for thinking my dd isn't eating enough?

[helenc70]

sorry i'm posting here for traffic. she has never eaten much since she was a child and always very skinny. she's been taken to the doctors many times but they've always said there's nothing they can do. her hair is quite thin but other than this and being very skinny, there's no other health issues. when i say skinny, i mean there is literally nothing to her. i do think she's underweight but i don't want to weigh her as she's a teenager so i couldn't force her and i don't want to make her insecure or anything. she's quite short too, 5'2ish. she usually eats one chocolate brioche and a small glass of milk in the morning. usually a sandwich (no crusts), a packet of crisps, chocolate biscuit and a babybel/cheese string for lunch, but she rarely finishes everything. for dinner it's usually spaghetti bol, takeaway or freezer food (chicken nuggets, fish fingers, potato waffles, beans, you get the idea). please don't judge the bad diet, this is all she will eat. she's always picked at her food. sometimes we'll have a cooked breakfast on the weekend, and she'll eat maybe half a slice of toast dipped into a fried egg, a small spoonful of beans, a slice of bacon and a bite of a sausage. we always give her a normal size portion, but this is all she will eat. she just never seems to be hungry. when she's at school she would buy a brownie from the canteen but always always gives some to her friends. when she's had sleepovers, we'll buy doritos and she'll eat maybe 2, her friends eat much more than this. she'll have a slice of pizza and one potato wedge and her friends will have at least 2 slices of pizza, a cookie and some wedges. another thing is she eats very very slowly, always at the table at least 20 minutes after everyone else has finished eating, even with her small portions. please let me know if this is normal and i just have skewed expectations of what is normal (i'm overweight myself, always have been). her little sister is also very skinny but she has asd so that is mainly from not wanting to eat because of texture issues.

@helenc70
I agree with other people who have posted. Try not to show you are worried and make a big deal of it. If she feels bullied into eating/constantly observed, that’s no good! I can see why you’re concerned. What does DH say?

When schools go back, could you confidentially contact a guidance teacher/year head. Say you’ve had concerns at home - what about at school? Make it very clear you don’t want your daughter to know you’ve contacted the school. Schools should respect this. If they talk to her, they don’t need to bring you into it. For all you know, her friends might be worried and have told a teacher already or the school may have picked up on something. You probably have to wait a few weeks after going back.

Can you target this from a different angle? Can you encourage DD to exercise/join a sports club? Exercising on empty is hard - it may naturally increase her appetite and she may become stronger/healthier as a result. This won’t work if she has no interest in this.

Counselling can be dear - But maybe worth it. Perhaps she has mild ASD too and texture issues, but doesn’t know/want to express it?

Good luck OP.

Oh and OP I find mine eat more if I only put out a small portion and let them know there is more if they want it. If I put out a little bit more than I expect them to eat in the hopes they will eat more it completely backfires as a big plate of food really puts them off eating. My youngest has ASD as well.

• @WaltzingBetty as i've already said, this is her diet when she isn't eating much of what i've presented to her, because i know she's more likely to eat more of it (and it's still never all of it,*

But what's the point of her eating more of it when it has no nutritional value? She'd be better off eating foods like peanut butter, avocado, good quality protein etc

Calories still have nutritional value. If its all she will eat then its better she eats a full portion (or reasonable) of say chicken nuggets than a teaspoon of avocado

Theres protein in baked beans, calcium/fats in the babybel/cheese string, bread has lots of nutrients. Fish fingers/chicken nuggets still have some nutritional value. Shes not eating pure cardboard, its not ideal but getting enough calories is the absolute basic nutrional requirement really.

You are not being unreasonable! This sounds like a very small amount of food for your daughter to be eating and suggests she has some issues with food considering the limited range and amount she is willing to eat. Please ignore other posters that 1200 calories is enough - they are grown women, teenagers need a lot more calories than adults as they are growing. I would advise taking your daughter to the GP and having a conversation about diet and health. What does she say when you talk to her about her food and eating habits? What excuses does she give for not eating? Eating disorders are scarily common amongst teenage girls, and even those who don't have an ED can engage in disordered behaviour.

I saw an excellent post on children, weight, and weight loss of the Lose It subreddit on reddit that had lots of information and resources on teens health and dietary needs, eating disorders and links to help for parents which might be helpful to you. www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/hwcsj3/recent_influx_of_teens_how_we_as_a_community_can/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Op has answered what he daughter says lots of times. It is not “excuses” for not eating. She fills full after a small amount of food..

This is how I was (and still am, to a degree)! I was a somewhat picky eater, but more than that, I just did not have a big appetite and and had a very fast metabolism. To give an idea, when I was 14, I was 5'8 and 95 pounds. My parents/doctors who knew me were never concerned as it's just how my whole family is built, but it was frustrating for me because I never wanted people to assume I had an ED (and many people who did not know me well did). The pickiness with your daughter is definitely a hurdle to get over, but I would start by just offering more snacks and small meals throughout the day. I still cannot eat a lot in one sitting, but I have somewhat nutritional snacks throughout the day- think cheese and crackers, protein bars, apples and peanut butter, etc so the calories build up. Also, you can make her milkshakes or smoothies with protein powder in them just to make sure she is getting enough nutrients to grow. If she has started her period, then I wouldn't worry too much, and it seems like you are approaching this in a very healthy and loving way in terms of being cognizant of her self-consciousness. Feel free to DM me if you want to chat, because she sounds a lot like me!

wow, thank you everyone for the advice! i will definitely be taking everything on board and talking to her i'll be booking an appointment with her gp today. she's eaten most of her bowl of cereal and is making herself a coffee, but i've brought full fat milk to try and get some more calories in however i can. thanks again everyone

I think you're making a problem when there's not one tbh. There's an obesity epidemic, "normal" people are fat. Your everyday average looking man, woman and child is fat. And we're fat because we eat far too much. So when you see a thin girl like your dd with a small appetite, it seems "not normal" compared to everyone else, but it's not her who's unhealthy. 3-5lb underweight isn't anything to worry about, and the GP isn't likely to do anything other than make her feel self conscious. You'd be better off giving her an occasional treat more often, but now you can't do that without it being an issue because you've just weighed her and trotted her off to the Dr about her weight, so every treat you offer now is probably going to be eyed with suspicion!
I'm fat now but was skinny until I had kids. When I was your dad's age I could never finish anything either. I couldn't drink a whole can of coke. If I drank with a meal I could fit in even less. It's more unusual now we're all eating more and getting fatter but that doesn't make it a problem.
Can you imagine going to the Dr about being 3-5lb overweight?! It's just nothing. They'd tell to to make a small diet adjustment and send you on your way to get a fucking grip.

*dd's not fucking dad's, fuck off autocorrect!

Also we swear more these days, which I think is fucking awesome. Although it might be because more annoying shit happens, I'm not sure.

Hi OP,

Your daughter sounds a lot like me as a child, I was quite small but wouldn't eat much and definitely preferred the brownies at school.

As I went to uni, I found I started to eat more so I don't think she'll be like this forever.

One thing I can think of is wraps for lunches, you can fill them with salad and flavoured chicken and mayo, they're really tasty, have them salad and the mayo and wrap is a bit of sustenance. You can get all sorts of flavoured chicken in the supermarkets (such as bbq) and if she likes them, you're onto a winner. You could even stay with the theme and do fajitas with sour cream for dinners. Easy to make and you add cheese too, lots of calories! Also easy to eat family style as you make as you eat.
If she likes tuna, I find tuna sandwiches are a win, too. They have a more-ish flavour which makes them easy to finish.

Sorry you're worried about DD but it's just the way some teenagers are, in my personal experience. If she's not collapsing and doesn't appear to have an eating disorder, then she's hopefully good.

Whatever you decide, please be careful. It's easy for a skinny girl who puts on weight to suddenly feel fat and then develop an eating disorder, so I think it's always best to approach food issues with a lot of caution.

Just wanted to add that she will probably not see a problem but this is not really something to factor in to any decision making. She may not have an ED, but part of anorexia is a thing called ‘anosognosia’ where basically the person can’t perceive that there’s a problem. My Dd I can remember screaming at me that she didn’t have anything wrong with her and it was in my head and I was trying to control her. She was severely anorexic and yellow and fainting at that point.

IME the ED patients we came across tended to have some personality traits in common. They tended to be intelligent, competitive, driven, perfectionist types but mostly with low self esteem and a lot of self doubt - ‘over thinkers’. Also in our experience quite often GPs are not very clued up with eating disorders, ideally you’d get her referred to the eating disorder service for assessment from a specialist. There’s a checklist which you can find online called the junior marsipan guideline which has a red amber green but that it’s quite easy to look through and see what areas should be assessed by the doctor.

@HostessTrolleyyou have described my dd's to a tee. I'm not sure I would describe my dc as having an ED although they undoubtedly eat a lot less than the majority of their peers but that said they always have. I think dd1 was 18 before she managed a whole bag of crisps, they never asked for sweets or snacks even as pre schoolers, their packed lunches were always smaller than their peers (because if there was too much it put them off). Dd2 is 17 has never eaten any sweets or drunk anything other than water or milk and never wanted to try mcd's or Dominos etc. Thankfully her friends accommodate her quirks though.

You’ve also described my dd down to a tee Hostess Trolley. Have to say she is receiving good support and starting to put weight back on albeit slowly. Good luck OP with your girl

Hi OP, I wonder if the first thing you need to do is not try and change her eating habits but get to know her a little more. From your posts you seem not to know your daughter very well. Surely you should know if she is even having her periods or not. It's not some big invasion of privacy to ask her how much she weighs either. Perhaps if you worked on your relationship first, the other matters would become easier to broach. Are you quite a closed/ private person yourself?
I'm not trying to be unkind OP but there seems to be a distance between you and your daughter that I would feel uncomfortable about of it were me and my dd. All the best.

I don’t know when my mother, daughters or friends menstruate unless they ask me for supplies/paracetamol etc. Thinking about it I don’t know how much they weigh either. We are very close it’s just not pertinent

I would have no idea about dd1's periods I know she is back to her pre pregnancy weight though so I'm aware of that. I know when dd2's periods are due as she asks for painkillers. To add to that she weighed five stone when her periods started age 11 so not sure periods are an accurate indicator of a healthy weight.

I had to put weight of one of my DC as he lost appetite due to meds. I made him.small portions but put butter or cream or olive oil in everything. Luckily he adores peanut butter so would have that on crackers. Full fat milk. Heavy cream in her coffee could be good too.