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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To see him again?

73 replies

washthepot · 24/07/2020 17:43

Went out for dinner last week with a friend of mine, he's married, three children. Known him for a year through a shared hobby. At the end of the dinner when we said goodbye, he tried to kiss me. He apologised the next day, and we haven't spoken about it since, although we have spoken. I really like him and value his friendship, but AIBU to see him again?

OP posts:
Original poster
washthepot · 24/07/2020 19:45

I posted because I knew I needed to do something, but was looking for advice. I knew it was a big deal, but the unanimous YABU has helped me appreciate how much of a big deal this is.

My posts were trying to encourage debate - life isn't black and white, and I don't find the automatic "Oh, he's clearly a bastard" posts to be particularly helpful.

For those who suggested testing the friendship a little by insisting on group meetings only - that is great advice, thank you, I will be doing that.

No, I'm not going to be calling his wife - I don't think it's my place, do you?

And for those calling me sad, or that I saw it coming, or that I'm definitely going to have an affair - you can, in the nicest possible way of course, go fuck yourselves.

Oh, and the hobby is Taxidermy.

OP posts:
SoulStarS · 24/07/2020 19:47

@VettiyaIruken

It wasn't a mistake. It's not like he intended to shake your hand and accidentally tried to slip you tongue.

He made the decision to try it on. He was hoping you'd respond and he could cheat on his wife with you. He thought you were the type of person who would do that.

I wouldn't meet him again because I would feel differently about him. He'd really have gone down in my estimation.

He thought you were the type of person who would do that

This! This with bells and whistles on. That is what would ruin the friendship for me. I would be beyond insulted.

toomanyplants · 24/07/2020 19:50

Oh, and the hobby is Taxidermy.

In that case, I'd tell him in no uncertain terms if he pulls that shit again he will be stuffed and mounted with a plinth up his arsehole.

Prick.

Wattagoose90 · 24/07/2020 19:51

What do you think his motivation was behind the kiss? Do you think he has feelings towards you/was just chancing it/needed an ego boost?

I think seeing him again could perhaps depend largely on what he was trying to achieve?

Delbelleber · 24/07/2020 19:53

I think if he's tried to kiss you and he's a married man there is a good chance he already has feelings for you.... So even if you are not interested in an affair and you want to continue being friends there is a good chance that sooner or later he is going to be confessing his love for you and then you are in a worse situation than you are now. Probably better to give him some distance.

UnaCorda · 24/07/2020 20:06

Oh, and the hobby is Taxidermy.

So he likes stuffing pussies? Hmm

EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 24/07/2020 20:10

Tell him to get stuffed.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 24/07/2020 20:14

So he likes stuffing pussies?

 excellent @UnaCorda GrinGrinGrin

Op you didn't want debate and we can all go fuck ourselves because what, we told you the truth? You are hilarious!

Original poster
washthepot · 24/07/2020 20:14

@toomanyplants

Oh, and the hobby is Taxidermy.

In that case, I'd tell him in no uncertain terms if he pulls that shit again he will be stuffed and mounted with a plinth up his arsehole.

Prick.

He is a prick! I've read back through my posts and I have definitely not conveyed how angry I am with him, I am furious.
OP posts:
Notredamn · 24/07/2020 20:20

Reframe it. He isn't a friend, he's a bloke you met relatively recently through a shared interest who is trying it on with you.

Sisterwives · 24/07/2020 20:21

He doesn't respect you or his wife. He thought you'd a) be up for it and b) the kind of woman up for it with a married man with 3 kids.

And you might not be saying right now you're up for an affair but you're desperately trying to keep a married man with 3 kids who wants to fuck you, in your life as it was a 'mistake' instead of thinking 'what a creepy, low cunt'.

You clearly want to make a big effort to keep him in your life so instead of telling people who told you the truth to fuck themselves, have a think about what his wife would want to say to you.

You know, if she heard that he tried to kiss you and you didn't tell her (I can't say I would either but I also wouldn't see him again) but were trying to figure out how you could see him again 'just the two of you' and when people told you no, that's a shit thing to do, you're still trying to keep in contact with him and thinking you'll start with some 'group meetings'. And some texts/emails/calls inevitably.

I think his wife might tell YOU to go fuck yourself.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 24/07/2020 20:54

What do you means by a mistake? Because he did try to kiss you, hard to do that accidentally (bar mis-aimed air kisses, & if it were this you wouldn’t be asking). I get you don’t want to let the friendship go, but having been in the same position trust me it’s not friendship on his side.

I understand you’re sad at losing a friend OP, but this doesn’t end well.

FinallyHere · 24/07/2020 21:22

go for dinner or drinks, just the two of us

nope. HTH

It's fine to be sad that he wasn't the friend you thought he was. It's fine to keep meeting him in group situations. Just to be clear, though. He doesn't get to have feelings for you, not without separating from his wife first. He tried it on, yuck.

Merryoldgoat · 24/07/2020 21:27

I asked if it were real because I can’t quite believe you’d need to ask.

You were never friends. You may have thought you were cultivating a friendship but he thought you were a potential romantic prospect.

A friend would never try to kiss you whilst married. If there were feelings that needed to be acted on developed a real friend would talk to you, not lunge at you.

Rainbowqueeen · 24/07/2020 21:33

Op I can see you’re upset at the loss of this friendship but I think you really need to think carefully about what happened.
Something isn’t a mistake just because the person who did it says it is. That’s them making excuses
Have you ever kissed someone by mistake?? I haven’t

I’d be very wary of this mans intentions and angry that he thought so little of you and your morals and values that he thought his behaviour was ok.
I would never see him alone again. By all means see him in a group if you want to maintain the friendship but have a serious think about what kind of person he really is.

CoopsMalloops · 24/07/2020 21:45

Sorry he has put you in this awkward situation but dinner and drinks, just the two of you and then he goes in for a kiss...perhaps he’s looking at your friendship differently than what you are.

It’s odd that his wife is Ok with him going for one on one dinner dates with you.

Quick catch up with a coffee, no problem... Know what I mean?

PP suggested group gatherings - probably a better idea.

puzzledpiece · 24/07/2020 21:50

It's not a ' mistake' to attempt to intimately kiss someone! It's something you do when you want to take something further. He's willing I think to have an affair. You ve made it clear you don't want to. Are his feelings for you going to change back to simple friendship. No. Will you be happy in a friendship with someone you know wants to have sex with you? Is it an ego boost?

Original poster
washthepot · 24/07/2020 21:51

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

So he likes stuffing pussies?

 excellent @UnaCorda GrinGrinGrin

Op you didn't want debate and we can all go fuck ourselves because what, we told you the truth? You are hilarious!

What truth? That I'm sad and am definitely going to have an affair? That's not truth, that's me being insulted, of course I'm going to take offence!

And LOL UnaCorda!

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 25/07/2020 07:12

It’s odd that his wife is Ok with him going for one on one dinner dates with you

Supposing she knew, yes it would, but I suspect he lied about who he was out with.

CoopsMalloops · 25/07/2020 09:38

@IncrediblySadToo exactly!
He’s dodgy.

Tooshytoshine · 25/07/2020 10:12

He isn't your friend. Sorry. I had this with a female friend of nine(!) years... I tried to salvage the friendship but it just turned into a heavy hearted slog. She wanted to talk about how terrible her marriage was, how terrible mine was and why didn't I see how great we would be together. It was all just very sad and painful, in a way I didn't ask for.

You did nothing wrong, I have male and female friends and do not see them as a potential affair.

He wants more and won't stop wanting more - he will find you continuing contact as you potentially wanting more too.

Stick to group meet ups and light, polite conversation...

Boom45 · 25/07/2020 10:18

There are 2 reasons he thought trying to kiss you was a good idea. Either he has fallen for you and couldn't help himself or he wanted a shag/fool around and you just happened to be there. Either way having dinner with him again is a bad idea, if hes in love with you then it's not the friendship you had anymore. If it's the 2nd option he's not the man you thought he was and it was never the friendship you thought you had at all.
And it would be exactly the same if a married female friend had tried to kiss you.

Boom45 · 25/07/2020 10:18

It's fine to be sad he ruined your friendship but it is ruined.

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