Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To see him again?

73 replies

washthepot · 24/07/2020 17:43

Went out for dinner last week with a friend of mine, he's married, three children. Known him for a year through a shared hobby. At the end of the dinner when we said goodbye, he tried to kiss me. He apologised the next day, and we haven't spoken about it since, although we have spoken. I really like him and value his friendship, but AIBU to see him again?

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 24/07/2020 18:21

He crossed a line that cant be uncrossed and it cant be forgotten. You need to walk away and cut contact

august11 · 24/07/2020 18:25

If you have any self-esteem, just no, keep well away from him.

Original poster
washthepot · 24/07/2020 18:32

Why does my self-esteem come into it? Why is this so different from forgiving a friend? I don't think it's as simple as saying, "Oh, he's a terrible person." It's a dick move I agree, and I am angry with him, but I haven't been groomed and I do believe it was a mistake.

OP posts:
EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 24/07/2020 18:35

Why are you going out for dinner with a married man who has children? Is this something his wife knows about?

toomanyplants · 24/07/2020 18:38

Tell you what, call his wife
Tell her what happened and ask if she thinks it's a good idea?

crosser62 · 24/07/2020 18:39

The vast majority (in fact all posters) are advising the same...steer completely clear.

Does this help with your decision?
Is this what you were thinking anyway when you posted or were you hoping for something different?

isadoradancing123 · 24/07/2020 18:51

Well from the opposite side...... if my husband was going out to dinner with another woman,mhe would not be coming home, so he could kiss her as much as they wanted

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 24/07/2020 18:52

If you truly categorise this as a one off mistake (and you are in the situation, not us, you are the best judge) then you can pull back from the friendship without ending it.

No more one on one meetings - stay friends, but only at your hobby group. If he suggests a meetup, say "great, let's invite x person, or maybe bring your wife?" You will soon see if he truly wants to be your friend, or if he coincidentally loses interest once its clear no more "mistakes" are on the cards.

Pebblexox · 24/07/2020 18:56

You don't need to lose his friendship, however I wouldn't be doing anything alone with him. He clearly sees you as more than a friend, and you'd only encouraging those feelings by doing dinner or drinks just the two of you.
If he's truly a friend, then that means you must care for his family too. So think about them as well. Would his wife be happy to know you were going out after he tried to kiss you?

randomchap · 24/07/2020 18:58

No, if he tried to kiss you he doesn't see you as a friend. You don't kiss friends.

Nothing wrong with dinner out with a married man, as long as both of you see it as totally platonic. Sounds like it's not the case here.

BitOfFun · 24/07/2020 18:58

He's not your friend: he was expecting to get his leg over.

Pebblexox · 24/07/2020 18:59

If it were a female friend who made a mistake and apologised, would the result be the same? Is there an assumption that friendships between men and women are worth less than same sex friendships?
^^
If the female friend was married with children then yes of course you'd get the same answer. Don't try and turn this into some opposite sex can't be friends debate. You'd be foolish to see him again alone.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 24/07/2020 19:03

Kissing another woman when you're married is not a mistake. It is a conscious choice.

You can dress it up however you like but there are very definite lines and boundaries in my life; an attempted kiss is not a mistake.

Sisterwives · 24/07/2020 19:04

Yeah. No-one ever admits they were 'open' to an affair. Then you see him again and suddenly realise actually, maybe there is a connection. Then you have an affair emotional and/or physical and get to say 'I didn't mean for it to happen, was totally against it but then when I saw him...

Yawn.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 24/07/2020 19:12

You want to believe it was a mistake.

He said it was a mistake because you rebuffed him. Had you wanted to go further, he would not have stopped himself.

BarbedBloom · 24/07/2020 19:14

He doesn't want to be friends, he wants to sleep with you. So no, I don't think you can.

BitOfFun · 24/07/2020 19:14

You've known him for a year through a "shared hobby" (I won't ask, I'm sure it's outing...), so you already spend regular time with him. If things got chummy enough to meet for a private dinner away from others in the group, how did you NOT see that coming?

SamSeabornforPresident · 24/07/2020 19:20

I'm not sure I'd want to be friends when someone who would cheat on their partner anyway, regardless of who they were cheating with.

TJ17 · 24/07/2020 19:23

@BitOfFun

You've known him for a year through a "shared hobby" (I won't ask, I'm sure it's outing...), so you already spend regular time with him. If things got chummy enough to meet for a private dinner away from others in the group, how did you NOT see that coming?
Because she did see it coming and is now trying to appear innocent 🙄

Even though 100% of people have told her to steer clear she is clearly going to keep seeing him (going by the defensive nature of her posts she was clearly hoping everyone would say of course go ahead)

Just another cliche where many hearts will be broken.

I just feel sorry for his wife and kids.

pangolina · 24/07/2020 19:26

If you go again, he will assume that he didn't make a mistake after all, you've come around, and you're interested. I would actually message and say "I know you've apologised but I'm not happy about what you did and don't feel comfortable being alone with you again"

Ginger1982 · 24/07/2020 19:31

Does his wife know you were out together just the two of you?

I would step back. You know he clearly sees you as someone he wants to shag. That doesn't just go away. Not to mention the fact that he clearly wasn't thinking about his family when he kissed you. Do you want to be friends with someone like that? Guaranteed it will happen again and maybe next time you won't stop him.

formerbabe · 24/07/2020 19:34

He isn't your friend and he doesn't want to be your friend. He wants to shag you behind his wife's back.
Hope that helps

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 24/07/2020 19:34

Tell you what, call his wifeTell her what happened and ask if she thinks it's a good idea?

Yes OP! Do this. Of course you won't.

Are you so desperate for male attention that you'll let this married man use you? Sad.

Botherfreedays · 24/07/2020 19:42

Weirdly, you seem focused on the 'friendship' rather than what he did. You don't seem surprised/shocked at all. Why? Are you looking for validation to see him again?

formerbabe · 24/07/2020 19:44

At the risk of a flaming, I'd say there's very very few men who are genuinely interested in platonic friendships with women.