When does it become an affair??

[IfIonlyhadaheart]

I'm in a pickle! One hell of a one.

From the start I'll say that NOTHING has taken place, not of a physical nature, not a brush past or a hand touch, nothing. But the electricity is frightening. I don't know if he feels it too? I strongly suspect so.

My home life is shit! Monstrously so. But that's an aside.

I am falling for a guy at work. We have lots of banter, lots of laughs. I've worked with him for about four months and we get on really well. He's great fun. The banter has gone in a new direction towards our (or my) past life, ex boyfriends, etc. I'm finding he calls me (during work time) for a chat, and texts in the evening or weekend occasionally.

I don't want to fall for him. He's got children with his partner of many years, they are together but not married.

At what stage does something go from being a bit of harmless banter to something else? I've heard the term emotional affair used on here, what does that mean? Is that what this is?

I can't leave my job, it's in a specialist field and it is my life at the moment, as home is so awful.

I'd distance yourself from them if I were you. It sounds like you're in far too deep, but that might not be the case for them. There are a few people that if I ring them for a quick work related thing I can easily fall into chatting for a while, and have one on WhatsApp for the occasional gif (usually taking the mickey of something at work) but that's as far as it goes.
I wouldn't assume that they feel the same if I were you, and like you say could make things very tricky at work.

I think it sounds like it's on it's way into crossing over a line. I would pull back if I were you, keep the texts and chat friendly but don't let it tip over into anything else. You can still be friends after all! It sounds like you are using it as an outlet for your terrible home life, I would try addressing these issues as soon as possible, don't let them be a reason for you to make any terrible choices.

There is every possibility it's one sided, but my gut feeling is that it isn't. I'm not a young girl and I know the signs. I could be wrong.

Keeping my distance isn't much of an option, but is something I could try harder at.

I think it becomes an emotional affair when you’re keeping it from your partner or it ‘feels’ wrong. If you’re texting and calling someone regularly but your partner doesn’t know the extent, you should question why you’re not being completely open and what that says about the contact you’re having.

Thank you, then it that case I think that applies to both parties. It needs to stop right here.

it is an emotional affair when confiding in the other, turning to them for giving/getting support, and considering their needs takes the place of doing all that with your actual partner, or trudging along without anyone to confide in and share support with.

But 1mom, you say, by that standard, some BFF relationships could be considered emotional affairs rather than friendships. to that I say: Yes. They can.

Temporarily, it isn't a problem. Long term, any of them are, especially if any of them become sexual. there is no universal definition of temporary for this situation though. some relationships wouldn't survive an instance, some could recover from months of it.

Familial relationships can also overshadow a couple's relationships sometimes. presumably, sex isn't going to be added to this, but I have known siblings who could never really shift their bond/dependency away from each other, or who returned to it when things got difficult with partners rather than solving that problem.

“My home life is shit. Monsterously so. But that’s an aside”

I’m not sure it IS an aside. I think it’s the root of the issue and you are looking for an escape.

Easier said than done but stop the “banter” and texting and try to unpick why you are so unhappy at home and try and get that fixed.

@catgirl1976

“My home life is shit. Monsterously so. But that’s an aside”

I’m not sure it IS an aside. I think it’s the root of the issue and you are looking for an escape.

Easier said than done but stop the “banter” and texting and try to unpick why you are so unhappy at home and try and get that fixed.

This this this. That's your real problem

Hmmm it depends on your morals. If you are not happy in your current situation and you speak about it to this guy and he likes you and isn't happy, then you both need to end things with who you are with now.

As humans we do sometimes develop a crush when we find someone fresh, new or attractive. I am happy enough in my relationship and have kids. No problems. But I developed a crush on the builder we had last year. Nothing happened. Nothing at all. But I did like him. He would chat through the kitchen to me and be cheeky to me when he wanted a drink. I remember him being on the roof with a fag in his mouth and drilling at the same time and I thought he looked so manly. I've known him since I was a kid too. He is about 3 years older. I literally had to get a grip. I saw him in the street a few weeks ago and he shouted oi to me. Made my heart skip a beat.

I think sometimes it's just the escape from the same old. But sex gets less frequent. You end up washing their socks and seeing their bad habits in the long run. So be careful. Unless you are both serious it's not worth it. But I get it. I get that you want excitement again.

Emotional affairs more often than not turn into physical affairs if given the opportunity. Ask me how I know.

It will just take one works night out or being alone somewhere for it to tip over. In all honesty though, when I discovered my exh's affair, I didn't even know if they had slept together (but I'm also not stupid so assumed they had) but reading some of the messages I found between them was even more hurtful than if I'd caught them in the act. He should have been saying those things to me (like he once did), not talking about me and laughing at me with her while I did my best to be a good mum and wife to him and our kids and work.

It doesn't make it any better or less devastating just because you are not sleeping together.

If you're worrying it's inappropriate then it probably is.

My home life is shit! Monstrously so. But that's an aside.

No it isn't. The feelings are there because you need them from somewhere and you don't have them at home. Can you leave?

If you're questioning whether it's gone too far, it's gone too far.

Yes I can understand that @Sunshineandflipflops - he does talk about his partner, not always in a positive way and I try to steer the conversation away from negative talk like that. I don't know his partner but I do always try to be positive when he's talking her down. I'm definitely not laughing at his partner.

I'm not a fool, I know how affairs start, and how they end terribly 99% of the time. I don't want that.

My home life is the problem, I would love to catch DH cheating and give me a damn good reason to leave, but not necessarily into the arms of another man! I'd love to be single again, be able to do my own thing. Its just not practical and without a good reason I'm not sure I could deal with the emotional stress of it all.

You may not be able to keep a physical distance because of you work, but you could keep a mental distance, and reinstate professional boundaries to your communication.

It definitely sounds like it is crossing a line. I certainly wouldn't be happy if you (or he) were my partner.

If you are not happy then that's reason to leave. You don't need a reason if you just simply are not happy. Also you can't move on and find someone decent if you are stuck in a dead marriage. If you did meet someone imagine being already free and ready to go! Instead if you do meet someone you have a mess to sort out first which puts your new opportunity in a harder place.

Never stay with someone because it's the easy option.

Do you have kids OP?

Listen, if your marriage is on its last legs then end your marriage or take steps to improve it if not beyond repair. Easier said than done I know but it sounds like that is the issue here.

Can you tell us about your marriage? This is the real problem here.

As far as that guy's concerned, think of it this way. If you were with him, it's very likely he'd be sending messages and phoning up another woman. You'd be going from the frying pan to the fire.

Bonding with fun and laughter
Banter has deepened into confiding about personal matters, including issues with partners

Interacting (secretly?) at night and on weekends
Electric physical attraction.

You are squarely in emotional affair territory. Whatever your problems are at home, developing intimacy with this man is not the answer.

He's running his partner down, the mother of his children, when 'bantering' with you?

What a prince of men. Why are you wasting a moments thought on this creep.

If he is running his partner down, I'm not part of that. I have no reason to run her down, he is my work colleague and I don't know her. I laugh and banter with him but not at the expense of his partner.

I'm not sure whether I have children or not is relevant.

My marriage is a very unhappy one but not because of this man, it was unhappy well before I started working with him. It's complicated and I want to be financially secure before I leave. That may sound selfish, but having been in a financially vulnerable position before I will not put myself in that position again.

My home life is the problem, I would love to catch DH cheating and give me a damn good reason to leave, but not necessarily into the arms of another man! I'd love to be single again, be able to do my own thing. Its just not practical and without a good reason I'm not sure I could deal with the emotional stress of it all.

Before you jump willy nilly, you need to think very carefully about what your true feelings are. I don't know if your DH is a total shit or if you're just having a midlife crisis. Only you can decide that. But I do know this: you never solve the problems IN a marriage by going OUTSIDE the marriage for the things you and your DH should be giving each other.

You don't have to have a 'good' reason to end a relationship. Being unhappy is reason enough.

As far as it being 'not practical' to end your marriage, sometimes it's the most practical thing to do if you're unhappy and don't see a way to change things. Difficult maybe, but not 'impractical'.

When your thoughts, loyalties and confidences shift to them, it's infidelity. If it's mutual, it's an affair.

Physical is obviously automatically cheating regardless of "feeling".

You have a paying job. How much more financial security do you think you need/other people have?

If you're staying with your husband it's because you prefer that life to one of independence. You don't need 'a good reason' to leave. You don't want to be married to him any more.

Unless you have children, which is absolutely relevant because then your choices affect more than you, there is nothing to stop you leaving him.

This man, whatever else he may or not be, is the kind of man who slags off his partner to his colleagues. He's not as wonderful as your groin is telling you he is.