Step-parenting

[wornoutmama1]

I am aware I'm letting myself in for a potential roasting here but I'm ready for some home truths, good or bad!

Also NC for this as I'm feeling a little exposed!

Me and my husband are on the verge of splitting up over parenting, especially when it comes to my stepchildren. He has 2 children 15&13 and we have 18 month twins, all boys! We've been together 11 years, I met the kids when they were 3 and 5 so I've been around a long time.

I know there's a significant age gap, but his parenting between his and our kids are completely different. He has a lot of guilt when it comes to his kids, he cheated on their mum and left them (not with me btw!) and he has compensated ever since he is very harsh on our kids, sometimes overly so!

My stepsons aren't, and never have been naughty horrible kids.. but they're at that horrible teenage/attitude/thoughtless stage.. The eldest wants to be independent, likes to cook his own meals etc which is fine, but I've said if he chooses to eat different meals/times to us then he makes sure he cleans up after himself. He doesn't at all. Both of them take food/drinks into the living room/bedrooms and just drop wrappers on the floor. Drinks get spilt because they're left on the floor and the young ones get hold of them. I've asked for them to take their cups back and put rubbish in the bin but it gets ignored. The other day the eldest made lunch and left the kitchen a mess again, they both had lunch in the lounge there was half a sandwich trodden into the carpet and crisp packets on the floor.. so I said enough they aren't allowed to take food out of the kitchen at all until they can be trusted to tidy up after themselves. That evening I come down from putting the babies to bed and my husband has been to the shop brought sweets and treats and they're all sat in the lounge eating.. I said we aren't having food in here and he just said stop being boring we're watching a film it's a treat.
The next day my husband left a crisp packet on the coffee table, the toddler picked it up and threw it on the floor and he got shouted at, made to pick it up and take it to the bin. So I said how come it's ok for your 15 yr old to do it but an 18month old gets shouted at for it. He went off on one saying it's completely different because the baby meant to do it where as the eldest just don't think.

I refuse to be everyone's maid. If they're old enough to cook a meal, they're old enough to clean up after themselves. It isn't too much to ask to put rubbish in the bin not the floor, I know these things aren't major but they need to be addressed. The youngest stepson is so lazy, he cannot eat with a knife and fork, he can't tie shoe laces, he has everything done for him and I'm trying to push some independence but if you try and make him do something he'll cry and then my husband will say he doesn't need to. This is simple things like, help clear the table after dinner, get the cutlery out and set the table. I haven't got him scrubbing toilets, I don't believe for one minute he can't do things, but he knows how to play it get out of it!

Anyway my husband had ago at me last night and it ended in a row, he said I'm too hard on them and pick on them and it needs to stop. I said to him he cannot pick and chose when I parent them and when I don't. He can't allow me to do nice things for them but intervene when I put some rules in. I'm far from evil stepmum. I'm always treating them, recognising their achievements. The eldest was really helpful with the babies recently which allowed me to catch up on work I'd got behind with, I really appreciated it so I told him to pick some trainers and I'd treat him. I paid for the youngest Xbox internet because it had ran out. I have savings accounts for both of them which I've been saving in for 8years which will go to help buying a car when they are 17. My husband will happily let me spend £145 on trainers but when I say no to something he overrides me.

None of this is their fault. It's all him but I'm becoming so frustrated with the whole thing that I can't really be bothered to be around any of them and that isn't fair.

AIBU and expecting too much of them? Should they get away with things because we only have them weekends?

You shouldn't get a roasting for this. Your husband needs to stop being a Disney dad and overcompensating for mistakes he's made in the past, and be a proper parent. Standards for all.

He needs to also recognise his behaviour is driving you to distraction. Tell him the consequences, see how he reacts.

This is not on at all. I would be absolutely livid if sandwiches were getting trodden into my carpet or wrappers just thrown onto the floor and left by teenagers who are perfectly capable of not doing so.

This are all issues I have with my own kids, it’s totally ‘normal’ behaviour and it’s totally normal to tell them to sort their shit out. Your dh is being a total dick.

Why is he being harsh to 18 month old toddlers?

Your problem isn't actually your step-kids. It's your husband.

He's a shit Dad to both your step-kids and your kids.

I would struggle to stay married to someone who was "overly harsh" to an 18 month old.

He told you not to ‘be boring’ because you were trying to enforce a rule you’ve had to instigate because you are spending your days cleaning up after him and his thoughtless teenagers as well as looking after toddler twins? What a total cunt. The double standards and shit parenting are bad enough but speaking to you so disrespectfully, especially in front of other people is not on. There’s a reason they never listen to anything you say. Do you want your own twins coming out with shit like this at you? Because they will eventually. Bin him off

Why is he shouting at an 18 month old? This would bother me massively. My son is nearly 3 and I don't think I've ever shouted, a firm raised voice yes but never shouting. At 18 months they are still tiny ffs!!!

I can recognise where I have felt similar to you in the past. I found feeling that way so painful and also felt I couldn’t find a way other than finishing relationship...but I have found one.

You can’t change anyone else’s behaviour but you can change your reactions to their behaviour. At the moment the Situation is meeting their needs and not yours. By changing your reaction, it makes it so their needs no longer get met & that will always lead to change. I found it hard that they wouldn’t change for me but would change for themselves...but that is, I now feel, just how humans are wired. It’s not that they don’t care, more they don’t see it and can ignore it.

I have found that any trying to talk through things like this just leads to me feeling emotional and then losing the “emotions ping-pong” that results. My DH will always be better than me at leaving me with the emotions I started with and some of his too!

In my experience, he knows already - so wordy explanations of your viewpoint will never work. If you’re anything like me, your “damage” and upbringing will have left you a bit of a “rescuer” and through counselling and more recently following Mel Robbins & the holistic physiologist on Facebook, I have started to realise how much I contributed to continuing the cycle of situations I couldn’t bear. You’ve been together a long time so I would be hopeful you can work through this. It sounds as though you feel your DH has lots of deeply buried angst that it is just too painful for him to unpick at the moment. I have family members who are similar. I used to want them to face up to it and understand my point of view but I’ve realised that is my damage clashing with theirs. I now workout what I want to be different and try and get close to that without needing them to understand why I feel the way I do.

Eg toddler throwing packet on the floor, Dh getting cross. I would reply something like “I’m not going to ask the toddler to do something that isn’t expected of everyone else”. DH replies toddler was deliberate others lazy. I would reply “toddlers copy behaviour - that’s what they’re wired to do, they don’t analyse the reason why others have behaved that way. I am not comfortable telling them off for copying. If we agree that it’s not ideal they do it then the adults and near-adults in the house have to model the desired behaviour too. Any ‘do as I say and not as I do’ approach will lead to our kids hating us when they’re teens and rightly so”.

You need to have a talk with your dh without you both being angry something like.

We need to have some ground rules we both agree on that are the rules of the house. I would like for you and i to agree on this and then jointly stick to them how does this sound to you?

I think he sometimes expects too much of the babies and not enough of the older ones.
I treat my babies the same, even at 18 months old I teach them to pack their toys away and put their rubbish in in the bin. He says they'll grow up to be just like their brothers. I'm not stupid, I'm well aware my kids will grow up to be teenagers too, but I won't allow them to disrespect our home; they will of course, and there will be consequences to doing so. There are no consequences for his children.
He can't stand the idea of the older ones being mad at him or upsetting them as he says he's upset them enough.
With the babies he tells them off all the time.. they are naughty like all toddlers, they do things they shouldn't repeatedly. They should be told off for doing things that are naughty/wrong.. I don't disagree with him most the time. But it bugs me the older ones get away with everything. The baby picked up a can of coke of the floor and tipped it out..he got sent to the naughty step but my stepson, who left the can on the floor done no wrong. I tell them all the time to make sure things are out of reach of small hands. I don't think that's an unreasonable expectation of them at 13&15! A baby is exploring.. a 15yr old is not listening.. the baby should of been told no and sent to the naughty step, but the 15 yr old should of been told too.

@MadameButterface

He told you not to ‘be boring’ because you were trying to enforce a rule you’ve had to instigate because you are spending your days cleaning up after him and his thoughtless teenagers as well as looking after toddler twins? What a total cunt. The double standards and shit parenting are bad enough but speaking to you so disrespectfully, especially in front of other people is not on. There’s a reason they never listen to anything you say. Do you want your own twins coming out with shit like this at you? Because they will eventually. Bin him off

I said exactly this to him!! It may not be a conscious thought but I definitely feel my step sons think I don't need to listen to her dad will let us anyway.

I agree with everyone else, YANBU at all and there are so many things wrong with your husband's behaviour.

he got sent to the naughty step

Can’t believe there is a naughty step for 18 month olds.
Your husband is horrible

To be honest he wasn't much of a prince charming cheating on his wife when he had 2 young dc, I know you weren't the ow but shows the type of character he is. Hes happy for you to shell out for expensive shoes for his dc and very unkind to youre toddlers. I would be wondering if there's history repeating itself and he was very much like this with his wife and their young children.

I have a friend who has been through almost this exact scenario except they don’t have children of their own, also, he is male and it’s his DW who lets her child do as she wants.

Friend is the one who is always clearing up after them, always picking up and doing the washing up etc, throwing away empty packets and so on. And when he’s asked her DD not to eat in her room or throw stuff on the floor his DW tells him he can’t have a go at her.

So he stopped doing anything He stopped washing up, if plates got left in the lounge he left them there, it was a frustrating few days for him but suddenly the DW started to wonder why the house was a mess and become irritated by it. He told her that it was a mess because no-one was clearing up any more.

Since then she has done an about-turn, and she has become the one disciplining her daughter.

Perhaps this approach would work?

Teenagers are a bloody nightmare, but their father letting them do what they want is not helping.

@Enko

You need to have a talk with your dh without you both being angry something like.

We need to have some ground rules we both agree on that are the rules of the house. I would like for you and i to agree on this and then jointly stick to them how does this sound to you?

We do agree on consequences. I always go to him first so we can discuss and agree and way forward. I don't just put the rules in and expect him to follow what I say. We discussed no food/drinks outside the kitchen. He agreed. He always agrees with what I say. And he'll allow me to go tell them and he'll back me up as I tell them. But that's as far as it goes. He won't enforce it and if I try there will be an excuse.

Your husband sounds horrible!

Letting his older kids get away with such disgraceful behaviour is one thing - and modelling the same behaviour himself - but shouting at a toddler would be a massive no from me.

I’d leave him tbh.

Actually really sad for your poor toddlers reading this

Have you tried getting him to pick up after his kids on EVERY occasion.

Everytime there's a crisp packet left on the floor, a drink spilt, a trail of crumbs call him from wherever he is to pick it up/clean it up/tidy it away.

It doesn't matter if he's on the phone, in the shower, making dinner, whatever. If HE doesn't want his kids to clean up after themselves, then HE has to clean up after them, everytime.

I would also ask him how easy he thinks his life would be when he has 2 messy teenagers plus 2 x 18 months old to look after 50% of every week without you.

Because your life would get simpler without him and his kids, but his life would get a hell of a lot more difficult without you.

The can of coke/naughty step example is a really good indication of how far wrong your DH’s thinking is.

Your 18 month old was punished for picking up something that a 15 year old (who knows fine well not to leave cans on the floor where babies can get to them). There are no consequences for the young person who caused the problem. But punishment for the infant who just did exactly what you’d expect them to do if they come across a can on the floor.

If you’d left the can there, you’d have been annoyed with yourself much more than the baby. And rightly so.

Tbh, it sounds like he needs parenting classes so he can understand quite his wrong he is. The comment about the baby being naughty on purpose but the 15 year old just not thinking is so askew it suggests he has no grasp of child development whatsoever.

I don’t think I could live like you are @wornoutmama1. Your DH’s attitude is dreadful and it sounds like the situation is increasingly out of hand.

My DH also tends towards Disney-style fathering for the DSC. I do worry about this long term. I fear that his attitude towards DSD in particular (another issue I really struggle with is the disparity in how he treats and talks about DSD and DSS) will only get worse and her behaviour will deteriorate in response. They’re only 6 (DSD) and 3 now but I do wonder if, by the time DSD’s a teenager, I’ll have reached the end of my tether, as you are reaching yours.

Have you tried getting him to pick up after his kids on EVERY occasion. Everytime there's a crisp packet left on the floor, a drink spilt, a trail of crumbs call him from wherever he is to pick it up/clean it up/tidy it away

I would do this. I did similar with my own step children with things I'd asked them to do repeatedly like switch their TV off in their room when they were leaving it etc...

Instead of doing it myself when walking past, I'd call them from downstairs mid film or game to come and turn it off. They got the idea eventually that it was easier to just do it when they left the room originally than to be interrupted to do it all the time.

Shame it is lockdown otherwise, I would tell you to go away for a few days leaving him with all 4 kids. After you have informed that all your family and friends are informed that they must be too busy to help him. (Yes you will miss them but it's for their greater good.)

Though I suspect I guess what will happen - the older teenager will pull his socks up and be the one looking after the toddlers.

I think maybe I've come across a little wrong in terms of my babies.. when I say overly harsh I mean in comparison to the older ones. He is far from horrible to them. By shouting I didn't mean screaming shouting but being loud and firm.
The twins are 18 months, they're obviously at that age where they're often 'naughty' in at things they shouldn't be etc.. he picks up on every single thing the babies do, sometimes I'll say ok they're babies they don't understand you're a little harsh.. but he isn't nasty with it. But in comparison to the fact he never ever challenges the older children it drives me mad that he tells ours so often.
He does adore them, he spends hours playing with them. He'll feed them every night, he's mostly there at bath/bed time helping.. sometimes he does it all, sometimes I do. It's even.
I think my frustration has put him in a bad light in that respect. However, he is a dick I don't disagree with anything that's been said about how he treats the eldest or me, especially me and I'm really opening my eyes to it and wonder how I've allowed it to get to this stage.

I agree with you; my DSD is at a similar age of just being a bit thoughtless which I get is a normal stage but I’m not here to pick up after her and I know her mum doesn’t. My DH has backed me up on saying that food now has to be eaten in the kitchen and a few other things because there’s not a lot of respect for things in our house and I’ve worked really hard to have a nice home. I’m equally strict with my toddler DD. There are some things that we’re easier going on with DSD as we don’t want to spend the whole weekend going on at her but we try to agree on what our expectations are.
Being a step parent sometimes feels like the the worst of both worlds but as a foundation you and and your DH need to be on the same page.

We do agree on consequences. I always go to him first so we can discuss and agree and way forward. I don't just put the rules in and expect him to follow what I say. We discussed no food/drinks outside the kitchen. He agreed. He always agrees with what I say. And he'll allow me to go tell them and he'll back me up as I tell them. But that's as far as it goes. He won't enforce it and if I try there will be an excuse.

That sounds depressingly familiar.

It’s very, very hard to not get angry about this. Especially when you’re dealing with someone who will justify their lack of consistency and follow through with: but I only see them X amount of time; I want to be nice to them.

And more annoying when he then complains that the behaviour you’re trying to eliminate just perpetuates. For years.

I think, in your case, I’d do two things, explaining to DH that this is what will happen if he continues to refuse to address lazy teenage behaviour.

1. I’d refuse to tidy up or do anything about the mess. Let it accumulate and walk away. When your DH complains about it, tell him it’s his responsibility to sort it. He can either make his DC do it, or he can be their personal skivvy. His choice.

1. I’d refuse to punish the toddlers (or to allow him to). If they pour stuff on the ground or knock things over, I’d just say something like ‘oh, you’re copying your brothers’ or ‘wasn’t it silly of someone to have left that there’ (make sure your DH can hear this) and take them away to play or do something nice elsewhere. Leave your DH to clear any mess up (it is his mess because he’s assumed all responsibility for anything his DC leave lying around).

Agreeing an approach and then not following through is classic “passive aggressive” behaviour.

Calling any 18 month old’s behaviour “naughty” doesn’t sit well with me at all. Obviously, I’m making a judgement based on just the little information you’ve given, but I would be worried that treating young children like this will likely lead to internalised developmental issues - one possible example would be “toxic shame”.

I do wonder if this a family pattern and that your DH behaviour comes as result of his own “toxic shame”. Doesn’t in any way make it ok behaviour but shaming him further wouldn’t affect change if that is a key root cause. It is also possibly pertinent that your twins are the similar ages to the ages his older boys were it all went on wrong in his relationship with their mother.