To see him again?

washthepot · 2020-07-24T16:43:01+00:00

Went out for dinner last week with a friend of mine, he's married, three children. Known him for a year through a shared hobby. At the end of the dinner when we said goodbye, he tried to kiss me. He apologised the next day, and we haven't spoken about it since, although we have spoken. I really like him and value his friendship, but AIBU to see him again?

CaptainVanesHair · 24/07/2020 17:48

What do you mean by see him again?

Personally, I wouldn’t put myself in that situation and would distance immediately.

CoRhona · 24/07/2020 17:48

YABU.

You'd be sending the wrong message.

He's an arse btw.

SamSeabornforPresident · 24/07/2020 17:50

Nope. He made it clear what his intentions are last time. If you meet him again he'll assume you're on the same page.

Original poster

washthepot · 24/07/2020 17:50

@CaptainVanesHair

What do you mean by see him again?

Personally, I wouldn’t put myself in that situation and would distance immediately.

I mean go for dinner or drinks, just the two of us

OP posts:

crosser62 · 24/07/2020 17:50

Totally totally inexcusably unreasonably to encourage this.
For me, if this happened then it would be ruined forever.
Please don’t see him again.

Merryoldgoat · 24/07/2020 17:55

Is this real?

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 24/07/2020 17:56

It depends - are you open to having an affair with a married man?

If so, crack on. Expect all the clichés about how you "weren't looking for anything" and "it just happened" and how neither of you are "the type to have an affair" but then you caught feelings, and now you're in this difficult situation and things are so complicated, etc.

You can even play some affair bingo. One point for each of the following :

"he hasn't slept with his wife for years"
"he's only staying for the kids"
"neither of you meant for this to happen"
"you're soul mates"
"you can't help who you fall in love with"

Or alternatively, only ever see him from now in groups, don't message him, don't let him confide in you about "problems in his marriage" and never be alone with him.

RunningFromInsanity · 24/07/2020 17:57

Would you be happy for your partner to meet up with someone who tried to kiss him?

Or alternatively, would you be happy for your husband to meet up with someone he previously tried to kiss?

YABU.

Original poster

washthepot · 24/07/2020 17:58

@Merryoldgoat

Is this real?

Why wouldn't it be?

OP posts:

Mydogisthebestest · 24/07/2020 17:58

You would be having an affair then?

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 24/07/2020 17:58

Of course you should see him again, he sounds great! You could invite his wife and tell her all about when he tried to kiss you. I'm sure she'll think it's hilarious and you can all have a laugh about it. Then you can all be the best of friends.

Or not

Original poster

washthepot · 24/07/2020 18:00

I do totally see all the points (otherwise I wouldn't be posting), but it seems sad that I have to completely cut off a friend because of one mistake. If it were a female friend who made a mistake and apologised, would the result be the same? Is there an assumption that friendships between men and women are worth less than same sex friendships?
And to be clear, no, I am not open to an affair.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 24/07/2020 18:04

One mistake my arse.

If you go then he'll likely try again.

user1294625849274 · 24/07/2020 18:05

If it were a female friend who made a mistake and apologised, would the result be the same?

Yes if she was married and the "mistake" was trying to kiss you.

Talk about trying to manipulate the answer you want out of people.

VettiyaIruken · 24/07/2020 18:06

It wasn't a mistake. It's not like he intended to shake your hand and accidentally tried to slip you tongue.

He made the decision to try it on. He was hoping you'd respond and he could cheat on his wife with you. He thought you were the type of person who would do that.

I wouldn't meet him again because I would feel differently about him. He'd really have gone down in my estimation.

Mydogisthebestest · 24/07/2020 18:06

If a married female friend tried to kiss me, I’d not see her on her own again either.

I’ve a partner. I’m not interested. I wouldn’t put myself in that situation.

theendoftheworldasweknowit · 24/07/2020 18:07

I think it would be reasonable to suggest you take a break from seeing each other so he can work through whatever misplaced emotions he has, with a promise to resume your friendship in the future when he gets his head together. That's not writing him off as a friend, but it's giving him time to cool down and get over whatever this is.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 24/07/2020 18:08

If he cheats on his wife he isn't a nice person.

Do you want to be friends with someone who isn't a nice person?

Sugartitties · 24/07/2020 18:11

ffs really

Original poster

washthepot · 24/07/2020 18:12

@user1294625849274

If it were a female friend who made a mistake and apologised, would the result be the same?

Yes if she was married and the "mistake" was trying to kiss you.

Talk about trying to manipulate the answer you want out of people.

I'm not trying to manipulate anyone. I'm trying to have a conversation. I'm sad about losing my friend, and I'm disappointed in him, and so I'm trying to think through different scenarios to see if this can be salvaged. I don't think it can, but it's not a decision I want to take lightly.

OP posts:

TJ17 · 24/07/2020 18:12

@washthepot

I do totally see all the points (otherwise I wouldn't be posting), but it seems sad that I have to completely cut off a friend because of one mistake. If it were a female friend who made a mistake and apologised, would the result be the same? Is there an assumption that friendships between men and women are worth less than same sex friendships? And to be clear, no, I am not open to an affair.

Unfortunately as much as you think you are "friends" you are not. He's made it clear that friendship is not what he's after.

And I think as his wife I would feel extremely uncomfortable him being "friends" with someone that he's actually tried it on with. Not appropriate at all and completely unfair on her and the children.

You can try and pretend it's an innocent friendship all you like but it never will be now.

TJ17 · 24/07/2020 18:15

Also, it definitely wasn't a mistake...

As a married woman I would not put myself in the position where I went out to dinner or drinks alone with someone I was clearly physically attracted to. This was planned on his part, and he doesn't value your friendship or respect you as a friend.

Shoppingwithmother · 24/07/2020 18:17

Going out for dinner, just you and a married man is a bit unusual, but men and women are allowed to be friends of course. What happened though as a result of that was that he tried to kiss you. That wasn’t your fault, presumably you didn’t know he felt that way and did nothing to encourage it.
If you go out with him for dinner for two again though, it becomes on a different basis - you know know that he feels something romantically for you and would like that to happen. I think that if you go, that is possibly indicating that you would be open to something more.
If you are not, I would not go out alone with him.
Of course that does not give him carte blanche to kiss you again if you don’t want him to, but assuming you don’t, then the easiest way to nip this in the bud is not to go.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/07/2020 18:19

"I'm sad about losing my friend, and I'm disappointed in him, and so I'm trying to think through different scenarios to see if this can be salvaged. I don't think it can, but it's not a decision I want to take lightly."

He's not your friend - he's at best an opportunist who looks on you as a sex toy, at worst a predator who groomed you for the past year. Not. Your. Friend.

Keep up with your hobby. And watch him move on another target.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 24/07/2020 18:20

YABU. You know his intentions and you're trying to justify maintaining the "friendship".

He's an obvious dick and you still want to be friends with him?