Ice cream - am I a monster?

[FudgeBrownie2019]

The DC behaved like utter knobs in a shop today. Not normal for them - they're generally well-behaved and I don't have to remind them about their behaviour. One kicked the other, the other called the kicker a knob and both were sent to stand outside in disgrace.

As a consequence (I'd just bought ice creams from the shop) I said they were banned from them til tomorrow. The ice cream man has just pulled up outside our house and both DC flew down the stairs shouting with glee - DH stood up and said he'd take them, I said "no, their behaviour in the shop means no ice cream today" and I have been told that neither of them plans to speak to me again til I am very old.

AIBU to stand firm? DH heard me say no ice cream to them when we came home from the shop but clearly ignored it because he's soft in the head, and both DC are complaining that I am outrageous for holding firm on this. DH isn't usually one for giving in but over lockdown he's relaxed a huge amount with the DC and seems to be letting things slide far more.

(Also, this is lighthearted but also slightly not - it's a DH problem, isn't it?)

@Hairthrowaway

Dunno, even if one of them was “provoked”, kicking is an extreme reaction. Resorting to violence is not acceptable, frankly they’ll grow up to be an aggressive person if they continue on this tangent. But if the other one was intentionally provoking them and being nasty, especially in front of you (the parents), you should have stepping in and stopped them.

Agreed.

At work (teacher), the provoker will always have a consequence but the kicker will always have a bigger consequence. A huge part of the process will involve explaining how everyone’s actions played a part in the event and the one who was kicked isn’t blameless if they were provoking. However, the kicker is always responsible for their actions and made the choice to kick rather than walk away or speak to an adult. Physical violence will never be acceptable.

YANBU, Dh needs to back you up.

@Hairthrowaway

Dunno, even if one of them was “provoked”, kicking is an extreme reaction. Resorting to violence is not acceptable, frankly they’ll grow up to be an aggressive person if they continue on this tangent. But if the other one was intentionally provoking them and being nasty, especially in front of you (the parents), you should have stepping in and stopped them.

I don't think a once-in-their-life-so-far kick to a sibling is an especially destructive tangent when they immediately got bollocked for it. Little bit of a reach there.

As for stepping in, you're right, I should have done it more quickly. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and as I've mentioned before, they're well-behaved DC so I rarely have this kind of issue. Next time I'll know to intervene more quickly. Live and learn.

Yanbu. No ice cream today means no ice cream today. Not "you can't have this ice cream in my hand until tomorrow but you can have another ice cream when the van comes"

Your dh is being silly. And I would be glad the dc are in a huff. Bugs me more when a consequence doesn't bother them

[quote FudgeBrownie2019]@BeingATwatItsABingThing both of them were being ridiculous, doing that low-level teasing thing. The'd played a board game earlier where there was an accusation of cheating and the one who kicked was being teased by the one who'd accused him of cheating, lost his temper and lashed out.

Neither has set foot inside a shop since early March but we'd been out to get their hair cut so popped in on our way home to grab some lunch and essentials. As I said, they're generally very well-behaved and I'd assumed they'd grown out of the squabbling, but clearly me buying a loaf of bread and dithering over tomatoes was too much for them.

On the plus side it's very quiet here.[/quote]
My sister (older than me) and I were generally well behaved children. We get on really well now and did mostly as children.

However, I once wound my sister up so much that she launched herself at me and wrapped her hands around my neck. My mum watched the whole thing and didn’t even know what to do beyond getting her off me because it was so out of character for my sister.

"and I have been told that neither of them plans to speak to me again til I am very old."

Not even to ask for an ice cream?

Omg @Hairthrowaway what hysterical rot. You did the right thing OP, as another poster said ice cream is extra, it’s not like you are denying them sustenance. It’s hard to follow through especially when you get the sulks so we’ll done, you deserve an ice cream.

@Hairthrowaway

Dunno, even if one of them was “provoked”, kicking is an extreme reaction. Resorting to violence is not acceptable, frankly they’ll grow up to be an aggressive person if they continue on this tangent. But if the other one was intentionally provoking them and being nasty, especially in front of you (the parents), you should have stepping in and stopped them.

Can I clarify that when I said I agreed, I was not talking about this part:

“they’ll grow up to be an aggressive person”

Misbehaving in shops is my big bear. I usually have 4 with me and my death stare generally guarantees no messing about.
Yanbu to have kept to your word op.
When you have lots of dc being feisty as I am known is necessary!!

NO ice cream, job done.! children have to learn about the outcome of some bad behaviour. I have seen many a parent go into an angry shouting state when a child misbehaves, the child then cries, and the parent then gives them some chocolate or sweets,as they feel sorry for the child.!!

Super Mum ! Stand your ground and a lesson learnt ! Power to you !

@PlanDeRaccordement

Bit extreme to deny ice cream on basis of a kick and calling the kicker a “knob” And why should the victim of being kicked get punished at all? Much less to same degree. Calling someone who has kicked you a “knob” is understandable abd shouldn’t be punished with same consequence as actually kicking someone,

This is why there are so many louts around these days. This behaviour is seen as perfectly normal and expected. And to be rewarded with ice creams.

You're doing well, op, stand you're ground.

@1forAll74

NO ice cream, job done.! children have to learn about the outcome of some bad behaviour. I have seen many a parent go into an angry shouting state when a child misbehaves, the child then cries, and the parent then gives them some chocolate or sweets,as they feel sorry for the child.!!

I have a friend who does this - she's lovely but in her own words "never wants them to feel sad" so the moment they cry she'll give them the earth to make them happy. We went on a trip with them last summer and watched as her youngest one had a cry in the gift shop because she wanted the world's biggest orang-utan teddy she'd been told no to, then suddenly the orang-utan was sat in the back of their car travelling home with them.

I understand in the sense that nobody actively seeks to make their DC unhappy, but at the same time I don't want them to believe that they can simply do as they please because I'll back down.

your

@Thisismytimetoshine where was there a mention of anyone being rewarded with ice cream for a kick? Where was there a mention of kicking being part of their normal behaviour?

I'm with those who say this was extremely unfair on the child who was kicked (only half joking), especially if they did nothing in the first place. I'm still bearing childhood grudges against my brother, who would deliberately wind me up, and then I would be punished for retaliating, and often he would not be punished at all.

And I once followed through on my threat not to speak to him or my parents for a long time. They were practically pleading with me to open my mouth.

I usually agree with following through with consequences, but I do feel sorry for the one who was kicked having the same punishment as the kicker. I don't think you can complain that they used the word 'knob' though as they obviously get that word from you: 'The DC behaved like utter knobs in a shop today'

[quote FudgeBrownie2019]@Thisismytimetoshine where was there a mention of anyone being rewarded with ice cream for a kick? Where was there a mention of kicking being part of their normal behaviour?[/quote]
I was responding to the poster who claimed it was unfair to deny them ice creams...
I did say you were right to do what you did, I would do exactly the same thing.

As a one off it's fair enough - you say it then you have to follow through.

In future though I wouldn't punish that incident equally. The kicker was definitely worse. I learned that the hard way. One of mine kicked, the other called them a horrible name and they both got punished. Next time one kicked the other one booted him back because "I'm going to get the same trouble anyway". Not my finest parenting moment because it was true.

@Thisismytimetoshine sorry, I thought you were telling me off!
I saw after I responded that you'd posted again!

Just saw this on FB 😂

I don't tend to go in for food being a reward, either, but it came out of my mouth before I'd run it past my filtee

Ice cream isn't food it's a treat and they are totally ok as something you can restrict or use as a reward for good behaviour.

"...and I have been told that neither of them plans to speak to me again til I am very old..."

Yay - peace and quiet! Result.

Being serious, though - I think you are doing the right thing by following through on the consequence you've given them, even though you are imposing it on the kicker and the kickee - whilst it is not unreasonable to call someone a knob for kicking you, there are better words they could have used in the circumstances.

And in the grand scheme of things, no icecream for a day is not really going to score high in the list of cruel and unusual punishments.

@CeibaTree - is it not possible that @FudgeBrownie2019 has used the word knob on this thread, but does not use it within her children's earshot? I use a number of sweary words on here that I wouldn't utter if children were nearby - so you may want to let the judgy knickers down a shade.

Definitely no ice cream, always follow through.
Sometimes we blurt out an inappropriate punishment (which i dont think this one is) in the heat of the moment, but its still important to follow through, otherwise they will remember you caved next time.
I dont agree with punishing them seperately. Its difficult with siblings, because we dont see everything thats going on. The 'kicker' might have been provoked all morning or the day before and then in the shop just snapped. we have a very strict 'work it out between yourselves or i will work it out for you' and if i have to sort it, they get the same consequence.