to feel food gets in the way of friendships these days?

[bringincrazyback]

Vaguely inspired by various threads on here, but not a TAAT as the point I want to make is only tangentially related to those threads.

AIBU to feel that food logistics tend to really get in the way of friendships these days? Perhaps it's just my age, but these days it seems all meetups seem to have to revolve around a meal. It didn't used to be like that. People just used to get together over drinks (I don't necessarily mean a booze-up, I mean a few drinks in a pub, or a cafe in the daytime, or a few coffees at each other's houses) and this used to leave people a lot freer to concentrate on actually making conversation and catching up. Nowadays it seems like it's all about the food, leading to dilemmas about types of food, food intolerances, disagreements over restaurant choices, budgets, whether a specific restaurant is kid-friendly, vegan-friendly, etc etc etc... it just seems to me as though a lot of tensions arise around friendships, purely based on the food element of socialising, and it seems a pity.

I get that food can be a pleasure, but I just think eating out is overrated a lot of the time and I miss the days when it was a really special treat (e.g. for a birthday) rather than an everyday thing like it seems to be now. Plus the whole kerfuffle of deciding what to have, keeping kids under control, having to ask for missing cutlery/condiments etc, constant interruptions from the wait staff, working out how to split the bill, etc etc etc tends to really dull the enjoyment of a meal out for me as it just seems you can't really ever get a conversation going properly. I see my friends to talk to them, not to eat food, and I haven't missed restaurants one iota since lockdown started.

Surely I'm not the only one?

YABU = no, socialising is better with food.
YANBU = sometimes food does get in the way and it would be nice just to concentrate on talking and catching up.

I honestly have no idea of what you re talking about. It has never been a problem for me, yes some socialising happens around a meal time and we really enjoy it as all my friends love food. Others happen over a drink. I personally think you may be looking too much into this, but that's just me.

YABU but not for the reasons you’ve put in your voting criteria.
Food has never got in the way of my friendships. We often eat out together but can honestly say we’ve never had any arguments or friction about where to eat. No disagreements about restaurant choice, and when we do eat out I can’t say that any of the things you’ve listed have affected the experience.
Weird!

My friends and I eat out together often (or at least did!) and have never had any of the drama or angst you're describing.

Going for a coffee in a cafe or to a pub still has similar issues as you list for going for a meal.

Eg. Going to a cafe is such a nightmare, it's a problem finding somewhere that's convenient for everyone, that everyone enjoys, that isn't a chain etc. Then you've got to find somewhere that has space for a pram, or several prams and some friends have older children so it needs to have space for them and some child friendly options that they'll drink. Most people who go for coffee will probably want a cake or flapjack so there's allergies and dietary requirements to consider. Then you've got the kerfuffle of deciding which drink you want, usually on a board so you've got to take it in turns to watch the children so that you can go and order, or have to keep the children occupied in the queue. You can't book a table so you've got to hope that there's one available and then have the drama of people reserving tables for their friends who haven't arrived yet when nobody has ordered and you're there waiting to sit down. It's a nightmare when you can't get a seat because someone is nursing the last 2ml of their coffee so they can sit and work there all afternoon. Then you finall sit down and someone interrupts your conversation to bring you your drinks. Someone might come later to check if everything is ok and that ruins the flow. Honestly, it's such a hassle. I don't know why people don't just book a meal and go for lunch as it would be much less stressful.

Its entirely possible to write any social occasion up in a way that suggests it's horrendously onerous.

I've not voted as I don't really get what you're talking about.

My social interactions don't revolve around food, and when I do meet friends for food it's no problem, I'm the fussiest eater I know and even I just eat whatever I can or just have cake!

I think people tend to live further apart from their friends these days and so it's much more practical to meet up and include a meal in that time. I often go for a drink or two after work with colleagues, but if I'm meeting up with friends then I have to finish work, travel to a meeting place, have a drink, travel home, and then start cooking. Unless I want to eat at 10pm it doesn't leave very much time to actually see and chat to my friends. If we meet up in a restaurant or at each others houses for dinner its much easier to see each other for longer.

Food has never got in the way of my friendships. We often eat out together but can honestly say we’ve never had any arguments or friction about where to eat. No disagreements about restaurant choice, and when we do eat out I can’t say that any of the things you’ve listed have affected the experience.

You're lucky. I've had a couple of 'friends' literally drop me because I 'always left it up to them to come up with restaurant suggestions' (yeah, that'd be because I don't frigging care where I eat, or even whether we eat, because I'm meeting up to see them, not eat food). OK, so that obviously makes them shit friends, but it may provide some background as to where I'm coming from here.

@Strugglingtodomybest

I've not voted as I don't really get what you're talking about.

My social interactions don't revolve around food, and when I do meet friends for food it's no problem, I'm the fussiest eater I know and even I just eat whatever I can or just have cake!

I agree. I often meet friends without food involved - coffee at someone's house, walk round the park or drinks in the evening. A meal out or even visit to a cafe is a rare occurrence, maybe once every few months.

I've had a couple of 'friends' literally drop me because I 'always left it up to them to come up with restaurant suggestions'
That is really weird. Do you just say "I dont mind" to every suggestion as I could see that would be annoying

Yabu. I don't see my friends very often so it's a nice treat to have lunch in a cafe or pub. My friends and I have never argued about food or where to go

Also, when you have young kids its almost impossible to go to a cafe and just order drinks, they will want some cake or something to eat and a 3yo wouldnt really understand if you said they could just have a drink

Two if my friends and I make each other regular lunches at our homes and making the lunch (something simple like homemade scones and soup) is a nice way of showing love to our friends. I guess we stared as a lunchtime thing to fit around our childrens naps and it was nice to make something to eat when we were breastfeeding

YABU to have got it into your head that socialising has become food related across the board.

Generally puzzled by your post tbh. My friends and I have never stopped meeting for a coffee or a drink.

And yes, we often still meet just for a coffee or drink. Or go to each other’s houses for a coffee or a drink in the evening.

It's not the food at all your issue, it's the fussiness and lack of manners.

It's on MN that I discovered that some people actually present a menu when they invite friends over for diner or ask them if the food choice are suitable, that some people expect some specific food.

It used to be that people eat what they were given, warning or staying away from certain dish only in case of genuine allergies or real medical issues and that it was more than rude to decline something because you "didn't quite like it". It wasn't a big deal and everybody had a good time.

It's only on MN that I discovered that a "vegetarian option" what a must-have for any wedding or party for example!

Thankfully there are still some easy-going and well-mannered people in the world and none of that nonsense.

Eating out has always been a lazy option for us, not a treat in any way unless we go to a really nice place, so it depends really.

I think it might be your friends to be honest. I often meet mine at our houses or for a coffee. And when we do go out to eat its usually an easy Nandos or Harvester type of thing.

It's only on MN that I discovered that a "vegetarian option" what a must-have for any wedding or party for example!

Thankfully there are still some easy-going and well-mannered people in the world and none of that nonsense.

So if you have a friend or relative who’s vegetarian, would you prefer them to attend and sit and not eat while every tucks into their dinners, or would you simply not invite them?

I've had a couple of 'friends' literally drop me because I 'always left it up to them to come up with restaurant suggestions'

If you've never made an effort to input or organise, I can understand why they dropped you.

YABU but not for the reasons you’ve put in your voting criteria. Food has never got in the way of my friendships. We often eat out together but can honestly say we’ve never had any arguments or friction about where to eat. No disagreements about restaurant choice, and when we do eat out I can’t say that any of the things you’ve listed have affected the experience.

I'd agree with this, broadly. I have an acquaintance that I'd actively avoid eating out with because she makes a drama out of where he sits and what he chooses but that's something that happened wherever we went, it wasn't specific to restaurants.

YABU. It’s only a problem on MN. In real life it’s not an issue, you just get on with it.

I think it depends on what people enjoy. My parents never ate out. So therefore neither did I. When I was late teens I used to always find an excuse to get out the work meals. Then I got a boyfriend and I remember going to places like frankie and Benny's and it was nice. But I was abit meh about it.

I started going out more between 21-25 for pub meals with my friend or my boyfriend. My sister enjoys eating out in pubs and things. But now I have kids I really don't enjoy it. But that's because mine are little. My five year old is fairly good now. But my son has no patience in life. He wants to run about and gets quite shouty if we sit down to eat anywhere.

I often feel it's forced hunger with me too. Like I'm either too hungry and eat on the way or I am not hungry and don't want to eat.

So it's definitely not my thing.

It's funny you say this though as earlier me and my partner were on about socialising with children. From the minute our kids are born you have the midwife saying go to your local sure start center and mix and make friends. That's great if you really want too. But is it so bad to want to stay home with your baby who will just fall asleep or be hungry the hour that class is on? It's all very much playdates now. Push yourself to ask the mums around for coffee. Push yourself to arrange playdates. But is it not ok to feel you have enough on with your kids, home and family and work to not have desire to be dragging the kids out for "softplay and cafe fun" because it often isn't fun. Especially if you have a toddler who doesn't want to sit still.

Anyway gone off subject. I think it has changed since I was a kid to be fair. I don't find meals fun. I enjoy days out. Walking. Shopping. Or cuppa and Chat at home more. But many seem to enjoy it.

That is really weird. Do you just say "I dont mind" to every suggestion as I could see that would be annoying

No, if suggestions are put to me I'll happily say yay or nay, it just never occurs to me to say 'hey, why don't we go to restaurant X?' which apparently was a cardinal sin. I'm just not that fussed what I actually eat, so I don't really care enough to study new restaurants' menus online or anything like that, which these people did.

It could well just be my friends as a pp has suggested. Certain people in my life do make a real song and dance about all this stuff and it does tend to spoil things, for me anyway.

As a Coeliac I entirely understand where you are coming from
OP. It makes some relationships very stressful for me. 🙁

It used to be that people eat what they were given, warning or staying away from certain dish only in case of genuine allergies or real medical issues and that it was more than rude to decline something because you "didn't quite like it". It wasn't a big deal and everybody had a good time.

It's only on MN that I discovered that a "vegetarian option" what a must-have for any wedding or party for example!

Wow, so you genuinely think that vegetarians/vegans/the mildly intolerant to something should just eat what they're given?

I cook a LOT for other people and the manners work both ways - it's up to the host to ask about allergies/preferences (as well as the guest to flag it up) and cook round it. It's not difficult to make something vegetarian or vegan, or that doesn't contain a certain ingredient.

As for 'everyone had a good time' I can almost guarantee that those who felt pressured to go against their ethics or eat something that they didn't like would not have had a good time. A good time is where everyone is comfortable, and that comes from the host.

It sounds to me like for your friends this is a “mental load” issue and it would apply whether you had to choose a pub as well as a restaurant - they are doing the bulk of the organising and you just rock up. Is that fair?

If you've never made an effort to input or organise, I can understand why they dropped you.

You're extrapolating. I never said that. I made plenty of suggestions for things we could all do together, but apparently it was still a big deal that I 'never' suggested restaurants (even though I occasionally did, just because it seemed so important to them).

It sounds to me like for your friends this is a “mental load” issue and it would apply whether you had to choose a pub as well as a restaurant - they are doing the bulk of the organising and you just rock up. Is that fair?

See my response to a pp above.