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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my stepkids' mum this isnt acceptable?

83 replies

Carrie90 · 31/07/2020 08:41

I have two step kids (11 & 8) who come to stay on the weekends. We have been having them over as long as my DH and I have lived together so 5 years, and in that time I've noticed a huge change in them. Their mum seems to let them stay on technology most of everyday and they have started speaking and acting like youtubers. They often talk to me as if they are talking to a camera and say a lot of American phrases in place of things they used to say. I believe they do go on walks most days but while they are in the house its technology for hours and hours each day. We have actual tears and tantrums here when we tell the kids to do something else for a few hours.
My question is, should I ask my partner to say something about this to their mum? Or is this considered normal amd im just being an old square? I like their mum, my partner has a good enough relationship with her too.

OP posts:

Ilovecranberries · 31/07/2020 08:46

Did she have to work during the lockdown with very little other options to entertain the children?

Shoxfordian · 31/07/2020 08:47

What does your partner think about it? It's really his decision to say something or not

dontdisturbmenow · 31/07/2020 08:48

Kids go through phases, it's part of the era that grow up in and normal. I removed when my DD went through the phase of talking like this American girl popular on TV at some point. It sounded full of attitude, I hated it, but it was just part of her generation just like I must have done similar at her age and annoyed my mum.

They might spend too much time on but just like the vast majority of kids their age especially right now. Its not for you to contact to what inevitably will be taken as telling her off over something she probably feels a bit guilty about in the first place.

Stay out and try to encourage other activities when they are with you if you are so concerned.

RedPanda2 · 31/07/2020 08:48

What does their father say?

ispepsiokay · 31/07/2020 08:49

Personally I think that whatever it takes to survive right now is the way forward. You can set rules in your own home but what their mum chooses to implement in her home (bar harming the children) is none of your business.

brownchairs · 31/07/2020 08:51

My dc speaks with an American accent due to watching YouTube videos. I am very restrictive about screen time so despite that she's still doing this. I was really annoyed until I spoke to other mums and found out all the other dc do it as well.
My dd isn't allowed screens Monday to Friday unless for school work! I would be careful you're not being a bit naive. Also I think it's for your dp to say something not you,

LolaSmiles · 31/07/2020 08:53

The speaking like YouTubers is a phase and unless they are being rude then you need to let it go.

The tantrums are a different matter and your DH should really be actively parenting when they're with you, and discussing his children's behaviour with their mum because it's not acceptable for pre teens to be having tantrums to get their own way. Allowing them to have a strop and dictate the day is only going to create bigger issues when they're teens.

Your DH should be dealing with it in terms of their behaviour though.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 31/07/2020 08:53

Not worth saying something at all. Commenting in parenting choices/styles isnt likely to produce the result you are after. Undoubtedly they will be things she puts up with that you do, you're opening an conversation that has a high likelihood of going downhill very quickly.

Your rules your house her rules hers.

Shinygreenelephant · 31/07/2020 08:54

My SD is exactly the same, she’s refusing to come round at the moment because we have a 3 hr phone time limit per day (which I think is already a LOT - she’s 8) and don’t have consoles. She doesn’t talk about anything but fortnite and you tubers and also parrots a lot of American phrases and says “hashtag whatever” and things like that constantly.

However as a step mum I very strongly suggest you keep out of it - no matter how you approach it it will not be well received. Just stick to your rules in your house and leave their mum to hers. You have no real idea of the mums situation - she could be struggling with them, she could be wfh and need the peace technology brings or maybe they’re not using tech as much as you think and are trying it on at yours. Just leave it to their parents to deal with.

grissomsbugs · 31/07/2020 08:55

Don't get involved with speaking to your partners ex about parenting. Let him do it, it will only end in tears and arguments otherwise.

custardbear · 31/07/2020 08:55

It's not really your business to be honest - let your husband sort it with his ex - not that anything needs sorting, this is pretty normal. I used to behave like Marmalade Atkins as a kid - and I had that once a week - it's just the way of the world

EsmeeMerlin · 31/07/2020 08:55

It has been lockdown, most children up and down the country have been spending more time on screens. A lot of kids also pick up phases from shows they watch. If your partner wants to get them off screens when they are with you, then he can but you can’t dictate screen rules when they are with their mum.

Dragonsanddinosaurs · 31/07/2020 09:00

You could always offer to have the DC for some extra days if you want to minimise their screen time? I wouldn't say anything, as a PP mentioned due to Covid, DC are spending more time on screens as there has been little else to do. I know that is the case in our house. I don't like it, but for now it is the way it is, and I am hoping when school starts again in September I will be able to get on top of it again.

Grapesoda7 · 31/07/2020 09:01

I think it's a normal thing given their ages.

Apart from young children, kids don't watch TV like we used to, it's all YouTube.
It's quite normal to mimic or go on about certain Youtubers even if it's a bit irritating for the adults.

I think all children's behaviour/ mood has gone down hill a bit during lockdown.

All the activities they usually can do has stopped swimming, brownies, football etc, screen time is bound to increase.

I wouldnt be concerned and definatly wouldn't bring it up, it won't go down well.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 31/07/2020 09:03

Keep out of it. My DS has a stepmum and I really wouldn't be happy if she started telling me how to parent, even though I get on well with her.

Codexdivinchi · 31/07/2020 09:04

Keep your nose out of this one

Quartz2208 · 31/07/2020 09:06

Is this a lockdown thing where she has been trying to work?

And if it is why have you been having the weekends and she gets the work time

Branleuse · 31/07/2020 09:07

its how kids are these days. Its hard to watch some stuff when we arethe last generation that will remember a timebefore the internet, but those kids are prime age for this.

Techway · 31/07/2020 09:07

Dc's routines have been disrupted so I would not judge their behaviour by the last few months.

Also focus on the positives it will help to reduce your frustration.

Grapesoda7 · 31/07/2020 09:07

I forgot to say, you say that you've seen a huge change in them over the last 5 years, of course you will.

They won't stay the same from 3 and 6 until 8 and 11.

Kids change and develop so much in a short space of time. The 11 year old will be about to start senior school and the eight year old will have spent all their time during lockdown with an older sibling rather than their peers.

This definatly has an influence on them getting into older stuff rather than an eight year old who has younger siblings or is an only child.

vikingwife · 31/07/2020 09:07

As a childfree person who has been in a step parent role - disengage. They’re not your circus, not your monkeys. Just be kind to them but understand it’s ok to not necessarily like or agree with parenting decisions.

I know it’s so hard when you’re watching two parents make mistakes & not setting good examples. The screen time & speak would annoy me too - but ultimately it says more about your partner if they don’t see a problem than it does about the kids themselves.

If you didn’t think this was a problem would it have occurred to either parent?

I don’t have much of a solution for you, just encourage other things which mean putting the screens down of their own accord.

Mywifeandkids1 · 31/07/2020 09:07

Definitely stay out of it. It’s not only not your place but it’s also not the end of the world. Your rules at your house, her rules at hers. Unless the kids are in danger in any way you don’t get involved.

Infullbloom · 31/07/2020 09:10

Of course they've changed, children tend to as they grow up! How she chooses to parent when the children are in her care is entirely upto her. What you're describing is pretty normal for their age group ime.

LemonyFace · 31/07/2020 09:12

@ispepsiokay

My thoughts exactly - whatever it takes to survive at the moment. I've two teenagers, so older than your stepDC and some days they are on screens all day, I am not happy about it but I am working full time in a very demanding job and it's a case of needs must.

Coldspringharbour · 31/07/2020 09:13

I think everything at the moment is completely out of context because of lockdown. It may well be that their mum has done what she can to keep them occupied and if that’s hours on a tablet then so be it. I think especially given that you get on with her, I would be careful of sounding critical of her. At least she does get them out for a walk each day. Most parents are trying their best in very difficult and unusual circumstances. Every credit to anyone with young kids to have got through lockdown.

In relation to Americanisms they are an absolute pain in the neck aren’t they. I hate them, but it’s not just your step kids. My daughter is in her twenties and will go in a shop and say “can I get........” instead of can I have.

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