To not know whether to tell my mother gran's wishes?

[Lizzie523]

My gran is in the final stages of dementia and unlikely to live to the end of the year. A year or so before her diagnosis she told me she didnt want her nephew attending her funeral when the time came. She said she believed he gave my mother (his cousin) a date rape drug once when we visited. She says he had access to a lot of drugs due to his job as a chemist. We used to stay with him some summers and I was honestly surprised to hear this given her previously positive relationship with him. In hindsight I have wondered if it was due to the dementia. But she was adamant he should not attend the funeral (without telling my uncle and mother who are now her actual powers of attorney).

I haven't thought about this man in years until today, when my mum told me he had phoned her. She mentioned he had retired from his job a a chemist which confirms part of my gran's story.

She was adamant about him not attending the funeral but when the time comes what can I do? My mother doesnt seem to hold any ill will towards him.

Tell your mother

I would not start a family feud over this. I'm very sorry about your grandmother, but the reality is that she'll be dead and who is at her funeral is something she will never know about. I would keep this to myself.

I would definitely tell your mother.

Tell your mother. It's more about her than anyone else so she should know.

I think you should tell your dm.
Her reaction will tell you a lot and ultimately it's for her to decide really.

My mother is a carer to my gran and has had such a difficult time emotionally. I just don't really want to add another thing to the load.

And I also dont know whether if I do tell her I should mention it sooner rather than later.

I think it's unfair that she acted fine towards him the whole time and then asked you to cause a family argument over something where you don't know the details (obviously if her telling you this was a part of her dementia then I don't think it was unfair).
I would tell your mother because it involves her but if she has no issue/doesn't believe it/has no idea what your grandma was talking about, I would not push the part about him not attending the funeral at all.

Op, how could your grandmother possibly know he gave your mother a date rape drug? You said she dementia and this sounds like a fanciful rambling from someone who's faculties are failing her.

My MIL's father-in-law accused her of stealing his watches, plates, socks, etc, and forbade her from attending his funeral. Of course she never stole anything, and it was his dementia talking.

When the time comes, just tell your mother that your grandmother had told you in the strongest possible terms before she had dementia, that she did not want this man at her funeral. You do not have to go into it any further, or give reasons. Your mother will assume you do not know the reason, but are keen to respect your grandmother's wishes, and she should be too.

funerals are for the living - not the dead.

Can you be certain that her beliefs about this man were not due to the dementia? just because it was pre diagnosis doesn't mean her brain wasn't affected. My mother had some very strange ideas for a few years before it was clear she had dementia, she also "took against" one of her siblings and refused to see him for the last couple of years and had strict instructions about who was to be allowed at her funeral - none of her birth family .

I was not going to to cause any more hurt among her siblings by passing any of this on to them. Her funeral was small but lovely and all her remaining siblings were there. We reminisced, laughed and enjoyed telling family tales. If she was up there on a cloud ranting at me then so be it, but we mourned the loss of the woman who had existed before the disordered thinking of dementia kicked in.

I wouldn't say anything.

I do feel it is unfair that she told me. At the time I didnt think dementia was the cause but in hindsight I have wondered.

Well she says that my mother was acting crazy, taking her clothes off and flashing other relatives etc! I dont know if there is more to it.

Well she says that my mother was acting crazy, taking her clothes off and flashing other relatives etc!

Come on now, do you really think this is something your mother would have done? If she had, other relatives would know about it to. These delusions are down to your grandmother's dementia.

Bite your lip, say nothing.

I dont think it something she would have done without being drugged, no.

“Confabulation” (making up stories) is apparently quite a common symptom of dementia. Sufferers don’t mean to do it - they create stories to fill gaps in their memories.

If you tell your DM she may have a better idea than you if whether there is some truth in this or completely outlandish.

(My DM started telling some amazing stories and it was a huge relief when a doctor in A&E gave me an explanation of what was going on)

Could you ask your mother in fairly casual terms whether there had ever been an incident involving this cousin, in your grandmother's presence? You could simply say your grandmother made a comment that made you wonder, and you didn't know whether it was the dementia talking. I would imagine her reaction to it might tell you whether to pursue it or not.

Maybe ask her, or another relative, about the incident as it’d be one that stick in people’s heads (probably not your mothers though if she was drugged).
If it happened then maybe I’d mention what your grandmother told you, if nobody had any idea what you’re talking about, then I’d leave it.

@Lizzie523

I dont think it something she would have done without being drugged, no.

But do you think she’s done it at all?

Honestly, we’ve experience of this kind of thing in the family - highly detailed, yet utterly made up, situations involving previously close and well-loved family members who the person with dementia will now no longer speak to as a result. We know categorically that the things did not happen.

Dementia is cruel.

This is about attendance at her funeral. She will (and I’m sorry to be blunt) be dead and will not know; it will have no impact on her at all. Don’t make things harder for your mum by bringing this up now. If your gran mentions it herself, well, deal with it then. Otherwise, save everyone the heartache and put it to the back of your mind.

Is your grandmother actually saying that you mum was raped, or "just" given a date rape drug?

Not sure that this is how a date rape rug works. I thought it makes you groggy and out of it. Your gran would have been having behaviours related to dementia before diagnosis. Some of these may have been quite subtle at first.

@Watermelontea

Maybe ask her, or another relative, about the incident as it’d be one that stick in people’s heads (probably not your mothers though if she was drugged). If it happened then maybe I’d mention what your grandmother told you, if nobody had any idea what you’re talking about, then I’d leave it.

I would try this.

I don't think the deceased have any control who goes to their funerals. I would stay quiet.

This sounds like typical dementia type delusions to me.

My grandmother called me absolutely convinced her children were trying to kill her.

I’d tell your mum so you can have a rational conversation about it.

I think I'd have to mention it, because I'm the kind of person who's mind it would always play on if not. It may be true, it may be not, but that's what I'd do.

Before my DM was diagnosed with dementia, she definitely started making things up, would vehemently deny certain conversations had taken place, even thought I was present and knew they had. To all intents and purposes, she seemed fine, but it was the beginning of her illness. I wouldn’t take a chance on this, you could easily cause huge fallout with your family, I wouldn’t say anything.