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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For telling dp I'm fed up?

59 replies

RavenClaw180 · 30/07/2020 20:31

I told dp tonight I was fed up of raising our children on my own. His attitude has always been that as he works, its my job to do the day to day parenting. All day today our eldest has been a disrespectful stroppy brat (he's 13) and dp just stood there and did nothing when he told me to eff off earlier. I was so frustrated by it all, dp asked me what was wrong and I just went off on a rant how I was fed up with being an only parent, the only one who disciplines, the only one doing all the work. I only got that far before he stormed off, slamming the door behind him (much like how the 13yr old had).

Was I unreasonable? Could I have handled it better?

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 30/07/2020 22:27

I realise dp is a lost cause, but how do I get ds13 to be more respectful?

You can't - because he's taking his cue from DP. He's seeing his dad treat you like a skivvy who deserves no respect, and he's absorbing that attitude and copying it.

Original poster
RavenClaw180 · 30/07/2020 22:28

Dp just gives them straight back.

OP posts:
Tappering · 30/07/2020 22:28

And yes, why can't you confiscate things?

Tappering · 30/07/2020 22:29

Cross post.

Sounds like the root of this is your 'D'P. Your son is seeing that your partner treats you disrespectfully and ignores your requests, so he is acting the same way.

Sounds like you need to leave. Check if you'd be entitled to benefits, plus your partner would be liable for child maintenance.

Bitchinkitchen · 30/07/2020 22:33

You need a divorce! Half of all the assets are legally yours, so it's likely you won't be nearly as badly off as you think you are, and he'll need to pay child maintenance.

Original poster
RavenClaw180 · 30/07/2020 22:34

I don't think I'm entitled to benefits, I earn just over the threshold. But leaving today is not doable, I have to stay a bit longer so I can manage financially. How can I manage do and ds during this time? Is it petty of me to refuse to do their washing? Dp goes to work every morning and leaves his bedroom in a state, its up to me to go in and pick his dirty washing up off the floor and make his bed, tidy up so its nice for him when he comes home. I think I'll leave it for him tomorrow.

But as for ds, he's still a child, should I be treating him the same?

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 30/07/2020 22:34

If dp gives them back hide them ot chnage codes. I have an app and I can turn wifi off on phone. If ds wont take his boots off then I wouldn't be driving him to next training practise

ShebaShimmyShake · 30/07/2020 22:38

When do you sleep? What's the point of your partner? And your teenager won't change if his father is acting that way.

Rosebel · 30/07/2020 22:38

After reading your updates you need to leave. He's an absolutely shit parent and partner.
I'm not sure how old your other children are but do you really want them to start copying their dad and brother? Also if you left you might be able to get a job with more hours and he'd have to pay maintenance.
Unfortunately your partner is the problem. Remove him and perhaps your child will stop copying him.

Tappering · 30/07/2020 22:39

Definitely stop running around after your partner.

In relation to your DS, ground rules. No washing done unless it's in the basket - and if that means going to football in muddy and dirty kit, then so be it. He'll learn. And if your partner has something to say about it, then tell him he knows where the washing machine is - and that this is the consequence of him refusing to engage in parenting or back you up.

Casmama · 30/07/2020 22:39

It sounds like your dp might be a lost cause but I agree with PP that you dont drive anywhere till your ds takes off his boots as you have asked him to do so and you tell him if he messes about you wont be bringing him next week.
Changing the wifi password or confiscating electronics would also be useful.
Don't let your son walk all over you the way your dp appears to.

colliesheltie · 30/07/2020 22:40

Example of him being disrespectful : after football training last week he refused to take his muddy boots off and just got straight in the car. Telling him to get out and take his boots off, he just ignored me. I can't physically remove him, can't confiscate anything, what can I do to get him to be respectful?

Easy. You drive off and let him walk or find his own way home. A nice long walk will help him think about his behavior. Then when he arrives home you inform him that you’ll do that every time he disrespects you from now on. Tell him to call his father for a lift maybe.

BurtsBeesKnees · 30/07/2020 22:45

If your ds won't take his boots off. Then tell him you won't give him a lift to football until he cleans your car out. If he doesn't clean the car out, don't take him to football. If your dh just gives back the confiscates items you have to box a bit clever, hence the cleaning the car, or your dh can take him to football.

I would continue to do the washing for your ds etc. But I'd not bother with your dh. He can sort himself out. Your his wife, not his maid

Tistheseason17 · 30/07/2020 22:55

Sounds like hell, OP. Flowers

You do need to stand your ground, though. Dont unlock the car for your DS to get into with muddy boots. Wait until they're off first. If he won't remove them,get in the car and leave him there. Change wifi code. Confiscate but dont tell DH the location so he can't return stuff. He's undermining you and fanning the flames of your DS behaviour.

Flatpackback · 30/07/2020 23:10

Your DP needs to grow up. I may moan about my DH and frequently do but he has had my back throughout. When either of our DC said something inappropriate to me, which was rare, his response was “nobody speaks to my wife like that ever”. He let them know it was totally out of line and wouldn’t be tolerated. The was no shouting,, swearing or argument about it. This is what you need for a partner. Regarding the incident with the boots, I would not be taking him to football again until I got an apology. try some adult conversations about relationships and respecting people, doing things for others because you love them and care for them, the need to put others before yourself sometimes and how hurtful comments/swearing/inappropriate language can be and the damaging effects it can have on people. He needs to understand these things so he doesn’t grow up like your DP but into the best person he can be.

Original poster
RavenClaw180 · 30/07/2020 23:31

I only work 2 nights a week, I sleep for 2 hours when I get home, the dc are fine to play/read in the same room as me, then I get up and get on with the day
I often fall asleep on the couch for an hour, about 4pm, but only once I've got dinner and and all the laundry sorted. The dc are all very well behaved during these times, they know if they want to do activities then I need to be able to work to pay for it, and I need to be able to sleep. Dp resents me working though, says he can't sleep when I'm not there, so that adds extra stress to the situation.

Have had a chat with ds, he has apologized, said "i was being childish, i know", so he has some insight to his behaviour and knows his dads approach isn't the best. So thats something I guess.

OP posts:
ilovebagpuss · 30/07/2020 23:37

I’m afraid your DH won’t pick up the slack now if your eldest is 13. There is no way he will suddenly get stuck in and co parent with you after years of just letting you get on with it. He can’t be arsed.
What you need to decide is if it’s worth staying with him for the financial security or if you would be happier on your own where at least he will support the children financially and you can let him have them all to himself On the days he will have them.
It’s not just the not backing you up regarding discipline he’s just living a comfortable life while you are 50’s housewife keeping it all sweet for his precious downtime.

Catsup · 30/07/2020 23:48

Your DP wants an easy life where you pick up all the slack, and he tootles off to work (where I'm sure he manages to not sulk or strop with his employer). It sounds like he can't be arsed to parent, especially if he has to play bad cop. And I'd imagine your two nights at work play havoc with his big plans for doing fuck all.

nightroadworkskeepingmeup · 31/07/2020 01:52

Just get rid of him. He's not going to change. He sounds like an idiot tbh.

blubellsarebells · 31/07/2020 02:19

Dear god your husband sounds like a prick, sorry.
Stop picking up after him, anything not in the basket doesnt get washed, same for your son, you're not a slave and thats not an ok way to behave even if you didnt go out to work.
Your son is unfortunately following his dads example.
My sons dad would never stand and let our son speak to me in a disrespectful way, we broke up 10 years ago and he's got his faults but im sure he would never allow that.
Same goes in reverse and because hes soft my son will push his luck with his Dad and ive stepped in a couple of times to say not acceptable.
Im not sure what to suggest other than make plans to leave, you're doing it all anyway and he doesnt respect you.
How old are your younger children?

vikingwife · 31/07/2020 02:37

So he not only won’t help discipline, he will actually undermine you by giving items back you’ve confiscated? No wonder your son is telling you to F off, his father has zero respect for you.

Also note he doesn’t like you working out of the home ie having independence & not being subservient staying at home

I know you say you can’t leave now, but I would seek legal advice & find out exactly what you would get in a divorce, then make plans to leave. I would then take the two smaller children & tell the son to go live with his father as he can’t keep a civil tongue in his head.

In the meantime I would stop being a maid & only do washing if it’s in the hamper

I would be careful to not let on if you are thinking of leaving, as your husband sounds like the spiteful type who would hide money, or make it difficult for you to leave.

This is the kind of thread that makes single / childfree people breathe a sigh of relief.

vikingwife · 31/07/2020 02:40

Just seen you are not married - what is preventing you from leaving ? I would tackle those things. If there are no assets to divide sometimes that can be easier....

Porridgeoat · 31/07/2020 03:15

Just get a job in normal working hours or evenings rather then nights and let him crack on with his version of childcare or non childcare. Be tough, step away so he is forced to step up.

puzzledpiece · 31/07/2020 03:19

Sounds like you are in a partnership with an opted out parent. Sounds to me as though he was never interested in actually being a father. I'd be rethinking a relationship with someone so selfish and detached

Durgasarrow · 31/07/2020 03:53

The only thing thing I can think of if you are seriously looking for help is appealing to his sense of manliness in the sense that now that the children are getting older, they need the kind of manly role model only he can provide. Butter him up a lot and build up his confidence.

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