For telling dp I'm fed up?

RavenClaw180 · 2020-07-30T19:31:55+00:00

I told dp tonight I was fed up of raising our children on my own. His attitude has always been that as he works, its my job to do the day to day parenting. All day today our eldest has been a disrespectful stroppy brat (he's 13) and dp just stood there and did nothing when he told me to eff off earlier. I was so frustrated by it all, dp asked me what was wrong and I just went off on a rant how I was fed up with being an only parent, the only one who disciplines, the only one doing all the work. I only got that far before he stormed off, slamming the door behind him (much like how the 13yr old had). Was I unreasonable? Could I have handled it better?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 30/07/2020 21:04

Did you both agree he would work and youd be the stay at home parent? If he works outside the home then I would think in working hours it is your 'job' to be the day to day parent, and unfortunately your children will then get used to being the main parent.

However outside working hours you're both parents, it's not fair for you to work in a role 24/7 and him just 9-5. And you should back each other up on discipline etc. Instead of having a go at him, have you told him what youd like him to do?

Original poster

RavenClaw180 · 30/07/2020 21:05

Does anyone have any advice on how I can handle the situation better?

OP posts:

Notenoughchocolateomg · 30/07/2020 21:06

Well he sounds like an irritating man child. No way would I tolerate my husband not standing by me defending me whilst my child swore at me. That says it all OP, sorry.

Bitchinkitchen · 30/07/2020 21:09

Ranting and shouting literally never gets someone on your side. Even if he agrees that he should be doing more, you yelling at him will have instantly got his back up (and fair enough tbh) and so he will be defensive and not receptive at all.

It's never OK to rant and shout and storm off - I'm not surprised your 13yr old is a brat if this is the example you set!

Original poster

RavenClaw180 · 30/07/2020 21:09

In the past when I've asked him to discipline, he's just yelled at them, or given them the silent treatment. When I ask him anything eg how should we deal with bad behaviour, he just shrugs and says "I don't know".
We both work, but my job is part time and at night - he refuses to look after the kids so I can only work night shifts. He says he works hard all week, he shouldn't have to give up his weekends. Or he will pick up extra work so he is not available to help. I'm so tired of it all.

OP posts:

Original poster

RavenClaw180 · 30/07/2020 21:11

I didn't shout at him, nor did I storm off. I just said I was fed up with doing it on my own, he was the one who stormed off as I was trying to speak.

OP posts:

Bitchinkitchen · 30/07/2020 21:15

@RavenClaw180

I didn't shout at him, nor did I storm off. I just said I was fed up with doing it on my own, he was the one who stormed off as I was trying to speak.

Yeah i meant you both setting the poor example - in your OP you said you "went off on a rant" which rarely includes calm, reasonable, polite discourse IMO.

If you want someone to listen to you and respect what you say, you need to be respectful.

Rosebel · 30/07/2020 21:24

I doubt I'd be too respectful if my husband just stood there while our teenager was swearing at me. Why on earth didn't he back you up?
It's pretty obvious your 13 year old has learned his behaviour from his dad. I'm struggling to understand why you're with a man who expects you to do everything at home and is too lazy to look after his children.
The only thing you should be considering is why you're with him. Sounds like you're basically a single mum anyway.

Winterwoollies · 30/07/2020 21:26

Sorry, you work night shifts because he refuses to look after the kids? So you look after the kids all day and then work all night?!

Your other half is a grade-A prick. I’m sorry.

pjmask · 30/07/2020 21:29

@Bitchinkitchen you seriously think that after the ops DH stood and said nothing while THEIR teenage son swore at her, it is she who is at fault for not asking him more "politely, calmly and respectfully" to support her.

There is nothing wrong with going off on a rant when you're seriously pissed off! It shows children adults are human too. The important thing is how adults come to a resolution when they disagree, and demonstrating this too.

Kinkybutkind · 30/07/2020 21:30

@RavenClaw180

Does anyone have any advice on how I can handle the situation better?

13 is a difficult, hormone charged time to navigate even when you are both on the same page. I’d think about what your DP contributes to your life, your home, your family and I’d seriously consider if life wouldn’t be easier without him...

Bitchinkitchen · 30/07/2020 21:32

[quote pjmask]@Bitchinkitchen you seriously think that after the ops DH stood and said nothing while THEIR teenage son swore at her, it is she who is at fault for not asking him more "politely, calmly and respectfully" to support her.

There is nothing wrong with going off on a rant when you're seriously pissed off! It shows children adults are human too. The important thing is how adults come to a resolution when they disagree, and demonstrating this too.

[/quote]
She asked how she could handle the situation better - i suggested that being calm and respectful would be a better way to get her husband to listen to her than ranting. Having a yell might be cathartic but it doesnt exactly set you up to get a sympathetic, agreeable response, does it?

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 30/07/2020 21:45

YANBU .

However it might be too little ,too late.

By the sounds of it your husband doesn't respect you , and your son is following in his footsteps.

Unless your husband has a complete personality transplant and you present an united,supportive front, things are only going to get worse.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 30/07/2020 21:47

Having a yell might be cathartic but it doesnt exactly set you up to get a sympathetic, agreeable response, does it?

Do you seriously believe that a husband that won't look after his kids, thus forcing his wife to work nights is ever going to give a sympathetic,agreeable response?

Leaannb · 30/07/2020 21:49

Bin the partner. You are already parenting by yourself why do you need him for

Feedingthebirds1 · 30/07/2020 21:49

In the past when I've asked him to discipline, he's just yelled at them, or given them the silent treatment. When I ask him anything eg how should we deal with bad behaviour, he just shrugs and says "I don't know".
We both work, but my job is part time and at night - he refuses to look after the kids so I can only work night shifts. He says he works hard all week, he shouldn't have to give up his weekends. Or he will pick up extra work so he is not available to help. I'm so tired of it all.

OP you have far bigger problems than what's happened today, and whether you should, or shouldn't, or how you should, say anything to him. You work hard all week - and not just Monday to Friday, 9.00 - 5.00.

What good things does he bring to your life? Are there any good times? Does he ever do his own washing, or any cooking? (I suspect I can answer that one for you.) Is he basically just there for a cushy life and sex on tap? That's no way for you to live. But sadly I don't think he will change. So maybe you need to consider your next steps. Don't waste your life being his handmaid.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2020 21:50

Your husband doesn't respect you and shows it, so your children won't either.

You would be much happier single.

Ohtherewearethen · 30/07/2020 21:57

If you leave him he'll have to give up his weekends to look after his kids. I really can't believe you have to work nights in top of looking after your children because he's such a shit dad and husband. Honestly, you're better off without him. At least you'd get some rest on the weekends he has the children.

MummyLaLa88 · 30/07/2020 21:58

Hey OP - this does sound frustrating! What I do with hubby is I actually walk away (usually in a huff and slamming a door) when I am sooo pissed off. It means that I calm down and then I approach him later and speak calmly so we can have a conversation.

Original poster

RavenClaw180 · 30/07/2020 22:03

I know its not ideal. In fairness to him, he has worked very hard to get us to where we are now. He just refuses to parent or engage in family life. All of our children do sports, so weekends are a mad rush for me trying to get them to all their games. He never attends any, his sole contribution at weekends is drinking his way through a bottle of wine while watching a movie with the kids. He won't watch kids movies either, its always shit like Austin powers or some other juvenile comedy.

I just can't get him to talk and I don't know what to do. Leave? How? I earn far less than him, not even enough to afford my own place. I'm very tempted to go away for the weekend with the younger children, leave him and ds13 to it. They'd probably love it.

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TwentyViginti · 30/07/2020 22:08

What is the point of having this gormless man around? You are a single parent.

BurtsBeesKnees · 30/07/2020 22:14

know its not ideal. In fairness to him, he has worked very hard to get us to where we are now

I worked very hard to get me and my family to where we are and I still manage to bring my dc up, parent them, run around like a loon on an evening AND weekend to take them to gymnastics, trampolining, dance, horse riding and their friends. Plus I'd discipline them if they told their df to fuck off!

Stop making excuses for him. He's being lazy and disrespectful to you, he's also not being a parent. I'm struggling to see what you get out of the relationship. He sounds like another child you have to bring up. The only difference is he beings in a bit of money and can probably put his own pants on

Original poster

RavenClaw180 · 30/07/2020 22:22

To be honest, my biggest concern is ds13. He's normally a reasonable kid, but he's shot up over lock down and is taller than me and is starting to throw his weight around. I realise dp is a lost cause, but how do I get ds13 to be more respectful? Example of him being disrespectful : after football training last week he refused to take his muddy boots off and just got straight in the car. Telling him to get out and take his boots off, he just ignored me. I can't physically remove him, can't confiscate anything, what can I do to get him to be respectful?

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Bitchinkitchen · 30/07/2020 22:26

Why can't you confiscate things?

Tappering · 30/07/2020 22:27

Refuse to start the car until he takes them off. Every time you give in, it reinforces to him that he just has to dig his heels in and you'll cave.