For telling dp I'm fed up?

[RavenClaw180]

I told dp tonight I was fed up of raising our children on my own. His attitude has always been that as he works, its my job to do the day to day parenting. All day today our eldest has been a disrespectful stroppy brat (he's 13) and dp just stood there and did nothing when he told me to eff off earlier. I was so frustrated by it all, dp asked me what was wrong and I just went off on a rant how I was fed up with being an only parent, the only one who disciplines, the only one doing all the work. I only got that far before he stormed off, slamming the door behind him (much like how the 13yr old had).

Was I unreasonable? Could I have handled it better?

It may not work and it's infuriating but it would probably have a better chance of working than anything else, I am sorry to say.

Oh lordy, it sounds like the chances of DP stepping up are zilch, so if you can't change him, you can only change what you do and say. He is laying down all the terms for how your family operates, you don't have to accept them, set your own and enforce them. Your passivity is permission to treat you like a doormat, and unless you do something they will continue to treat you like a skivvy.

And FFS stop picking up after your husband and son, they are both old enough to do for themselves.

You would have a better life without your husband, I pretty much guarantee it.

@Durgasarrow

The only thing thing I can think of if you are seriously looking for help is appealing to his sense of manliness in the sense that now that the children are getting older, they need the kind of manly role model only he can provide. Butter him up a lot and build up his confidence.

Ugh. No, don't flatter and simper at him for being disengaged, lazy and selfish. If he had any clue what being a man is about, he wouldn't be doing this.

@RavenClaw180

I only work 2 nights a week, I sleep for 2 hours when I get home, the dc are fine to play/read in the same room as me, then I get up and get on with the day I often fall asleep on the couch for an hour, about 4pm, but only once I've got dinner and and all the laundry sorted. The dc are all very well behaved during these times, they know if they want to do activities then I need to be able to work to pay for it, and I need to be able to sleep. Dp resents me working though, says he can't sleep when I'm not there, so that adds extra stress to the situation.

Have had a chat with ds, he has apologized, said "i was being childish, i know", so he has some insight to his behaviour and knows his dads approach isn't the best. So thats something I guess.

You get just two hours of sleep two nights a week?? And your partner complains about his rest and tries to stop you working?

What is the point of him? He only serves to make your life worse.

Getting your 13yo to be more respectful to you with your partner in the house as a male role model is a lost cause, I'm afraid. The fact that he has some insight is to your credit. But your p is providing a living example for him, every day, that women are there to run around after men and take any abuse men see fit to dish out.

I have 15yo and 12yo sons and as I read your OP just imagined how angry my husband would be if either of them dared to tell me to fuck off (tbf they wouldn't dare). Your p's silence is pretty much directly telling your son, 'treat her how you want, and any other woman too'.

Your younger children, male and female, will be watching and learning too.

I do think legal advice would be a smart move. If you left, he would certainly have to pay maintenance for the children, at the least. I'd quietly try and get hold of documents proving his financial situation, and take pics/make copies of them, IIWY, as a matter of priority. What might your job options be for working more normal hours?

It's good that your son apologised - it sounds like you can still work with him. I agree with PP it's worth getting smarter, so if your partner gives confiscated items back then don't bother taking them in the first place. Instead, use lifts to football and pocket money as your bargaining chips.

Your partner sounds horrible though and I really think you should make plans to leave. The financial situation sounds like the most pressing. Do you have to stay in that area or could you relocate somewhere cheaper? Or could your family help out with childcare so that you could work FT?

You need to stop caring what your DP thinks about you and worry more about what you think of him. Stop doing stuff for DP.

If you want to work during the week, get a job and arrange childcare, your DP doesn't get a say in when you work as he is not part of the team.

Your DS, I would have said, "If you want me to keep bringing you to football and wherever you want to go, take your boots off or I will not be driving you next time" - and follow through with that.

Your DP is not going to back you up, so don't refer to him for input, especially in front of your son. Your leverage is the stuff that you facilitate for your DS and you can make the decision whether or not you carry on.

You need to show your family that it is your choice whether or not you carry on in the role you are in. Your DP especially needs to realise that you can leave at any time, leaving him as the sole parent. Far more terrifying for him than you taking the kids away.

I find it quite sickening that he is so disengaged from the parenting role that he won't even step up when your kid is swearing at you! How can you bear to be around someone as unsupportive and useless as him? LTB.

If you don't want to leave for yourself do it for your children. Think about the example he's setting them.
He allows his son to be disrespectful (although your son sounds more mature than his dad) and he won't parent. Won't watch a children's film, won't take them out, expects you to do everything and doesn't like you working.
I'm waiting to hear what wonderful quality he has, that's stopped you leaving. You need to leave, he probably won't bother to see the children but no great loss there.