Step-parenting

[wornoutmama1]

I am aware I'm letting myself in for a potential roasting here but I'm ready for some home truths, good or bad!

Also NC for this as I'm feeling a little exposed!

Me and my husband are on the verge of splitting up over parenting, especially when it comes to my stepchildren. He has 2 children 15&13 and we have 18 month twins, all boys! We've been together 11 years, I met the kids when they were 3 and 5 so I've been around a long time.

I know there's a significant age gap, but his parenting between his and our kids are completely different. He has a lot of guilt when it comes to his kids, he cheated on their mum and left them (not with me btw!) and he has compensated ever since he is very harsh on our kids, sometimes overly so!

My stepsons aren't, and never have been naughty horrible kids.. but they're at that horrible teenage/attitude/thoughtless stage.. The eldest wants to be independent, likes to cook his own meals etc which is fine, but I've said if he chooses to eat different meals/times to us then he makes sure he cleans up after himself. He doesn't at all. Both of them take food/drinks into the living room/bedrooms and just drop wrappers on the floor. Drinks get spilt because they're left on the floor and the young ones get hold of them. I've asked for them to take their cups back and put rubbish in the bin but it gets ignored. The other day the eldest made lunch and left the kitchen a mess again, they both had lunch in the lounge there was half a sandwich trodden into the carpet and crisp packets on the floor.. so I said enough they aren't allowed to take food out of the kitchen at all until they can be trusted to tidy up after themselves. That evening I come down from putting the babies to bed and my husband has been to the shop brought sweets and treats and they're all sat in the lounge eating.. I said we aren't having food in here and he just said stop being boring we're watching a film it's a treat.
The next day my husband left a crisp packet on the coffee table, the toddler picked it up and threw it on the floor and he got shouted at, made to pick it up and take it to the bin. So I said how come it's ok for your 15 yr old to do it but an 18month old gets shouted at for it. He went off on one saying it's completely different because the baby meant to do it where as the eldest just don't think.

I refuse to be everyone's maid. If they're old enough to cook a meal, they're old enough to clean up after themselves. It isn't too much to ask to put rubbish in the bin not the floor, I know these things aren't major but they need to be addressed. The youngest stepson is so lazy, he cannot eat with a knife and fork, he can't tie shoe laces, he has everything done for him and I'm trying to push some independence but if you try and make him do something he'll cry and then my husband will say he doesn't need to. This is simple things like, help clear the table after dinner, get the cutlery out and set the table. I haven't got him scrubbing toilets, I don't believe for one minute he can't do things, but he knows how to play it get out of it!

Anyway my husband had ago at me last night and it ended in a row, he said I'm too hard on them and pick on them and it needs to stop. I said to him he cannot pick and chose when I parent them and when I don't. He can't allow me to do nice things for them but intervene when I put some rules in. I'm far from evil stepmum. I'm always treating them, recognising their achievements. The eldest was really helpful with the babies recently which allowed me to catch up on work I'd got behind with, I really appreciated it so I told him to pick some trainers and I'd treat him. I paid for the youngest Xbox internet because it had ran out. I have savings accounts for both of them which I've been saving in for 8years which will go to help buying a car when they are 17. My husband will happily let me spend £145 on trainers but when I say no to something he overrides me.

None of this is their fault. It's all him but I'm becoming so frustrated with the whole thing that I can't really be bothered to be around any of them and that isn't fair.

AIBU and expecting too much of them? Should they get away with things because we only have them weekends?

I have to say I completely agree with ExtremelyBoldSquirrels regarding the can of coke.

My DD is a few months older than your DS's and I have to say it wouldn't occur to me to punish her for tipping up a can of coke that was left on the floor, beyond a firm "no". Surely the person that left it there is the only person being deliberately naughty? How do you even get an 18 month old to stay on a naughty step? There is absolutely no way my DD would stay on one, it's surely not a punishment for 1 year old's?

@ExtremelyBoldSquirrels Do you plan to have children together? These things weren't really an issue until I had my own. For me I expect them all to be treated the same but he's had this double standard that I hate. He gets defensive as though I'm being nasty to his children but it isn't about his children personally, it's how I'll expect my children to behave too and I'm sure I'll be equally exasperated with them when they reach teenage years! He doesn't see that.

I agree with most of what people have said. The bit about your 13 year SS old not being able to use cutlery or do laces does suggest dyspraxia rather than laziness though.

God no, this is not on and he needs to get them to pull their weight. None of what you have described is acceptable, and nor should it really be your job to get them to behave reasonably. Definitely sounds like classic divorce guilt but he's doing them no favours letting them get away with it.

We have a similar issue in that my stepsons have different rules at their mum's and they're expected to do nothing/house is a tip etc. But when they are here they are made to clean up after themselves (by their dad, not by me).

I agree with above.

Refuse to do ANYTHING for your husband and step children.

Pass it completely to your husband.

It's a pity it has come to this but it sounds as if you have been set up a the house skivvy.

The only person that can change this is you.

Feed the twins.
Leave the kitchen to be a mess until they clean it.

Expect nastiness from your husband because he sounds like a waste of space.

He either steps up/you accept your role as house skivvy/you look to separating.

It sounds awful OP.

@Love51 he has been assessed for dyspraxia. He doesn't have it. He literally has just never been taught these things. No one has ever taken the time to sit with him and tie laces and he's always been allowed to eat with his hands. I try and teach him these things but the tears start before he even attempts it and then I'm told no it's too stressful for him. He's treated like a baby by his mum. To the point where he's bathed with his 5 year old sister and put to bed at the same time as her. He's 13. It really isn't normal!

Stop cleaning up after them. From now on it's his job. He'll soon start caring. Why would he care when you tiy up anyway. Leave it in a shit tip. Work round their mess for just few days. It'll be stressful leaving the kitchen a mess but he needs to see what they're doing. Leave his mess aswell. From now on you look after yourself and your babies only.

Okay from the sounds of things the older boys are getting a raw deal for their mum and dad. Your expectations of them Are perfectly normal, their parents not so much.

Unfortunately it sounds like you will never win. Your husband will always feel guilty so will let them be teenage slobs in your house. The boys will take fully advantage - which is perfectly natural at that age.

Would you consider couples counselling? Maybe is someone else hears this he will understand how unreasonable and unfair he is being?

He sounds awful! My youngest is 19m and I don't believe a 19m can be naughty - they're babies, testing boundaries and exploring and learning. They don't tip cans all over the floor to be naughty ie to annoy their parents or cause a reaction - they want to see what will happen when they tip it upside down, they want to see the liquid pour out, its learning for them and its everyone else's responsibility to make sure they don't make messes like that and can learn and explore in an appropriate way. A naughty step for a 18m old is absolutely nuts, and we successfully used the naughty step for years with our older kids, but for deliberately hurting people or wilfully destroying stuff after warnings.

In terms of the older kids, they sound normal and just reacting to his shit parenting. I would leave - as a PP said, your life will get much easier and his will get much harder, which is what he deserves

@wornoutmama1 Perhaps ill-advisedly, yes. Any day now as it happens. The Disney dad like behaviour has come to the fore as an issue during the pregnancy though. He was definitely better previously (although in hindsight I should have been more aware of issues brewing) but then his ex (who is awful) pulled a denying contact stunt and he started panicking that he must be super nice to the kids (DSD in particular) or it might give his ex ammunition, or they’ll see this as not the ‘fun house’ and not want to come. So we are where we are. 😕

[quote wornoutmama1]@Love51 he has been assessed for dyspraxia. He doesn't have it. He literally has just never been taught these things. No one has ever taken the time to sit with him and tie laces and he's always been allowed to eat with his hands. I try and teach him these things but the tears start before he even attempts it and then I'm told no it's too stressful for him. He's treated like a baby by his mum. To the point where he's bathed with his 5 year old sister and put to bed at the same time as her. He's 13. It really isn't normal! [/quote]
That’s actually really upsetting to hear. And it must be hard to witness. Both your DH and his ex are seriously failing him as parents. And that can’t be doing anything positive for how you think of your DH.

Bathing a 13 year old boy and a 5 year old girl together is seriously weird. In fact, bathing a 13 year old boy is utterly weird. Surely he would be wanting to bathe or shower on his own - and you’d just leave him to it (from much younger than 13). But, even if you were going to bath your teenage son, you wouldn’t do it with a 5 year old girl. They both deserve privacy.

Yeah agree with others that both your husband and his ex are really doing a disservice to the 13 year old especially but also the 15 year old. As annoyed (rightly so) as you are about your twins, at least they have you guiding them and teaching them to be independent and respectful people where as your step sons aren't being taught proper social skills or how to look after themselves. Your husband is being very selfish and only thinking about himself and how cool he comes across to your step sons rather than parent them properly (the actual hard job) and help them to get on well in life.

Seems like he's got you right where he wants you - taking on all the parenting responsibilities for all the kids including financial.
All he has to do is pretend he's an equal, caring partner and parent.

He's a disney dad to his older kids, and despite all the money and energy you invest in them apparently you have no 'authority' when it actually matters in your own home.....

He's an abusive parent towards the younger dc and bullies them......

Yet you seem to think he's a good parent and partner............

@monkeymonkey2010 I haven't claimed he's a good partner at all. Far from it I don't defend him at all from that respect.
I think abusive father is taking it to the extreme.. I agree his parenting skills aren't perfect and willing to accept some views I hadn't considered but abusive isn't fair. Towards me, possibly could be considered that, I have a fair bit to reflect on.

OP,

He certainly does not sound like a good parent and he certainly doesn't sound as if he's suiting anyone but himself.

You sound great.
You sound as if you are carrying the load, alone.

Only you can decide how and what your future will look like.

@wornoutmama1

He's treated like a baby by his mum. To the point where he's bathed with his 5 year old sister and put to bed at the same time as her. He's 13. It really isn't normal!**
No it's not normal - or healthy. I wonder what Social Services would make of this? What on Earth is she thinking - and is the child's father challenging this? If not, why not?

I'm afraid I agree that your DH is an inconsistent father to all four children - and so much harm is already being done to the 13 year old now and for the future. He cannot reasonably expect to be there just for the fun bits in their lives. How does this help them to build their future lives?

What do you plan to do now OP?

@Happynow001 I think it's just easier to be that way. It's difficult to parent children at different ages/stages. So at his mums he's treated like the younger one or left to his own devices. I've argued it so many times but again I'm told I'm too critical and he will learn in time.

I've had the niggling feeling for sometime now but I've pushed it to one side and got on. I think lockdown has really bought things to the surface and whereas before I'd be out and about doing things I've been stuck at home 24/7 working from home and trying to look after the twins alone as his work has continued as normal.
I'm past the point of wanting to even bother talking or reasoning. I wasn't sure which way this post would go but seeing as not one single person has told me I'm wrong then I don't see what more I can do.
I'd rather be on my own than with someone who is happy to belittle and undermine me.

@wornoutmama1 I cannot imagine anyone telling you that you’re in the wrong.

It sounds like there are even bigger issues around how your DH treats you, as well as the issues around his poor and inconsistent parenting. No one would blame you for deciding you’ve had enough and that it would be easier to do it alone.

My ex was exactly like this & still is - treats his eldest & our DD very differently even though we are no longer together.

I’m sorry but it’s one of the main reasons I left him - I know that’s not helpful but just wanted to let you know how common this is & totally understand how infuriating it is.

Communication with your DH is the only way forward.

@wornoutmama1

I'd rather be on my own than with someone who is happy to belittle and undermine me.

I'm sorry to hear that, but not surprised.

If you are seriously thinking this way, do your homework on how that would work for you if you decided to go forward without him.

Discretely take legal and financial advice:

www.entitledto.co.uk,

www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

and gather information about your consolidated finances to see what financial agreement would like for you if:when you separated.

You don't need to do anything with this information if you don't wish to - but knowing your position may give you confidence if you, at some stage, decide you've had enough. 🌹

Pull the plug on the tv/xbox/router every time they leave food or drink on the floor or within reach of the smalls. Even if the babies haven't reached it yet. Literally, no warning and do it everytime. So that their progress on games isn't saved etc. Do it repeatedly until it becomes very boring for them. Kids can be thoughtless and lazy but this is beyond that. If they have the energy to get snacks and drinks out then they also have the energy to clear away the cups and rubbish. What if one if your babies choked on something??

Op he was having an affair when his dc were babies and young children. He seems intolerant towards youre 18month olds, sounds like he doesn't like being around young childen. I wouldn't be surprised if his eye starting wandering he sounds awful an is abusive. That's not how you deal with babies puttinf them on a naughty step for picking something up a teenager left. Digusting.

Update.. we've just had a conversation and he didn't apologise as such but he said he can see where he is wrong. He said from now on he will enforce the rules I create but they apply to everyone in the house including us.
So I said absolutely not. If I want to sit in my lounge, in my house that I pay for, clean and maintain with a cup of tea then I will. I'm not being put out because his children cannot respect the rules. The consequence is for them for their actions, not for everyone else.
Have you actually ever heard anything so ridiculous.
I'm so angry.. I don't even want to try and see a way back anymore!!

Haven’t RTFT so apologies if this has already been said but he sounds like a complete arsehole. He’s treating his sons like flatmates and you as some annoying mother figure who just constantly nags them. He’s absolutely failing at parenting them. I’d be livid if I was you too OP.

I’d be livid too @wornoutmama1. It’s like he refuses to accept that you are the adults in the situation and are allowed to exercise authority over what happens in your house.

Why should you be bound by the rules for lazy teenagers, simply because their father cannot bring himself to act like a parent?

Also: they’re not rules you made up. They’re rules you discussed with him and agreed together. He needs to accept responsibility for parental discipline.