to be fed up of strangers telling me i cant have a only child/leave long gap?

[farrah93]

So, i get it, at the park, us mums talk and most often i understand it's normal, to ask, "Thinking of anymore?" etc.

But when i reply with "Probably not" or "We might start trying when dd is in school"
They ALWAYS respond with "Can't have a only child, that's unfair" or "No don't leave too long a gap, they won't be proper siblings, get it out the way all at once"

Even when i respond with "Well i don't really want to get anything out the way, i like being a mum so if i do it again, i want to enjoy it, and id love children at home with me for as long as possible" i get responded with "No, it's unfair, think of it, back to back, they all go school, you're finished"

like i'm sick of being told to "get it out the way"

It got that much today by a group of mums that i had to resort to telling them "I lost my second child at birth last year, 14 months after my first, please give it a rest, you don't know what my life has been like to come to these decisions"

And now i'm angry at myself for revealing my personal history that i'm still grieving for to a group of basically strangers because they kept pushing me to explain why i don't want to have another one yet.

It's always happening.

Tell the nosy buggers to mind their own business.

I'm an only child, nothing wrong with that.

@Boomwhatwasthis I really am going to start, because i usually just answer because i don't want to seem "awkward or cold" but now i know it's not the way to be!

Stop caring what other people think. They have no bearing on your life whatsoever. I'm an only child and I had a wonderful childhood.

I'm an only. I love it. It's up to you & not any one else's business. You shouldn't have had to explain yourself but you were brave to do so. Hope they butted out.

It’s absolutely no-one’s business and you don’t need to justify it. I’m so sorry for your loss.

If you feel able to, I would call these people out on their judgemental nonsense. Ask them why it’s ‘not fair’ or why you ‘can’t’ have an age gap. When they inevitably trot out some line about how ‘not giving a child siblings is selfish!’ and all the other bullshit responses just keep asking ‘why?’. Make them feel uncomfortable. Keep challenging their stupidity by forcing them to explain it.

But you aren’t obligated to. A simple, polite “That’s not really any of your business” would do.

I'm sorry for your loss. People can indeed be nosey buggers and feel they can cast any opinion over your family choices or circumstances.

I’m 6 years older than my brother and the idea we’re not “proper” siblings is ridiculous.

I have an only child and I really hate those comments too. If you don’t have the perfect 2 children 2 years apart (a boy and a girl, natch) it seems someone always has something to say about it.

And yes, only children are only lonely/spoilt/unhappy/whatever cliche if they have bad parents, which is the same for any child, even one with a dozen siblings.

If it helps it doesn't matter how many kids you have, people will always have an opinion.

1 week after having dc2 people were asking me when dc3 would arrive... I'm sure if I do have one people will say it's too many!!

YADNBU it's none of their business. I'm so sorry for your loss.

People who make comments or pass judgement on others' lack of DC or only having 1 or a large age gap really make me angry. They are rude and quite frankly insensitive.

I used to get loads of comments and questions about why I hadn't had a baby yet (before DD was born 5 months ago). I used to just ignore or say DH and I were just enjoying life but it got to the point where I was so upset and angry I felt I had no choice but to tell them about my 5 years of unexplained infertility followed by 2 pregnancy losses in order to shut them up (and watch them squirm).

I think if you're uncomfortable with sharing something so difficult and personal with people then just tell them to mind their own business, shut them down without entertaining or divulging more than you're comfortable with.

I’d never ask, Shane on them.

Shame even, not sure who Shane is!

I have one child and somehow people don't seem to say this to me and very rarely have. Maybe I give 'fuck off' vibes! She's ten now so I just say 'God no I'm way too old for all that' and laugh!
I would be more proactive and say something like 'one's enough for us, keeps us busy!' Then start talking about something else.
Or just say cheerfully 'it's not happening for us at the moment we'll see what happens' and leave it like that so they're not given an opening.
People will follow your lead in a conversation so just keep it upbeat and brush it off, and they'll get the message.
I love having one, we're so close. There's nothing wrong with it.

So sorry about your DC2 - that's awful

As women our place is in the wrong. If you don't have children you are selfish. If you only have one child you are selfish, if your have more than one child then you are definitely selfish because of climate change etc. Whatever choices we make, you can guarantee that someone will be there, making sure you know alllll about their unsolicited opinion.

I'd be tempted with a response along the lines of we'll decide what's best for our family, followed by a swift MYOB if they continue to be nosey arseholes.

I mean they rarely ask me and if they do they seem to accept my response

I have an only & frankly, like yourself, there are personal reasons for that that are no-ones business but mine.

A friend had a big gap between her two & they are, and have always been, super close.

Its beyond rude to keep pushing anyone about the size of your family, be it number of kids or gaps between or even to have kids at all.

I am sorry for your loss 💐and I hope the people around you back off and have a bit more respect.

Ignore.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I have two boys and I have frequently been asked if I’m going to “try again to get a girl”. People are never satisfied.

5 and a half years between my two. They are fiercely bonded, so much closer than me and my DSis, 2 & a half years younger than me.

I’m sorry for your loss OP. It’s none of their business.

I am pregnant with my first and there will be 18 year age gap between baby and DH’s eldest. I’m already dreading this kind of small mindedness and the responses I’ll get if I speak about my family situation in any detail tbh.

I'm sorry for you loss

TBH just stating "I'm lucky to have this one, not sure if there'll be another" will shut them up and remind them that you can't just have DC on demand.

There is nothing wrong with being blunt either
"Don't want to talk about it"
"Her sibling was stillborn/died"
"I don't wish to discuss my sex life"

And so on...

I second just keeping saying why, eventully they stop.

Sorry for your loss Op. Ignore the comments - families come in all shapes and sizes and is none of anyone's business!
The thing that gets my goat is when someone comes along and says it's unfair to have a one child because they will be shouldered with the burden of their parents care in old age. I have three other siblings - guess who has the sole responsibility of my parents care??

I am sorry for you loss x
I have an only and sometimes get those comments. We chose to have one child and to many people that’s beyond selfish. Some comments I got were” your child will have no one when you die”...”what happens if you lose her then you will have nothing” - just terrible. I ignore them normally but it helps that we live in an area with a lot of older parents (like us) who also have one child so you don’t feel like outsiders

Sorry for your loss OP. I get the same all the time, I have a 4.5 year old. I had a TFMR and a miscarriage since DS and these were so difficult (particularly the TFMR) that we’ve decided not to try again and keep DS as an only. I don’t like to go into detail but now if people ask I say that we haven’t had much luck having another and so DS will be an only. If people push even more (amazingly some do) I say that we’ve had two harrowing losses and I can’t take any more trauma. Then it gets all awkward and I have to breezily change the subject to something unrelated like it’s my fault they probed into my private business 🤷‍♀️