but really... do you not think asking a relative to watch your daughter for an hour is okay? This isn't about a lifestyle choice that she's made (which it is) to not have children, it's just about helping people out.

I walked my neighbour's dog yesterday lunchtime for them as they were out for the day. I didn't lecture them with "well you decided to get a dog".

I appreciate that some people without children feel like they're sometimes assumed childminders etc but I think we all need to be mindful that there's a difference between a hour's favour and asking for daily/weekly childcare. Don't take it out of proportion. There's just basic human decency and helping people out.

@Apolloanddaphne

This MN OP where you must never ever ask family for help with your children, even if you have helped with other things for family. In RL people ask family for help with their DC all the time. Your DS is self absorbed and cannot comprehend anything beyond her own little world.I would pull back and ignore her. Don't ask her for help and be polite and a bit aloof when telling her you are not available to do whatever she his asking.

Yes! This! It's as though you can ask people/relatives for a hand putting a chest of drawers together but not to do anything small with children (if they don't have any!)

Note to self... if anyone asks me to help them out a chest of drawers together, I'll just say, "Well you made the decision to buy them so you need to work out how to get them in your house and upstairs" FFs lol~!

@EL8888

This sounds like a family member of mine; difficult and prickly but no one wants to challenge her. She once rang me on a Monday morning at 11am and wondered why l was at work . It’s interesting your sister being so dismissive about working from home. Feel free to challenge her, no one seems to want to challenge my difficult family member and their is push back when l do. But lm not into pussy footing around other people’s rude and self absorbed behaviour

Your sister is under no obligation to assist with child care. But on the flip side she can’t be getting job application help at the drop of a hat, if she’s not willing to help you in return

And her husband works from home so you'd think she'd understand what it's like!

And just for clarification, with helping me with my daughter:

It's only ever if I absolutely need it. DH is a policeman so there was an occasion, for example, where his shift ran over and I was coming home from work already. I was worried about missing after school club pick-up so called sister to ask if she'd be able to get daughter for me and watch her for 15-20 minutes. Sister lives a 2-3 minute walk from school.

We're literally talking half an hour to an hour a few times a year. Not, "Can you have daughter every day after school" or "Can you look after her when I'm at work".

Like others are pointing out, there's a difference here

Look it’s clear you dislike her, possibly the feeling is mutual, stop asking her every three months for child care, make an effort to see each other occasionally and leave it there.

Your dad's advice puts it nice and succinctly.

He knows what she's like, he doesn't judge you for your decision - he's detached and carried on with his life.

My sister and I had a good laugh over how my mum has sadface told us both that neither of us had confirmed the dates for our visit next week when both of us know we communicated perfectly clearly.

I'm a big believer in understanding people's strengths and weaknesses, choosing appropriate boundaries on the basis of those, and then just living within those. I don't believe in trying to change people as it never works, and it's not your job anyway.

My friend who is always late - I never organise things with her that depend on punctuality.
My friend who is tight with money - I never put myself in the position of her owing me money.
My friend who is always keen on making catch ups big group outings - I remember to be specific when I want it to be just us.

I enjoy all the positive parts of our relationships and defend myself against the inconveniences.

@PeoniesGinandBags exactly, it’s a national thing work from home at the moment and everyone should know that. Being honest, l think she does know and understand. She’s being rude and dismissive of you

I'm a 'treat people as you would wish to be treated' type but even I have a limit, I've learned now that some people are all take and no give and I no longer do anything for 'takers'.

Your sister is entitled OP and there's little you can do to change that, nor other people's reaction to it. All you can do is take yourself out of the equation, ask for no favours and give none in return and try to stay away from her drama. Don't bite when others tell you she's bitching about you, put the person straight but don't bother confronting her about it, she will find a way to make herself the victim and that's exactly what she wants.

I agree that the family are fanning the flames of her self absorption but you can't change that, only your own response to it. I've had to adopt a 'if you can't change it there's no point worrying about it' attitude of late and I think that sort of applies here, you can't change your sister so all you can do is disengage from the behaviour you find stressful.

Your sister sounds very self absorbed.
I’d probably reduce my contact with her and if she asks why, tell her.

She enjoys the drama.

Don't reply to shitty texts. She will come back when she wants something.

Tell your dad that it's up to him if he wants to listen to her bitch about you but you don't want to know about it if she does.

IME everyone tiptoes around the most difficult person in the room. Because it's easier.

I say call her on it.

Before i had children (which came as a very big surprise to me and everyone who knows me) i never ever babysat, never held babies and rarely talked to children (well, post having my own the only children i really interact with are mine) because i simply don't understand children and am worried in case i do something wrong.

So if my siblings had asked, they would have literally had to be on their deathbed before I'd agree to even watch their child for an hour. So i get where she's coming from there.

The thing is that when someone asks you to do something you have to decide for yourself what your answer is. She says no to watching your DC. You say yes to helping with her CV - but why? Obligation? Because she's your sister? because it really is easy for you and no skin off your nose? because you want to have a nosey at her CV?

I think your dad's right - ignore her. You're one of the enablers too, so break out of it and find some other way of getting emergency childcare.

As a working parent during the pandemic I’ve had to focus on relationships that provide a bit of give and take regarding emotional support and now childcare help. There simply hasn’t been the time or headspace to pander to friends or siblings that just take and offer nothing in return. I would pull back and reduce contact and explain why if she asks. I’ve had to do similar with one of my own siblings. It made for a painful confrontation but actually we’re in a much better place now.

Asking her for help with your kids - fine
Calling her names when she says no - not fine
Telling her no to meeting up when you're working - fine
Her accusing you of not being available for coffee - not fine

It sounds like you don't like each other very much and neither of you is tolerant of each others lifestyle. As your father says - leave each other alone.

Meh - there’s a difference between teaching where roles and boundaries are very clearly defined and taking care of family. My own SIL was a qualified nursery nurse and nanny and I was hoping she’d be a help when our first child was born but out of her professional sphere she actually very nervous around D.C.

As a mother I’ve said to my own adult D.C. that I don’t want to be drawn into their (fairly rare) arguments. They aren’t children anymore, I don’t want to have to take sides in ‘he said, she said’ disputes. It was tedious enough when they were kids. If one of them rings up for a rant about the other I now sit on the fence like your dad did.

Stop enabling her. Do not answer the phone when you are working. Set up an out of hours type text saying ‘I’m working right now. I will call you back when I am free’ and use it, not just for her but for anyone who doesn’t understand the ‘working’ part of WFH. Adjust your expectations - you know she is self-centred. Don’t set yourself up to fail by expecting her to suddenly change.

Ignore her whining. If your dad tries to tell you her bitchy comments tell him you aren't interested in hearing it thanks. When she approaches you for anything only agree if you are certain that you want to and that you have the time. Again if she whines about your decision ignore and turn phone off if necessary.
Basically treat her like the sulky demanding child that she is.

I was worried about missing after school club pick-up so called sister to ask if she'd be able to get daughter for me

Would the after school club have let an unknown person waltz in and collect your child though? I know when my daughter was in after school clubs they would definitely have not released her to someone that wasn't on the list. This was 20 years ago. If I had to add someone new to the list they needed 24 hours notice. So maybe it's not your sister being awkward it's her maybe knowing the rules.

The childcare thing...well that's up to her really. I used to babysit for relatives before having dc. Less so now. But, maybe that's because I was always planning to have dcs and I like children. Maybe she doesn't.

Also, the socialising just with her DH thing is up to her. She can live in that 'bubble' if she wishes. It wouldn't be for me but you know.

But, she can't then demand you spend more time with her. She's made her bed (bubble) and now she has to lie (live) in it!

I don't see much of my family or DH's family FWIW, but I do things with friends, neighbours, school parents etc, without DH and he does too. I can understand when people say they don't want too much to do with their extended family tbh, because experience has taught me that is sometimes wise! But you can't then change your tune and take the hump if family don't want to make the effort to see you either.

Your sister sounds selfish and self-absorbed, only interested in what everyone can do for her.

Stop doing things for her.