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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Great Dad - Shit Husband

57 replies

SassandBelle · 29/07/2020 12:28

DH and I are married, he has two children, I have none. His children are late teens/early twenties. He didn't have the best dad, although I wasn't around at the time the stories I hear from him are one that his dad was too busy working to consider his children very much. I don't know of any abuse, just a dad who didn't have much free time for his children.

To compensate for this he's always wanted to be a great father, obviously this is great news.

I'm not a natural step parent, I'm not maternal and I don't have my own kids. I didn't meet him until his kids were past the cuddly baby stage so I didn't form a bond with them. I tried very very hard for the first years of our relationship but gave up and gradually disengaged to the point where I see them rarely. This works well for them, his kids are in no way disadvantaged or mistreated.

So he sees them every other weekend plus odd nights during the week. He takes them out for dinner, usually fish and chips or MacDonalds, not fine dining. When we lived in a normal world he'd take them cinema, bowling, crazy golf - you know.

When the kids aren't around he plays his sport, so I rarely see him, he doesn't play his sport when it's his kids time as he doesn't want them to feel left out. This isn't a huge problem for me as I'm very self sufficient.

But my post is to be a great dad do you need to be a shit husband? We don't do anything together (or rarely). I'm a human being and I'm sure it's natural to feel a little envious isn't it? Before you flame me, think about it from my shoes. If your husband is devoting all of his time, effort and funds into something you're not involved with.

For those who may think, why don't you go along. I'm not welcomed, they are a secret society who I'm excluded from.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2020 12:32

Have you spoken to him about your lack of time together?

burdog · 29/07/2020 12:32

I think the answer to you not being invited is found in you saying you're not maternal.

However, it does sound like he's taking you for granted. You're always just "there" to him.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/07/2020 12:33

I don’t think it’s an either/or. He could be good and give time to all of you, there’s be compromise required all round, just as there is in any family. It does sound like you’re getting a rough deal. I suppose given the children’s ages, their time for him might reduce fairly soon, but if it all goes on sport, you don’t have much of a marriage left.

Sn0tnose · 29/07/2020 12:34

If you were their mum, I’d say that you cannot be a good dad if you are a shit husband. Part of being a good dad is doing your best to ensure the children have a happy home life.

As you’re not, I’d say that if you have a wife, children, a job, a hobby and limited time to fit those things into, then something has to give. It obviously can’t be his job if he wants to keep a roof over his head and it shouldn’t be his children. So what’s left is his sport and you. He’s choosing his sport over his marriage.

Original poster

SassandBelle · 29/07/2020 12:37

Yes we've spoken about it. He gets angry whenever we talk about it so I generally drop it.

I'm not maternal, but it doesn't mean I'm mean or unkind or unpleasant to be around? I don't want to be a mother to them, but they have a mum so why would I?

OP posts:

Original poster

SassandBelle · 29/07/2020 12:39

Interesting point @Sn0tnose ! So if I was his wife and mother of his children I should come higher in the pecking order than if I'm just his wife?

In your point, I'd say it shouldn't be his children, it also shouldn't be his wife!

OP posts:

MaeDanvers · 29/07/2020 12:39

How old were the kids when you met him? Past cuddly stage could mean anything from past toddler to primary aged.

CigarettesAndNoAlcohol · 29/07/2020 12:41

The issue isn't that you're competing with his children for his time.

He's got certain commitments, some of which are more optional than others, and you're bottom of the heap.

Think about it, if he works fulltime his priorities seem to be:

Work (that's usually not optional )
his Kids (as it should be - although it sounds like they're now at ages where they're becoming more independant and will have their own lives to build outside of parents)
his sport
you?

You're so far down his priority list no wonder you get little time together.

Frankly, i'd sit him down and ask him what he thinks you get out of the relationship. just that. a simple question. his answer will be revealing.

i think it sounds like you are just a background given to him. almost like he's taking you for granted - you've always been there and will always be there.

but your needs matter too.

and that's not about making him choose his kids vs. you - you cannot and should not ever win that one.

the kids are a distraction to that discussion, it's not them vs. you and i suspect if he's defensive/angry/shameful he'll try and make it about that... which isn't a good sign.

Original poster

SassandBelle · 29/07/2020 12:43

His kids were early teens when I met him.

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 29/07/2020 12:43

Nothing wrong with not being maternal but when you start a relationship with someone who has children you have to take them on board. It sounds like you made it fairly obvious you weren't interested in them growing up.

beautifulxdisasters · 29/07/2020 12:44

If he sees them EOW and some weeknights, then he also has EOW and the other weeknights (so at least half his time outside of work?) to do his hobby and to spend time with you. It's why he is spending all that time doing his hobby that's the issue, not him being a dad.

AryaStarkWolf · 29/07/2020 12:46

@SassandBelle

Yes we've spoken about it. He gets angry whenever we talk about it so I generally drop it.

I'm not maternal, but it doesn't mean I'm mean or unkind or unpleasant to be around? I don't want to be a mother to them, but they have a mum so why would I?

What does he get angry about? He's angry you want to spend more time with him?

Regarding your original question, of course you don't have to be a shit husband to be a good dad, in most situations though you would do a lot of things together. It's odd you don't get invited along to the cinema etc that must be hurtful

Motoko · 29/07/2020 12:47

OP, you posted a similar thread about your husband yesterday, about him being secretive.

If you want to leave him, then leave him. He's not going to change.

Original poster

SassandBelle · 29/07/2020 12:48

That is one hell of an assumption @LagunaBubbles and I'm not sure where you made that from? I also said in my post I tried very hard for the first years of our relationship. Very very very hard, so I do bristle when I read things like I didn't try!

OP posts:

Original poster

SassandBelle · 29/07/2020 12:50

He gets angry almost immediately, very defensive as soon as his children are mentioned.

Even if I ask a very general question about them he starts.

it is hurtful to be excluded. It's a basic human need to be included.

OP posts:

Bluemoonchild · 29/07/2020 12:51

This is naff all to do with the kids. Or anyone else. He doesn't want to make time for you. He's laid his cards out. It's up to you really now.

zoemum2006 · 29/07/2020 12:51

Sounds like there's loads of time when his kids aren't around for you to be doing things together.

I'd ask him to have a date night once a week.

If he refused I'd leave him. Seriously.

AryaStarkWolf · 29/07/2020 12:52

@SassandBelle

He gets angry almost immediately, very defensive as soon as his children are mentioned.

Even if I ask a very general question about them he starts.

it is hurtful to be excluded. It's a basic human need to be included.

Have you tried not mentioning his kids when you talk to him about spending more time together? But on the subject of not being invited out with them, have you ever asked why you can't come too?

backseatcookers · 29/07/2020 12:52

Surely the real issue is that you think he is a "shit husband". The kids are a red herring.

Doesn't really matter why you think he's a "shit husband", if it's how you feel then the relationship is over as you're obviously deeply incompatible.

If a husband referred to me as "a shit wife" then I would want out.

It's unfair on both of you to continue and it will lead to resentment and toxicity on both sides.

Dontcarewhatmyusernameis · 29/07/2020 12:54

I don’t think it’s fair to say the OP made it fairly obvious she didn’t want his children around! She says she tried very, very hard with them the first few years.
In what ways do you try to tell him you’re struggling? I remember hearing somewhere it’s better to communicate about your own feelings - like “I wish we could spend a bit more time together. I miss you and feel sad when we don’t hang out as a couple” instead of something more accusing like “you never want to spend time with me, all you care about is your sport.”
My guess is that his sport is a way of totally unwinding and he’s not needed by anyone in that situation, so he feels he needs it after giving a lot of himself to his kids. And I wonder if he has intimacy issues that he’s not giving more to his relationship with you? Relationships die when you put nothing in and don’t spend time with each other. You need to know and feel that you matter to him, and he’s not communicating that right now, at all. I hope he’s able to understand that because it’s not unreasonable for you to want to feel loved by him. I can see why you feel bad, I would too, and I hope it works out.

Starlight39 · 29/07/2020 12:57

I don't think you have to be a shit husband to be a good Dad! He only sees his kids EOW and odd nights during the week so it sounds like it leaves him plenty of time to do things with you if he wanted.

If he feels it's essential that he does his hobby/sport during all his free time that he doesn't have the children then he simply doesn't have time for a relationship at all. Nobody should have to put up with never ever being made a priority.

I think the exclusion is a separate issue but I can understand it's hurtful. However, if he made an effort and you did things as a couple during the time he doesn't see his children then maybe that would feel more bearable.

Stompythedinosaur · 29/07/2020 12:59

Most parents will understandably and correctly prioritise their dc. I think you'd be unrealistic not to expect this.

I think you issue is really with your dh prioritising his hobby over you in the days he isn't with his dc.

So I don't think the conflict is between being a great dad and a great husband, its perfectly possible to be both, but maybe a great dad, great husband and great hobbyist is more of a stretch.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/07/2020 13:03

You'll probably get lots of comments about how you should just put up with this because you are a step-mother, blah, blah, blah.

Bottom line is step kids or no step kids a real, adult partnership involves the adults doing things together. If he is not up for this and if you want this then something is wrong.

Leave the kids out of the equation - he should be making time for all of you. He isn't. You are getting nix, nada a naught from this - time to read him the riot act and be prepared to move on if he gets entitled angry.

ShebaShimmyShake · 29/07/2020 13:06

I'm not sure I see the connection? His not spending enough time with you isn't related to his relationship with his kids, who are adult or near adult. Sounds like the sport is more the issue. Be wary of blaming his kids, even in an indirect and roundabout way, for him not being invested enough in you.

howfarwevecome · 29/07/2020 13:06

It sounds like you are last on his list. And rather than hear anything about it from you, the person who is hurt by this, he deflects by going on the offensive and getting angry.

he's not going to change. Decide how you want to live the rest of your life and go from there.

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