Is my boyfriend too skinny?

[GraceCes]

My boyfriend is 6’1 and 10 1/2 stone. He has a 28” waist. He is a cyclist and a runner. He works 12-hour shifts. He rarely ever drinks alcohol and drinks healthy juice and a lot of water and eats healthy food.

I don’t often seen guys who are around the same height as he is who are as slim as he is. He doesn’t look anorexic and looks very much like a stereotypical professional cyclist, but I think he should be at least 13 stone for his height, surely.

I know that it’s wrong to compare your current partner to an ex, but my ex-boyfriend is 6ft and he’s about 15-16 stone. Even when I compare (urgh, I feel bad doing it) my boyfriend to my male friends and my girl friends’s partners, he is by far the slimmest and athletic looking. Heck, he’s even lighter than most of my girl friends, lol.

I know that one’s BMI is not the most accurate thing to go by, but his BMI is on the lower side for his age and height.

I think a lot of my thoughts come from envy because I’m not exactly skinny.

I think you don't find him physically attractive. That's fine...we like what we like.

Call it a day

I think part of all of this is that he mot likely doesn't see food as a 'treat' - he sees it as fuel, and because his exercise is so important to him, he wants to fuel his body with the best quality nutrition. His diet isn't 'restrictive' to him - but he won't see the point in putting empty calories and grease into his mouth when he could be fuelling well. When you eat the way he does, foods like that do become less appealing, and even unpalatable.

Same with the 5am run - I'm also a fan. I don't see that as a chore, it's something I look forward to as some alone-time and is like a moving meditation.

The only sign that could be troubling (as in possibly indicating an addiction to exercise), is his actions when he can't get his chosen exercise. I'm not a fan of running in the rain, so if it's chucking it down, I skip it. I don't replace it with something else because I know I already exercise loads. When I was an exercise addict, I couldn't do that. I'd get anxious if I had to skip any exercise. On the other hand, if he is competing, he won't want to skip any workouts, so it does sort of depend.

@GraceCes. But that’s the thing I am very very active. I run 35 miles a week. I eat very healthy. It’s just the way I’m built. And also my DH cycles 14 miles to work and back 5 days a week. Fair enough he’s only done it for the past month and he’s not lost or gained a single pound in weight.

I can't gain weight in a healthy fashion, not meaningfully. I once managed to get to 57kg from 52kg, which is a big increase for me but it required totally changing my diet and exercise routine, and given the amount of exercise I already do and having to shift some focus from my actual sport to pure weight training and it actually turned out to be detrimental anyway

I could probably manage it with steroids

What an odd post. One of my kids is over 6’ and weighs in at considerably less than your partner. They are healthy as an ox and super fit and sporty. High metabolism and always on the go. They certainly don’t restrict their food intake and while they have a very healthy diet generally they occasionally have a pizza (will inhale the whole thing themselves), hot takeaway chips etc, probably one night a week for that kind of food and they would have what is generally considered an unhealthy lunch around once a week. They don’t drink at all and don’t even have tea or coffee, not because ‘it’s bad for you’, they just don’t like it. Very occasionally they have the odd hot chocolate. All in all they look like the human version of a greyhound. Very hard for them to get pants long enough that don’t immediately drop to their ankles or look ridiculous when secured tightly with a belt.

I certainly hope they never have a girlfriend that thinks or writes this sort of thing about them.

OP, people like different things (different foods, different exercises etc). There are a lot of couples who like different things and spend time separately doing hobbies but also spend lots of time together.

But it seems you're unable to accept that you have different interests and his hobbies have become obsessions.

Ladies, would it bother you if your partner went cycling for hours and hours a day six days a week?
Yes, it would and you're clearly not happy with this. Have you spoken to him about how unhappy you are?

My dad is 6’ tall and weighed 10.5 stone until his early forties. He was active, played a lot of indoor soccer, loves to garden, but eats a ton, and he still, at 73, likes to walk long distances, do DIY etc. So, it’s a combination of genes and not being able to sit still. I take after him, in terms of height, build, I love to be active, and being able to eat large quantities of food, which is a huge blessing.

*On a weekend he would rather go out on his bike for hours and hours than spend time with me. Instead of staying in bed until about 7, he is up at about 5 and goes for a run with his dogs. He gets really agitated if the weather is bad and uses his indoor trainer in the garage and won’t stop until he’s pouring of sweat.

Instead of having a takeaway together, he refuses to have any junk food so there have been times when I’ve had a pizza or so kebab and he’s had a salad or something similar. He’s a fantastic cook and cooks plenty of nice meals, but would it really be that bad for him to have a little treat once in a blue moon?*

This does ring alarm bells for me.

Does he ever skip a session? What happens if he does? If he does have a treat what happens?

Nothing wrong with exercising and being healthy. But if he is doing it to the detriment of his relationship and he can’t NOT do it, it’s a problem.

What do you want out of the relationship o/p? Yes he’s a nice man, but think forward. Do you want children? How will that sit if he can’t change his training routine?

You will be left with the child/ren on your own every evening and weekend while he is off cycling or in the garage on the turbo...

@GraceCes

Ladies, would it bother you if your partner went cycling for hours and hours a day six days a week?

is this the real problem? that you think he devotes to much time to his sports hobby?

@GraceCes
Men who cycle can be obsessive about it. They get an endorphin high, I think, and riding every couple of days is quite normal.
Men who do this often complain when their women nag them, but the riding wins.....every time.
It is good for women to have hobbies of their own for this reason 👍

They like riding with their riding mate/s who can keep up with them.

Your partner sounds pretty typical for a cyclist.. does he enter comps at all?

I am 5' 11" and from the age of 16 to 42 was 11st. I was always into all sports, particularly cycling, running and badminton. Back then in the seventies to nineties, everyone seemed to be slimmer.

Your bf is a healthy BMI and has a healthy lifestyle.

DH is a similar height and was a similar weight / lifestyle when I met him in his early twenties. He was skinny because he had nothing on his chest although he had muscles on his arms. He's filled out as he's matured, even though his lifestyle and diet hasn't changed. Some men continue to mature into their twenties in terms of their build.

He used to commute 16 miles a day (each way) until quite recently and then go cycling on the weekend for most of the day. He still does a fair amount of cycling.

So no I don't have a problem with him cycling a lot - provided he fits it into the rest of his life and it doesn't impinge on DS and I too much. This is the key bit. Otherwise it is taking the piss. Using his commute as an opportunity to do that is ideal on several fronts in terms of cost, using time efficiency and keeping healthy

However this sentence has made me wonder a little if this post is a reverse...
Ladies, would it bother you if your partner went cycling for hours and hours a day six days a week?

That's not quite a comment I would expect from a woman. Wording isn't quite right.

So really this isn’t about him at all, it’s you projecting your own insecurity about your own health and physique onto him. He has his hobby, he’s a bit obsessive about it (annoying and common) and so you have to decide if this is working for you. If not, move on.

But you feeling bad about yourself and resentful of his cycling is not going to make you very happy long term.

I think it comes down to the fact that I’m a size 12, but I feel fat and when I’m walking in public with him all sorts of things go through my head e.g. “What is such a slim guy like him doing with a woman who is heavier than he is?” Etc. It’s more to do with my own doubts about my own appearance more than anything because I used to be a size 8.

I think your thread title is misleading - not deliberately, but the more you write the more the real issues are coming to the fore. He is a healthy weight for his height. He has a higher BMI than my partner does. But this is making you feel insecure. That is your issue, not his, so don't make it his.

As for the cycling for hours and hours, it would bother me if someone were that absorbed by a hobby or activity that I felt neglected. But you need to think then about whether you can accept this and whether you're compatible. You could ask him to change, but he would be well within his rights not to want to.

My DH is 5'11" and weighs 10st 3lb. He is very fit, eats a lot and has always been slender. he has a good body through doing weights, yoga and swimming most mornings. I sometimes wonder how his little leg hold him up but i fancy him like mad.

DP is 6ft tall and about 11.5 stone. He isn't skinny, but definitely slim.

Instead of having a takeaway together, he refuses to have any junk food so there have been times when I’ve had a pizza or so kebab and he’s had a salad or something similar. He’s a fantastic cook and cooks plenty of nice meals, but would it really be that bad for him to have a little treat once in a blue moon?

That doesn't mean anything. DP eats kebabs, fried chicken or pizza when he wants and I refuse because I'd rather have grilled fish and salad than junk food. When he brings treats back from the shops, his are snacks or cake, but he brings back natural yoghurt and posh fruit for me.

I'm still a fat bastard. I'm just a fat bastard who doesn't like junk food and eats too much of what isn't junk.

I also hate being stuck in the house or wasting daylight by lazing around in bed and, if it weren't for lockdown, would be out or in the gym first thing every Saturday morning (and a couple of times during the week), as disability means I can't go for runs or cycle rides.

It's OK to have different sleeping patterns, it's OK to like different foods, it's OK to like being out and moving, seeing pretty scenery rather than eating pizza in bed. He's not obsessively building 'bulk', he's not buying steroids at the gym or worrying about not being big enough. As long as he is eating sufficient nutrients and is having plenty of calcium as well as his aerobic and weightbearing exercise, he could simply be the appropriate build for somebody who excels at endurance sports.

So is this about his weight or about him not spending enough time at home with you?
If it’s his weight I think you’re projecting your insecurities into him, maybe you could find a exercise that you like.
If it’s that he’s never home and is always out cycling, then it’s not really his weight.

15st on 6ft sounds overweight. He sounds fit but if you don’t fancy him, why are you with him? Personally I prefer slim and athletic to chunky men but each to their own.

Just only this to add that to people that don’t eat takeaways, they get to a place where the smell/sight of takeaway pizzas and kebabs and such physically put them off. They don’t see them as treats but the exact opposite.
(Of course this doesnt apply to homemade from scratch versions)

He could have an eating disorder where he is compelled to be restrictive in his eating and then burn off calories furiously to compensate.
Does he have a spreadsheet or a calorie/food tracker app that he is obsessive about? He needs these rules to keep himself safe or to push down feelings.
It's all very well but it's obviously affecting your relationship. His relationship with his need to EXCEL is the third person that gets between him and you. You feel he loves cycling more than you and you are probably right. You need to bring how you feel to his attention because I doubt he's noticing

It’s about you. He’s sorted. You sound as though you want someone to make you feel better about your life choices.

I would be more concerned about the sheer amount of time he spends cycling.
I have two sons one is 6'4" and 11 stone 7. Helooks slim but not skinny.
The other is 6'1" and 10 stone 7. He does look skinny and spends his pife trying to gain weight. He once got up to 11 stone and did look better for it but his weight dropped down again.

I have actually heard larger women saying ‘ooh I couldn’t be with a slim man, I’d snap him!’ but can you imagine a man saying something similar about a woman’s weight.

Do you suspect exercise anorexia or food restriction or is he genuinely at a healthy weight?