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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be furious the dbro expects aging parents to travel 3 trains to visit

68 replies

AllsortsofAwkward · 30/07/2020 06:22

My parents have both been shielding during the pandemic. My df has terminal cancer, and is prone to strokes and is very frail he has carers daily. My dm has heart problems and limited mobility.

My brother has been putting pressure for them to visit his new house he recently bought over 6 hours away. Intinally he wanted other dbro to drive them down however due to their situation at the moment with a high risk pregnancy its not safe. Now dbro expects them to make the journey via 3 trains. My dm struggles to walk and my df requires a wheelchair and would struggle to sit on a train nm during a pandemic. What is worse is dbro will drive up 3 and half hours to pick up mil and take her down so she can be a nanny for his kids and drive her back home, she had a minor stroke but otherwise much fitter than my dad and mother. Aibu to think if he wanted them to visit he could drive up and collect and take them down and bring them back or alternatively come here and visit. I couldn't bring then down as I have 3 dc.

OP posts:
LookAtTheCahhOlivahhhhh · 30/07/2020 06:24

YANBU. But it's up to them to say no.

Original poster
AllsortsofAwkward · 30/07/2020 06:28

He doesn't seem to accept no and puts pressure on them. Its frustrating as my df is proud but just unable to do the journey. They recently moved and could have moved closer but chosen not to. Personally I think they should be making the trips up but he looks his nose down at our area. His wife has visited in years and he comes up once to twice a year.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllsortsofAwkward · 30/07/2020 06:31

Hasn't

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 30/07/2020 06:33

They need you to advocate for them.
Tell him no they won’t be coming unless he picks them up.
Lousy twat.

piscean10 · 30/07/2020 06:39

Well he behaves like this because everyone enables him. Your parents are vulnerable and also adults. They can say no. Same with his mil. She is choosing to be childcare. I think its pointless you getting involved if your parents are still going to go.

coldplay · 30/07/2020 06:47

Your brother is a twat.

Original poster
AllsortsofAwkward · 30/07/2020 06:48

My dm said no but he's puts pressure on people. He was told before my parents weren't fit enough he almost died last year from a massive stroke.

OP posts:
00100001 · 30/07/2020 06:51

Just have it out with him. Tell him he's a selfish prick and how dare he out pressure in them to make such a difficult journey.

piscean10 · 30/07/2020 06:52

He is 6 hours away. How is he putting pressure? Again, everyone here is adults and capable of saying no. If you dont want to then no one can make you. He is the way he is because people allow him to do this.

Original poster
AllsortsofAwkward · 30/07/2020 06:53

Dbro was intinally going to visit but now wants them to come down. Df due to have an minor operation he has regularly due to the type of cancer he has. He also has oxygen at home and sleep downstairs and has a starlift, he has carers in to help him get washed and dressed twice daily.

OP posts:
EmmaGrundyForPM · 30/07/2020 06:54

As @7yo7yo says, you need to advocate for your parents. They are simply not fit enough to make the journey by public transport.
Would your brother be prepared to pay for a taxi/minicab for them? Obviously it would cost a lot but firms who do airport runs etc could do a fixed price.

Original poster
AllsortsofAwkward · 30/07/2020 06:55

I think he's a narcissistic. He puts pressure by continuing to ask despite thing's not changing and then asking other people when people have commitments. He doesn't want to accept no thats the issue.

OP posts:
piscean10 · 30/07/2020 06:57

Disagree with Emma. your parents should not be put in a taxi especially with your dad on oxygen.
If you have to get involved, ask your brother if he thinks someone who has a terminal illness should be travelling to see him . Ask him if he isnt ashamed at himself for being selfish.

Original poster
AllsortsofAwkward · 30/07/2020 06:58

EmmaGrundyForPM
I don't think df could seat in a car that long the cancer has spread around his bones and he suffers with alot of pain with this. Also I don't think he would manage at his house with stairs and using the shower.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllsortsofAwkward · 30/07/2020 06:59

Its also the risk of covid travelling aswell. They have shielded to travel mutilple trains aswell.

OP posts:
KetoPenguin · 30/07/2020 07:02

It's ridiculous and unsafe for your parents to make this journey, I wouldn't think your dad would cope well even with a car journey of that length.

Neighneigh · 30/07/2020 07:02

I'd speak to your parents and ask them if they would like you to step in and firmly say no. They may well not want to cause issues between siblings but they sound under enormous pressure from the twat (sorry I mean brother). He sounds awful I'm afraid. Aside from the pandemic side of things making it unsafe, can't he see how uncomfortable and potentially dangerous the journey would be for them? All to see a new house? Get him to make a video.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/07/2020 07:08

Is your brother in denial about your parents condition? I think it's easy for people who don't see parents on a regular basis to be especially if the parents insist they are fine when speaking on the phone.

He still sounds really unreasonable but could someone contact him and really reiterate how bad the situation is?

User43210 · 30/07/2020 07:09

As PP have said I think you need to ring him and explain how ridiculous he's being. I don't know your family dynamic but mine isn't very close and I would still ring my brother and give him what for if he expected that and my parents weren't able. Especially if he already said no.

Maybe show him the "cup of tea" consent video and tell him "no means no" - explain that it also works in this situation and how would he feel if something happened to DP on the journey.

YANBU your brother is an ass.

37KAT · 30/07/2020 07:09

Exactly what @Neighneigh says. A video will suffice.
This journey is ridiculous and could have a disastrous outcome.
Where will your parents sleep if they have stairlifts and support at home...
Your parents need to be form and say no and ask him to back off.

Original poster
AllsortsofAwkward · 30/07/2020 07:10

Me and him don't get on. He bullied me relentlessly as a child. We have fallen out for similar behaviour when I've stepped in for him doing the same thing previously. I think I'm going to speak to other brother and get him to have a word and firmly tell him its not feasible. The last trip when he went down was abour 3 years ago when he went he was abit healthier but later got pneumonia and almost died, he admitted the trip had been too much but didn't want to say anything as he's a proud man. Dbro uses his kids aswell that they want to see them when he can bring them up.

OP posts:
EmmaGrundyForPM · 30/07/2020 07:12

@piscean10

Disagree with Emma. your parents should not be put in a taxi especially with your dad on oxygen. If you have to get involved, ask your brother if he thinks someone who has a terminal illness should be travelling to see him . Ask him if he isnt ashamed at himself for being selfish.
The OP said she thought her brother should drive down, collect them.and drive them back to his house so the taxi suggestion was a response to that.

However, it sounds like a bad idea full stop. If the brother is so keen that they see his new house he could make a video tour of it and then visit the parents and show it to them

Sheenais · 30/07/2020 07:12

Tell him to send a fucking photo. They are not interested in his fucking house they just want his company. If he can’t go and visit them and give them that, then he is a massive cunt.

MarthasGinYard · 30/07/2020 07:12

'He also has oxygen at home and sleep downstairs and has a starlift, he has carers in to help him get washed and dressed twice daily.'

And your brother thinks they can pop on several trains

Deluded

Wynston · 30/07/2020 07:16

Op I think you may need to tell you're brother how ill dad is now.
Would be lovely if mum and dad could see the new house on a web chat type thing but the travel just seems pretty unrealistic.