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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Literally no effort-would this bother you?

72 replies

Whatnext2018 · 22/07/2020 22:08

Our Dd turned two this week, we received nothing from dp’s family, not even from her nana or auntie etc, no card, nothing.
It was the same with her first birthday.
They do send a Fb message or comment on my post/picture about Dd being two.
Is this normal? I find it so odd as my family aren’t like this and birthdays are a day to show how special a loved one is.
We live in another country but how hard is it to send a card? Even through Moonpig 🤷‍♀️
It makes me feel sad for my Dd, she obviously doesn’t understand at the moment, but will as time goes on.
There’s generally an excuse of having no money etc, but gifts are given between themselves, they just not bother with us.
I can’t help feeling pissed off with it, how hard can it be to make a little effort?
Would it bother you?

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Original poster
Whatnext2018 · 22/07/2020 22:09

*Don’t bother with us

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ShalomToYouJackie · 22/07/2020 22:10

It would bother me. From distant family, no but from your DPs parents, yes I'd be annoyed

Original poster
Whatnext2018 · 22/07/2020 22:16

@ShalomToYouJackie Yeah, I keep thinking about it and feeling angry, there’s generally some quick text on the day with an apology/excuse..I feel like not even engaging with them, I just don’t understand it, I could never do that 🤷‍♀️

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FlaskMaster · 22/07/2020 22:19

You're in another country! A FB message is all I'd expect in that situation tbh. A phonecall or Skype when she's old enough, maybe they could wire or PayPal you some money for a present. But I definitely wouldn't be posting a card or present to a different country.

islandislandisland · 22/07/2020 22:21

Half my family live abroad and I always send cards and gifts for birthdays even though it sometimes costs more with postage, moonnpig stuff just goes straight there so no excuse IMO

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/07/2020 22:22

Is she the only child in the family? If not, what are they like with older children? It could be they just don’t see the point of sending cards and presents to a child too young to know it’s her birthday and who wouldn’t be able to associate any present received in the post with the people who had sent it.

They comment or message on Facebook, which is entirely for you and DH, so they do acknowledge your feelings there. What were they like with your DH and his siblings as children? I think if it upsets you at the moment your DH needs to have a word with them.

Goodgriefimtired · 22/07/2020 22:22

Do you buy presents for their children, if they have any?

DH's family are a bit like this. Their children's birthdays are so low key as to be non existent. I don't think they've ever had a party for the kids, they send a text saying "cake at ours at 4 on Saturday" or whatever, and that really will be it, just the cake, no balloons, decorations or other food, no non family children present. They think I'm insane for doing anything more, but birthdays in my family have always been a bit bigger, we do a lower key Christmas than DH's lot. DH's lot don't really bother with presents for babies and toddlers either, as they say they're too young to know any better

MissRabbitIsExhausted · 22/07/2020 22:23

@FlaskMaster

You're in another country! A FB message is all I'd expect in that situation tbh. A phonecall or Skype when she's old enough, maybe they could wire or PayPal you some money for a present. But I definitely wouldn't be posting a card or present to a different country.
Really, from your child's grandparents? I would never understand why a grandparent couldn't send a card by post or Moonpig or the likes, for less than £5 to send a card to let your grandchild know your thinking of them on their birthday?

I know all families are different but I do find that really odd.

We have family in another country (extended not close) and I always send them cards at Christmas and birthdays!

SchrodingersImmigrant · 22/07/2020 22:29

If you buy for them and their children YANBU. It's really not that difficult to sort something internationally. Not at all unless you live in isolated house in the world.

Original poster
Whatnext2018 · 22/07/2020 22:29

Dd is an only and much longed for, after years of ivf etc. We don’t send anything to my sil’s kids as they are much older but definitely would if she had a little one. If I was a grandma/nana though, I can’t imagine not sending even a little card, seems weird to me!
Regardless of being in another country, Moonpig, Amazon etc are so easy to use, just a small acknowledgement would be nice.
My family are the opposite and it’s akways been normal to celebrate with cards, cake and gifts, everyone I know does, to be fair. His aren’t really like that as much but I think do get presents for one another, it’s just a total lack of effort and as our girl gets older, won’t that be strange?
It’s all too easy to just put a comment on a Fb post..that seems more about showing off to others (the comments are often over the top, when in reality, they do nothing)

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Original poster
Whatnext2018 · 22/07/2020 22:32

@MissRabbitIsExhausted I know! It’s just so easy and can be planned ahead of time, just a little thought, whether she understands or not yet isn’t really the point, just some caring and effort.

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SchrodingersImmigrant · 22/07/2020 22:36

Tbf though, you are not sending for their kids, so I get why SIL wouldn't bother, but grandparent should have.

Original poster
Whatnext2018 · 22/07/2020 22:39

@SchrodingersImmigrant Yes, I’m not as bothered about that, but nana, yes 🤷‍♀️

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LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 22/07/2020 22:51

How old are Sils children? Have you ever sent to them?

madcatladyforever · 22/07/2020 22:55

You're in another country! A FB message is all I'd expect in that situation tbh. A phonecall or Skype when she's old enough, maybe they could wire or PayPal you some money for a present. But I definitely wouldn't be posting a card or present to a different country.

You have to be kidding right? You don't even post a card to another country? That is the most selfish thing I've read in a long while.
My sisters were brought up in another country and I never failed to send them at least a card if not a lightweight gift or token of some kind.
A card sent abroad doesn't cost £100 for goodness sake its perfectly affordable even to Australia. They haven't died - they are just living abroad.

1moremum · 22/07/2020 22:55

the card sending habit is not a universal thing. I was never very good about it, preferred to make a phone call than send preprinted generic messages that usually end up in the rubbish.

your child will only be offended by their different habits if you teach her to be. even if their habits are to not be in touch very often by any means, it's possible to teach her that some people do that, and it is just as acceptable as the card sending habit.

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 22/07/2020 22:57

Why don’t you send to sils kids?!

1moremum · 22/07/2020 22:59

I'm also really offended by the idea that 'nana should have'. I am a grandma. Nothing about me and my habits and interests changes just because my child had a child. Choosing and sending cards is a pointless chore I don't do for anyone. Cards are not a universal obligation from grandmas, or anyone. they are a thing some people do, and others don't.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 22/07/2020 23:02

It would upset me - in fact, it did!

This is what DH's tight-*rsed family were like. We'd bought (often very expensive) presents for his brother's three kids - the youngest of theirs was 10 when our first was born. We haven't had so much as a birthday card, never mind a present.

It's very hurtful.

BumbleBeee69 · 22/07/2020 23:04

We don’t send anything to my sil’s kids as they are much older but definitely would if she had a little one

aahhh well there's your answer right there.. did you ever send them cards/gifts when they were younger ... Confused

worstwitch18 · 22/07/2020 23:08

As your DH doesn't send a card or presents to his sister's children, I wouldn't have expected anything from her.

But I would expect the grandparents to have done something more than a FB comment. Even a phone call or video call.

Kaiserin · 22/07/2020 23:09

Your DH's parents sound just like my parents... Some people are a bit shitty like that when it comes to kids birthdays. Makes me cringe a bit, when I see all the cards that DH's family showers us with at every opportunity.

But I think essentially, my own parent spent all their grand-parenting energy on my elder brother's kids, the novelty has worn off with my own DCs...

Original poster
Whatnext2018 · 22/07/2020 23:11

We sent when they were younger and brought gifts over at Christmas etc.
It’s not so much the sil as his mum really, well just the whole, never receiving anything for her off that side of the family..seems bizarre to me.

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Original poster
Whatnext2018 · 22/07/2020 23:14

It makes me feel bad for Dh too as it’s always all the effort from my parents, sister and brother etc and nothing from them..I imagine it must feel quite crappy/embarrassing that his daughter has never had anything from them.

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Original poster
Whatnext2018 · 22/07/2020 23:19

@1moremum I won’t be teaching my dd anything apart from acceptance and love. But won’t it be noticeable when she’s a bit older and all the love comes flooding in from my family and our friends (even two sets of neighbours on our street bought her gifts)
We had no phone call or message to Dh, only a WhatsApp apology to me (after I’d posted on Fb, which was in the afternoon)
Perhaps they’d all forgotten.

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