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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really annoyed with MIL?!

81 replies

MrsWarleggan · 23/07/2020 12:38

MIL called today. Asked how I was. TBF she called on the worst day.

1 year old post MMR. Not sleeping, not eating, runny nose, whinging, grumpy, clingy.

5 year old. Bored. Stropping. Shouting. Wants to play whilst I'm trying to work.
Broke outdoor tap. No running water.

Me. Trying to deal with above. Frantically cleaning house before landlord comes (he's a plumber). Trying to work from home. Not washed dressed or even brushed my teeth at the moment.

DH. At work.

MIL: "Oh dear. Well we haven't had a good couple of days. FIL hasn't been feeling great the last couple of weeks with feeling dizzy and last Friday was on the phone to SIL and his speech went all funny. He's feeling better now though but his arm went funny during the night. Dr thinks he's had some TIA's so he has been referred so should hear in a couple of weeks. I'm so worried.. Oh we haven't told DH as we don't want him to worry or stress about it."

Seriously?? You don't want HIM, the delicate butterfly of a 42 year old man to worry about it. Him, who is at work with not a care in the frigging world, yet you are quite happy to dump it all on me when you know full bloody well that today I am at breaking point??

And WHY did you not call a sodding ambulance last night when his arm went??

I care deeply about my MIL and FIL, but honestly... Am I right to be proper annoyed right now??

OP posts:
SpeedofaSloth · 23/07/2020 13:55

Iv read this as op having to manage the emotional labour of dealing with mil and fil because obviously she has plenty of capacity left Unlike dh who a) has a penis and b) a job therefore far too busy.

Totally. YANBU OP.

averythinline · 23/07/2020 13:56

Not sure people are dumping on you....why is your MIL relying on you for support and not her own children? I would be pissed of too......
it sounds like because you are female you have to deal with it... wheres the recognition that you are working?

sit down make sure you eat some lunch have a cup of tea and some water... dont answer your phone for an hour ......play with the 5year old
then have storytime with her and grizzly babe - cuddled up and a favourite...hopefully she will be more amenable to a quietish activity after.... or take all for a walk /scoot some fresh air and sunshine will be good for you n 5yr old and maybe babe will sleep...
sometimes you just need to reset during these sort of days.... Brew

NotShiny · 23/07/2020 13:57

And if she had called an ambulance last night, she would still be calling you today to tell you about it. Of perhaps now she wont, based on your reaction. This really was one of those moments where all the trivial things like kids being grumpy are less important and you give your support. Not go on mn moaning about how bad a time it was for her to call you as you are soooo busy and doing other stuff.

Disfordarkchocolate · 23/07/2020 13:57

We don't allow 'don't tell' in our marriage for this sort of thing. It doesn't protect anyone it just add to stress.

sst1234 · 23/07/2020 14:01

Yes you are unreasonable and being precious. She didn’t ask you for help or say anything objectionable. If this is the biggest problem you have with her, then there’s no problem at all.

2bazookas · 23/07/2020 14:05

Well, here's another way to look at it, OP.

You are having a string of temporary minor fixable domestic problems; MIL arrives in justifiable MAJOR HEALTH PANIC about her husband . The father and grandfather of your husband and children might drop dead or turn into a helpless vegetable.

For some people, FIL's health problem might put everything else back into proportion.

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 23/07/2020 14:05

@NotShiny

What reaction?? I didn't say "oh bugger off I'm dealing with my own shit at the moment" where have you got this from??

I was shocked, upset and we discussed what was happening. I was supportive and told her to call me if she needed anything.

OP posts:
Hercwasonaroll · 23/07/2020 14:07

Gosh I can see why they didn't phone your dh if he is at work BUT you are also working too with added stress of childcare. You also don't have anyone with you for support but perhaps she thought you wouldn't be as upset as DH might be. Shit situation all round to be honest.

You definitely have to tell him. I can't comprehend a reason why you wouldn't despite what MIL says.

I hope your day has improved a little.

NKFell · 23/07/2020 14:08

You've come on the internet to tell strangers of your annoyance, you don't come off in the best light here.

However, when you're already stressed, this could be because you're upset about your FIL and are irritated that your DH isn't having to deal with it all. I'd say, talk to your DH.

AluminumMonster · 23/07/2020 14:10

I don't think you are being unreasonable. You gave her support/advice whilst trying to deal with your own shit. I think it's unfair of her to come straight to you thereby not only worrying you about your FIL but to basically ask to keep it a secret from your DH? Who are you meant to offload too.

I'm glad you told him, it sounds like you've done more than enough.

I take it your DH has no brothers or sisters?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 23/07/2020 14:11

YANBU at all, OP.

Your DH doesn't get absolved of all/any of the mental load simply because he's male. That's not how families work. I hope your FIL recovers and is well, but MIL dumping on you instead of on her son is the part that's U and you're entitled to resent that. Feeling resentful isn't something to be ashamed of; everyone has feelings that aren't always the happy, pretty ones we post on social media about, it's how we deal with it that counts and you sound like you were lovely and supportive to MIL, then ranted on here. Perfectly fine.

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 23/07/2020 14:13

@AluminumMonster

He has a sister, but they don't get on at the best of times. He was rather wrapped up in cotton wool as a child/teenager and she has some deep rooted resentment towards him.

OP posts:
sotiredofthislonelylife · 23/07/2020 14:13

@PolPotNoodle

Sounds like she mistakenly thought she could rely on you for emotional support as a member of her family. Make it clearer next time that you couldn't possibly entertain hearing about your father-in-laws possibly life threatening illnesses until you've brushed your teeth.
My thoughts exactly!
Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 23/07/2020 14:14

@FudgeBrownie2019

Flowers
OP posts:
NotShiny · 23/07/2020 14:14

"Iwas shocked, upset and we discussed what was happening. I was supportive and told her to call me if she needed anything."

And then you followed that up by coming on the internet and slagging her off saying what was happening to you was so important she basically shouldn't have bothered you, and stating how annoyed you were. How dare you!!!! That's just terrible. Have a re read of your initial post...its just awful fgs. What is happening to you is very very trivial compared to what is happening to her!!!

countrygirl99 · 23/07/2020 14:15

Based on my experience of older parents she wants him to know but is worried that she won't cope with telling him and will break down and make your DH worry even more. She is probably thinking that you are one step detached and will do the job better. But she can't admit that to you. I know it might not look a logical way of doing things but it's not unusual.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 23/07/2020 14:16

YABU your fil health concerns are much more important than you having a be day with grumpy children.
They don't want to worry him at work because it's his dad, he's not your dad so you don't feel the same about him.

RandyLionandDirtyDog · 23/07/2020 14:18

YANBU I can appreciate why you’re annoyed.

Why is your MIL ‘dropping in’ when you’re working from home unless she’s come to look after the grandchildren?

My DH has a blood cancer but if I need to talk about my concerns, I talk to my friends or my siblings. I certainly wouldn’t bother my adult DC or their wives.

NotShiny · 23/07/2020 14:20

I've had to make similar calls to family (even worse situation to be honest) and I'd hate to think the people I rang were pissed off with me for bothering them because they thought they were having a bad day!! And then went on the internet to moan about it. Have a re-think.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/07/2020 14:20

@MrsWarleggan - it sounds to me as if you dealt with your MIL’s news with compassion and support, and then came here for a bit of a vent - which is pretty understandable to me.

ChiaraRimini · 23/07/2020 14:21

"Call me if you need anything"
That's what she DID though OP. She called you because she is flapping and needs someone to take charge. Get on the phone to your DH now (unless he is in reachable) and tell him he needs to get over there ASAP, ideally he needs to take FIL to A&E fur assessment, following the. ark weakness last night (which MIL is likely underplaying)he could deteriorate suddenly at any point.

Nicknacky · 23/07/2020 14:22

countrygirl99 My friends parents are like this, she will phone to speak to her mum and her dad will say “oh she’s not well, she’s in hospital again”. It’s like they don’t like to admit what’s wrong but saying something unless they have to.

SeaToSki · 23/07/2020 14:26

Im sorry but why is everyone so bent out of shape about whether or not OP has a right to be stressed about if her MIL called her or not or can be stressed or not

FIL is having suspected TIA s and they are maybe going to scan him in a COUPLE of WEEKS. What kind of shit health care is that. FIL should be being seen today, probably given a CT scan of his head with contrast and certainly given some medicine to reduce the chances of clotting.

OP can your MIL advocate adequately for FIL, otherwise I would suggest you call DH and tell him what is going on and get him to wade in with some heavy duty advocating with FIL’s GP or go get FIL and take him to an urgent care facility.

countrygirl99 · 23/07/2020 14:28

Nicknacky we still have all 4, 81 to 93, and there has been many a time we've had to count to 10 and keep the FGS silent. It is hard for them acknowledging that they are just downright scared as this MIL will be. Much easier to play things down and not confront your lifelong partners possible death or disability.

DotForShort · 23/07/2020 14:30

Wow. Some perspective would be helpful. Not to mention some compassion. You had "the worst day" and are "at breaking point" because of ordinary minor annoyances (a grumpy baby and a misbehaving child). OTOH, your MIL is confronting her husband's terrifying health scare and your main concern is yourself and your annoyance? Unfathomable.

Though if your DH's reaction to the news was to complain about you not working enough hours, it sounds as though you and he are well matched. I feel very sorry for your in-laws.