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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up of strangers telling me i cant have a only child/leave long gap?

51 replies

farrah93 · 26/07/2020 21:07

So, i get it, at the park, us mums talk and most often i understand it's normal, to ask, "Thinking of anymore?" etc.

But when i reply with "Probably not" or "We might start trying when dd is in school"
They ALWAYS respond with "Can't have a only child, that's unfair" or "No don't leave too long a gap, they won't be proper siblings, get it out the way all at once"

Even when i respond with "Well i don't really want to get anything out the way, i like being a mum so if i do it again, i want to enjoy it, and id love children at home with me for as long as possible" i get responded with "No, it's unfair, think of it, back to back, they all go school, you're finished"

like i'm sick of being told to "get it out the way"

It got that much today by a group of mums that i had to resort to telling them "I lost my second child at birth last year, 14 months after my first, please give it a rest, you don't know what my life has been like to come to these decisions"

And now i'm angry at myself for revealing my personal history that i'm still grieving for to a group of basically strangers because they kept pushing me to explain why i don't want to have another one yet.

It's always happening.

OP posts:
BakewellGin1 · 26/07/2020 22:07

10.5 years between my two and the love they share is second to none.

8 years between myself and DSis and we get on well

2 years between DH and his sibling they hate each other and havnt spoken for years

Waxonwaxoff0 · 26/07/2020 22:08

I have a 7yo and don't want any more. YANBU and people need to mind their own business.

Floppyflopflop · 26/07/2020 22:12

I always said “may be” to people, not that it’s anyone’s business. I never said more than that about it really. Short answers and moving off topic is usually key 😜
I’ve got a 5 year old and 6 month old. Perfect age gap for us.

Frazzled13 · 26/07/2020 22:15

YANBU. My mum was asking me about this the other day and when I said we might not have another child she acted like I'd said we were going to routinely beat our daughter or something. She was genuinely horrified Hmm

Of course, she knows nothing of the horrific PND that I honestly barely survived - I would tell her but she'd tell me to get a grip.

Scout2016 · 26/07/2020 22:16

We had trouble conceiving and making the pregnancy stick. Before we had a child everyone asked when we were going to have one.... it hurt. Now we have one we get asked when we are having another and that we shouldn't just have one because it's not fair on our DD. Just bloody insensitive. I wish I had been more open before about miscarrying... now we have DD I am more likely to tell people I don't know as we can have any more children, because we needed help making her, it was a lot of heartache and we just count ourselves bloody lucky to have her. But I'm feeling stronger now and better able to confront people and I think if my reply makes one person think twice about thoughtless insensitive comments to someone else who might not be feeling so strong then it's worth it.

I'm not in anyway comparing my heartache with yours OP. I am so sorry you had that loss. I just wanted to say you I think understand some of how you feel and how it hurts.

Scout2016 · 26/07/2020 22:20

I'm not at all suggesting you should tell people your business either, your personal business it rightly private.

Gin4thewin · 26/07/2020 22:25

Ds was 6 a couple of weeks after dd was born, i was constantly getting sarcastic 'thats a big gap!'. Yup and i like it, they adore eachother, and its worked out perfectly thanks👌

Toastyapples · 26/07/2020 22:29

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Remember the vast majority of people who say this, friends and family too but especially strangers, don't actually care what you do: it doesn't affect them in the slightest and they don't care, they're just making small talk and using whatever your answer is to talk about themselves and what they think is best; usually to praise themselves or pass on their own perceived wisdom. It's nothing to do with you so don't let what they're saying bother or upset you at all, just nod and smile politely if you can't get away but otherwise ignore them.
Whatever you want to do and is right for your family is absolutely the right thing to do.

thepeopleversuswork · 26/07/2020 22:30
  1. Sorry for your loss.
  1. It’s absolutely none of these people’s business. I think it’s astonishing that people see fit to dole out advice to other people about their fertility and family planning. Just beyond rude and ignorant. You don’t owe them an explanation. If they lack the grace and education to understand this they don’t deserve the courtesy of a response.
PatchworkElmer · 26/07/2020 22:32

Sorry for your loss, OP Flowers

I think people are weirdly threatened sometimes if you don’t do things the ‘accepted’ way- almost like they feel you’re passing judgement on their choices. Which is ironic, because they’re criticising yours.

I was very unwell in pregnancy, had a difficult birth, DS was in NICU, and I had PTSD from the whole thing. Despite knowing all of that, my cousin still bangs on about how DS ‘deserves’ a sibling. No, he deserves loving and engaged parents. I refuse to discuss it any more- I think DH is at the point where he will be rude back if it carries on.

Original poster
farrah93 · 26/07/2020 22:34

Thank you, every single one of you for your kind words and advice.

From going forward, i think i will keep asking them why they ask, and then just tell them to mind their own business! But i'm hoping it doesn't happen again!

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 26/07/2020 22:36

I don’t remember anyone asking me.

However I would either shut them down with a solid no or some off the cuff like might need to discuss that with my partner first

Bubbletrouble43 · 26/07/2020 22:36

18 year gap for me between dc 1 and dc2 (and dc3, ended up with twins) and my best friend had a 8 year gap between her 2 DDs. Worked really well in both cases. Do it how you want, that's what reproductive choices are all about x

QueenofLouisiana · 26/07/2020 22:42

I’m sorry to read about your second child.

We decided not to have another child due to the high risk of my severe PND reoccurring. I told people that I couldn’t improve on perfection. I found that dumbfounded those on their second or third child. It even shut my MIL up eventually.

LinManWellWellWell · 26/07/2020 22:51

So sorry for your loss and that people have been so crappy. I think your idea of asking why they want to know is excellent.

And fwiw my 2 are 6 years apart and they have a lovely relationship. Really special.

eenymeenymineymo · 26/07/2020 23:06

Im sorry too to hear of your loss. Its noone elses business to need to know about it all so its sad that you felt pressed to say that to shut them up.

I had a nearly 6 year gap between my eldest son & next child (2 marriages) & then my 3rd child was a late miscarriage at 26 weeks. We later subsequently had another boy & I lost count of the number of people telling us to keep trying for a girl (by then I had 3 living sons & 1 son in heaven). Some people dont put their brains into gear before they open their mouths Flowers

PurpleRiverIsland · 26/07/2020 23:15

Sorry for your loss. I find people very strange when it comes to babies. All boundaries and sensitivity seem to go out the window. Maybe prepare a set of responses ‘that’s a bit judgemental’ ‘I’ll make my own decisions about my body and my family thank you’ ‘we’re not in the 1950s here I can decide when it’s right for my family’ ‘Are you suggesting DC1 isn’t happy?’ ‘DC1 is very happy getting my undivided attention for a little while I can assure you!’

Bizawit · 26/07/2020 23:19

So sorry for your loss OP Flowers. I’m sorry you were pushed into sharing something so personal when you didn’t want to, but I think you are so incredibly brave for saying what you did, and I hope it will educate those women not to be so stupid and presumptuous in the future Flowers.

DancingInDespair · 26/07/2020 23:21

I am sorry for your loss.
They are nosy and rude.

gluteustothemaximus · 26/07/2020 23:23

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

This is EXACTLY the reason I'd NEVER comment about anyone's decisions.

Because no one knows. And no one needs to know. I've always steered away from conversations about 'thought about another one'. One because it's literally none of my business, and two, because what if there HAD been another baby.

So insensitive.

I have HUGE gaps OP. Mine were due to different fathers (which strangers are also nosy about). Other reason was I had HG and awful pregnancies/labour. Still pisses me off when people tell me how HUGE my gaps are and why that is.

Shall I comment on them popping out kids like nobodies business, and with 9 month gaps, what should I say, did you have sex on the hospital steps?!?!?!

Boils my piss.

Hopefully your words might make them think about their pushy opinions in future.

People have an opinion on everything.

If you have one.....when's the next?
If you have 2 boys....will you try for a girl now?
Two girls....trying for a boy then?
Boy and a girl, but expecting third.......why, you have one of each?

Big gaps, small gaps, everyone has an opinion.

buenavistabelle · 26/07/2020 23:30

So sorry for your loss 😢 That must have been heartbreaking. You always get meddling idiots like this who feel it is their place to "advise" you. My advice is not to listen to ANY of it. I made so many mistakes against my own maternal and human instincts after listening to people's so called advice and I'm angry with myself for getting sucked into it.
I also feel that there are so many people these days who seem to just want to pop out a couple of kids as quickly as possible then pack them off to nursery/school and get on with their life. I completely understand what you mean about the "getting it out of the way" comments. I find this odd and they are the same people who can't wait to get rid of their kids at every given opportunity.

Do what feels right for you and your family and you won't go wrong x

buenavistabelle · 26/07/2020 23:32

And yes, come up with a few snappy retorts to put these busybodies in their place.

Shufflebumnessie · 26/07/2020 23:41

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers
We have 5 years between our 2 and they absolutely adore each other!

bananacustard01 · 26/07/2020 23:53

@farrah93 so sorry for your loss Thanks
I also lost a child at birth and have had to field off the same question so many times. I had a little boy after she was born and I actually am pregnant again. When people asked I used to be worried about making them feel uncomfortable but now I always just say well my first daughter died when she was born so it's not an easy decision for us.
The annoying thing is people ask without really caring, no one is really that invested in your life (especially people who don't know you well enough to know about your DC2) to really care if you are going to have another baby soon or not it's usually just mindless chit chat. I will admit I too use to ask before I lost my daughter and didn't realise what a loaded question it was.
So many people suffer from infertility, miscarriage, baby loss, pregnancy related illness/mental health issues but it's a real taboo subject so people don't actually think before they speak sometimes, they don't mean any harm I know but it can still cause a lot of unnecessary pain.
You shouldn't feel bad at all about sharing your story or speaking about your DC2, if people ask an uncomfortable question they should be prepared to hear the answer.

Justajot · 26/07/2020 23:53

I think I must give a "fuck off vibe" as I was only lectured once about "getting on with it" and giving DD a sibling.

I know that I have asked friends if they'd like children and then realised a few years later that they were actually struggling to conceive at the time and it was really insensitive. I don't think I ever really pushed it, but I shouldn't have asked at all.

Horrible though it is, I think that making people uncomfortable by being honest about your situation does them a favour in the long term. It should educate them into being more sensitive in future. You shouldn't have to do it, but you definitely shouldn't feel bad for them if you do.