Aibu to be furious the dbro expects aging parents to travel 3 trains to visit

[AllsortsofAwkward]

My parents have both been shielding during the pandemic. My df has terminal cancer, and is prone to strokes and is very frail he has carers daily. My dm has heart problems and limited mobility.

My brother has been putting pressure for them to visit his new house he recently bought over 6 hours away. Intinally he wanted other dbro to drive them down however due to their situation at the moment with a high risk pregnancy its not safe. Now dbro expects them to make the journey via 3 trains. My dm struggles to walk and my df requires a wheelchair and would struggle to sit on a train nm during a pandemic. What is worse is dbro will drive up 3 and half hours to pick up mil and take her down so she can be a nanny for his kids and drive her back home, she had a minor stroke but otherwise much fitter than my dad and mother. Aibu to think if he wanted them to visit he could drive up and collect and take them down and bring them back or alternatively come here and visit. I couldn't bring then down as I have 3 dc.

your brother is clearly an idiot but the rest of you, including your parents, need to toughen up and ignore his petulant whining when he doesn't get his way.

This ^^

Although, the idea of getting a third party to tell him is even better. Would an HCP be prepared to make this call?

YANBU probably your parents need you to explain (nicely) to your bro. Tell him nicely, but outright, that they are sorry but they can't make that journey, he needs to face up to the fact that they are old and ill. Suggest either he picks them up, or could you meet him half way to drop off/pick up (assuming they want to go) or suggest he does a video tour with you with your parents to help them see everything if they don't want to go.

Even if your parents agreed to go, they can't actually go, can they, I mean physically they can't get the oxygen and the wheelchair and get themselves on the train, or change several times, This is absolutely outrageous, they shouldn't be moved at all, your DF is in a terminal state and needs to stay close to home, to the carers and to medical assistance should he urgently need it which terminal patients sometimes do. It can't happen anyway, it's just causing stress by asking them, all you can do is reiterate that physically it can't happen.

Yes all very well that your brother is a knob.

But you’re a grown adult, just tell him. Instead you’re spending a lot of energy telling us what a bad person he is, but not actually doing the thing people are suggesting. (Telling him up front no and why)

Apart from anything else it doesn't sound a good idea for you Dad to be traveling 6 hours away from his healthcare team.

And just because shielding ends on the 1st it doesn't mean that someone with such poor health should be taking such risks going out and about.
The official advice for shielders from 1st August is

You may still be at risk of severe illness if you catch coronavirus, so stay at home as much as you can and continue to take precautions when you do go out. You can do this by washing your hands regularly, avoiding touching your face and keeping 2 metres away from people outside of your household or bubble wherever possible

Iggly I previously have, this had been an on going issue he gets told then after a while hounds again.

Seems to be a theme amongst me and my 50 something friends. "Idiot middle aged brothers in denial". Or put it another way "over to you, I can't see a problem so id best leave it all to you, dear sister".
It sounds like there is a lot going on. Get nice brother to speak to him. No point in you communicating with him. Carry on focusing on making their life as pleasant as it can be. Do what you can do, don't try to fix the impossible especially for those who can't be asked themselves.

I don't understand what's in it for him to get them to visit. Does he want to show off his house? Is that the only reason for all of this?

Ask DB how is he preparing for them both dropping dead at his/or on the journey - because if that happens it will be up to him. You need to scare and humiliate him. Get a doctor's letter saying ''no travel allowed''.

And I would also speak to your parents about how they deal with it themselves. My elderly dmum has taken to saying to dbro "I would love to see you, when are you coming". As simple as that. Won't discuss her going there at all.

How does risks with pregnancy affect your other dear brother (he's not pregnant surely ?)?

Other than that I think you're right but I do know some people find it very difficult to accept deterioration of health in their parents and prefer to 'bury' it. I had a friend who did that with both of hers (mother had dementia, dad had a TB tumour that became malignant and they both died in same year), but they lived near so a situation like that of your parents and brother didn't arise. My husband was inclined to be a bit like that too, he refused to face up to the truth with both parents for a long time.

I wonder if there is anyone else who could drive your parents up to see your brother in his house; another family member, a friend or maybe your husband. If they stayed at his house your brother would not be able to ignore their health, his wife would see it too.

It would be quite an ordeal for them to go up anyway, I imagine they'd rather stay at home.

Have you tried getting it across to him?

YANBU to be angry.

If you are LC, I assume that you are feeling the pressure through your parents. Perhaps you can enable them to be able to resist the pressure better? Can they contact their doctor for his or her opinion on the trip? It might then be easier for them to respond to the DB "I know, it's very sad, but the doctor has said it isn't possible". Thereafter, they just need to find a line and repeat over and over, such as "It's sad, but it just isn't possible". If third parties start piling in, just respond to them that you are surprised they are asking, as DB already knows it isn't possible. Sadly, if he won't back down, or if he starts raging at being rejected (if he is a narcissist, it may happen), then encourage your parents to ignore his calls and messages for a while for their own wellbeing.

You need to man up and tell your brother straight exactly why your parents cannot be expected to visit, whether by car or train. He needs to be told not to suggest it again because it won't be possible ever again due to their ill-health.

I don't care if you used to be bullied by your brother. You need to stand up to him now on behalf of your frail parents. I don't know why you would mess about asking about it on MN. Every fibre of your being should be screaming at you to protect your frail parents, whatever the cost is to yourself. They need someone, preferably both you and your brother, to advocate for them.

It doesn't matter if you fall out with the horrid brother if you are already low contact.

Ask your Dad point blank, is seeing a house worth dying for?
Then just wait for him to answer.

jessstan2 its unfair to post their personal information in regards to that but all I will say is shes high risk and he maybe required to take annual leave so he can't be using it up.

Why on earth should my husband take annual leave to drive my dps down to my dbro when its not suitable for them to go down in the first place he has carers twice a day , oxygen and has reduced mobility. My dbro drives and collects mil 3 and half hours and drops her back off home. Not to mention my dh has been on furlough and returned to work, he won't get additional holidays and the one week he has off we have plans as a family not to facilitate to my dbro demands.

I have blown my top at my dbro due to his increasing demanding behaviour believe me the last time he tried this I went completely NC. It was only because of my DPs im now civil. So believe me user I'm more than capable im just furious hes at it again when his health is so low and in a pandemic.

Sorry, Allsorts, I didn't think I'd posted anything you hadn't said about your parents.

I didn't say your husband 'should' take days off to ferry your parents, it was merely a suggestion.

I won't make any more suggestions :-).

I’ve got an idea! No one will listen to common sense - so back away. Why make decisions for your parents? Let them get on with it. If they want to go, they arrange it. I have a big feeling it won’t happen. Then just leave your brother dangling. All this fuss about his request. Back off and it won’t happen. Result all round.

@My0My

I’ve got an idea! No one will listen to common sense - so back away. Why make decisions for your parents? Let them get on with it. If they want to go, they arrange it. I have a big feeling it won’t happen. Then just leave your brother dangling. All this fuss about his request. Back off and it won’t happen. Result all round.

Excellent solution MyOMy.