Literally no effort-would this bother you?

[Whatnext2018]

Our Dd turned two this week, we received nothing from dp’s family, not even from her nana or auntie etc, no card, nothing.
It was the same with her first birthday.
They do send a Fb message or comment on my post/picture about Dd being two.
Is this normal? I find it so odd as my family aren’t like this and birthdays are a day to show how special a loved one is.
We live in another country but how hard is it to send a card? Even through Moonpig 🤷‍♀️
It makes me feel sad for my Dd, she obviously doesn’t understand at the moment, but will as time goes on.
There’s generally an excuse of having no money etc, but gifts are given between themselves, they just not bother with us.
I can’t help feeling pissed off with it, how hard can it be to make a little effort?
Would it bother you?

@Ponoka7 They rarely visit and would prefer us to be there. They’re all always falling out and pretty toxic, i prefer not to be involved in any of the drama, but this aspect annoys me!

My ILs don't bother with my DD (7). I might get a message maybe twice a year but absolutely nothing else. Its very hard considering there was no fall out and their son my DDs Dad passed away. Some people are like this and no matter how angry or sad you get it won't change. Im used to it now though and DD doesn't ask about them anymore

It is disappointing that your ILs have not made more effort.

I won’t be teaching my dd anything apart from acceptance and love. But won’t it be noticeable when she’s a bit older and all the love comes flooding in from my family and our friends (even two sets of neighbours on our street bought her gifts)

Gifts and love are not one and the same.

We are in a country that receives Amazon etc, we’re only two hours away.

You are not being unreasonable.

Even living abroad, I'd most certainly expect a card from grandparents!

My mum once said to me, that you should send a card (at the absolute minimum & probably a gift as well) to anyone younger than you, who shares at least a quarter of your DNA.
That would include grandparents to grandkids, and uncles/aunties to nieces/nephews. Anyone further removed than that is at your discretion.

Is there a cultural reason maybe, to explain no card/gift?

Wouldn't bother me - my family never did cards, and we'll all just say happy birthday when we meet up again (admittedly, that might be a couple of years!)

DP's family do do cards, but I just can't see the point, they're opened, you go 'oh, that's nice' then they go on the side for a week or so then in the bin, it's such a waste! May as well just give someone a ring if you really need to.

@Whatnext2018 ffs I would be massively annoyed at this too.

They could have ordered something online for you to wrap for her from them - this is cheaper than posting a parcel most of the time - and then posting a card, even to another country, doesn't the earth.

I'd tell them how disappointed you are in them... that your daughter will be too when old enough. They don't need to spend a fortune, they don't even need to send a specific thing (ie card or present per se, it could be a thoughtful letter each year) but they do need to show that they care from a distance.

A quick text on the day doesn't cut it, and posting on Facebook pictures is just preformative.

It would piss me off tbh. I posted a card to Japan for 2.60 recently. I'm not into cards etc generally but always made sure that neices/nephews got one until they were adults. I still have birthday cards from long dead relatives that are a lovely keepsake.

My family give gifts very differently to my DHs family.

I realise now that they prefer to give in person rather than from a distance. So whilst they do not necessarily send a gift or card on DS birthday, they always buy him gifts when they see him (once or twice a year as we live in different countries). They do always call on his birthday to make a fuss and they always post on FB too.

My family place alot of importance on gifts/celebrations and make a much bigger deal of birthday's and Christmas than DHs family, and will always send gifts.

In my opinion it's just a different way of doing things, and not a reflection on who loves their grandchild the most.

My SIL also never bothers with DSs birthday, and nor do DS’s half sisters, who are all adults now. They all live 5 minutes away. Nothing. Unless I specifically invite them around the house, and then I’m lucky if one brings even a card, they stand around, not interacting with DS, eating all the cake, being hard work. They are surrounded by cards and presents all from my family, who are all from another country.

In my view it is definitely a clear sign of how much people care, or not. That they bother to send a card or present. People can hide behind ‘not being card people’ or whatever, but it is that young child’s special day, they haven’t got cynical yet, they want a fuss made of them, they want to know that people care. If you can’t make a fuss of a small child on their birthday and you are an immediate relation then you don’t care as much as you should.

Which is why I’m moving back to my home country where family actually care about DS.

DH's family are all abroad and we never get cards or presents for the children unless we are in their country on their birthday.

If they visit we will get presents at random times of the year or another relative might send something with the visiting relatives.

We get a phone call on birthdays. I've let it wash over me now. It's part of not living close to each other IMO.

@1moremum

I'm also really offended by the idea that 'nana should have'. I am a grandma. Nothing about me and my habits and interests changes just because my child had a child. Choosing and sending cards is a pointless chore I don't do for anyone. Cards are not a universal obligation from grandmas, or anyone. they are a thing some people do, and others don't.

This ☝️

A card would be nice, but I wouldn’t expect presents. I presume you chose to move abroad, I imagine the grandparents rarely see their grandchild, don’t know what stuff she likes etc. I think when you choose to move to another country you have to accept that sometimes this happens.

I'd be really unhappy at that. My niece and nephew live in Australia and I send them a card and presents for every birthday and Christmas plus a few extras inbetween. Moonpig is easy to use for cards and for presents I just order from a company based in Australia instead of sending from the UK.

The irony is that they always profess to wanting to be involved in her life, but make barely any effort. They’re also not happy when my family and sister come to stay, but don’t make the effort themselves 🤷‍♀️

This wouldn't bother me at all, we as a family are not the sending cards type. But we always call each other and give presents when we see each other. Thats for adults and kids, on the kids birthdays there is always a party (usually a huge one as there is so many of us). And to the previous poster just because we do things differently doesn't mean ths kids are loved any less! Also because you equate gifts with love you sound really materialistic. Gifts have nothing to do with love.

@Dillydallyingthrough Nope, I definitely don’t equate gifts with love. A small card would have been sweet or a letter or even a phone call on the day..just anything really! The same on her 1st birthday..just nothing.
I’m a very unmaterialistic person, it’s purely about the gesture and letting people know they’re thought of and special on their birthday.

I wa even considering offering to purchase something from them all and put it was from them at christmasses and birthdays for her?
Is that weird though?
I guess it’s their loss if they don’t want to bother.

I don’t think it is the gifts. You could draw on a piece of paper and give as a card. It is the bothering to do something that actually requires you to think and to remember.

It is one special day for an immediate family member. If you can’t remember and can’t then actually bother to do something - bake a cake, anything! Then your life revolves around yourself too much.

Some families are less ‘givers’ than others, and some people ‘just don’t give cards’ - however in my fairly extensive life experience so far, with the very very rare exception - it usually also correlates to a person who isn’t that interested or caring in that child.

OP I’d start seeing things more realistically. I bent over backwards for my DSs in-laws - trying to include them in DSs life. I just thought ‘that is the way they are’ when they hardly ever bothered with presents etc. I was so wrong. They do not care at all. They like to think they do, yet I realized that DS was only of any interest if he fitted into their lives with zero effort. So they don’t visit, but would ‘tolerate’ if he was bought to their house, but only if he behaves as otherwise they can’t stand it - they like to talk about him if it suits them, but have never bothered to ask me anything so they really have no clue as to how he is.

So stop expecting anything but don’t make it easy for them to have such a one sided relationship like I did. Their loss.

@IceCreamSummer20 So sorry you’ve been in that situation, totally don’t understand it at all. Definitely their loss.

It is often a sign that there isn’t a relationship worth pursuing there, or if you do, be prepared for it for be one sided, unfortunately! It is sad, however some people don’t have those social skills, not because they haven’t learnt them or don’t do them - but because they don’t care enough to do it.

My only advice would be not to compensate for it, sad as it is, you can’t force them to care. I’ve spent a lot of my life trying for others and it was all a wasted effort. I’m sure that there are other family members who do care and are better worth your energy!

@IceCreamSummer20 Sadly true!