Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really annoyed with MIL?!

81 replies

MrsWarleggan · 23/07/2020 12:38

MIL called today. Asked how I was. TBF she called on the worst day.

1 year old post MMR. Not sleeping, not eating, runny nose, whinging, grumpy, clingy.

5 year old. Bored. Stropping. Shouting. Wants to play whilst I'm trying to work.
Broke outdoor tap. No running water.

Me. Trying to deal with above. Frantically cleaning house before landlord comes (he's a plumber). Trying to work from home. Not washed dressed or even brushed my teeth at the moment.

DH. At work.

MIL: "Oh dear. Well we haven't had a good couple of days. FIL hasn't been feeling great the last couple of weeks with feeling dizzy and last Friday was on the phone to SIL and his speech went all funny. He's feeling better now though but his arm went funny during the night. Dr thinks he's had some TIA's so he has been referred so should hear in a couple of weeks. I'm so worried.. Oh we haven't told DH as we don't want him to worry or stress about it."

Seriously?? You don't want HIM, the delicate butterfly of a 42 year old man to worry about it. Him, who is at work with not a care in the frigging world, yet you are quite happy to dump it all on me when you know full bloody well that today I am at breaking point??

And WHY did you not call a sodding ambulance last night when his arm went??

I care deeply about my MIL and FIL, but honestly... Am I right to be proper annoyed right now??

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 23/07/2020 13:18

@saraclara

I am not pissed off that she has told me, I am pissed of that she can't possibly tell DH because he would worry, but it's OK for me too. I'm now worried for my FIL and now stuck with whether to tell DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 23/07/2020 13:20

@Keeva2017 @RunningFromInsanity

Thankyou for understanding and for not assuming that I am a heartless bitch who doesn't give a toss Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 23/07/2020 13:22

@Brefugee

Thankyou Flowers

OP posts:
Everydayimhuffling · 23/07/2020 13:24

I sympathise, OP. MIL made it my decision whether or not to tell DP his grandfather was very ill as she didn't want to stress him out when he had exams. I found that really difficult as we don't keep secrets, but it felt like I was being forced to decide something that really wasn't my place to decide.

AlternativePerspective · 23/07/2020 13:30

So presumably you’ve called your DH at work to tell him then?

Tbh there is a difference between someone who is at work when receiving bad news, any bad news, and someone who is at home having to deal with toddlers. We’ve all been there.

There isn’t actually any comparison between whinging toddlers and someone who has potentially had a stroke. Your day is a picnic compared to theirs.

Devlesko · 23/07/2020 13:32

I don't think she should be coming round when you are on works time, she wouldn't be allowed in the office.
I can only sympathise to a certain extent as setting boundaries means that this doesn't happen.
Personally, i don't see ils unless dh is at home, there's absolutely no reason unless you are bosom buddies or they provide childcare.

Nicknacky · 23/07/2020 13:34

Devlevsko She phoned. She didn’t come round.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 23/07/2020 13:35

I would be telling my DH if his mother shared that about his dad. Its unfair of her to expect you not to tell him. What if he has a stroke or something else and your DH finds out you knew.... would cause damage in your relationship

ContessaferJones · 23/07/2020 13:35

@RunningFromInsanity

Both you and your MIL are having a stressful day. Both of you have valid concerns and neither is more important than the other.

I think it’s nice she is coming to you for some support but it was unfortunate timing today and you had other things to deal with.

You obviously care about your FIL but at the moment you’ve got fussy children, no water, a plumber on his way and you’re trying to work.
There’s only so much a person can deal with at one time, it doesn’t mean you don’t care.

I would tell your DH, he deserves to know and he can ring his mum and they can support each other.

All of the above!
ReefTeeth · 23/07/2020 13:35

Yanbu @MrsWarleggan and I can't actually believe that most people have missed the point of your post.

Absolutely you can be worried about your FIL but it's not up to you to keep it from your dh, and I bloody well wouldn't if my MIL told me that.

I'd be straight away telling your dh. Imagine something happens to his DF and he found out you knew.

And I really like my MIL and FIL so it's not an IL bash!

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 23/07/2020 13:36

@AlternativePerspective

I'm not sure where this comment has come from considering I have never said that my day is worse than theirs and did not compare either. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Looneytune253 · 23/07/2020 13:36

I can see where she's coming from. Your FILs actual son (you DH) prob would worry about it more than you so I think she's right to go through you rather than him. You've unloaded onto her it's only fair she gets to do the same. It sounds a bit stressful for her

Grandmi · 23/07/2020 13:39

Feel really sorry for your MIL . She wasn’t to know you were having a bad morning and TIA is a huge worry for your FIL ! Am not sure what you are annoyed about 🤔

ladycarlotta · 23/07/2020 13:40

she's stressed and frightened, and although she's doing it totally the wrong way she wanted advice or reassurance from you. It sounds like she's struggling to know how to handle it all.

midlifecrash · 23/07/2020 13:41

I would be absolutely furious. Also the Dr sounds useless, that sounds more than a TIA and a couple of weeks is rubbish. Is that why they haven't told your DH - would he be pressing them to see someone urgently or on the phone to the Dr? because he would be right

NotShiny · 23/07/2020 13:43

A TIA is a pre warning, not an actual stroke. Sounds like she wanted someone to talk to and you got annoyed at that. All your worries re kids are pretty minor to what might have been going on in her head. Sounds like that call was a cry for help and you've let her down.

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 23/07/2020 13:45

@ReefTeeth

I have told him. He literally just popped in (works 2 minutes round the corner) to see what the plumber had done . He's concerned, as we all are. That was about it. He was more frustrated that I hadn't got my work hours in for the day 🙄

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 23/07/2020 13:45

There's never a 'convenient' moment for this kind of news. You're at breaking point, she's at breaking point. It's not a situation conducive to making calm, rational judgement OP, so I think you need to be kinder to yourself.

It isn't a race to the bottom. You're right to be frustrated that with such a potentially serious health issue underway, she didn't call for medical intervention. HCPs, not her stressed DiL, were the right people to deal with this.

It's good that you have the kind of relationship that she feels she can trust you enough to come to you. That observation has its disclaimers, though. Do you find the expectation of emotional labour and 'Wife-Work' naturally falls to you? And if it was SiL who was on the phone to him when the event happened, what role did she play in getting your FiL the help he clearly needed?

I don't think MiL was being unreasonable in confiding in you. It was awful timing and you can both let yourselves off the hook for that.

The injunction to keep it secret from your DP (if I've read that right) is, however, not reasonable. He's the one closest to this situation, and should know.

ReefTeeth · 23/07/2020 13:46

@Grandmi

Feel really sorry for your MIL . She wasn’t to know you were having a bad morning and TIA is a huge worry for your FIL ! Am not sure what you are annoyed about 🤔
She's annoyed that MiL isn't telling her own son, OPs dh Confused

It's a big secret that OP has to carry.

Cam2020 · 23/07/2020 13:47

Whilst coping with whinging, stroppy kids and having a broken tap is a pain in the arse, having a series of mini strokes that could literally kill her husband is a little different don't you think

She should be telling her son, not dumping it on her over stretched DIL! I think the point is not that OP wasn't worried, but why is it OK to worry her/offload on her when she is already dealing with everything but so keen to avoid upsetting her son?

rottiemum88 · 23/07/2020 13:48

@PolPotNoodle

Sounds like she mistakenly thought she could rely on you for emotional support as a member of her family. Make it clearer next time that you couldn't possibly entertain hearing about your father-in-laws possibly life threatening illnesses until you've brushed your teeth.
This
Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 23/07/2020 13:49

@NotShiny

An hour phonecall and then I called her back after scouring the Internet and gave her advice on what to do should it happen again. Yes. A really let down.

OP posts:
NotShiny · 23/07/2020 13:49

"He's concerned, as we all are. That was about it. He was more frustrated that I hadn't got my work hours in for the day 🙄"

So what are you saying here? That your DH care more about your work hours that your fils Tia?

Haffdonga · 23/07/2020 13:52

OP, you must admit that your thread title is to be really annoyed with MIL
You say she called on the worst day (because you were frazzled with toddlers etc)
You say you are quite happy to dump it all on me when you know full bloody well that today I am at breaking point??
You ask Am I right to be proper annoyed right now??

Your post is entirely about your day and how selfish MIL is to tell you this. Then you are surprised that people think you are uncaring. Hmm

Your FIL has had a stroke. Your MIL is terrified. This is not about YOU having a chance to brush your teeth.

NotShiny · 23/07/2020 13:52

Why did you need to scour the internet? All you needed to tell her was to use FAST and call an ambulance if it happens again? I think by the way you have come on here saying how annoyed you are to me is really bad. She rang for support I guess and all you care about is how annoyed you can be. Sorry, but I dont think this is a nice thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread