To tell my stepkids' mum this isnt acceptable?

[Carrie90]

I have two step kids (11 & 8) who come to stay on the weekends. We have been having them over as long as my DH and I have lived together so 5 years, and in that time I've noticed a huge change in them. Their mum seems to let them stay on technology most of everyday and they have started speaking and acting like youtubers. They often talk to me as if they are talking to a camera and say a lot of American phrases in place of things they used to say. I believe they do go on walks most days but while they are in the house its technology for hours and hours each day. We have actual tears and tantrums here when we tell the kids to do something else for a few hours.
My question is, should I ask my partner to say something about this to their mum? Or is this considered normal amd im just being an old square? I like their mum, my partner has a good enough relationship with her too.

"she’s refusing to come round at the moment because we have a 3 hr phone time limit per day (which I think is already a LOT - she’s 8) and don’t have consoles. She doesn’t talk about anything but fortnite and you tubers and also parrots a lot of American phrases and says “hashtag whatever”"

Wow, 8 years old? If I were her parent I would not be letting her dictate that!

Watch some with them. Then get them to make some videos.

My kids are the same watch all those rubbish youtube videos they can access them on our tv so not on tablets. Drives me mad we have disney channel and netflix but they still watch crap. I limit how much they can watch but when they aren't watching it they are playacting at making their own videos, as I kid I sued to play at making my won music videos so I guess it is similar .

I wouldn't be inclined to say anything to their mum that is your partners role as a co-parent but you do have a right to have your own rules around screens when they are in your house. Maybe agree them with your partner and sit down and communicate/ negotiate them with the kids

Firstly, who exactly has told you they're on screens all day? Don't believe everything kids tell you when they say 'my mum let's me...'

Secondly, you have them only 2 days of the week so she had it harder than you.

Thirdly, you would be insane to risk ruining a healthy co-parenting relationship over something like this.

I also don't get why it's so bad that kids copy accents and ways of speaking? Mine do it. They're never rude or disrespectful. It seems entirely natural that they want to play with language. I remember doing it myself at that age. My 10 year old loves saying 'y'all' and it just makes me laugh more than anything.

It's all normal. Laughing at the Americanisms. Both my ds's play x box endlessly. As well as watching tonnes of films, finished all school work, going on 10 mile runs, laying in the paddling pool for hours, playing football, endless hours doing football Keepie uppie's, boxing etc. Meeting mates.

Sometimes They don't wanna do anything with us and just wanna lounge in their beds. I think that's the norm.

I don't have a problem with it.

Kids were ever thus. One of mine was Buffy for about three years (pre internet generation). I was a character from a book (wanted to change my name, spent all day outside with imaginary ponies when I was small).

Buckle up, OP. They will probably be quite 'difficult' from now until they are in their early twenties, whereupon they will emerge as delightful people. And let your DP sort it out, however much you may dislike it, it's between him and his ex.

It's a really, really bad idea to criticise their mum's parenting of her own children at any time. In the middle of a pandemic when we're all just muddling through, it's pretty much unthinkable. All you'll do is cause tension and upset which won't help anybody.

We have actual tears and tantrums here when we tell the kids to do something else for a few hours.

This makes it sound as if you're taking their devices away then just sort of shooing them away to find something else to do. If they're used to technology being on during their down time then rightly or wrongly they won't have that skill.

Try to wean them off technology at your house by giving them a bit of structure EG help me cook lunch then you can have half an hour after lunch. Suggest activities and do activities with them to distract them from technology rather than just taking it away.

And yes I agree with pp the talking like a YouTuber is annoying, but normal.

Think of this the other way around. Would you like it if their mum told you what the children could do in your house? I guess not. She would be called controlling and told to keep her nose out by most. She has no right to tell your husband how to bring up his children in his house, just like he (and you) have no right to dictate what she does in her house. (Of course, in some households there are exceptional circumstances that need addressed, especially abusive situations, but not necessarily here.)

Also, what is seen as wrong to one person might not been seen as wrong to another, who are you to decide on her behalf that what she is doing is wrong?

8 year old says:

"hashtag whatever”

Yeah. So do I! And I'm late 40's.

You gotta lighten up. Learn the lingo!

(I only say this at home, to the ds's. Not in RL)

This is none of your concern OP, if any parenting issues need to be addressed, it's your partners problem not yours.

Yikes, I was expecting something really awful from the 'not acceptable' phrase in the heading.

No offence OP, but it's a very prim-sounding attitude about something very harmless as a phase.

Oh do be serious. What on earth do you think preteens are going to do with their time at the moment? We are all doing what we need to do at the moment to get by. If my ex's partner criticised my parenting she would be told in no uncertain terms where to get off. And I would probably say 'fuck it, have them full time then if you can do a better job'. Be careful what you wish for is all I can say.

I spoke in an American accent on and off from when I was 13 to 15 and that was back in the early 1990's, so that's nothing new. All the shows and films I watched were American so I was just trying to be cool 🤣🤣

I've been both sides the SM and my kids have a SM. Sorry but your partner is a weekend dad, usually doing all the fun stuff while his ex is doing the hard work. If you say anything you will look ridiculous and holier than thou. It's not ideal for a lot of parents trying to parent and work during a global pandemic, and for the weekend parent to say how you're doing everything wrong is really not reading the room right now

I think most kids have had more screen time than would usually be ideal over the last six months. Because of a lack of alternatives and because parents needed to work without childcare.

Five years ago they were 3 and 6, I would think most 8 and 11 year olds have more screen time than they did ages 3 and 6, even without a pandemic.

Many kids develop fixations on things which are boring to adults, whether a tv show, computer game, YouTuber or even a book series (would it be more acceptable to you if they only ever talked about the Famous Five?).

But you absolutely cannot speak to their mum about how you think she’s parenting wrong!

The American thing does sound annoying but that's just what kids do, they mimic things they hear. I used to go round talking in a Scouse accent when I was a kid after I listened to a story tape with a Scouse character on it.

First of all - don’t ever tell another adult how to parent their child.

It’s a pretty normal phase. My youngest did the same and that was nearly 20 years ago when there were no tablets or YouTube. she just picked up many, many annoying phrases and mannerisms from Mary Kate and Ashley movies and Nickelodeon. She drove me mad referring to sidewalks and trash cans despite never having set fit in America. It passed.

It could be so much worse. My Irish BF lives in Italy with her English husband. Their youngest daughter was born in Italy, speaks English at home, Italian at school and is fully bilingual. One day I asked why her spoken English has such an unusual accent, unlike either of the parents - apparently watching a DVD of Rastamouse on repeat has given her already hybrid accent an extra level of faux-Jamaican!

Not ideal, but it's really none of your business. If your husband has a problem with it it is up to him to discuss with the children's mother, not you.

Thank you all for the perspectives! I am alone with the kids all weekend most weekends because DH is currently trying at work to get weekends off or find a job with weekends off (he's a chef so its proving difficult) the kids mum let's us have them weekends as that is when she works and likes to go out in the evenings, plus to to keep them in the habit of only seeing us weekends for when they go back to school. We take a lot of pointers from her right down to where she wants their school clothes bought etc so I wasn't sure if I could maybe gently bring it up with DH to see if he'd want to discuss it with her (had no intention of saying to her myself)
I have a 12 year old who is obsessed with books and seeing friends, plus drama club etc so I wasn't really sure of how normal it is to be on screens a lot, I did think maybe I was just being a bit old fashioned and not with the times. Now feeling a bit guilty as I wasn't meaning to be judgy

We have all kinds of annoying expressions here bruh and 'bruh moment' being a current favourite. But YEET annoyed me more.

Tbh I think it’s a new phenomenon for children and while I don’t agree with them being on it all hours of the day I wouldn’t blame their mum they’re probably doing what all their mates do. I am 35 and my kids only a toddler so I don’t understand any of it 😂 but I know when I was little my grandparents didn’t even like me watching an hour of Saturday morning TV. It’s just older people catching up with what youngsters like to do.

When they are with you, your partner with your support should ensure they can't spend too much time watching YouTube. When they are with their mum she can parent them how she sees fit.

You wouldn't like their mum commenting on your partner's parenting style so don't make comments on hers. This is not a battle you will win it will just cause needless friction.

All you can do is to enforce what you think is right in your own house. There's no reason why you and your dh can't give the kids an agreed time slot for tech time. Try to organise or suggest other things for them to do instead, they may have lost the ability to do that for themselves. Ignore tantrums and tears they will soon get over it!

Watching American videos on YouTube is fine. It’s enjoyable and normal. My kids do it and still do schoolwork/exercise. Sometimes I watch the videos with them. My kids watch the videos together in the lounge, rather than being shut up in their rooms on headphones. Yes, they also mimic what they’ve heard. It’s funny.

If you provide something more interesting to do they will do that.