AIBU - partner has forgotten to lock the back door a few times despite being remindsd

[Voltan123]

I live alone in a house that I recently bought. I’ve asked DP when he is visiting to please lock the back door before going to bed because of safety concerns for both my stuff and myself (I’m end terrace). He has forgotten once, remembered when he came up and still didn’t go back down to do it.

Another time recently, I reminded him 5 mins before going to sleep to do so and yet he still forgot (he was semi drunk which is why I reminded him). He gets defensive about being ‘told off’ about it when I mention it the next day.

It’s a uPVC door so can’t exactly put a night latch where it would automatically lock which is a shame. I think it’s a needless risk, particularly because it might be well known around that I’m a female living alone.

I would happily take on the chore of checking the back door but issue is he will read and drink and smoke/vape outside until very late (1 or 2 am) by which time I will have gone to bed. I don’t think it’s fair for me to have to stay up until he decides he’s done being outside for the simple task of locking a door nor do I want to accept he’ll just forget to lock it 40% of the time.

AIBU?

& Any tips to solve this issue?

Thanks

Stay over at his instead?

He’s a selfish prick for not doing it, it’s your home, your belongings and your safety. Plus you’ve asked him to, which is enough of a reason.
What’s the matter with him? Why can’t he just automatically lock it when he comes in?

Boot him out to his own home when you want to go to bed and lock up behind him. It's the only option.

Stick a big note saying "lock the door dickhead" near the handle as a gentle reminder.

Or send him home and lock the door before you go to bed if he can't be trusted to behave like a grown up.

I'd give him one last chance then take the backdoor key to bed with me. It's non negotiable for me, I always check all of our doors before going to bed in our house, I'm paranoid about it (which is my problem really and DP doesn't forget). But I'd have to approach him forgetting with zero tolerance, I wouldn't be able to sleep worrying about it being left open. I realise I am at the extreme end of the scale on this issue though!

I don't want to sound harsh but buck up and tell him properly. This will be the least of your worries in 5 years time when kids come etc if he's allowed to petulantly allowed to just refuse to a reasonable, 2 second task that is an actual risk.

Either he remembers or the door gets locked when you go to bed so he stays indoors. It's your safety he's risking, not just possessions while probably invalidating your house insurance in the event someone got in.

He has forgotten once, remembered when he came up and still didn’t go back down to do it.

He's a twat.

Basic assertiveness; 'when you don't lock the back door it makes me feel really unsafe, and it's important to me to be safe, please make sure you do every time'. If he doesn't he either doesn't care about your feelings or doesn't care about your safety. Either one is important.

You are 100% right to take this seriously. My best mate in uni was raped when a housemate didn't lock the door after coming in late.

He is a man, and an inconsiderate and unthinking one, so he doesn't see the danger.

If you have explained why this is so important to you (and really that should be dead obvious) and he still does not care enough about your safety and peace of mind to take the very simple precaution of locking a door, then I would get rid of him.

Hmm ... How long have you known him? Because I'm not liking this picture of him lording it over your house, in charge of the keys, after you've gone to bed. It almost feels as if he's making a point about being king of the castle even though it's your house.

Your boyfriend sounds horrible, honestly.

I'm curious to see the answers to this. I am in a somewhat similar situation to you. I have my working from home setup close to my front door. I lock the door when I go to bed at night but DH likes to go out to the shops late at night to buy snacks, beers, etc. He does not always lock the door when he comes back. When I asked him to lock the door at night, he called me paranoid and said it was a safe country. I told him I had been stalked before and I do not want to have someone rob my house taking my computers near the door. He repeatedly said he couldn't understand why I didn't feel safe and that it is paranoia and that I have a skewed view of the world. Since I cannot get him to promise to lock it, I actually now get up in middle of night to check the locks on the door so that I feel secure at night. This isn't a great solution though and is disruptive to my already disrupted sleep as a mother to a small baby who cosleeps with me.

he will read and drink and smoke/vape outside until very late (1 or 2 am)

He sounds like a right catch

@pinksupervisor

Your husband is a massive arsehole. He doesn't care how you feel at all, does he? Locking the fucking door is not a big ask.

I'm wondering if pinksupervisor's husband has been made unemployed by lockdown. He definitely doesn't like her having that WFH space, and is asserting his masculinity by undermining her ...

Any tips to solve this issue?
Dump him, he is not showing you any respect.
@pinksupervisor
You realise you don't have to put up with this crap, don't you? A partner should be supportive and care about your feelings, even if they don't completely understand them.
Life is too short to be unhappy.

Massively disrespectful to your home/belongings and so unsafe. I'd dump him, or at the very least, don't let him stay at yours. He can go home and leave his own doors unlocked. I also agree with the pp who said it was a power play over you and your home.

Doors should be locked all the time not just at night. If you live in a nice area then burglars tend to target your area. We had issues where they were robbing from hallways so in your house for less than 30 seconds taking handbags etc.

For UPVC doors you can get a pad handle so a normal handle inside but a knob on the outside. Technically your door isn't locked but you need a key to get back in. We had that at my parents' house. Google it.

Lock the door when you go to bed yourself. If he is outside - he can return to his own house. Simple.

Lock him out when you go up. Problem solved.

Cross post with @tara66

He doesn't care enough to remember OP... think about that

Even UPVC doors which need a key to get in from outside need to be locked at night. I know, to my cost, that they are astonishingly easy to open with a screwdriver if you don't.

I agree with the others OP. He doesn't get to stay if he can't respect your house and I don't know why you'd want him to if he doesn't respect you.

Even just the drinking and smoking until the middle of the night makes me think "why are you with him".

Locking the doors at night is something children learn. It's not hard. He's a grown man and he cant lock the doors at night? Surely you can do better than an idiot who drinks and smokes for half the night.

Quite simple. Lock the back door when you go to bed and take the key with you, preferably when he's outside.

He's being rude and dismissive. Obvs 'asking nicely' didn't work so give him a swift kick up the bum by locking him out.

Or do the easiest and best thing, just tell him to go home......and stay there.