Who's being AIBU? Wedding related

[throwaway50]

Destination wedding next year booked pre covid. All guests already booked. Not much we can do until closer to the time, most people still happy to come. DH had a phone call from his mum saying she feels terrible but wants to give us as much notice as poss that she isn't going to come. She feels at her age she's high risk and isn't willing to take the flight, she knows it's a while away yet but she's made her mind up. She isn't coming.

DH is devastated, but says to me straight away, quite matter of fact that we have to call the wedding off. I get it, it's awful that she can't come but it's her choice. We have over 30 over guests who have paid and will lose their deposits, we cannot cancel the whole thing because of one person even if it is his mum?

He's fuming that I don't agree. Help?

Even as a fit, white, slim 40-something I wouldn't much fancy being committed to going to a wedding abroad just now, especially if it was a longhaul destination (you don't say where yours is). In fact I'd be dreading it and trying to put it out of my mind for the time being, rather than looking forward to it. It's quite possible your other guests might be feeling the same.
If you rearranged things for getting married with the same guests but in this country, is there any way you would be able to cover the cost of the lost deposits as part of your wedding budget? As a guest, I'd be mighty pissed off if you left me out of pocket due to changed plans (unless insurance will cover it). I think that's the only answer.
Or push on ahead and do it abroad as you planned, but without his mum and possibly other guests too. That won't make anyone happy either, will it?
What about cancelling the wedding part (and doing that here) but keeping the holiday as your private honeymoon? I would think it very likely you could arrange a blessing on the beach or wherever you were planning. That way you get the wedding with your family members and loved ones, but also the romance of your special location without putting guests in an awkward position.
What a difficult situation for everyone involved Weddings are supposed to bring joy, not anxiety and sadness to participants and guests. Sometimes it's better to keep things simple. People are much more important than place or trimmings.

Not everyone can afford to lose the money like she can

I don't think that's fair. She's obviously very worried about it. I don't think, in this case, it's about losing money. And if there are those who can't afford that sort of money one wonders why they are forming it out in the first place.

Forking

Does she usually behave like this? It seems a bit premature to tell your son you're not attending his wedding next year!

Honestly, I bet all your guests are hoping you cancel.

They must all be fairly well off as I don’t know 30 people who would attend a destination wedding...!

Could you set up a zoom call with a few of your closets friends and see how they all honestly feel?

What is her issue? If it is only the plane then perhaps look at alternative travel options - perhaps ferry and train or train vie the tunnel and train?

If your friends honestly can’t afford to lose deposits then they will be terrified of quarantine being imposed.

It is likely to be all socially distanced with masks.

It could be a nightmare.

It'd help to know where it is and exactly when.

Why don’t you get formally married here in a registry office with her in attendance then still do the “big wedding” abroad but don’t sign papers. No one will know you are already married.

@LouiseTrees

Why don’t you get formally married here in a registry office with her in attendance then still do the “big wedding” abroad but don’t sign papers. No one will know you are already married.

Because why should all the people who have travelled to see OP get married, not actually see OP get married??

Video stream it for her.

bridgetreilly
Also, she doesn't need to give you 'as much notice as possible' unless she's expecting you to change everything
If shes not going - then of course she needs to be up front about it

Talk to your other guests. There might be quite a few worrying about it and thinking of not going. I know I would be, although I wouldn't tell you as I'd be waiting to see how things develop.

I would do as pp said. Have a registry office ceremony before you go that she can come to and a dinner out. Then have your lovely wedding abroad and she can watch via zoom.

I agree you shouldn't cancel it for her. Covid maybe, when and where are you planning to get married, is it long haul?

@3catsandadog

You should have a legal regsitry office wedding here and a nice lunch followed by a symbolic wedding abroad.

Completely agree. You still have to go - all your guests are going, but have a small registry office wedding with your families first and a big party at your destination.

A threat to cancel could also (worst case scenario) be seen by his mum as spiteful/blackmail ("look mum, if you don't come, we're going to be putting all these other people out"). No comment on you or her, I just know if this was my mum she would be appalled that her not coming meant we cancelled for everyone. I would be the same.

Maybe he, too, is relieved to have the option to cancel, but can't quite bring himself to admit this?
Whose idea was 'destination wedding' in the first place?

It’s an awful situation but I’m with you that you can’t just cancel and have everyone lose their money based on one person even if it is his mum.

If he decides to cancel it then he would need to offer to pay the deposits back to everyone going as it’s not fair that they lose out because he had decided it can’t be held there.

With regards to your future MIL she’s obviously scared with the whole COVID thing but I do think she’s being quite early in cancelling as next year is still far away and lots can happen between then and now. The reality is life will have to resume at some point.

@onalongsabbatical

Maybe he, too, is relieved to have the option to cancel, but can't quite bring himself to admit this? Whose idea was 'destination wedding' in the first place?

I wondered this too. It seems such an extreme thing to jump to 'cancel the wedding' that it seems like he might already have been thinking about it.

It’s next year. It all seems a bit OTT to be making these decisions now!

Just to clarify OP, is his mum his only close relative? I only ask as when we were getting married abroad, DH's brother was his only close relative that was still alive and he didn't want to book anything until his brother agreed to go... and a destination wedding was DH's idea in the first place, it was me who needed convincing

As I said most people are still happy to go. One of my aunts has said she won't be, and his mum. Everyone else is keen and saying the thought of it is what's getting them through this shitty year. We're committed, frankly I'd rather cancel at this point but we'd lose shit loads of money, so would my family, our friends. In my opinion our hands are tied. I don't get how he can see it diffferently.

@onalongsabbatical

Maybe he, too, is relieved to have the option to cancel, but can't quite bring himself to admit this? Whose idea was 'destination wedding' in the first place?

We've both said we'd rather cancel it if it was purely our loss. We're both worried about the uncertainty and how different it might look to what we imagined. Frankly Covid has changed our priorities and we have other things we'd rather spend the money on. However we both agreed (pre his mum cancelling) that regardless of our wishes we can't afford to refund people what they lose so we just have to go ahead. It's already too late.

He needs to calm down, practically no he can’t cancel at this stage. I agree with a video link to the ceremony for his mum and perhaps a family dinner when you return.
I think his mum is a bit ott though- does she need to decide now before paying anymore money?

So will he be reimbursing everyone else then? What’s his solution to everyone losing their money?