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Original poster

When does it become an affair??

53 replies

IfIonlyhadaheart · 23/07/2020 13:28

I'm in a pickle! One hell of a one.

From the start I'll say that NOTHING has taken place, not of a physical nature, not a brush past or a hand touch, nothing. But the electricity is frightening. I don't know if he feels it too? I strongly suspect so.

My home life is shit! Monstrously so. But that's an aside.

I am falling for a guy at work. We have lots of banter, lots of laughs. I've worked with him for about four months and we get on really well. He's great fun. The banter has gone in a new direction towards our (or my) past life, ex boyfriends, etc. I'm finding he calls me (during work time) for a chat, and texts in the evening or weekend occasionally.

I don't want to fall for him. He's got children with his partner of many years, they are together but not married.

At what stage does something go from being a bit of harmless banter to something else? I've heard the term emotional affair used on here, what does that mean? Is that what this is?

I can't leave my job, it's in a specialist field and it is my life at the moment, as home is so awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
IfIonlyhadaheart · 23/07/2020 16:22

@VeniceQueen2004 thank you for your comments but you don't know my situation so please don't tell me you know better than I do.

I do not prefer my life now to one of independence.

Who mentioned my groin? Only you!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 23/07/2020 16:48

I'm not sure whether I have children or not is relevant.

I'm not sure a parent would say that! Ending a marriage is one thing. Ending an established parental relationship is quite another.

Work on your financial situation and end the marriage. Do you want to still be miserable in 20 years?

CourgettiSpaghetti · 23/07/2020 16:48

I'd steer clear. Try and emotionally detatch yourself from this man. Easier said than done I'm sure.
As others have said, try and figure out your own marriage problems. Separate from your husband and divorce if that's the out that you need but don't use this situation as a means to escape your unhappy marriage. There are just too many loose ends and factors involved.
He may not feel the same despite the banter etc. If you were to go ahead and he didn't reciprocate then your work place would be uncomfortable for you and him. Others would likely find out too.
Also you mentioned that your work was quite specialised, how easy would it to be to find another job if you felt you had to leave?
If, on the other hand, you and him felt the same and a relationship developed, how could you live with yourself knowing that you were the likely cause of a home life involving his children breaking down? The children involved would be so upset and this can affect them for many years ahead. Obviously he would be at equal fault too.
Men have been known to exaggerate how terrible their partner/wife/home life is.
Is it worth all of this for a quick fling because you're unhappy?

KarmaStar · 23/07/2020 19:51

You are stronger than you imagine op.
It's time to say enough is enough and start to unravel your home life and make preparations for a single life.
Only when you are settled and happy within yourself can you begin to look for romance elsewhere.
You can make the break,time to spread your wings.

goodwinter · 23/07/2020 19:53

@Sparklesocks

I think it becomes an emotional affair when you’re keeping it from your partner or it ‘feels’ wrong. If you’re texting and calling someone regularly but your partner doesn’t know the extent, you should question why you’re not being completely open and what that says about the contact you’re having.
Completely agree. OP, the grass is greener where you water it. Are you happy in your relationship?
goodwinter · 23/07/2020 19:53

Sorry, just seen subsequent posts!

Mangofandangoo · 23/07/2020 19:57

Sounds like trouble OP. Leave your other half before doing anything. No one deserves that.

Leaannb · 23/07/2020 20:00

You are already having an emotional.affair

MorganKitten · 23/07/2020 20:03

My marriage is a very unhappy one but not because of this man, it was unhappy well before I started working with him. It's complicated and I want to be financially secure before I leave. That may sound selfish, but having been in a financially vulnerable position before I will not put myself in that position again

This is your issue, this needs to be dealt with before any thought of another man. And that doesn’t just sound selfish it is selfish.

Onlythepiratesarefree · 23/07/2020 20:05

Whenever you think of shagging him, try to picture what it will do to his kids. To your kids if you have any. They won’t thank you. You don’t need to stay in a loveless relationship, op, but at the same time I’m certain that finding comfort in a man who is taken will not alleviate any of your pain and loneliness in the long run. You deserve someone who is available and can invest in your relationship from the beginning; no sneaking around or hiding away because you’ve been dishonest and unfaithful from day one.

downwardspiral1 · 23/07/2020 20:10

I don’t think it’s selfish to plan before getting divorced. If you need to get divorced because your home life is intolerable, you absolutely do deserve to do it in a way which helps you be independent going forward.

With your crush OP I agree with the others, stop the non work phone calls, no texting or calling at the weekends, treat him like a colleague. For the sake of his partner, and because he doesn’t sound like a nice person.

CathyTre · 23/07/2020 20:16

Yeah, my exh thinks he didn’t have an affair. I read all the messages. Her mocking me, their “banter”. I have no respect for either of them. They’re now married and she’s my children’s step mother.

I’ve moved in, remarried, couldn’t give a shit about what they do. But I think a part of my heart will never recover from what she said in banter about my twelve years older than her recently post partum appearance. And his laughing with her about it whilst I tried to breast feed our youngest newborn whilst he was off busy texting her.

CathyTre · 23/07/2020 20:19

I have literally no respect for the pair of them and just do what I have to copayment successfully with my ex husband.

CathyTre · 23/07/2020 20:20

Typos, co parent etc, but you get what I mean.

downwardspiral1 · 23/07/2020 20:29

But I think a part of my heart will never recover from what she said in banter about my twelve years older than her recently post partum appearance.

She and they sound very immature and truly vile @CathyTre, and they are not worth a single one of your thoughts.

Ballybeyondthepail · 23/07/2020 20:31

When you kiss and get naked, all that EA stuff is a load of tosh IMHO.

Emeeno1 · 23/07/2020 20:34

Whether you join in or not, or steer the conversation away, someone who denigrates their partner behind their back is able to do the same about you. Are you willing to accept that?

BB081 · 23/07/2020 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Russellbrandshair · 23/07/2020 20:58

What a prince of men. Why are you wasting a moments thought on this creep

Yes you are having an emotional affair and with an utter turd by the sounds of it. Is that not a big red flag to you that he’s running down the mother of his children? What makes you think he won’t run you down after a few months of sex and he gets bored? People’s behaviour usually always follows patterns. He doesn’t sound like a good person.

You need to take the rose tinted specs off and look at who he really is.

2020wasShocking · 23/07/2020 21:01

I think you need to leave you DH first and foremost OP. Seems like you’re looking for escapism and no one can blame you if it’s that bad.

This guy who you’ve got bater etc with is not being nice about the mother if his children. so as others have pointed out, doesn’t sound as nice as you’re starting to believe.
Slagging his wife off to you is a shitty thing to do. End of.

Him aside, I understand why financially you’re stuck, but can’t you get a one bed flat just until you get on your feet etc? It sounds awful for you

MsDogLady · 23/07/2020 21:29

...when he’s talking her down.

I could never respect this type of loser who is happy to slag off his partner and children’s mother. She would be so humiliated.

You two are cheating and your partners don’t deserve that.

CathyTre · 23/07/2020 21:45

My ex husband’s former affair partner and now wife is very cross about my current appearance and lifestyle.

I don’t believe in karma, but I won undoubtedly. 😂

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 23/07/2020 21:50

You say your home life is shit, youd love it if your husband cheated, but you have no 'good' reason to leave. I think that's plenty!

Ginger1982 · 23/07/2020 21:55

It's not very attractive of him to run his partner down to you. Sounds like he's forging the path towards getting you into a full blown affair.

You having kids is very relevant to be honest. If you don't have them, what's keeping you from just leaving your husband if you are so unhappy?

Nosuchluck · 23/07/2020 22:02

Please take a step back, no texting or messages, only talk about work stuff, he'll get the message and move into someone else.