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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad that no one has ever been really in love with me

54 replies

SnakesOrLadders · 26/07/2020 09:27

I’m late 30’s.
Had a few non serious boyfriends I was usually chasing them not the other way around.
My husband I met at 20 and he loves me but I had to give him an ultimatum to propose after we’d been together for several years. We are like brother and sister now we get along great but no romance none at all.
I’ve never ever had any romance and never will now.
I feel sad I’ve never experienced someone being completely in love with me or needing me in my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
SnakesOrLadders · 26/07/2020 09:50

Sorry this post is a bit self indulgent but just dawning on me that this is the case and I’ve missef out on that moment in my life

OP posts:
Original poster
SnakesOrLadders · 26/07/2020 09:50

*missed

OP posts:
TWAMSWIAO · 26/07/2020 09:56

Ahh OP I feel the same.

We are getting married this year and it was very much a ‘it’s probably about time isn’t it’ so I don’t even have a ring and we went to look at rings recently (I dragged him and he’s still not agreed to one) and it made me so sad and jealous seeing men there looking at rings to buy for the partner spontaneously and even one guy with his mum bless him. I’ll never have that, I was never good enough that someone did that. Even our wedding won’t be a misty eyed and lovey dovey wedding, it’s just a means to an end.

Sorry to wallow in my own self pity on your post. You’re not alone and I’m with you, it feels shit.

Pillypocket666 · 26/07/2020 10:01

Sometimes companionship is better and easier than love. I have a friend who loves her DP so much it hurts and I don't see this something to be envious of, particularly when I know shes pushing him away as she is stifling him. Maybe you both have something much better.

TWAMSWIAO · 26/07/2020 10:03

@Pillypocket666 I do try to look at it this way, definitely. How many women have been romanced, lavished and proposed to but also beaten and abused by the same man? Trying to be grateful for what I have.

Pinkdelight3 · 26/07/2020 10:11

I don't think romance means buying rings and big weddings etc. I think it's someone putting you first, thinking of you and doing kind things, caring for you when you're ill, still loving you when you look like shit, all of that kinda thing. A loving brother and sister relationship (with sex presumably) would include that. Do you have that? If so I'd take that over the lovey dovey honeymoon stuff any day. But if you've never been made to feel special by them, then that would be sad, and could leave you at risk of breaking up if someone did come along and fall for you.

Summerfortheages · 26/07/2020 10:15

Like pp said companionship is sometimes easier than love.

In my experience being in love creates a host of emotions. There’s a depth of feelings that endures - passion - for want of a better word but there’s also jealousy, insecurity sometimes, and subsequently arguments. And I think this comes from imbalance - no two people have equal feelings for the other which creates the insecurity etc. It’s great to be in love, it’s heady and giddy and the sex is incomparable but it’s also tumultuous and sometimes painful. You’re lucky to have a steady kind of love, alongside a familiar intimacy and companionship - other people would chew their right arm off for that.

Modwolvesrock · 26/07/2020 10:26

I'm so sorry op, you deserve better than that.
Personally, I would walk. You obviously need a relationship with someone who would rather walk on hot coals than lose you, and I feel that is totally reasonable!

Honestly, it seems so sad to hear you accept less. You only get one life.

LuluJakey1 · 26/07/2020 10:29

@TWAMSWIAO You sound unhappy- why are you marrying him if you feel so unloved and unfulfilled?

dayswithaY · 26/07/2020 10:30

Some people haven't even experienced what you currently have. My friend is in her 50s and has had several relationships with men who haven't cared about her or even stuck around as long as your partner has. It seems to me that none of them have loved her and she's an amazing person.

Me, I've had a love life with lots of drama - highs, lows, pain, sorrow, passion, soulmates etc. Now I think it's definitely better to have a nice, safe, comfortable life with someone. Marriage is really just a partnership, an understanding with someone who "gets" you. The rest is just childish drama with learned behaviour from silly outdated films written by sexist men. And that's coming from me who bought into it all!

NameChange84 · 26/07/2020 10:31

36 here and one relationship only with a man who didn’t love me.

YADNBU Flowers

OryxNotCrake · 26/07/2020 10:31

@TWAMSWIAO why are you settling for this man? Do you love him? Does he love you?

LuluJakey1 · 26/07/2020 10:31

@TWAMSWIAO DH rarely (if ever) does anything 'madly romantic' - yesterday he bought me a diet ice cream at The Co-op.

madcatladyforever · 26/07/2020 10:33

I'm really sorry OP and I know exactly how you feel. Nobody has ever loved me either, I have only ever been used. Only my cats really love me.
I have put my all into my relationships and given all of myself and loved much but all I've ever had in return is being used or abused.
I don't bother any more, I never chase and I live alone.
I don't understand why, i'm not bad looking, I'm intelligent, have a great job, my own home, great friendsbut never found love.
If someone could tell me why it would be life changing.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 26/07/2020 10:42

It's too soon to say never. I didn't find true love until I was 37. If this guy isn't the one then leave.

Dennysheart · 26/07/2020 11:01

I’m in a similar boat. Unfortunately there’s a lot of resentment towards my husband from me about his lack of engagement around the kids and the education of the one that has special needs.

Ishihtzuknot · 26/07/2020 11:08

I feel the same as you, I’ve never been in love and I’ve been a single mum for years. I’m not holding out for it to change and it would have to be someone perfect to make me consider another relationship.
Relationships aren’t always like you see on tv, I’d work on the one you currently have and try and get the romance back. Having a brother sister relationship in itself is nice as you always have someone there as a friend as well as a partner.

Original poster
SnakesOrLadders · 26/07/2020 11:08

We have s family so this is it for me now maybe once the children have all grown up.
We haven’t been intimate in over a year.

OP posts:
dayswithaY · 26/07/2020 11:09

@madcatladyforever it's nothing you have done. I honestly believe that relationships are a lottery, there's so many people in the world, bumping into your true love just isn't that simple. I know lots of people who have never met "The One" and there is nothing wrong with any of them.

Original poster
SnakesOrLadders · 26/07/2020 11:10

TWAMSWIAO I’m so sorry

OP posts:
Original poster
SnakesOrLadders · 26/07/2020 11:46

Sorry to everyone who feels similar it’s pretty crap 💐

OP posts:
GoGadgetGo · 26/07/2020 11:52

I'm sorry, but this is depressing.

If you're with someone but you are not happy or it's not how you want it to be then ideally you need to change this.

So you have kids. I'm sure they would want you to be happy. As long as he is in the picture and has regular access. this could work. Even if it takes some time to do the separating. Staying together until the kids are older. Why? Surely they will end up with misconceptions of what a happy loving relationaship is.
Everyone deserves to be happy and find happiness. Even if you never do, at least you tried.

You have time to change your future, start planning it now. Discuss your feelings with you husband. He might be feeling the same way.

Maybe I'm an idealistic (that may be the wrong word).

Yeahnahmum · 26/07/2020 12:29

@TWAMSWIAO why on earth settle for this ? Don't marry this man !
And op. Would you be able to divorce your husband and put yourself out there ?
No one has ever been PROPERLY in love with you YET .

You are still young and life is too short to be trapped in a loveless marriage . Love , true love .... is so beautiful
Nothing better than to love and to be loved in return

Yeahnahmum · 26/07/2020 12:32

And kids are not an excuse to stay. They are a good reason to leAve.
To show them what life is . What love looks like. And what a happy mum/relationship looks like. Kids will not benefit from being in a family where love is simply platonic and stale , truly

FraughtwithGin · 26/07/2020 12:57

Believe me, having someone "in love" with you is incredibly tedious, if the feeling is not reciprocated.
When I was a student, many millennia ago, someone was "in love" with me. He was a nice guy, but it got to the stage where I couldn't express an opinion (positive) about anything I saw, because he wanted to buy it for me. Dreadful.
It was a shame, because he was fun, well-educated, intelligent and came from a similar family background. All perfect, but... no

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