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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Great Dad - Shit Husband

57 replies

SassandBelle · 29/07/2020 12:28

DH and I are married, he has two children, I have none. His children are late teens/early twenties. He didn't have the best dad, although I wasn't around at the time the stories I hear from him are one that his dad was too busy working to consider his children very much. I don't know of any abuse, just a dad who didn't have much free time for his children.

To compensate for this he's always wanted to be a great father, obviously this is great news.

I'm not a natural step parent, I'm not maternal and I don't have my own kids. I didn't meet him until his kids were past the cuddly baby stage so I didn't form a bond with them. I tried very very hard for the first years of our relationship but gave up and gradually disengaged to the point where I see them rarely. This works well for them, his kids are in no way disadvantaged or mistreated.

So he sees them every other weekend plus odd nights during the week. He takes them out for dinner, usually fish and chips or MacDonalds, not fine dining. When we lived in a normal world he'd take them cinema, bowling, crazy golf - you know.

When the kids aren't around he plays his sport, so I rarely see him, he doesn't play his sport when it's his kids time as he doesn't want them to feel left out. This isn't a huge problem for me as I'm very self sufficient.

But my post is to be a great dad do you need to be a shit husband? We don't do anything together (or rarely). I'm a human being and I'm sure it's natural to feel a little envious isn't it? Before you flame me, think about it from my shoes. If your husband is devoting all of his time, effort and funds into something you're not involved with.

For those who may think, why don't you go along. I'm not welcomed, they are a secret society who I'm excluded from.

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 29/07/2020 13:08

I don't understand why you're making this about his kids. He doesn't see them every day, he still has plenty of time to spend with you, but chooses to do his hobby instead.

Most people posting about this situation would take it for granted he sees his kids a couple times a week and focus on his hobby as the issue.

Why focus on the kids? Of course he's going to be defensive if it seems like you're criticising his kids or the time he spends with them.

CarelessSquid07A · 29/07/2020 13:14

I wouldn't expect to be included on the kids things and its absolutely right that they are his focus when they're with him.

However perhaps the problem is he doesnt make time for you when he doesnt have them.

With teens especially they often pick up when people dont feel comfortable with them and are just trying for their Dad. It's not a good situation for any if you so I can see why they have their secret society.

Perhaps you could arrange to have a family meal with them every so often, next time he has them just say well I thought I'd cook for us all tonight or something like that.

jessstan2 · 29/07/2020 13:15

Just tell him you'd like to do a few things with him occasionally. He probably thinks you're OK with the status quo.

LannieDuck · 29/07/2020 13:16

Ignore the children for a second, and ignore the other things he does when he's not with you.

Do you feel that you spend enough time with him to have a good relationship? If not, that's a problem. If he's not willing to prioritise you more highly in his life, you'll need to consider whether the status quo is enough for you... or not.

LadyMuck111 · 29/07/2020 13:18

You don't have to be a mother to his kids but you can be their friend. You don't need to exclude yourself from him and his kids.

cooldarkroom · 29/07/2020 13:20

What do you get out of your marriage?
sounds like he prefers Golf/Other, than spending any time with you, you are miserable & excluded from their clan.
What about leaving them to it, Go & live your life happily, alone

GabsAlot · 29/07/2020 13:22

i expect to be included on trips out with adult children sometimes i go out with dh and his kids sometimes i dont

i guess if theyre actively excluding you thats something but then id like to spend time alone with my df which i dont get to anymore

Sn0tnose · 29/07/2020 13:26

Interesting point @Sn0tnose ! So if I was his wife and mother of his children I should come higher in the pecking order than if I'm just his wife? Not at all. That’s not what I said or what I meant. I’ll re word it. If you, he and the children shared a home and he was treating you badly or putting zero effort into your relationship then I believe he would not be a good candidate for Father of the Year. It’s a comment on him being a good dad, or not, and is entirely separate to his relationship with you because you have little to no involvement with his children.

In your point, I'd say it shouldn't be his children, it also shouldn't be his wife! I quite agree. But that’s the choice he’s making.

Eddielzzard · 29/07/2020 13:26

He's a shit husband because he doesn't make time for you. His golf / hobbies are his focus. Excluding you from his family has got to hurt too.

How are finances / housework managed? Are you making all the sacrifices and getting none of the rewards?

Itsjustabitofbanter · 29/07/2020 13:27

Him being a good (or bad) father has absolutely nothing to do with how he treats you. I don’t even know how you’re managing to compare the two. From the sounds of things he really doesn’t have his kids that much, their time with their father shouldn’t really be affecting your relationship at all. It’s just you and your oh for the vast majority of the time. I can see why he’d get defensive if you’re bringing up the subject of his children to complain about aspects of your relationship which has nothing to do with them. From the sounds of things your oh IS a shit partner and this needs to be addressed though. He has all the time in the world around the odd weekend with his kids to make time for you

museumum · 29/07/2020 13:29

This isn’t about his kids. In a fortnight he sees them two weekend days and evenings plus 2-4 other evenings.
That leaves two weekend days and evenings plus 6-8 other evenings. If he’s playing his sport ALL that time then the sport is the issue. If he’s just relaxing then find stuff to do together to relax.

DrDavidBanner · 29/07/2020 13:31

I agree with PP who have said this is nothing to do with the children. He is their father and aside from the fact that he clearly loves them and their company he has a responsibility to be a part of their life. So whatever else was going on they would still be a major part of his life.

I think that its his sport / hobby that is the issue.

All couples are different some like to spend all or a lot of their time together and some like to enjoy hobbies seperately or have more space, and as long as that works thats fine, but it seems that its not working for you. I also agree that his angry response is a deflection to stop the conversation being had and to that I guess the question is why?

Itsjustabitofbanter · 29/07/2020 13:32

@dreamingbohemian

I don't understand why you're making this about his kids. He doesn't see them every day, he still has plenty of time to spend with you, but chooses to do his hobby instead.

Most people posting about this situation would take it for granted he sees his kids a couple times a week and focus on his hobby as the issue.

Why focus on the kids? Of course he's going to be defensive if it seems like you're criticising his kids or the time he spends with them.

I agree. If he had the kids 24/7 and was neglecting his partner to spend all his time with them, then fair enough. He only sees kids kids every couple weeks though

IceCreamSummer20 · 29/07/2020 13:33

I sympathize. I’ve been there. It got to the point where after 2 years of never going to the cinema with him, and he goes every fortnight with his now adult kids, we went to see a movie together. On the way we gave one of his daughters a lift, she asked which show we were going to see, and then complained that he hadn’t asked her first. And he apologized to her!

I don’t think some men are that invested in their new partners after a long marriage and kids. They will have put their previous wives higher up the scale. But so guilty about leaving that us second partners are just stuck in a corner second best. It’s not worth it. I’d at least move out OP so that if he wants to see you, he has to make an effort. It’s too easy for him to ignore you while you are just always there. Everyone else he makes an effort for.

DelphiniumBlue · 29/07/2020 13:34

You said he sees the kids every other weekend, and that he takes them out to eat , or bowling or some such activity. Does that mean they stay at over at your house for 48 hours or so EOW, or does it mean that EOW, he'll take them out for an afternoon or evening?

It is important that they see him 1:1 some of the time, and they may want to see him separately from each other, as well. But it is not fair if you are never included, and that you never go out just you and DH.
What sport does he do that takes up the whole weekend?

I think you've already made your point, that you'd like to spend more time with him, but if you haven't put it like that, you could do so now, for the sake of clarity.
Then make yourself less available. Go out on the days you know he's at home himself. Give him time to start missing you, and then it'll sink in that if he wants to see you he'll need to make arrangements to do so. Don't just hang around waiting for crumbs of attention.
Either he'll start making an effort, or he won't. Either way you'll have a better idea of where you stand, and if you need to move on, you'll already be in the process of doing so.

HappySonHappyMum · 29/07/2020 13:34

I'm really surprised you're so disengaged from his kids. He must feel that you're not really interested in them so you're not interested in a big part of him. You say his kids are adults now - so why don't you both have a relationship with them on an adult level together now? You say he sees them outside of your house once or twice a week - why is this? Do they not feel that it is there home too? In 5 years time one or both of them may have partners, there may be weddings and grandchildren - are you going to separate yourself from all of this as well? Is he going to be a Grandad and are you not going to be part of that? Trying hard for a couple of years is not enough - when you married you signed up for a lifetime of everything that he is - not just the parts that suit you. You want attention - you'll get it in spades if you take part in the most important parts of his life - you be spending a couple of nights a week as a family and sharing in the happiness that brings. If you're not prepared for that I think this relationship is never going to bring you joy.

Littleposh · 29/07/2020 13:35

This has nothing to do with his kids and everything to do with him, he is choosing to put his hobby above you

FizzyGreenWater · 29/07/2020 13:35

You're there to cook clean and have sex with.

But his emotional life is elsewhere. His emotional and real investment of love - aka his time and attention and energy - is given to his kids.

You're actively told that you're not wanted.

Why are you there?!

IceCreamSummer20 · 29/07/2020 13:38

I'm really surprised you're so disengaged from his kids. to be honest this is totally normal. Most step kids have zero interest in the new partner and will reject them, OP says she did try. I’m very maternal and would have loved a relationship with my step kids. They have no interest. After couple counselling we agreed it was best I disengaged.

Charleyhorses · 29/07/2020 13:38

But your issue doesn't seem to be him spending time with his kids, just not spending any of the rest of the time with you. The kids are irrelevant.

billy1966 · 29/07/2020 13:38

Why have you continued to stay with him.

You are not even vaguely important to him.

Split up, move on OP.

Leave him to his children, hobbies and anger.

EggBoxes · 29/07/2020 13:42

Yes we've spoken about it. He gets angry whenever we talk about it so I generally drop it.

What do you say? How do you say it?

One possible approach is to listen to the wish behind your critical words. So if you find yourself thinking, "God, you never spend any time with me, I'm the least of your priorities" your wish might be, "I love you and want to spend more time with you. How can we make this happen?" and that's the bit you say out loud.

Italiangreyhound · 29/07/2020 13:44

He needs to make time to be with you and prioritize your needs. Open discussion and willingness to spend time together and find things that work.

"He gets angry whenever we talk about it so I generally drop it." That's a very bad trait, he needs to deal with his anger.

"He gets angry almost immediately, very defensive as soon as his children are mentioned.

Even if I ask a very general question about them he starts.

it is hurtful to be excluded. It's a basic human need to be included."

I think it is very nasty that you have been excluded from this step family by both the kids and your partner. I don't think the issue of spending time together is about the kids, it's about his willingness to spend time (and maybe money) together with you.

IceCreamSummer20 · 29/07/2020 13:47

@Charleyhorses

But your issue doesn't seem to be him spending time with his kids, just not spending any of the rest of the time with you. The kids are irrelevant.

Agree that you must not being up his kids if you try and talk to him. It’s not a them and us.

However at heart he probably is only spending his going out energy on his kids, who to be honest if young adults, he is spending an awful lot of outside social time with. When they get their own partners this will diminish naturally. I don’t personally think it’s a great Dad who needs quite so much from his kids but treats his partner like the furniture.

minipie · 29/07/2020 13:48

I agree with PP that your focus should be on the sport/other free time activities he does without you. Not on the time with his kids. You may (well, should!)! get a better response if you talk about reducing his hobby time rather than his kids time.

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