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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to be furious the dbro expects aging parents to travel 3 trains to visit

68 replies

AllsortsofAwkward · 30/07/2020 06:22

My parents have both been shielding during the pandemic. My df has terminal cancer, and is prone to strokes and is very frail he has carers daily. My dm has heart problems and limited mobility.

My brother has been putting pressure for them to visit his new house he recently bought over 6 hours away. Intinally he wanted other dbro to drive them down however due to their situation at the moment with a high risk pregnancy its not safe. Now dbro expects them to make the journey via 3 trains. My dm struggles to walk and my df requires a wheelchair and would struggle to sit on a train nm during a pandemic. What is worse is dbro will drive up 3 and half hours to pick up mil and take her down so she can be a nanny for his kids and drive her back home, she had a minor stroke but otherwise much fitter than my dad and mother. Aibu to think if he wanted them to visit he could drive up and collect and take them down and bring them back or alternatively come here and visit. I couldn't bring then down as I have 3 dc.

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 30/07/2020 07:17

From my experience of liaising with hospital transport a patient in this condition would need an ambulance with escorts and oxygen just to do the journey to local hospital. A long taxi or car journey wouldn't be appropriate.

MumInBrussels · 30/07/2020 07:17

If you spell it out to him bluntly - "brother, you are asking a terminally ill cancer sufferer who has painful cancer in his bones and a woman with heart problems and who can barely walk to get there trains each way, just to come and visit your new house. Don't you think that's unreasonable? Even if they could physically do it, which they can't. And that's setting aside the risk that they'll catch covid from mixing with all the people in those 3 trains each way, which they're obviously particularly vulnerable to." - would he listen? Is it just that he's thoughtless and hasn't considered the cumulative impact of the journey on them, or is he just an arsehole who only wants to show off his new house?

Original poster

AllsortsofAwkward · 30/07/2020 07:18

I think its a bad idea all round they don't have the resources for them to stay. They don't even go away together anymore. My point about dbro picking them up was because he does it for mil but expects them to get the train I suppose they could stop from rests but utilmately even sitting in a car that long is too much.

OP posts:

YinuCeatleAyru · 30/07/2020 07:20

your brother is clearly an idiot but the rest of you, including your parents, need to toughen up and ignore his petulant whining when he doesn't get his way. his only power over you/your parents is this whining and you/they can decide how much weight to give that. if he is too narcissistic to understand that a frail elderly person with cancer and needing oxygen and daily care visits simply cannot make this journey then he needs to be ignored.

a possible way to help him understand might be to calculate the real cost of making the trip safely. that would include paying for a private ambulance for the journey, temporary nursing staff providing for care needs while at DB's house, either transporting safely or buying/hiring duplicates of any equipment needed. it would be an immense undertaking for the sake of his vanity wanting to show off his new house. it may be that he is just in denial about how frail his parents are.

Apolloanddaphne · 30/07/2020 07:22

It is quite evident your parents cannot travel to see him so they just have to keep saying no. Support them to be clear with your brother that this won't be happening.

eaglejulesk · 30/07/2020 07:22

I don't think your parents should be going anywhere, they don't sound well enough. They most certainly shouldn't be travelling anywhere by train. I think you are going to have to tell your brother that they are simply not well enough to visit his house, and will have to view it via photos. Be strong and don't let him bully you (or them) - he sounds rather unpleasant - and yes, enlist the help of your other brother. I can't believe anyone could be so selfish.

Original poster

AllsortsofAwkward · 30/07/2020 07:23

Hes aware how ill he is he was the one who asked for the oxygen as his breathing was affected after his stroke. Hes just an pompous arsehole. He has hounded over the years for him to come down his health hasn't improved but deteriorated. We almost lost him 2 times once to pneumonia where he was put on a ventilator and he had a major stroke at the butterwick last July. The doctor didn't think he would make it through the night but somehow he did. He looks alot frailer, he struggles to go to the shop when I take him. Any days out previously were a massive struggle for him before covid. He hasn't actually been walking about for a good year. Dm does the shopping and he will go to the doctors or appointments but he hasnt felt up to it.

OP posts:

Bikeybikeface · 30/07/2020 07:23

Oh what a selfish prick. Doesn’t he realise what he’d be putting them through? I think you need to step in and explain how inappropriate it is to expect them to travel that way. If he really wanted them to see the house, he should drive and get them (if they were ok with travelling all that way) or maybe he should accept that he is the one who moved so far away and can’t expect elderly ill parents to visit. Can’t he just FaceTime and show them around?

Pelleas · 30/07/2020 07:24

I wouldn't spend time on any lengthy explanations. If your brother can't see for himself how ridiculous it is, any attempts to justify it will just give him things to pick holes in and argue against.

Your parents need to say 'No. It's not happening and it's not up for further discussion.' & repeat until brother gets bored.

Longtalljosie · 30/07/2020 07:27

Tell them he needs to stop bullying his parents.

Iloveyoutothefridgeandback · 30/07/2020 07:33

I'm sorry to be so blunt but your brother is a dickhead.

I was thinking that you were going to say that he can't drive. But you say that he can, and regularly does. Why the hell can't he pick them up if he's so desperate for them to see his new house? He sounds like a spoilt, entitled teenager.

jackstini · 30/07/2020 07:40

Agree with others it has to be a definite no

I would send an email copying in everyone:
No bro, parents cannot visit
They cannot manage any form of transport, you don't have the carers they would need, it's far too risky when shielding, they are too ill
The answer is no - stop being selfish and trying to bully them into it

Might be quite cathartic... (due to him bullying you when younger)

Jaxinthebox · 30/07/2020 07:44

your parents shouldnt be going anywhere near your dbro house. Your father just isnt fit or well enough. If someone has carers going in a few times per day to help with basic things like showering then sadly, its just not right that he travels.

Your Dbro is an absolute twat.

Russellbrandshair · 30/07/2020 07:47

I suspect your brother is like this because your parents have always enabled him. I get that they’re frail but they can still say no. If they literally cannot do that then ask them if you can on their behalf. In my experience though this is what comes of never saying no to kids. It doesn’t do them any favours in the long run if they turn out lime this.

Original poster

AllsortsofAwkward · 30/07/2020 07:55

I'm LC with him due to his narcissistic behaviour, he thinks he's right and any attempt to reason with him is difficult. He could visit more he chooses not he looks down at our area instead. Any conversation is always focused on his life and he isn't remotely interested in anyone else's life. Hes a very self centred individual.

OP posts:

NoProblem123 · 30/07/2020 07:59

Why can he WhatsApp video call them and take them in a virtual tour of his house ?
It’s not the 1990’s.

Original poster

AllsortsofAwkward · 30/07/2020 08:01

Hes already done this but doesn't seem to be enough

OP posts:

Quarantimespringclean · 30/07/2020 08:09

Your parents won’t say no. As you really feel strongly about this (and it sounds as if you are quite right in that) then you need to step in. Be prepared to be the ‘bad cop’. Tell your parents you aren’t happy with what is being suggested, that you think it’s unsafe and that you are telling your brother that it’s not on. Don’t ask them - tell them.

Then you will have to temporarily abandon your NC stance & tell your brother straight. ‘ I know you want a visit but mum and dad are too frail for that journey’. Then whatever his arguments are just keep repeating ‘ they are too old/too frail/not up to that’. Be blunt, tell them if he wants to see them again he will have to visit them, their days of trains and long car journeys are over.

It will be tough but I am sure you can do it because you need to do it for their sake. I have found that having to be an advocate for my sick, elderly mother and my mentally ill adult DS has brought out an assertive side of me that had lain dormant the first 60 years of my life.

HeronLanyon · 30/07/2020 08:14

YAN,DEFINITELYN,BU.
Good luck op.

Leflic · 30/07/2020 08:23

@Sheenais

Tell him to send a fucking photo. They are not interested in his fucking house they just want his company. If he can’t go and visit them and give them that, then he is a massive cunt.

Yeah this.

To be fair I can’t see how they can do one train let alone three. Get their carers or health professional to phone your DB snd say it’s not feasible.

Argggghhneedclarity · 30/07/2020 08:24

That's awful. Your bro is being selfish and irresponsible. YANBU!

My0My · 30/07/2020 08:24

When my DM aged and could not travel to see dsis 5 hours away she never visited DM to see her. It was only because DM got on a coach to visit that any visits took place at all.

She’s not been to see our DM in 6 years and before that it was 2 years earlier where just her and not her partner who refused to come. Some people are just a waste of space! In our case it’s that we are too well off and they don’t approve of us. I’ve never worked out why that prevented them visiting DM.

So, your parents cannot travel. It might well be the row that means your brother doesn’t speak to you again. As with my dsis. She still tries to tell DM what to do over the phone but not me and I, very occasionally, remind DM that outside advice isn’t welcome without action to back it up. It’s difficult because DM loves my dsis but she’s appalling. My dcs don’t know her and we wouldn’t now invite her to any weddings etc. Any relationship we had has gone but some people are so self centred all you can do is let them stew in their own juice! It’s hard to see it though and parents never accept it and still want to see the awful child! The prodigal child from afar!

CatandtheFiddle · 30/07/2020 08:25

But it's up to them to say no.

If one of my siblings were putting this pressure on my elderly parents I would step in and explain realities to my sibling.

Your brother is being a selfish arse, and I would tell him so.

Apolloanddaphne · 30/07/2020 08:25

The other thing you could do would be to suggest they look into how they could make it happen. I reckon by the time they have waded through all the steps they would need to do with assistance at each station and the wheel chair, the oxygen tank, the medication required then temporary carers for your DF at your brother's house, any modification he may need to make to his house to accommodate them safely, I reckon the whole idea will just gently disappear.

CatNoBag · 30/07/2020 08:30

Bloody hell - he has carers coming in every day! How can your brother possibly think they can manage a train journey alone, let alone how they will manage once they get there AND need to get back again?! You need to get your other brother and DM on message to make sure it's a definite NO!

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