Literally no effort-would this bother you?

[Whatnext2018]

Our Dd turned two this week, we received nothing from dp’s family, not even from her nana or auntie etc, no card, nothing.
It was the same with her first birthday.
They do send a Fb message or comment on my post/picture about Dd being two.
Is this normal? I find it so odd as my family aren’t like this and birthdays are a day to show how special a loved one is.
We live in another country but how hard is it to send a card? Even through Moonpig 🤷‍♀️
It makes me feel sad for my Dd, she obviously doesn’t understand at the moment, but will as time goes on.
There’s generally an excuse of having no money etc, but gifts are given between themselves, they just not bother with us.
I can’t help feeling pissed off with it, how hard can it be to make a little effort?
Would it bother you?

My MIL is like this with my DD (even though she’s 26 now!), always has an excuse why a card wasn’t forthcoming. This year my DD had a birthday just after lockdown.....she has been doing MIL weekly shop and taking it over her to her every week. Couple of weeks ago it was DD birthday but she didn’t receive a card or present from MIL....excuse was she couldn’t get out to post a card (she makes her own cards) but why couldn’t she just give my DD the card when she took her shopping over?
This has been the case since my DD was little, always an excuse.

Some families are just plain odd OP and yes, it is hurtful, but in time you will just get used to it and it will bother you less.

Not everyone likes to send cards, in fact alot of people downright hate buying and sending cards myself included.

Its often something that only women do and often get left with the burden & expectation of doing ie out of the grandparents the gran has to do it, or the auntie rather than the uncle and if a card/gift isnt sent then the women in the family get the blame.

Maybe your DPs family are trying break this really annoying tradition that puts all the onus on the women to organise.

You mentioned they had financial difficulties but even for moonpig you have to have money either in an online account or a credit card to pay for it.

If you live in a different country, how often have they spent time with your DD? Have they met her?
I guess the other reality is that practically speaking if you live in a different country, they will never have the same bond with her as they would with a grandchild who they saw and spent time with regularly.

This is normal in my family. Everyone gets a FB message and a phone call featuring a rousing rendition of Happy Birthday To You. Wouldn’t have it any other way - spending time and money on gift choosing and buying for the sake of it is just such a waste. The kids grandparents send them some money but that’s about it.

What sort of a relationship does your DH have with his Mum and was she very hurt that he emigrated? Some people put their family that doesn't live close by, out of their minds, as a coping mechanism.

"all the love comes flooding in from my family and our friends (even two sets of neighbours on our street bought her gifts)"

Gifts aren't love. See how things go. When your DD is of an age were she can be called etc, they may then find it easier to have a relationship.

What are their finances like, compared to yours?

I would never say anything to DD, even when she is older, it is how it is, as long as she gets some presents she probably won't notice or care who they are from until she is much older.
Sad that they won't send anything but it is their loss imv, buying cute toys and clothes for tinies is fun, but it is their choice.

1moremum - are you my MIL?

OP - my parents live in the US and without fail have sent my kids birthday and Christmas presents and cards, and even Valentine, Easter and Halloween sweets and cards.

The ILS live over here and nothing!! Very happy to accept presents though. Eventually I thought sod it. Didn't send a mother's day card and FIL was straight on to DH to say upset she was! Tough.

Okay... well. TBH I think the grandparents should acknowledge birthdays, but if you are not sending cards etc for your SILs children then you can't expect a big fuss amde about yours.

anyway- my sister lives in NZ. It was an easy enough thing to set up a NZ amazon account and sort out gifts that way.

@FlaskMaster
I definitely wouldn't be posting a card or present to a different country

I knew it wouldn't take long before someone posted something utterly ridiculous like this

OP, YANBU, but you know that.

@Whatnext2018

Dd is an only and much longed for, after years of ivf etc. We don’t send anything to my sil’s kids as they are much older but definitely would if she had a little one. If I was a grandma/nana though, I can’t imagine not sending even a little card, seems weird to me! Regardless of being in another country, Moonpig, Amazon etc are so easy to use, just a small acknowledgement would be nice. My family are the opposite and it’s akways been normal to celebrate with cards, cake and gifts, everyone I know does, to be fair. His aren’t really like that as much but I think do get presents for one another, it’s just a total lack of effort and as our girl gets older, won’t that be strange? It’s all too easy to just put a comment on a Fb post..that seems more about showing off to others (the comments are often over the top, when in reality, they do nothing)

are you in a country where Amazon etc deliver ?

@FlaskMaster

Sorry but that’s really mean
Have you not heard of Amazon?

You're not unreasonable to be upset OP. From my experience, your family aren't out of the norm to make a fuss on birthdays, that's what most people I know do for family.

I wouldn't be comfortable sending a present abroad because I imagine postage would be expensive and because I would worry it wouldn't arrive safely. But there's nothing stopping them sending a card with some money or anything small inside. Looks like they're using the exuse that you live abroad to not even send a card.

Do they/did they buy for SIL DC?

Yes, it's shitty. My dad is like it with my birthday and my daughter's despite professing to love us both etc etc. I've given up asking.

My ILs also live in a different country and don’t ‘do’ birthdays for my kids. We’re not around, they forget, who knows. Some years they remember and there is a phonecall, other years they might remember a month or too later (and then say - oh, give xx some money from me.) My family make a big effort with birthdays. The kids don’t mind, don’t worry - they accept their two sets of grandparents as different and as they don’t see the ILs kind of forget about them anyway

You're in another country! A FB message is all I'd expect in that situation tbh. A phonecall or Skype when she's old enough, maybe they could wire or PayPal you some money for a present. But I definitely wouldn't be posting a card or present to a different country.

How miserable. I'm an immigrant so all of my children's grandparents are on another continent and I would be shocked and quite upset if they couldn't even be bothered to send a birthday card. What a shitty excuse.

We all send each other cards for birthdays. We also do presents or my parents will just send me a bit of money electronically, but they did this anyway before I moved because they always said I can just get whatever I want with it. When we send each other presents we tend to order something online in that country so that the postage in simple.

If they didn't bother and just sent a Facebook message I would think they were being bitter and petty about the fact that we had moved away. What a shame for your children, OP.

My dp's family are just the same with our DD who will be 12 this yr.
His sister used to buy her something every yr for birthday &Christmas til she was about 3 then it just stopped!
She said she was gonna give her a new tablet for Christmas as the one she gave her fir her birthday stopped working but she never did&we just had nothing after that!
One if his brothers used to give her something every Christmas& birthday but then suddenly stopped couple if yrs ago.we bought fir their grandkids(all his siblings kids are alot older than DD,the closest one to her will be 17 this year).we don't see much of any of them,other than weddings,Christenings etc.
One if his other brothers used to give her something at Christmas&come&deliver it couple if days before Christmas but that too fizzled out couple if yrs ago.but then I spose we don't buy fir their grandkids so.
They all live quite close to each other but we live out in the sticks so I let's think that's why we're not thought about as much cuz we're too far away,even though in reality we are only about half an hrs drive away from any of them!

Cards are outdated. Environmentally damaging and a complete waste of resources. Online messages are normal

@FlaskMaster

You're in another country! A FB message is all I'd expect in that situation tbh. A phonecall or Skype when she's old enough, maybe they could wire or PayPal you some money for a present. But I definitely wouldn't be posting a card or present to a different country.

Even for your own grandchild? It's no harder to post something abroad to post something for this country. It's hardly any effort.

You don't even need amazon. There are local shops which deliver and you can pay online in virtually every country.

You can pre pay tickets like zoo or similar. You can order toys, chocolates, flowers, anything. Buy a voucher. It's incredibly easy to buy something thousands of miles away.

Lots of families don't send cards. It's normal. You deciding that means they love your child less than your family do is unkind and unfair.

A 2 year old doesn't care at all about who sends cards.

You daughter will only feel hard done by if you make her. If she ever asks why X doesn't send a card you just say that they don't do cards but that doesn't mean anything. No drama needed

Moonpig aren't doing international deliveries since lockdown, I expect the other companies are the same.

@madcatladyforever

You're in another country! A FB message is all I'd expect in that situation tbh. A phonecall or Skype when she's old enough, maybe they could wire or PayPal you some money for a present. But I definitely wouldn't be posting a card or present to a different country.

You have to be kidding right? You don't even post a card to another country? That is the most selfish thing I've read in a long while.
My sisters were brought up in another country and I never failed to send them at least a card if not a lightweight gift or token of some kind.
A card sent abroad doesn't cost £100 for goodness sake its perfectly affordable even to Australia. They haven't died - they are just living abroad.

This is so weird. My family are really far away (24 hours on a plane) we send gifts for their kids birthdays in the post. It’s really not a big deal, even with online shopping you can get a gift sent from a shop in their country.

Frankly I think you're being ridiculous. A 2-year-old isn't going to know whether anyone sent her a card or present. I don't understand this obsession with cards and I find keeping score of who bought what for whom and how much it cost petty and distasteful. Equating presents with "love" - materialistic much?

@cptartapp Oh yes, they’ve always bought things for them, they’re all very close by so help each other out.

@TheyAreMinerals Not materialistic at all, it’s to do with the thought and effort. She doesn’t need cards or toys, it’s the thought that counts, there wasn’t even a call/message in the morning, only an apology after i’d posted on Fb.