Who's being AIBU? Wedding related

[throwaway50]

Destination wedding next year booked pre covid. All guests already booked. Not much we can do until closer to the time, most people still happy to come. DH had a phone call from his mum saying she feels terrible but wants to give us as much notice as poss that she isn't going to come. She feels at her age she's high risk and isn't willing to take the flight, she knows it's a while away yet but she's made her mind up. She isn't coming.

DH is devastated, but says to me straight away, quite matter of fact that we have to call the wedding off. I get it, it's awful that she can't come but it's her choice. We have over 30 over guests who have paid and will lose their deposits, we cannot cancel the whole thing because of one person even if it is his mum?

He's fuming that I don't agree. Help?

Agree with PPs. Have two weddings. Legal here and blessing overseas.

Talk to your other guests. There might be quite a few worrying about it and thinking of not going. I know I would be, although I wouldn't tell you as I'd be waiting to see how things develop.

This. I'm betting she isn't only person worried about it. Where and when is it?

His mum might also have concerns over travel insurance. I know that, due to underlying conditions, if I wanted to be covered for covid I would be looking at a premium of many thousands of pounds. There is no way I could afford that or afford to get stuck in another country for weeks.

You are not being u reasonable. His mum needs to calm down a bit. Next year is a long way off and most people I know Re going on holiday abroad in the next month anyway so next year is hardly an issue. Like you say, you cant leave guests out of pocket when they've already booked and paid. Stunned at some people on here saying cancel usually mumsnetters are foaming at the mouth if they have to book a hotel for one night for a wedding so to suggest people loose an entire holiday seems a complete 360

@user1471457751

His mum might also have concerns over travel insurance. I know that, due to underlying conditions, if I wanted to be covered for covid I would be looking at a premium of many thousands of pounds. There is no way I could afford that or afford to get stuck in another country for weeks.

Travel insurance should have been purchased at the time of booking and thus covid would be covered.

What would you do if he calls it off altogether?
Everyone would still be out money.

OP how would you feel if it was your mum?
It's a tricky one
How old is his mum?

When is the wedding? Unless it's in late winter/very early spring I'd honestly just wait a little while and see where we are then. Things could have changed hugely in a variety of ways. The destination could be in the middle of a high wave of infections and you have no choice but to cancel. Where you live could be in the middle of a high wave of infections and you'll have no choice but to cancel as you won't be accepted at the destination. Or just as likely, possibly most likely of all. A vaccination has been rolled out and travel is so close to normal again that it's barely an issue. No need to waste energy and cause arguments by stressing about a situation you absolutely can't predict now.

What's his suggestion for 30 guests losing their non-refundable deposits?

Is he proposing that you both cover the money that people would lose?

@regulus

It wouldn't cover you cancelling because you don't feel comfortable travelling just in case you caught something

If you're going to cancel and it will leave your guests out if pocket then you should cover their costs.

That’s seems a bit OTT if I’m honest. Maybe it’s just a knee jerk reaction? Give it a week or so then broach the subject again maybe? Is their deeper mum/son tied-to-the-apron-strings issues here or is he just upset?

I’m with your DP too and would cancel. Destination weddings just put the costs onto guests, tie up precious annual leave and force a holiday destination on people without factoring in unnecessary travel during a pandemic. I’d have cancelled already.

His mum won’t be the only one anxious re travelling but many likely won’t admit to it outright to the couple.

If it were your mum and he refused to change plans to accommodate her coming would you still go ahead? I wouldn’t.

Where is the wedding?

Could you imagine booking leave and putting down a hefty deposit to get a “sorry mum doesn’t want to come so 🤷🏻‍♀️ Weddings off”

I wouldn’t attended your new at home wedding after now either just purely losing money or having to now continue to pay for it to have a holiday in a place you picked that’s highly likely to not be somewhere I would pick. Ouch!

What's DPs solution to refunding everyone their deposits?

I think when the wedding is is relevant here - January 2021 is very different to December 2021. If it's more than a year away she's being a bit OTT - there could be a vaccine by then.

I wouldn't be very happy if I had shelled out money to attend a destination wedding and it was cancelled and I lost money.

If you cancel now you will lose money. If you wait, and Covid is really bad, you may find the wedding is cancelled for you and you and your guests may not lose any money.

DH and I's honeymoon was cancelled in March due to Covid - the country we were due to go to closed their borders to Brits, and the UK Government advised Brits not to travel abroad unless essential and we got all our money back.

I would never have got married without my DM there. Not a chance. So I understand his view.

Partner is unreasonable.

I can understand why he would be devastated by his mum not being there, but people - a lot of people - have paid money! Imagine how pissed they will be if they found you were cancelling because of one person.

Give him some time to calm down, often people can say something in the heat of the moment then once they have had some time to think about things and they realise they maybe didn’t look at the whole picture.

Where is the wedding?
A few of us have asked. It would help to know.

His mum needs to calm down a bit

That's unfair. Next year is a long way off, but why plan for something that has a good chance of not happening? I'd cut my losses.

Destination weddings are always a nightmare.

But if other guests are happy to go and paid etc you can't cancel as they might lose their money and it's not fair to mess them around.

Maybe just don't get legally married in the "destination" and do that bit with MIL in the UK when you get back, that way she is there for the most important part.

Have the wedding here and the party in the destination. Contact your guests and let them know of the revised plan, and say that they'd be welcome at either.

The deposits are lost money at this stage. If you really think that at this stage you would rather cancel and not go were it not for the other people's deposits, then you need to look at it again.

Each attendee will have to pay considerably more than they have already paid to attend and may prefer to wave good bye to the deposit and have a ow risk event in the UK instead.

I think the missing info here is, where is it and when is it? A lot could change again over the next few months (for better or worse). By early next year we could be in a second wave or we could have a vaccine. I think it’s premature for your MIL to cancel so early, but you might want to think that if things don’t get better there may be other guests who may cancel nearer the time.