Is my boyfriend too skinny?

[GraceCes]

My boyfriend is 6’1 and 10 1/2 stone. He has a 28” waist. He is a cyclist and a runner. He works 12-hour shifts. He rarely ever drinks alcohol and drinks healthy juice and a lot of water and eats healthy food.

I don’t often seen guys who are around the same height as he is who are as slim as he is. He doesn’t look anorexic and looks very much like a stereotypical professional cyclist, but I think he should be at least 13 stone for his height, surely.

I know that it’s wrong to compare your current partner to an ex, but my ex-boyfriend is 6ft and he’s about 15-16 stone. Even when I compare (urgh, I feel bad doing it) my boyfriend to my male friends and my girl friends’s partners, he is by far the slimmest and athletic looking. Heck, he’s even lighter than most of my girl friends, lol.

I know that one’s BMI is not the most accurate thing to go by, but his BMI is on the lower side for his age and height.

I think a lot of my thoughts come from envy because I’m not exactly skinny.

Hopefully you can learn to love yourself as much as your boyfriend loves you.

"If he was fatter, I could feel better about myself"

"If he was less fit, I could feel better about not going to the gym"

He just sees you and loves you. He doesn't see anything wrong with you.

It's just you.

Do try to be kinder to yourself and then hopefully you might not feel so judgemental of him.

Op, do you actually fancy him?

It sounds like you’re fundamentally incompatible. I would not be able to cope with his lifestyle either, and many wouldn’t, I suspect for both of you it would be better to be with someone you can spend time together doing stuff you both enjoy or the resentment will grow.

Ladies, would it bother you if your partner went cycling for hours and hours a day six days a week

yes, it would, especially as it takes up the whole evening, it isn't as if he goes from 5-7.

He sounds obsessive about his cycling.and keeping slim.

If he eats cake or a pork pie (for example) does he then eat less or exercise more?

I think you feel second fiddle to his bike and less secure in your own body than you might be.

His build sounds fine, my boyfriend isn’t quite as tall as yours but he is very slim and has a 27/28 inch waist. He indoor cycles most days, if I had to compare him to a celeb to highlight his body type I’d say someone like Troye Sivan, I’ve popped a photo on as an example.

However it seems you are blaming your partners body type for your own insecurities. Only your actions can make you love and accept your body.

By the way - as a size 12, your waist should be about 30-31" by most clothes shop definitions.

That's really not a fantastically noticeable difference, even accounting for men and women being different shapes. Your mind is massively escalating the difference, I think because you're comparing your old 26" waist (for a size 8) with your 31" waist. Nothing to do with his 28" waist.

Also I’m six foot and I have gained some body fat during lockdown, quite visibly on my tummy, but I’m still a 30 inch waist, men typically maintain smaller waists than women if they put on a small amount of chub.

@GraceCes

Ladies, would it bother you if your partner went cycling for hours and hours a day six days a week?

It really doesn't matter if it bothers me or any other person. Does it bother you? Have you discussed it? Is there a chance he would reduce his cycling?

Sounds like you don't really want to be with him anymore

Lol DP is the same - 6ft, 10st. Weighs the same as me and I'm 5'4 😂

He's fine, he exercises and eats well. He's just slim. If he was 13-16st I think he'd look really fat tbh 😂

Helps that DP shoulders are v broad Hough I guess so he doesn't look stick like

Also your thread title wasn’t about how long he spends on his hobby but whether he is too skinny. Too skinny for what? You?Health?

I don’t even think he needs to be so restrictive

That's a different issue. Does he feel he needs to restrict what he eats?

It doesn't sound like you spend much time together.

I'm surprised a bit of bad weather puts him off going outside though. Presuming you're in the UK, apart from ice, it's never too cold to exercise outside, certainly not running.

My friend is an elite runner and has this type of physique. It’s not attractive to some women but if he is happy and healthy just take it as a consequence of his training and lifestyle, I wouldn’t say anything.

It seems to me that his weight/size is a complete red herring, and the actual issue is that you have nothing in common and are completely incompatible. I’m also fascinated to know how on earth you got together in the first place?

I'm a little bit co fused by your post as first you asked is he too skinny. Well no he's probably not too skinny he's just lower end of 'normal'.

But then you go on to explain that his lifestyle you feel is restrictive and he makes you feel bad about your (also perfectly normal) weight.

I can totally understand the second part, it's sounds as though you'd like him to loosen up a bit.

It sounds like you're just two different people, neither is doing anything wrong.

I wouldn't particularly like to be with someone who didn't enjoy the odd takeaway with me or who spent so many hours exercising. But that doesn't mean it's wrong to be health conscious and exercise mad.

You're a size 12.... You are NOT fat!!!!

My inlaws are cyclists. They are members of clubs. They cycle in all weather. When they are not working they are cycling or at a cycling event or participating in a competition.

They spend thousands on gear. They all work, before work they either run or cycle. They work, come home and go cycling. One guy even runs on his lunch break. They all have sporting equipment in their homes.

Every weekend they spend with their clubs cycling over rough terrain. If their wives want to go out they are told to come watch them. All the wives know how intense they are. They end up spending their free time with each other. The guys are never home only to shower, eat and sleep.

Their holidays are cycling holidays. They are all very slim, much slimmer than their wives. While their wives are average weight they look heavier than their husbands, that's because cyclists are rarely overweight. I guess at first people look and think wow you're very slim about the blokes, even if I haven't seen them in a bit, I do still be a little shocked but then totally don't notice. I've been shopping with the wives, I know one wears a size 8 but I would have thought she was 14 beside her husband, he's the slimmest of them all.

It's up to you if you want to change your weight. I don't think a 12 is big. Beside your dp you are going to look bigger. Probably better to accept he's a cyclists will always focus on his weight and fitness and will always be much slimmer looking. He'll also put cycling before everything.

It sounds like you are insecure and it is affecting your relationship with your boyfriend. I also have a partner who is very fit, he loves exercise, doesn't see it as a chore, eats healthy, rarely overindulges/has takeaways/drinks/smokes and to be honest I think similar to you, it sometimes makes me feel like a fat/lazy shit. But instead of getting resentful or jealous, or letting it make me feel bad about myself, I had a look at myself and tried to figure out WHY it made me feel bad that my boyfriend was so fit and healthy.

I realised I was insecure about my weight, about my exercise habits, I wanted to be healthier and slimmer, and be a better person with food. So I decided to try and change my habits which has really helped with not resenting my boyfriend and not feeling upset when he goes on a 3 hour MMA session or refuses to get a kebab because its unhealthy.

From your posts and replies it sounds like you are upset and insecure about your weight and eating habits in comparison with your boyfriends. You can either let this resentment ruin your relationship or throw yourself into trying to improve your insecurities (however this may be). Why don't you try and go for a bike ride together?

I also think it sounds like he is getting a bit too obsessive with the cycling, its fair enough to have a hobby but you should be able to spend some time together in the week. Have a chat with him and ask him to cut it down a bit so you can watch a film together or make dinner together. And maybe pick up some hobbies yourself so you aren't sat at home missing him.

You're a size 12....You are NOT fat!!!!

You have no idea whether the OP is fat as she hasn't stated her height or her BMI.

A fairly short person can of course be fat and a size 12, especially if we're talking size 12 in the style of clothes that don't have a zip or a button.

He isn't a fantastic boyfriend for you if you feel you don't spend enough time together as lovely as he may be. As others have said, how will it work if you have kids? Will he basically not see them all week and also be letting you do all the home chores/childcare at weekends while he does his hours of cycling? Your lifestyles sound very different and it's OK to want someone who enjoys doing similar things to you.

My ex loved going out to pubs several times a week and I'm more of a meals out occasionally and nights in person. While that didn't split us up, it didn't help as we didn't get much time together and we didn't massively enjoy doing each others preferred activities. Now I'm with DP who pretty much enjoys the same things I do, it's so easy and we make each other happy effortlessly.

I don't think you should feel you have to lose weight in order to "look right" next to him or that you should engage in his hobbies if they don't appeal to you. But equally, if you feel you'd be at your happiest at a size 8 and joining him (at least some of the time) in the healthy eating and exercise then give it a go and see if you can both be happy with that.

It's totally your choice and now is the time to look at your relationship and make an active decision on whether you're right together or not.