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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel food gets in the way of friendships these days?

102 replies

bringincrazyback · 23/07/2020 12:04

Vaguely inspired by various threads on here, but not a TAAT as the point I want to make is only tangentially related to those threads.

AIBU to feel that food logistics tend to really get in the way of friendships these days? Perhaps it's just my age, but these days it seems all meetups seem to have to revolve around a meal. It didn't used to be like that. People just used to get together over drinks (I don't necessarily mean a booze-up, I mean a few drinks in a pub, or a cafe in the daytime, or a few coffees at each other's houses) and this used to leave people a lot freer to concentrate on actually making conversation and catching up. Nowadays it seems like it's all about the food, leading to dilemmas about types of food, food intolerances, disagreements over restaurant choices, budgets, whether a specific restaurant is kid-friendly, vegan-friendly, etc etc etc... it just seems to me as though a lot of tensions arise around friendships, purely based on the food element of socialising, and it seems a pity.

I get that food can be a pleasure, but I just think eating out is overrated a lot of the time and I miss the days when it was a really special treat (e.g. for a birthday) rather than an everyday thing like it seems to be now. Plus the whole kerfuffle of deciding what to have, keeping kids under control, having to ask for missing cutlery/condiments etc, constant interruptions from the wait staff, working out how to split the bill, etc etc etc tends to really dull the enjoyment of a meal out for me as it just seems you can't really ever get a conversation going properly. I see my friends to talk to them, not to eat food, and I haven't missed restaurants one iota since lockdown started.

Surely I'm not the only one?

YABU = no, socialising is better with food.
YANBU = sometimes food does get in the way and it would be nice just to concentrate on talking and catching up.

OP posts:
Fairybird · 23/07/2020 16:21

@WorraLiberty

What you describe in your OP, is very Mumsnet.

It doesn't resemble my real life at all.

This 100%. In real life outside mumsnet there’s not this many overly fussy people, drama inducers or people who pander to and indulge pinickityness . Everyone just gets on with it and has a good time. I think more meet ups include food now more than they used to for all the reasons other PPs have mentioned:

  1. Rise of foodie culture. People love eating out and the joy of food. Most people see food not as just sustenance these days but a sociable activity to share with friends. Trying new foods and restaurants adds variety and joy to everyday life and is a more affordable and inclusive and easily accessed activity that adds a bit of variety to everyday boring life compared to other things. I love trying new places to eat with friends and looking at menus. Lots of friends use meet ups as an excuse to try foods or restaurants they’ve been dying to try.

  2. More likely get a seat and a table altogether if going out for a meal than looking for a table in a cafe or pub. Booking a time ensures you have a guaranteed free table and seats for that time for all of you. It can be a nightmare traipsing the streets at 7pm or a busy lunchtime looking for somewhere to sit for a group of friends.

  3. People probably see each other less frequently and also tend to live further apart from friends than they may have done in the past and commutes eat up a lot of time so might try and make meet ups more ‘treatful’. Makes sense to eat together, drink together spend longer together etc.. It’s just a different culture these days regarding food and socialising.

fortheloveofcrisps · 23/07/2020 16:34

Yanbu.

Mum's nights with the school would have been much more fun just for drinks but a hard core few always want a meal.

DysonFury · 23/07/2020 16:49

Nope, not here OP!

Ribrabrob · 23/07/2020 16:59

I voted just because I wanted to see the results.

I think your comments are a bit strange OP. Why does eating out have to be as a ‘treat’? Personally I think it’s nice that eating out is the norm now because I just can’t help but think that if going out to a cafe is classed as a fun treat, what kind of life is that?!

WorraLiberty · 23/07/2020 17:07

@Ribrabrob

I voted just because I wanted to see the results.

I think your comments are a bit strange OP. Why does eating out have to be as a ‘treat’? Personally I think it’s nice that eating out is the norm now because I just can’t help but think that if going out to a cafe is classed as a fun treat, what kind of life is that?!

What kind of like is that?

What kind of ridiculously snobby comment is that? Hmm

Going out to eat in a cafe is a fun treat for many people. Especially those who can't afford to do it very often.

BlingLoving · 23/07/2020 17:10

I love eating out. And I have a couple of girlfriends who also love eating out and so that's a big part of our friendship, although not all.

Other times eating out is convenient because the only time we can ditch the kids is in the evening when DHs are home and frankly then I want something to eat as otherwise I'm going to be starving (although I do have one friend who prefers to meet for movies/ drinks as she eats at 5pm! Grin which is fine).

I do often see threads on here where it all seems awfully complicated. But I don't think that's about the food. I think there are certain people/relationships that over complicate things whether that's agonising over where to eat, what someone said, money etc. eg, threads where one person is skint. One of my best "foodie" friends and I have had moments like this. She suggests restaurant that I'd normally jump at. Am feeling skint. I reply with "money's tight currently, how about that curry place?" She says sure. But on here, it's always some big drama and people can't be honest or their friends won't accept that they're broke or whatever. It's so weird. Ditto diet. At various times me or friends have had restrictive diets for one reason or another (low carb, vegetarian, coeliac etc) and we just find a restaurant that works for all. It's really not that big a deal so can never understand why it turns into one according to MN.

WorraLiberty · 23/07/2020 17:10

*Life

Thisismytimetoshine · 23/07/2020 17:14

It's just you, op...

BarbedBloom · 23/07/2020 17:22

With the question about family dining, or dinner parties I do normally eat what I am given but I couldn't eat anything with aniseed or liver. Those two things make me feel unwell. I will never forget the guy who wouldn't take my word for it when I said I didn't like liver as I had never eaten it. The smell of it cooking made me leave the house. He kept nagging and nagging and eventually I tried some. Rushed straight to the toilet and threw up. My friend was very cross with the man in question and didn't invite him again.

The only other thing I couldn't eat was fish that a friend had simmered in water. It was a texture thing. It made me gag and I just couldn't eat it. I was very apologetic and ate everything else, but even my DH said privately afterwards that it was a bit tasteless and he slipped half to the cat.

Chestnut23 · 23/07/2020 17:22

YANBU. I have a friend who meeting up means a three course meal, wine and coffee afterwards. She gets a new outfit, hair, nails and an updo each time. The price of the meal alone feels like money down the drain for me. I can only imagine how much it would cost me to catch up with her in the looks department too!

SilverOnToast · 23/07/2020 17:23

My mum is exactly like you, OP. She loves seeing friends and eats to live rather than lives to eat, iyswim? I have celiac, so am more of a pain to cater for. I used to find "coming out" as celiac stressful, as I'd worry people would consider me fussy, but I live in America now and it's really not an issue at all here.

In my experience, I've found there to be a lot more faff and snobbishness about choosing a restaurant among my friends in England. Maybe this is the kind of thing you mean, OP? Its always no "chains", no Starbucks, ethically sound, etc. Obviously these are important things, but these factors can take over and become stressful.

Here in my state, my friends love a good independent, local restaurant, but it's not a faux pas to suggest a chain for a meet up, and absolutely everywhere caters for kids and special diets, so the whole experience does feel a lot less stressful!

It's like the choice of restaurant is not a reflection of your personality- it's just a place to eat. I think that does come down to the friendship group you belong to in part though...

TheSoapyFrog · 23/07/2020 17:23

I think your friendship group is the problem here tbh. With my friends, we pick a restaurant or pub, go and eat and drink and have a lovely time. I'm the only one with kids and prefer not to bring them if I'm honest, but even if I do, the same still applies.

itsgettingweird · 23/07/2020 20:30

I'm wheat intolerant.

There's usually something on a menu I can have most places. Plain meat, spuds of some sort and salad.

K just usually carry some sort of WF snack if I'm meeting friend in an open space and getting coffee from a small outlet to takeaway just in case.

It's certainly never been an issue

Original poster
bringincrazyback · 23/07/2020 20:34

I think your comments are a bit strange OP. Why does eating out have to be as a ‘treat’? Personally I think it’s nice that eating out is the norm now because I just can’t help but think that if going out to a cafe is classed as a fun treat, what kind of life is that?!

I think yours are a bit strange too. I didn't mean going to a cafe at all, and I never said I did! To give an example, there's a restaurant near where I live whose food really is something special and I do like to go there to celebrate birthday/anniversaries etc. Similarly where DH and I go on holiday we have a favourite restaurant we like to visit. Personally I enjoy the 'treat' element of these meals out, but I'd enjoy them far less if I ate out a lot because it wouldn't feel so special. Of course a cafe's not a 'fun treat' (well, not for adults anyway) and I never said it was.

I think your friendship group is the problem here tbh.

Less so now, I don't see the people I'm talking about any more, and I don't miss them. The 'choosing restaurants' business was just the tip of the iceberg tbh.

In my experience, I've found there to be a lot more faff and snobbishness about choosing a restaurant among my friends in England. Maybe this is the kind of thing you mean, OP? Its always no "chains", no Starbucks, ethically sound, etc. Obviously these are important things, but these factors can take over and become stressful.

Yes, sort of. Most of the time food is just fuel to me. Generally speaking I don't mind what or where I eat, so I can't really get on board with complicated discussions about where to eat.

OP posts:
Glitteryone · 23/07/2020 20:36

I think you’re massively overthinking this.

bookmum08 · 23/07/2020 20:44

This isn't really a thing in my life but I sort of get what you mean.
I find it's very much a typical Mumsnet phrase though to say "just go for a nice meal" when talking about how to celebrate birthdays or keeping a wedding small or whatever. Food is fuel. It's there. It exists. But it's boring.I do have favourite foods and I do like Costa type places or somewhere like Pizza Hut but "going for a nice meal" is unbelievably boring and not something I particularly want to do regularly.
I live in an area with lots of restaurants and on weekends (non covid times) they seem to be heaving with large groups of friends - so I guess it is a thing for some people.

Cheeseislife2020 · 24/07/2020 10:30

I find getting no pleasure from food a bit strange actually. Have you struggled with disordered eating ? I am slim and petite and I enjoy good food, enjoying food doesn’t mean you’re some sort of greedy glutton

Callardandbowser · 24/07/2020 12:34

My husband is very functional about food and all talk of it bores him to death!
I love food and am slim but really enjoy eating.

phoenixrosehere · 24/07/2020 12:43

Yabu, however it also depends on personalities.

The thought of sitting in a pub just talking is boring to me whereas doing it in a restaurant or cafe with the option of some nice food and snacks is more enjoyable. Think it’s more with the atmosphere to be honest because I find most pubs depressing and having some type of sport on as background noise isn’t appealing.

lockdownalli · 24/07/2020 12:47

@DeeTractor

My friends and I eat out together often (or at least did!) and have never had any of the drama or angst you're describing.
Same here, despite one vegetarian, one vegan, one diabetic, out of group of five.

Been having meals out together regularly for over thirty years. No problems.

fergleson · 24/07/2020 13:00

I agree OP but I'm lucky, I'll eat and drink virtually anything. But I can't even have my friends round for a cuppa without fucking oat milk, soya milk, himalayan yak milk, fruit tea, vanilla latte, gluten free cake, wheat free biscuits, fair trade chocolate, you get the picture and none of these things has a medical foundation. The days of a cup of tetley with Tesco semi skimmed milk and a chocolate digestive are long gone Grin

MikeUniformMike · 24/07/2020 13:03

@Cheeseislife2020, finding eating quite mundane, isn't having an eating disorder.
I'm not keen on eating out because the food is often not the sort of thing I want to eat, and I wouldn't bother eating it at home.

When I was much younger, I would do the eating out as socialising when I was not that bothered about the food, often a late night mediocre curry or pizza. I was eating it just to be sociable, when I wasn't hungry and couldn't really afford it.

There are lots of things you can do as a group - it doesn't have to always be a meal

Original poster
bringincrazyback · 26/07/2020 13:57

I find getting no pleasure from food a bit strange actually. Have you struggled with disordered eating ? I am slim and petite and I enjoy good food, enjoying food doesn’t mean you’re some sort of greedy glutton

Nor did I say it did, and this isn't a weight-related issue. I've never suffered from disordered eating, I just mostly find food quite boring and apart from the odd special occasion I would rather spend time on other things.

OP posts:
Original poster
bringincrazyback · 26/07/2020 14:06

The thought of sitting in a pub just talking is boring to me whereas doing it in a restaurant or cafe with the option of some nice food and snacks is more enjoyable.

The former friends I talked about are the same about meeting without food and tbh I felt it said something about the friendships, that just chatting and catching up/enjoying each other's company apparently wasn't enough. It puzzles me why grown adults wouldn't be able to just sit and chat on at least some of the occasions without food having to be in the mix every single time.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 26/07/2020 15:02

I find that talking is easier if you are doing something, even if it is just walking.

Sitting at a table sharing a meal forces you to talk without the option to move away or be distracted.

I'd rather socialise doing something more active, whether it be walking round shops or ten pin bowling or a walk in the country or something.

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