Who's being AIBU? Wedding related

[throwaway50]

Destination wedding next year booked pre covid. All guests already booked. Not much we can do until closer to the time, most people still happy to come. DH had a phone call from his mum saying she feels terrible but wants to give us as much notice as poss that she isn't going to come. She feels at her age she's high risk and isn't willing to take the flight, she knows it's a while away yet but she's made her mind up. She isn't coming.

DH is devastated, but says to me straight away, quite matter of fact that we have to call the wedding off. I get it, it's awful that she can't come but it's her choice. We have over 30 over guests who have paid and will lose their deposits, we cannot cancel the whole thing because of one person even if it is his mum?

He's fuming that I don't agree. Help?

I totally agree with you. It is awful for him and his dm but you can't cancel. Is it possible to have a small ceremony here that his dm would feel comfortable attending?

Maybe ask the other guests if they would mind moving it to the UK? They might not be happy either travelling in a plane or going abroad at all. The deposits maybe aren't much, I'd rather lose that than possibly get covid.

Wow, I think that's a total overreaction from your DP!

There's no way I could cancel my wedding for one (albeit important) guest, especially if I was going to cause all kinds of stress for another 30 people!

I'm sure your venue will be able to organise a Skype/video call for his mum.

YANBU

I wouldn't want to get married without my mum there so I do understand where he is coming from. But you cant just cancelled and (I assume) refund everyone's deposit unless you're loaded.
Are you actually getting legally married in the destination or are you having a ceremony and getting legally married here? Could you make the legal ceremony in the UK (if you're having one) more of a big deal and include close family?

How about having a quick registry office thing in the UK before going to have your wedding party abroad? You can have a blessing ceremony abroad, rather than the legal bits.

I think give it a bit of time. Everyone is anxious and I agree you can't cancel unless you are in a position to refund all of the guests who will lose money.

Hopefully once the initial shock has worn off he'll see sense. Atm he is incredibly upset his mum won't come understandably. Plus by next year she may feel a bit more positive and change her mind and come still anyway.

A lot can change over the next few months so I'd give it a bit of time before making any decisions. I don't think either of YABU. Just stressed and emotional.

I understand he would be disappointed but you can't cancel the whole thing because of one person

Crikey she's being a bit premature - they might have a vaccine by then! I think if I were you, I'd keep the whole thing on ice.

Email everyone, tell them as you don't know what will happen between now and then, you're just going to wait and see - but perhaps suggest no one books any flights until you know a bit more, as it may have to be cancelled? I think that's all you can do really.

If it does come to it, you could always have a registry office ceremony in the UK followed by a big knees up abroad, couldn't you?

Take a few days to think about it. She wont be the only one who is feeling anxious about this.

Put it all down on paper and see what the various options look like.

The wedding will have cost you and your guests quite a lot. It may be possible for the same budget to cancel and have something less stressful but local.

When you say booked, what does that mean? Has everyone paid in full?

If 30 of the people closest to you are going to lose a substantial amount of money then you can't just cancel it for one person, even if it is his mum. Have you talked to your other guests to get a feel for their comfort levels with traveling next year?

If it was me, I'd do a legal ceremony here first with a really nice lunch afterwards so his mum is at the important bit, then go ahead with the destination wedding.

Your DP is being unreasonable.

His mum can make whatever choice she wants, though it seems a bit premature to make the call now.

What your DP should be saying to his mum: "We're really sorry to hear that, though we understand. Why don't you leave it until nearer the time before cancelling anything, just in case you decide to change your mind? We'd love to have you there and it would be such a shame if you couldn't rebook the flights nearer the time."

Very complicated and everyone's points of view are understandable, I think that unless you or his DM are going to stump up and cover the costs of everyone's deposits, you would be unreasonable to cancel, particularly at this stage.

How much are the deposits and when are the balances due? Presumably as booked pre-Covid, you all have insurance which covers you if it's not allowed to go ahead?

I think once he's calmed down, you might find a way to do something in the UK to include MIL.

Also, she doesn't need to give you 'as much notice as possible' unless she's expecting you to change everything. I think it's possible that she is trying to manipulate the situation to get you to cancel. Just make it very clear that you won't be cancelling or changing the plans, that you still want her to come, but that if she chooses not to, it's her choice.

Actually, I’m with your future MIL and H on this one. I don’t think a destination wedding is sensible under current circumstances.

I don’t think the Mum sounds manipulative, she sound worried like lots of people are are right now. It wouldn’t be fair to her to make her wait to make a decision because it’s obviously causing her stress just now, and she wants to be able to stop worrying about it.

I agree you can’t cancel when so many other people have already paid, but you could still have the destination wedding along with a small ceremony here that his Mum could attend.

Couldn't be bothered about the stress on a destination wedding, especially now. I'd book something here and look to reimburse friends lost deposits.

He's BVU

Your DF needs to understand that it's not on to cause your other guests to lose money through no fault of their own. If there's a way of cancelling so that everyone gets their deposit back that's one thing, but to knowingly cost your friends and family money? No.

Could you have a register office do before you fly? Or is your future mil religious, in which case maybe she'd enjoy a blessing ceremony pre-wedding?

'Also, she doesn't need to give you 'as much notice as possible' unless she's expecting you to change everything. I think it's possible that she is trying to manipulate the situation to get you to cancel.'

How on Earth did you reach this

I think she sounds concerned and wanted to be upfront.

Call the wedding off? Like totally? Total overreaction on his part.

I'd call his bluff and pretend I thought he wanted to break up.

The only people really needed at a wedding are the bride and groom, the registrar and witnesses. So you could do the legal ceremony in the uk and then go for your destination party, his mother will have been able to see the important part.

@HeddaGarbled

Actually, I’m with your future MIL and H on this one. I don’t think a destination wedding is sensible under current circumstances.

Not much we can do about that when it's already booked. Not everyone can afford to lose the money like she can.

You should have a legal regsitry office wedding here and a nice lunch followed by a symbolic wedding abroad.

What if your venue could set up a video link so his mum can watch from home?