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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why does an abuser do this??

94 replies

dublingirl66 · 30/07/2020 19:39

Aibu or is this a common thing
The abuser turning into the victim
Claiming I am now the one who abused him because I sent messages telling he was vile and scum after abusing me for two years ??

:(

I never spoke out
Always stuck up for him and gave him thousands extra for rent
But now I'm the abuser!!!

Please tell me courts can see through this??
Thanks in advance 😢😢

OP posts:
Kungfupanda67 · 30/07/2020 20:50

I work in a domestic abuse service and we have a checklist which is actually surprisingly simple to identify who is an abuser and who was abused. Generally it is used when a man contacts us, and if we identify that he is probably an abuser with a bit of digging you can usually find his partner either in our service or another local service.

Anyone working in DV will have experience identifying abusers claiming to be the victim - generally their behaviour and demeanour are completely different to a genuine male survivor of DV

Original poster
dublingirl66 · 30/07/2020 20:55

Thank you so so much guys

The lovely people on here helped me get out.

And continue to help me stay strong

I'm an empath
I don't abuse

I help and try to support
This is what I did with him
Even when he had a knife To my face I was thinking of his job and what they would do if they found out

I took so much crap and said nothing and now to be called the abuser HURTS 😢😢😢😢

OP posts:
dreamboatquickfuck · 30/07/2020 21:00

Sadly yes, gaslighting. Have you read 'Why does he do that' Lundy Bancroft, it's helped so many women after an abusive relationship. Do you have any evidence you can show the court? Goodluck and try and give too much headspace to his gaslighting.

Original poster
dublingirl66 · 30/07/2020 21:06

I have witness statements
Hospital reports from the day he tried to kill me
Report from ambulance after he attacked me at flat
Notes from my psychotherapist
Report from a d v programme he was kicked off for victim blaming

Not sure if it is enough????

OP posts:
Original poster
dublingirl66 · 30/07/2020 21:18

Also can the court even use the notes my psychotherapist made?

OP posts:
Original poster
dublingirl66 · 30/07/2020 22:13

..

OP posts:
Yellowshirt · 30/07/2020 22:17

@dublingirl66 your story is shocking. My abuse was absolutely minor compared to anything you went through.
I'm actually more angry with myself for not waking up when my bank card went missing and not realising my overdraft was growing to £7000.
I'm also angry the one I received a punch or two I was persuaded not to report it to the police as my ex is a teacher whos job could supposedly be affected.
I would feel so much better in myself though if my ex actually owned up and got the divorce over the line so I can move on.

Original poster
dublingirl66 · 30/07/2020 22:18

Ah jez
Poor you
So very sorry

It's awful

I never thought I could let myself get into a mess like this
But so many of us try to get out and we can't

So you didn't make your way to the police?

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 30/07/2020 22:33

Kungfupanda67

That is unbelievably reassuring. Please don't give away any of your checklist clues but what do you do when you see you are being played? My abuser managed to get himself on the vulnerable persons list with the police because of me. It used to upset me. Now I use it as a way of keeping myself in check about his terrible behaviour.

Original poster
dublingirl66 · 30/07/2020 22:39

Ohio nooo !!

How did that even happen ??

Gosh it seems so common
Poor me I'm the one hard done by !! Ughhh 🤬🤬

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 30/07/2020 23:28

They have their rights don't you know poor things.

Original poster
dublingirl66 · 31/07/2020 01:01

😢😢😢😢

OP posts:
Kungfupanda67 · 31/07/2020 08:14

@OhioOhioOhio if we find the real victim in the system we tell the person claiming to have been abused that we can’t work with them, and signpost them to services which support abusers. If we don’t find their victim in the system but identify that they are more like an abuser than a victim we work to support them as we would any other victim - it doesn’t usually last very long though, as the support we provide isn’t what they want. They tend to want to rant and blame their ‘abuser’ for everything, and are fixated on what their ‘abuser’ did wrong, often they’re angry and very vocal about that. Real victims focus on moving forward, and frequently you will see them making excuses for their abuser’s behaviour, questioning what they could have done differently, male victims are usually embarrassed and downplay the abuse.

Original poster
dublingirl66 · 31/07/2020 11:04

Downplay it yes!!

Many don't often show remorse or seem sad

I fled a number of times due to both of us being attacked he is claiming now that I am a huge lier because I did not tell him where we went - ehhh what? We fled abuse!! Are you joking me!??

OP posts:
Gilead · 31/07/2020 11:54

Yes, they all do it. Mine accused me of financial abuse. The police looked at his collection of musical instruments and laughed.
He accused me of emotional abuse, verbal abuse etc. Fortunately I had a long history of asking for advice on here and had recorded some calls. Courts saw straight through him.
Good luck.

Original poster
dublingirl66 · 31/07/2020 15:42

Fab and so glad to hear some courts are well aware of this

So sorry you went through this

Apparently because I didn't pay rent after I fled I was emotionally abusive

I couldn't live there as he tried to kill me
But I'm the bad one so it seems

Hoping courts see right through him

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 31/07/2020 16:12

Even if the courts do see through them there is very little they can do about it.

Original poster
dublingirl66 · 31/07/2020 16:21

What you mean?

In terms of sentence?

OP posts:
TheSecondMrsAshwell · 31/07/2020 16:38

I have witness statements
Hospital reports from the day he tried to kill me
Report from ambulance after he attacked me at flat
Notes from my psychotherapist
Report from a d v programme he was kicked off for victim blaming

And he has one day's worth of texts from you. If he was such a victim, he would have the same body of evidence as you. If you're abusive by text, he would have a trail of texts from you. But he doesn't, does he?

I know who I'd believe in those circumstances.

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 31/07/2020 16:38

Sorry, Bold fail.

Original poster
dublingirl66 · 31/07/2020 17:10

Thank you

There are two separate days messages

Once after he attacked my daughter and I and then the day he attacked the rest of my family
With choice language I used

It was the only time I ever snapped back and tried to stand up for myself

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 31/07/2020 17:17

The amount of money you need to take a sneaky bastard liar to court. My abuser is the 'reasonable' type. So, so hard to prove.

Original poster
dublingirl66 · 31/07/2020 17:22

Cps agreed to charge he is up in criminal court end of aug

OP posts:
Gilead · 31/07/2020 18:22

If CPS are charging the court will be aware that there is evidence.

Original poster
dublingirl66 · 31/07/2020 19:04

Yes they took bloody ages and asked for more info from 4-5 agencies

But yes could have cried when I got the call !! Huge relief

He is pleading innocent so let's see

Hoping at least for a restraining order for me and my family

OP posts:
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