I am aware I'm letting myself in for a potential roasting here but I'm ready for some home truths, good or bad!
Also NC for this as I'm feeling a little exposed!
Me and my husband are on the verge of splitting up over parenting, especially when it comes to my stepchildren. He has 2 children 15&13 and we have 18 month twins, all boys! We've been together 11 years, I met the kids when they were 3 and 5 so I've been around a long time.
I know there's a significant age gap, but his parenting between his and our kids are completely different. He has a lot of guilt when it comes to his kids, he cheated on their mum and left them (not with me btw!) and he has compensated ever since he is very harsh on our kids, sometimes overly so!
My stepsons aren't, and never have been naughty horrible kids.. but they're at that horrible teenage/attitude/thoughtless stage.. The eldest wants to be independent, likes to cook his own meals etc which is fine, but I've said if he chooses to eat different meals/times to us then he makes sure he cleans up after himself. He doesn't at all. Both of them take food/drinks into the living room/bedrooms and just drop wrappers on the floor. Drinks get spilt because they're left on the floor and the young ones get hold of them. I've asked for them to take their cups back and put rubbish in the bin but it gets ignored. The other day the eldest made lunch and left the kitchen a mess again, they both had lunch in the lounge there was half a sandwich trodden into the carpet and crisp packets on the floor.. so I said enough they aren't allowed to take food out of the kitchen at all until they can be trusted to tidy up after themselves. That evening I come down from putting the babies to bed and my husband has been to the shop brought sweets and treats and they're all sat in the lounge eating.. I said we aren't having food in here and he just said stop being boring we're watching a film it's a treat.
The next day my husband left a crisp packet on the coffee table, the toddler picked it up and threw it on the floor and he got shouted at, made to pick it up and take it to the bin. So I said how come it's ok for your 15 yr old to do it but an 18month old gets shouted at for it. He went off on one saying it's completely different because the baby meant to do it where as the eldest just don't think.
I refuse to be everyone's maid. If they're old enough to cook a meal, they're old enough to clean up after themselves. It isn't too much to ask to put rubbish in the bin not the floor, I know these things aren't major but they need to be addressed. The youngest stepson is so lazy, he cannot eat with a knife and fork, he can't tie shoe laces, he has everything done for him and I'm trying to push some independence but if you try and make him do something he'll cry and then my husband will say he doesn't need to. This is simple things like, help clear the table after dinner, get the cutlery out and set the table. I haven't got him scrubbing toilets, I don't believe for one minute he can't do things, but he knows how to play it get out of it!
Anyway my husband had ago at me last night and it ended in a row, he said I'm too hard on them and pick on them and it needs to stop. I said to him he cannot pick and chose when I parent them and when I don't. He can't allow me to do nice things for them but intervene when I put some rules in. I'm far from evil stepmum. I'm always treating them, recognising their achievements. The eldest was really helpful with the babies recently which allowed me to catch up on work I'd got behind with, I really appreciated it so I told him to pick some trainers and I'd treat him. I paid for the youngest Xbox internet because it had ran out. I have savings accounts for both of them which I've been saving in for 8years which will go to help buying a car when they are 17. My husband will happily let me spend £145 on trainers but when I say no to something he overrides me.
None of this is their fault. It's all him but I'm becoming so frustrated with the whole thing that I can't really be bothered to be around any of them and that isn't fair.
AIBU and expecting too much of them? Should they get away with things because we only have them weekends?