for thinking my dd isn't eating enough?

[helenc70]

sorry i'm posting here for traffic. she has never eaten much since she was a child and always very skinny. she's been taken to the doctors many times but they've always said there's nothing they can do. her hair is quite thin but other than this and being very skinny, there's no other health issues. when i say skinny, i mean there is literally nothing to her. i do think she's underweight but i don't want to weigh her as she's a teenager so i couldn't force her and i don't want to make her insecure or anything. she's quite short too, 5'2ish. she usually eats one chocolate brioche and a small glass of milk in the morning. usually a sandwich (no crusts), a packet of crisps, chocolate biscuit and a babybel/cheese string for lunch, but she rarely finishes everything. for dinner it's usually spaghetti bol, takeaway or freezer food (chicken nuggets, fish fingers, potato waffles, beans, you get the idea). please don't judge the bad diet, this is all she will eat. she's always picked at her food. sometimes we'll have a cooked breakfast on the weekend, and she'll eat maybe half a slice of toast dipped into a fried egg, a small spoonful of beans, a slice of bacon and a bite of a sausage. we always give her a normal size portion, but this is all she will eat. she just never seems to be hungry. when she's at school she would buy a brownie from the canteen but always always gives some to her friends. when she's had sleepovers, we'll buy doritos and she'll eat maybe 2, her friends eat much more than this. she'll have a slice of pizza and one potato wedge and her friends will have at least 2 slices of pizza, a cookie and some wedges. another thing is she eats very very slowly, always at the table at least 20 minutes after everyone else has finished eating, even with her small portions. please let me know if this is normal and i just have skewed expectations of what is normal (i'm overweight myself, always have been). her little sister is also very skinny but she has asd so that is mainly from not wanting to eat because of texture issues.

So, if she does eat some of whatever you cook, why are you not cooking healthier food then?

It will benefit her far, far more - and she will likely start enjoying food and put on some weight.

@Choukette i do, i cook normal meals for the whole family most nights and she will just pick, sometimes eating some of the salad and that's it. my point is she'll eat most of what's listed in the op, because that is all i can get her to eat consistently. everything else is a hit and miss on whether she'll actually eat it. she eats literal mouthfuls of a meal unless it's something i listed in the op, and sometimes only mouthfuls of that too.

To be honest in calorie terms that doesnt sound too bad to me. We have skewed ideas of portion size.

My dd is similar although she's very slim i wouldn't say skinny. She's always had a tiny appetite - even as a baby i couldn't get her to eat solids until she was 1 so she was ebf until then. Luckily she does love salad and fruit so gets some vitamins! However she never finishes a plate of food and generally only has a few bites. She goes through phases of eating a bit more then phases of barely eating at all. Currently she is in the latter and I do find it worrying. If we go out for a burger she'll get halfway through the burger (and not have touched the fries) and be uncomfortably full. It's just how she is and all i can do is encourage her to get as many nutritious foods in as possible.

i have just added up her general calorie intake, of if she actually ever ate everything i served her, and it still seems so low and she never ever eats all of this!
breakfast - chocolate brioche 120 cals milk 100cals
lunch - crustless ham sandwich 250cals crisps 130cals penguin bar 130cals babybel 60cals
dinner - 4 nuggets 250cals 2 potato waffles 200cals baked beans 160cals can of coke 140cals
= 1530cals.. which is already bad! but then you take into account she would normally leave the penguin bar.. -130cals, eat one of the waffles -100cals, only drink half a can of coke -70cals, eat less than half the beans -80cals, which leaves her with a grand total of.. 1150!!

If she's eating to her appetite, has gone through puberty (and 13/14 is perfectly normal and healthy - would have been pretty average not so long ago) and is having periods, isn't exhausted and prone to infections...

I'm not really seeing much of a problem. It's a problem if she's deliberately restricting which she doesn't seem to be, but naturally skinny people with small appetites are normal.

Yes, her diet could be better but that would also be the case if she was eating 3 times as much of the same foods as probably most of her friends are.

Is 1500 calories at 5ft 2 really low? It seems like a huge amount of sugar and saturated fat. I understand if you don't give her this she doesn't eat and that's so worrying but it can't be good to have all that fat and sugar.... Does she take vitamin supplements?

Oh sorry I misread I thought you said 1500

Could you get her to drink something like a protein shake?

I think ask the Dr. I thought dd was just “light” and a dainty eater.☹️ She now obviously has a very worrying attitude to food/weight, and is over 18 so there is little I can do

This doesnt seem very much for a teenager ,however she is eating something at least! My own DD likes smoothies ,lots of fruit in there ,or could you make some home made soup maybe ? I think trying out things like this (just offer here and there ,dont make a thing out of it)/leave in mugs (so she can help herself) . Or leaving say Bananas or Apples ,some strawberries /raspberries in bowls out to pick at or some babybels /cheesestrings ? Just leave them in the fridge or out on the worktop around mealtimes. Dont offer just put them in the room somewhere . DD would eat Ham ,Broccoli.Yoghurt and Roast Chicken when younger and that was literally it!

@Poppyismyfavourite she actually tried protein shakes before, when she used to go to the gym and she hated them, we tried so many different 'recipes' to cover the flavour of the powder, but nothing seemed to work, so i think that won't work she does takes a gummy vitamin when she remembers @doadeer

OP , nobody here will be able to tell you if your daughter is healthy or eating enough to sustain her weight. You will get a range of opinions on MN, people bring their own norms/experiences/baggage/ED with eating to their responses. Normal is very subjective.
A few things that stand out -

1. Her sister has ASD and feeding issues. It might be that the two situations are not unrelated. We learn our eating patterns within our families. Worth also considering if she also has an ASD as theirs is a family history.
2. dietician would be able to give you an objective opinion as to her nutrition
3. the difficulty discussing ED type issues with our teens makes it difficult to tackle them. It might be worth a chat with a parent support line from one of the charities to discuss some of your worries. It feels like your DD is living a very ‘private’ inner life (given you aren’t sure if puberty has started). It might be worth having a space that is for you.

I was a bit worried about dd too at the same age. Picked at food, was very skinny, food was becoming an issue.

What changed her attitude was finding a sport she loved and building up an appetite doing that, then being told she needes to eat more by the coach to be fitter and stronger. Now she's a very healthy size 8, eats like a normal teenager in that she alternates between junk and family food and food isn't an issue anymore.

Could you get her out walking or running or on her bike? If her appetite increases you can then look at expanding what she is eating.

@Frouby as i said, she's been to the gym before and it honestly made no difference in her appetite i feel like i'm at the end of my tether because nothing seems to make her want to eat more!

I don't think she's eating too little, she's eating 3 meals a day. I'm 5'5 and stick to 1200 cals a day otherwise I put on weight, I also do at least 60 mins exercise per day.

From a calorie perspective, I don't see the problem, but she obviously needs more nutritious food - but then you know that.

If she's not doing much exercise and is a small frame then that sounds like an ok amount of calories. I know you're trying but her diet content is very unhealthy and could lead to a lifetime of health issues. She's old enough to learn about healthy eating and the impact on her health.

is it really okay? i thought i read somewhere that even sedentary teenagers need 2000 calories a day, and she's only getting about 1200

I have been in a similar situation with mr dd (now 17).

She was eating very little and was incredibly fussy.

She ended up being referred and had 'diagnosable features of Anorexia '

Whilst under the care of the clinic they were very open with her about the need to be weighed and what was a suitable weight.

They took quite a 'no nonsense ' approach about what damage she was doing to her body by restricting her food intake.

They were not interested in what she was eating - the priority was to get some weight on her. She was encouraged to eat larger chocolate bars , packets of crisps etc.

Also addressed was her extreme pickiness. She did admit that she had been using this as a way to control her weight but she does have genuine anxiety about textures, finding 'funny bits ' in meat etc.

Her sister has ASD so possibly sensory issues?

We agreed 5 meals that she would eat in rotation including takeaways so that food didn't become the sole focus of conversation or conflict in the house.

It's been very difficult. People can be very judgmental and think that you are being manipulated.

I should also mention that the blood tests revealed deficiencies in iron and vitamin D. Both are now back to normal and she is very slim but within the healthy weight range.

I'm not currently worried about her weight but like any mother I wish her diet was more varied and healthier.

Forgot to say she was diagnosed with ARFID - previously known as Selective Eating Disorder.

She sounds quite similar to my just turned 15 year old with a few tweaks of food choices but certainly most days she wouldn't be having more than1300 calories. She eats most things - a bit limited on the meat and fish, she just doesn't eat a lot of it. With mine I see no evidence that she's deliberately not eating, she has regular periods, she plays a sport, she looks in proportion. She would wear a size 4/6 in Primark but PJ shorts would be big on her, if she wears a more fitted top she likes a size 6 but she recently bought Jeans in Primark that were a 4 and they're a bit big on her but I was informed that was the way they were supposed to look.

i put her 'stats' into a child tdee calculator, i estimated her about 100lbs but i'm not entirely sure if this is correct, and it says she would need 1620 calories a day, so she's getting 400 calories less than this, on average. i put her exercise as 'couch potato', but normally she would be 'lightly active' which would put her at 1928 calories, so before lockdown, she would have been underrating by 700 calories

I think that going on her very slight frame 1200 calories is Ok. I am 5 feet and hover around 7 stone. I manage about 1100 calories too. Most of my calories come from drinking whole milk.(GP recommendation)
I know there is a lot of difference with a teenager to an adult, but I think you seem to have the right attitude to this.

We have a very large family half of them are absolute skinny minnies and the others are average weight. My two sons can go for hours and hours without food and are very slim, daughters are more robust.

wow, i googled '100lbs 5'2 female' and she is much smaller than 100lbs! she is honestly just bones, not exaggerating when i say there is not an ounce of fat on her

I'm a similar height to your dd (a little shorter) and I would say I eat the same amount as her. I don't enjoy food really. So I eat enough to fill me up and then I'm done. Some people love food, others don't.

The problem with your dd does seem to be quality, not quantity. It is a very poor diet. You say she drinks milk so why not give her that with dinner instead of coke? She eats spag bol, you could make a big pot of that and freeze some portions. At least she's getting some veg into her then. I wouldn't worry about her eating the same thing again and again if it was something substantial. Does she eat cottage pie? I make those in batches too and freeze them in ramekins. Again, small portions but have meat and veg at least.